I think his parents don't like me

[Seraphim]

My in-laws hated me on sight. They hated me because I dared to go out with and “ steal” their child. It was many decades of misery . Even though I adore my husband and we are still together his parents made our relationship a living hell . I recommend running .

 

[MissCanuck]

The other possibility here, OP, is that it isn't his parents influencing him - but he is pulling away of his own volition and uses his parents as an excuse. 

[LaHermes]

16 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

"many parents don't like their kids marrying someone that isn't the same religion as them."

I think I can safely bet this is at the heart of the situation.  Fundamentalists are controlling and definitely would never allow in someone of even a slightly different tendency. Bank on it.

[WalterSobcha]

At 23 he should be able to make his own choices. I think you should address this with him.

[SherrySher]

Sounds like his parents have very strong views on who is acceptable for their son.

You, unfortunately, don't meet approval.

The only way to remedy this, is for your boyfriend to:

1.) Make his own decisions without informing his parents or asking their permission, or even worrying about what they think.

2.)Your boyfriends also needs to stay away from them, and possibly other family/friends in order for your relationship to work. He may need to disconnect himself from them for several years.

If he is unwilling to do the above, or doesn't want to, then your relationship has no chance.

[Cherylyn]

I was only 22 and my husband was 23 when we married.

My husband was my MIL / FIL (mother / father-in-law)'s favorite son out of their 3 children.  MIL and son were very close because my husband took care of his ailing mother and younger siblings while FIL was on frequent business travel as a successful sales executive.  I'm the woman who took her baby away.

In the beginning, none of them knew what to make of me because my husband and I never dated before we met each other.   Then when we married, MIL had difficulty adjusting to not having her son at her disposal.  (My then finace at the time, even ran errands for her during his precious lunch hour!  She didn't like it when I suddenly put a stop to that!)

I've been married for a long time and we have two great sons, a quiet life in the suburbs and a very settled, established, stable family life.

Years ago, I tried very hard to be well liked.  I don't try so hard anymore. 

Always keep in mind that people will always find something to criticize so don't try so hard nor go overboard.  They will always find fault with you.  This is human nature.

All you can do is remain kind, respectful, gracious, soft spoken, very well mannered while maintaining a safe distance.  This is what I've done and it works.  It keeps the peace.  Always be a peaceful person. 

No one has to win a popularity contest and if they don't like you, it's their problem, not yours.  Don't feel the need to seek approval and acceptance.  If your stellar behavior isn't good enough for them, there is nothing you can do.  Carry yourself with poise and aplomb; no more, no less.  You will be judged anyway.  You can't control how others think. 

Either you'll grow on them or they'll continue being aloof and arrogant towards you.  No matter.  Just be the best person you can be and live each day nobly. 

Don't ply them with gifts because you can't buy their opinions.  Act natural and be yourself.  Don't get emotionally invested in them.  Learn to distance yourself from them internally and you'll feel numb.  You won't get hurt anymore. 

If you and your boyfriend have a serious committed future together including marriage, you can still have a peaceful relationship with them even though both sides won't feel close to each other.  It's perfectly normal and more universal than you can imagine!  Practice good diplomacy.  That's the advice my mother gave me long ago.  Also, enforce healthy boundaries. 

[LaHermes]

4 hours ago, sunflower33 said:

Where I live religion is important (I'm orthodox he's christian) and many parents don't like their kids marrying someone that isn't the same religion as them.

The heart of the matter.

You are (as perceived by them in their ignorance) a different religion.

What more can be said.

[melancholy123]

5 hours ago, LaHermes said:

At age 23!  Good heavens.

Listen OP. Best advice. Give this one a miss. The situation will not improve. Less so if these are some kind of religious fundamentalists. 

You two are so young!  I agree with above advice, give this a pass.  You will never win when religion gets involved between parents and their child and the person the child is involved with.

[abitbroken]

Did you witness them asking "do you see a future?" Or is this second hand info from him? (he wants to pull away and is blaming the parents)

I don't think this is about "bigoted parents".

They have a son who is in a long distance relationship that he is becoming too invested in. He is using THEIR car to meet up at a hotel with you (can they really be without their car for multiple days. At 23 why doesn't he have his own car?) and if your parents are Orthodox and his are Christian - how do they get excited at the prospect of you two meeting up in a hotel? 

Its "easy" to blame their denominations - my parents would have hit the roof.

Unless you plan to be in the same place naturally and not just because of eachother, i would date someone closer to you.

 

I really think this is HIM - but i also think his folks may think this young dude doesn't even have a car - he is not ready for serious

[LaHermes]

On 6/1/2021 at 6:35 PM, sunflower33 said:

I gave him a matching necklace as a gift once they saw it and they made fun of me and him. Where I live religion is important (I'm orthodox he's christian) and many parents don't like their kids marrying someone that isn't the same religion as them

I can only imagine OP.  Always a divisive force, religion. Sadly.

 

[Batya33]

I lived with my parents at age 23 and they supported me in being independent including about my friend/boyfriend choices.  So it's not that he lives with them but that he lives with parents who try to control him -and he accepts this.  He is the problem.  Please don't ask him to choose you or his parents.  Ask him if he will choose being his own person and making his own choices or continuing to do whatever his parents tell him.  When I was 21 I had a 24 year old boyfriend who lived with his parents and was looking to move out but had not done so yet.  His mom was really controlling.  One night he was at my house late (I lived with my parents) and his mom called my mom and woke her up because she was worried about where he was.  He made plans to move the next week and was out of there as soon as he could find an apartment.  I did not give him an ultimatum -he saw how unacceptable this was and knew he had to get out from under her thumb.