Keep thinking about ex

[NoLongerAlone21]

So a toxic ex keeps popping into my mind. It was a poor relationship that I stayed in too long, which I realize was my fault and my one regret is not walking away sooner. It’s been over a year since I’ve seen him, and I feel indifferent to the guy. We aren’t connected on social media and I feel really happy with my life. I shed everything that was a reminder of our time quite a while back and I have since moved on to a loving, healthy relationship.
 

So why does he keep circling through my thoughts then? And how do I make it stop? 
 

If there is some lingering healing to do, what do I need to do to heal?

[SooSad33]

Is possible you are still 'affected' by being involved with a 'toxic' person 😕 .

Do you feel it was okay to move on already? ( as it's only been about a year) .. Were you two long term? - I guess it doesn't really matter, since, even short term w/ a toxic will leave after effects!

Normally, all BU's take some time to 'heal'..accept, work through all of the emotions, etc.

Not sure how to make it 'stop', as it's all in your mind now.. you were involved with them.

IF it's causing some really negative effects, consider some prof help - therapy.  Maybe you need someone to 'vent on' and work through all that's going on in there?

 

[Wiseman2]

35 minutes ago, Komerebi said:

So a toxic ex keeps popping into my mind.

This can happen so don't be alarmed by it that much. Just regroup and shift gears.

[Rose Mosse]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

This can happen so don't be alarmed by it that much. Just regroup and shift gears.

Yes, I agree with the above.

Please don't worry about this unless it's affecting your relationship with your partner. You're struggling too much. Let it be and let it pass. I'm glad you're happy. 

[boltnrun]

My toxic ex crosses my mind to this day and we broke up in 2009.

I have trouble forgiving myself for the way I behaved in that relationship. I was willing to do anything, anything at all try to get that awful guy to love me. I humiliated and shamed myself for him. And sadly, HE broke up with ME. I didn't even have enough self esteem to leave him.

I think that's why I still think about it. And it's why I post on this forum.

We need to learn to forgive ourselves. It's ok for us to have made bad decisions in the past. But we won't do that anymore, will we?

[NoLongerAlone21]

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

My toxic ex crosses my mind to this day and we broke up in 2009.

I have trouble forgiving myself for the way I behaved in that relationship. I was willing to do anything, anything at all try to get that awful guy to love me. I humiliated and shamed myself for him. And sadly, HE broke up with ME. I didn't even have enough self esteem to leave him.

I think that's why I still think about it. And it's why I post on this forum.

We need to learn to forgive ourselves. It's ok for us to have made bad decisions in the past. But we won't do that anymore, will we?

This resonates with me on such a level I feel I could have written. The last 10% of the closure I need has nothing to do with the guy, and everything to do with me forgiving myself for getting stuck in something so empty. 
 

I feel tired of the past coming to mind and am ready to do that last bit of letting go. I just have been struggling with how and getting frustrated. 
 

I think the comment above from SooSad33 has the advice I know I need to take - probably just need a few more sessions with my old therapist. 

[Pleasedonot5]

9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

This can happen so don't be alarmed by it that much. Just regroup and shift gears.

Yes, I agree with this. OP, I've been there too. The ex from my penultimate relationship (which took place in 2015) appeared in my dreams even through this year. 

The moment I stopped seeing it as a problem and more as something that happens occasionally because it was an intense relationship - is when the dreams, thoughts, and ruminations started to lose their power. 

I think this is a good idea, though, to help you work through any unresolved pain that may be lingering:

Quote

 probably just need a few more sessions with my old therapist. 

 

[smackie9]

it's because you had invested so much of yourself in this person, they were a part of your life. It takes time for that residual to wear off. Time...it takes time.

[catfeeder]

On 7/19/2021 at 10:33 AM, Komerebi said:

I stayed in too long, which I realize was my fault and my one regret is not walking away sooner.

Well, this can tell you a lot. You may notice that the thoughts pop up whenever you're contemplating future plans or a timeline or a birthday or anything that has to do with time--because the time spent with that guy is time you can't get back.

Another factor could be fear of making a mistake. If you're feeling stressed, you may ruminate over this guy because you consider him a mistake you wish that you didn't make.

All of this is natural, and it will likely fade in time after you feel more confident and secure in your future path. Until then, I'd focus on shifting the thoughts to less about him, and more about the growth you've gained SINCE him.

This can enable a degree of self-forgiveness because you're minimizing HIS importance in the scheme of things and addressing, instead, the central issue--YOU and your ability and willingness to appreciate how mistakes can grow us into better and happier people IF we can accept them as learning devices rather than failures.

Head high, and congrats on the path you've earned. Keep on making it better, and as you do, you'll enjoy more liberation from the distraction of whatshisname. 

[melancholy123]

I have someone like that in my life and when that happens I distract myself any  way I can and make myself focus on something else.  It all takes time!

[NoLongerAlone21]

Thanks everyone for your replies. I’ll say that just finding a safe space where I could voice my frustrations with this openly, and reading all of your thoughtful responses, has broken the hold my thought pattern had. The thought of my ex is less complete, hardly there. I am not ruminating or feeling frustrated. 
 

Towards the end of that relationship I couldn’t wait to be free of it, not just no contact but completely free emotionally as well. I knew as soon as I was emotionally open and available, I’d get snatched up by the right man. I just needed this guy to sit down already so the gentleman waiting behind him could step up, metaphorically. 
 

But I wasn’t focused on the men, or finding a man - My sense of self-worth grew exponentially, I knew what I didn’t want and wouldn’t stand. I felt protective of my happiness and joy. I committed to my playfulness and sense of freedom. I wanted to keep the energy light - no pain, no drama, no time wasted on mixed messages. 
 

I am still doing just that 💕 which is why I really wanted to clear the frustration. Thanks for listening!

[Lambert]

I think there is no way to know how long it will take to stop thinking about things that hurt us and people from the past. 

One thing that helps me is to acknowledge that I sometimes think about people from third grade, or an old friend that I'm not friends with anymore... or the adults that were around when I was a kid. And I don't beat myself up for it. it's just random thoughts. reduce the past to random thoughts... the less value and focus I put on it, the less it bothers me. the less I think of it!

The mind... it is amazing