What to believe?

[Sadandpissed]

My husband started a new job back in October. We were invited to their Christmas party. My husband and I went. It is a mostly male job with ONE female working there. Right from the minute I met her, I didn’t like her and bells went off. Fast forward, been getting weird vibes and went into his phone Friday. Found a picture or a reserved sign on a seat and at the bottom it said just waiting for a yes. Sunday comes around, I was suspicious all weekend, and I notice he deleted that one text and pic. Didn’t know I saw it. Yesterday I went through his phone in front of him and he was fine and then I brought up photo saying I saw it before he deleted it. Immediately he paled and said huh, don’t know what you’re talking about. I went on and said I saw it and what it said. He went into a panic mode, commented that it was meant for someone else that’s why he didn’t answer. Then five min later says she sent it as a joke and it wasn’t for him, and a few min later says she was so embarrassed. It went from what pic I don’t know why your talking about to a whole freakin story. I’m calling bull. He’s swearing he did nothing and laughing it off. Meanwhile Ive been crying hysterical for days now. I feel like my heart was ripped out. He doesn’t get why I’m upset. Now he is on defensive, oh she’s almost the same age as his oldest son from previous relationship, so she’s 17 years his junior. I don’t know what to say or do. Am I nuts?  I said regardless, the damage is done. And I feel like he’s defending her. I literally was to go run her over. 

[Usa1ah]

The lying to you is the worst thing he could have done. Even if nothing happened you won’t know the truth because of the lie. 
 

Call the tramp in front of your husband and tell her that your husband confessed. Then ask her for her side of things so that you know he told you all of it. Then call their HR department and report them. 

[SooSad33]

IMO, it takes TWO and I am more sure you should approach ONLY him.

Your matters are not hers.  Your matter is HIM.

If he was flirting around with this chick, then that's on him.  Was his choice to go there & accept whatever she'd offering.

You said he went pale.. then gave stories.

Then put him on the spot.. and also ask why she is able to contact him at all - why does she have his number..?.. ( Yes, you can always say, if he doesn't speak up, she can...)

But, is best if he does here.

YOU tell him you're in a really bad place, so IF you are that important him he will speak on & explain.. or else!

His place of work should be to work, only.. But, also, just because you did come across that, does not mean he did anything, or was going to. ( which is why is best to aim at dealing with only him).. As he has no control over what she does from her end..

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Sadandpissed said:

 she’s almost the same age as his oldest son from previous relationship, so she’s 17 years his junior. 

Sorry to hear that. Your marriage seems to be hanging by a thread.

Are you typically a jealous insecure person or does he have a history of running around?

This is a second marriage for both? It sounds like your last husband cheated on you and your recycling that script.

Individual therapy would help you a lot more than rifling through his phone like the police.

This has nothing to do with your hatred of younger women it has to do with your last relationship and all that baggage.

 

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, Usa1ah said:

Then call their HR department and report them. 

Report them for what? A deleted photo? She has no proof of an affair and no grounds to call HR and waste their time and resources when she has next to zero evidence of anything. Let's not encourage her to over-react or behave impulsively. 

OP, my guess is that your marriage has been in trouble for some time before this. Take a couple deep breaths, but stay focused: you say you have had a strange feeling from him lately - why is that? What else have you noticed in his behaviour, and why did you immediately not like this woman when you met her? What was it you noticed about her that rubbed you the wrong way when you met?

Do you often go through this phone, and if so, why? It seems the trust has been lost along the way but it's unclear why or how long ago. 

 

 

[Usa1ah]

7 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Report them for what? A deleted photo? She has no proof of an affair and no grounds to call HR and waste their time and resources when she has next to zero evidence of anything. Let's not encourage her to over-react or behave impulsively. 

OP, my guess is that your marriage has been in trouble for some time before this. Take a couple deep breaths, but stay focused: you say you have had a strange feeling from him lately - why is that? What else have you noticed in his behaviour, and why did you immediately not like this woman when you met her? What was it you noticed about her that rubbed you the wrong way when you met?

Do you often go through this phone, and if so, why? It seems the trust has been lost along the way but it's unclear why or how long ago. 

 

 

When she finds out what is going on, then she can report them. There is something going on for him to have deleted the messages. If it was just the coworker pursuing him there would have been no reason to delete. He could have easily explained that she was pursuing him and he was telling the CW that he was happy married. OP’s husband deleting the messages is just proof that he was cheating on some level. 

[redswim30]

Why did you dislike her the minute you met her?  Do you feel threatened in general by other women?

Why do you keep snooping on your husband's phone?  Do you not trust him?  Have you had trust issues before?  It almost sounds to me like you are looking to verify your feelings that he is having an affair.  And when people are in that mode, you can justify almost anything as 'cheating' if you are looking to.  It's like when staring at clouds long enough, you will force yourself to see what you want to. 

But honestly, based only on what you said, I'm not sure that he is.  So WHY are you SO Sure????

How do you know for SURE that it wasn't an honest mistake?  Maybe it WAS and that's why he deleted it and didn't remember it.  Or maybe she TOLD him it was a mistake.  Maybe she WAS trying to flirt and he deleted it? And even if he DID flirt back, flirting isn't always cheating, OP.  You seem overly focused on her age.  Most men do enjoy attention from younger women, if they are being honest, but that ALSO does not mean he is having an affair. 

At any rate, it was a picture of a chair?  Why are you reacting THIS strongly to the point where you are crying in your words "hysterically?" and wanting to "run her over". 

