Woman who I wanted to marry cheated

[Mightxxx]

My now ex partner cheated on me, and she says she has had no explanation why she did it? She went out with her mates then met some random guy.. apparently at the end of the night and went home after the pubs closed. Hurt like hell as i loved her massively and trusted her lots. She got really drunk by the end of the night and took pictures of another guy in her snapchat in a back of a taxi and then in his houses with one of her friends, she would have known I would see them so I don't know if she was planning to sleep with him or was just nothing to hide at the moment? She told me she stayed there till the afternoon and admitted to taking coke which is not her at all. She looked really drunk and away with it on her pictures and had massive.  

She is 45 and good looking but she's never been tempted before and I always knew how much she disagreed with cheating. She contacted me next evening after ignoring all my calls in the morning and admitted straight away she slept with someone else. She said it was a big mistake and regrets what she did and looked so ashamed, told me she was happy with our relationship in the 5 years together and loved me alot and wanted to talk things through. I didn't get angry at her because I could see how hurt she was and forgave her because I wanted to be a bigger person as we all make mistakes. We also had a fantastic sex life and never really argued and got on well, apart of her trust issues at times.

She wanted to work things out, so did I because I could see the regret and guilt in her face and knowing that's not who she is. She said a condom was used and the funny thing was I felt I could still trust her as though no one could possibly lie about that. We had sex a few days after talking things though and the sex felt different and weird and she cried after it. She told me she couldn't remember much of the night she slept with the guy so I now don't know if the sex happened several times during the 13 hours they was together and a condom was used every time or not at all.

She decided to end the relationship the day after having sex with me and said she wanted to be on her own and didn't want any contact with me ever again and didn't want to see this guy again also? The blocked me everywhere after I messaged right after to wish her well and hoped she was OK. Was so confused and felt so angry as I didn't treat her wrong in any way. I have doubts now if shes been honest about everything and messaged her of my old phone asking if a condom was definitely used and if i needed to take a std test. She read and ignored the question then blocked me again on whatsapp with not saying a single thing. Why would she do this, and why would she not let me know if she was being honest about using a condom? I admit I've emailed her about 8 times after taking my frustration and telling her how horrible she is to do this. I will never contact her again as it's caused me a lot of hurt and pain. The whole situation has destroyed me and left me very confused

[SherrySher]

It does sound like you only know half the story and there might be more going on with this other man then she's letting on.

She told you she isn't going to have anything more to do with him, that doesn't mean she's being honest.

She sounds like she's being very reckless right now and making very poor decisions in her life at the moment.

But unfortunately, there isn't anything you can do about it.

The best you can do is to take care of yourself, find a way to mourn the relationship without letting it overwhelm you and do your best to heal and move forward.

[MissCanuck]

7 hours ago, SherrySher said:

It does sound like you only know half the story and there might be more going on with this other man then she's letting on.

She told you she isn't going to have anything more to do with him, that doesn't mean she's being honest.

This was my first thought, too. I don't think she's being honest about her involvement with this other man, OP. There is more to that story, and sadly, you might never know the truth. 

7 hours ago, Mightxxx said:

why would she not let me know if she was being honest about using a condom?

We can't say, but probably because she knows they didn't use condoms and how reckless and dangerous it is. Get yourself tested anyway, OP, regardless of what she says (or doesnìt say)

I am sorry you're going through this. You've just met a pretty terrible side of her that you didn't know she had. 

[Kwothe28]

I am going to offer you more logical explanation: She hoped you will break up things after she told you about cheating. As you didnt, she had to do it herself. People who cheat are usually very secretive about it. She wasnt, she clearly wanted you to know what she did. I mean she could just be having some deeper issues(for somebody who is 45 she acts awful lot like she is 20 year old) but from what you said its highly plausable that she just met some guy and wanted you out of the picture. I am sorry that happened after 5 years together. Do that STD test just in case and forget about her, she wasnt worth your time.

[Lambert]

Mightxxx,

I am sorry she did this to you.  You had every right to ask her questions and email her like you did looking for answers.  She was very cruel to do this to you. And then just block and walk away for you deal with the hurt.

There is never a good way to end a relationship and you will never know the real story.  But you can take some things from her behavior as fact... whatever it is or was she was not honest with you about it.  She acted in a way that is not loving or caring for you as her boyfriend of 5 years.  

And if you really think about it, after your heart heals, that is all you need to know-- this person is a lying, cheating, selfish POS.  She did you a favor.  Although in a very cruel and public way (posting on snap chat, her sob story and having sex with you one last time.)

I wish I could say I had never been cheated on or lied to or used by past partners.  I never saw it coming and it definitely hurt like hell and it takes time.  There's nothing you can do to protect yourself from these things happening.  We say look for signs and observe actions over words and all that good advice.  But the truth is sometimes people will let you down.  The only thing you can really do is focus forward.  Love yourself through this with compassion for whatever you feel and do.  It is a hard and nutty time for you for sure.

But this too shall pass.  Get the STD tests and put this behind you.  The vindictive part of me would want to email all her friends and family, "hey guys just wanted to let everyone know I didn't catch anything from name cheating on me. WHEW!"  it is nice to fantasize about revenge.  But don't do it.  Maybe post some scathing word on the post here your ex thread.

Hang in there❤️
 

[DancingFool]

I'm really sorry you are having to deal with this.

First of is yes, go and get tested. Don't ask her about it, just do it.

Second is I actually agree with Kwothe that she wanted you to know and probably expected you to dump her, as you should have. Since you didn't, she finally had to find the guts to end it.

Finally, yes this is who she is - getting drunk, getting high, cheating, even the trust issues. Cheaters usually have trust issues because they know what they can do to you, but do not want it done to them.

I realize it's a shock to find out after 5 years that you've been dating this person and everything you thought she is, wasn't quite right. It's hard to wrap your head around that, let alone accept it. 

Please take care of yourself and definitely get tested. Put your health first. 

[smackie9]

No one wakes up in the morning and says "I'm gonna get blasted and cheat on my SO."

She lost control because she was intoxicated, and with coke, it makes you feel invincible. So with that mix, better judgement went out the window. Now I'm not justifying her actions, but I am explaining it, that this had nothing to do with you. She made a huge mistake. Like you said this is not like her, well ya she knows this, and she is shocked that she did what she did. If this was purposeful, she would have lied, hid everything, not posted photos, show little remorse. You have every right to be angry and hurt...who wouldn't? You invested 5 years in this relationship. It happened to me too, so I get it.

It's still fresh, you need to grieve, and process all that has happened. In a couple of weeks things will lift a little, and you will be able to see what you need to do to carry on.

[SooSad33]

Sorry for your pains.. this stuff hurts 😕 .

You know of the incident and sounds like she felt some 'real guilt', while with you after it.

Is best to just step back.  Leave her be now.. Don't harass her anymore - expecting answers.  I feel she has said enough.

If you need to 'vent', try reaching out to friends?  Or journal.. get it out other ways... get out, go for walks.. exercise.

 

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, Mightxxx said:

She got really drunk. admitted to taking coke.

Unfortunately, this is who she is. Drinks too much. Uses illegal drugs. Sleeps around/cheats while in a relationship.

You dodged a bullet. Be grateful you found all this out sooner rather than later.

[spunkmire]

There's an old saying that says "actions speak louder than words."  Ignore her words, what do her actions tell you?