I hope you can understand OP that whether this is purely innocent or not, your reaction is pretty extreme and unhealthy.  I highly recommend that you speak to a therapist about all this. 

You don't actually have any proof of him cheating other than your own feelings and suspicions.

So, back to you- WHY is this your immediate go to reaction?  What has happened in your past that makes this incident (which sounds to me like a big nothing, honestly) this triggering for you? 

As far as someone else saying to bring in their HR dept.  Do NOT do that under any circumstance.  1. It's not illegal to flirt, send pic to others (especially NON explicit pics of a CHAIR) or even to have an affair.  2. They (HR) cannot just confiscate or search your private property  3.  If you tried to do this, OP- She could sue YOU, for defamation (especially if you tried to get her fired) and honestly, she would win. 

You say the damage is done.  What do you mean?  That regardless of what he says and total lack of concrete proof that he is cheating on you, you are just going to continue believing that he cheated? 

If you really don't trust him to THAT degree, why did you marry him?  Do you think all men will eventually cheat? If so, maybe marriage isn't for you.  We exist in a world in which any man you are with is going to have contact with people of the opposite gender.  Can you honestly say that in your entire life you've never harmlessly flirted with someone at work?  

Just some things to think about.  But no matter what, I really believe you should see a therapist.  You clearly have some deeply rooted emotions that you need to learn to resolve.  Regardless of your marriage, it's very unhealthy for you to have this level of anger for a virtual stranger, who has really done nothing to you. 

 

 

[Kwothe28]

I dunno, it does seem suspicious. But on the other hand, there is no proof of anything. Talk to your husband and explain why you are pissed but without proof he would just deny it and you will have to accept that. Going through coworker is even worst, if she denies it you will be "crazy wife" probably for his whole place of work. So either you just get passed that or find some real evidence before you act. Is going through his phone regular thing you do? Because that is a sign of either you being crazy jealous or him giving you the reason for that before. Either way, not a good sign for marriage.

[Rose Mosse]

15 hours ago, Sadandpissed said:

My husband started a new job back in October. We were invited to their Christmas party. My husband and I went. It is a mostly male job with ONE female working there. Right from the minute I met her, I didn’t like her and bells went off. Fast forward, been getting weird vibes and went into his phone Friday. Found a picture or a reserved sign on a seat and at the bottom it said just waiting for a yes. Sunday comes around, I was suspicious all weekend, and I notice he deleted that one text and pic. Didn’t know I saw it. Yesterday I went through his phone in front of him and he was fine and then I brought up photo saying I saw it before he deleted it. Immediately he paled and said huh, don’t know what you’re talking about. I went on and said I saw it and what it said. He went into a panic mode, commented that it was meant for someone else that’s why he didn’t answer. Then five min later says she sent it as a joke and it wasn’t for him, and a few min later says she was so embarrassed. It went from what pic I don’t know why your talking about to a whole freakin story. I’m calling bull. He’s swearing he did nothing and laughing it off. Meanwhile Ive been crying hysterical for days now. I feel like my heart was ripped out. He doesn’t get why I’m upset. Now he is on defensive, oh she’s almost the same age as his oldest son from previous relationship, so she’s 17 years his junior. I don’t know what to say or do. Am I nuts?  I said regardless, the damage is done. And I feel like he’s defending her. I literally was to go run her over. 

This is a very strong reaction. I understand you're upset but the way you present yourself will drive him further away in the marriage. You have every right to be upset if she's sending inappropriate texts and because of his blubbering and blabbering about it being sent to the wrong person. 

Keep an eye out and keep your cool. If this continues to bother you, take a look as a whole at the entire marriage. There may be a list of things that haven't been to your liking or suiting for a very long time. Once you determine whether or not the marriage itself is working for you, you'll know better what to do and what steps to take next. 

Whatever you do stay calm and cool and don't blind yourself by this individual. The problem is your marriage and your husband and the reasons why you may be so triggered and uncomfortable in this situation. Don't live miserably.

[Getting old.]

On 6/2/2021 at 1:53 AM, Usa1ah said:

The lying to you is the worst thing he could have done. Even if nothing happened you won’t know the truth because of the lie. 
 

Call the tramp in front of your husband and tell her that your husband confessed. Then ask her for her side of things so that you know he told you all of it. Then call their HR department and report them. 

Then call their HR department and report them...

Don't report them it's nothing to do with HR

It's hard to believe when there's are in place already! You need to either take his word for it and move on or you will never be able to move on as the feeling will squash you. 😔

[spunkmire]

Please don't run her over

[Lambert]

I think this is one of those situations that you have to trust yourself.  This is your marriage.  Your husband.  

Does he hide things from you?  Does he lie when he doesn't want to suffer the consequences of the truth?  How close are you two?  Can you tell when he is lying? Does he lie?  Or is the facial expression & changed story a bad knee jerk reaction from him?

Is his laughing it off, saying it was nothing and not understanding how you feel the right response for you?

If you truly feel he is cheating on you, that he is capable of those things, while gaslighting you and not understanding your hurt feelings, why are you in this marriage?

Trust is a major component in any relationship.  On the one hand, your gut told you not to like this woman (just a gut feeling) and now on the other hand, you don't know what to think about your own husband.  Don't you think that's a little flip flopped?

What's your history with your hubs?  Does he lie?  Did he ever cheat on you or anyone else in the past?  Do you accuse him of cheating and act suspisciously of him regularly?  

Is he right to think you are over re-acting?  Do you check his phone a lot?  Why? 

So many of these questions-- only you can answer. There is no one answer fits all.