I think his parents don't like me

[sunflower33]

Hello everyone, so I've been dating my boyfriend for 10 months. I'm 20 he is 23. Everything went great the first time I met his parents, they welcomed me with open arms. One day when his dad asked him "do you plan a future with her? " and he said "yes" , everything went downhill after that. They wouldn't let him take a car to see me ( we're in a long distance relationship), when we planned to stay in a motel for 2 days they didn't let him, I gave him a matching necklace as a gift once they saw it and they made fun of me and him. Where I live religion is important (I'm orthodox he's christian) and many parents don't like their kids marrying someone that isn't the same religion as them. My parents honestly don't care about that as long as he loves me and respects me it's fine with them, although my boyfriend's parents don't thing the same. It honestly hurts me so much, I've been nothing but polite, communicative with them, always went to see them with gifts. I'm scared that if we get married they will try everything to break us apart. How can I deal with all of this? 

[LaHermes]

First of all you are very young, Sunflower.

And besides it looks like this 23 year old is still under his parents' command, and living with them.

As an aside just to remark that you are both Christians.

"Orthodox Christianity is one of the world's three major Christian traditions"

[sunflower33]

2 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

First of all you are very young, Sunflower.

And besides it looks like this 23 year old is still under his parents' command, and living with them.

As an aside just to remark that you are both Christians.

"Orthodox Christianity is one of the world's three major Christian traditions"

thank you so much for your reply! even though we're both actually Christians it's a huge difference to them and yes he is living with his parents and does everything they tell them to do. 

[LaHermes]

2 minutes ago, sunflower33 said:

he is living with his parents and does everything they tell them to do. 

At age 23!  Good heavens.

Listen OP. Best advice. Give this one a miss. The situation will not improve. Less so if these are some kind of religious fundamentalists. 

[sunflower33]

8 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

At age 23!  Good heavens.

Listen OP. Best advice. Give this one a miss. The situation will not improve. Less so if these are some kind of religious fundamentalists. 

It's so heartbreaking for me because I truly love him and he loves me but his parents are always making issues for us 

[LaHermes]

Well, OP, that's how it is going to be. 

If at age 23 he is under their thumb to that extent it doesn't bode well.  In fact, and at age 23 he should be out in the world being his own man.

[Lambert]

Major red flag. You don't want to deal with these people for the rest of your life. And have their enfluence on your life and future children.  Do you?

Talk to your boyfriend. If he can't bring himself to choose you over his parents, you can do better. Dump him.

Let me tell you something. One of my sisters married an over bearing ass. He hates his family and so she doesn't get to see us either. It's very messed up, especially with the grandchildren and all. 

I get so mad about this.  Then one day my Dad said it best- that's your sister's choice. She married into a bad family. 

His point was- even as her parent, her life is shared with her hubs. When you marry someone you better be on the same page about big things. Especially the role extended families and parents play.

If he can't stand up to his parents now, don't expect him to later. 

Things only get worse, not better. Sorry that sounds so discouraging but it's true. 

[sunflower33]

2 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Well, OP, that's how it is going to be. 

If at age 23 he is under their thumb to that extent it doesn't bode well.  In fact, and at age 23 he should be out in the world being his own man.

you're absolutely right, thank you! 

[sunflower33]

2 minutes ago, Lambert said:

Major red flag. You don't want to deal with these people for the rest of your life. And have their enfluence on your life and future children.  Do you?

Talk to your boyfriend. If he can't bring himself to choose you over his parents, you can do better. Dump him.

Let me tell you something. One of my sisters married an over bearing ass. He hates his family and so she doesn't get to see us either. It's very messed up, especially with the grandchildren and all. 

I get so mad about this.  Then one day my Dad said it best- that's your sister's choice. She married into a bad family. 

His point was- even as her parent, her life is shared with her hubs. When you marry someone you better be on the same page about big things. Especially the role extended families and parents play.

If he can't stand up to his parents now, don't expect him to later. 

Things only get worse, not better. Sorry that sounds so discouraging but it's true. 

thank you for replying and telling me your sister's story. I'm aware that it's a big problem and I will have a talk with him soon. It's either to end a relationship and cry for two days maybe months or suffer many years. If he chooses his parents i am most definitely leaving!

[DancingFool]

There is something really ironic about this situation because even though you and your parents are orthodox, you are all behaving much more liberal, inclusive, and open minded than the so called Christians. Think on that long and hard. You and him are unevenly yoked in an ironic sort of way.

Anyway, as a practical matter, most people aren't going to abandon their family and religion in the name of love so you really have nothing to work with here. No matter how much you love him, you are not compatible at the end of the day. Best that you detach and move on.

[LaHermes]

41 minutes ago, sunflower33 said:

They wouldn't let him take a car to see me ( we're in a long distance relationship), when we planned to stay in a motel for 2 days they didn't let him,

You can bet your life OP that he will "choose" his parents. He is totally dependent on them. 

There's a big world out there OP. Get out and enjoy it. Don't tie yourself to anyone, at least not for some years. 

[Lambert]

Just now, sunflower33 said:

thank you for replying and telling me your sister's story. I'm aware that it's a big problem and I will have a talk with him soon. It's either to end a relationship and cry for two days maybe months or suffer many years. If he chooses his parents i am most definitely leaving!

Be strong! Your happiness, your own family and your future depends on it. 

It's everything- who you marry. And love is NOT enough. You must make good choices based in reality not fairy tales. 

Good luck!

 

[DancingFool]

1 minute ago, sunflower33 said:

thank you for replying and telling me your sister's story. I'm aware that it's a big problem and I will have a talk with him soon. It's either to end a relationship and cry for two days maybe months or suffer many years. If he chooses his parents i am most definitely leaving!

I'd advise you against demanding that he leaves his parents and family. That too often leads to deep scars and resentments that will ultimately poison your relationship, just slowly over time like dripping poison.

When you see deep incompatibilities, the mature thing to do is to step away. Love doesn't conquer anything in real life - it's just a fleeing emotion. It takes much more than love to have a lasting marriage.

[Lambert]

5 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

I'd advise you against demanding that he leaves his parents and family. That too often leads to deep scars and resentments that will ultimately poison your relationship, just slowly over time like dripping poison.

When you see deep incompatibilities, the mature thing to do is to step away. Love doesn't conquer anything in real life - it's just a fleeing emotion. It takes much more than love to have a lasting marriage.

Very true... its like don't expect a change now or ever. Recognize that you're different.  If he was willing to stand up to his parents he would have.  

[sunflower33]

8 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

I'd advise you against demanding that he leaves his parents and family. That too often leads to deep scars and resentments that will ultimately poison your relationship, just slowly over time like dripping poison.

When you see deep incompatibilities, the mature thing to do is to step away. Love doesn't conquer anything in real life - it's just a fleeing emotion. It takes much more than love to have a lasting marriage.

thank you so much, I'll take you advice! 

[Tinydance]

Well, first of all, at 23 years old your boyfriend should really be free to live his own life. Does he have a job and his own money? He's at an age where many people would have their own car anyway and wouldn't be taking their parents' car. If he wanted to stay at a motel with you then they couldn't have stopped him unless they financially support him and they didn't give him the money for the motel. If he has his own money them how can they stop him? Otherwise if he had money then obviously he actually wants to obey everything they say.

If he's not independent in any way, like no car and can't catch a train, no job or money, then unfortunately he doesn't really have much choice than to listen to his parents and do as they say. He sounds really dependent on them. 

I think you need a boyfriend who either is pretty independent and has his own money and car, or even has moved out of home. I moved out of home when I was 23. Or you at least need a boyfriend whose parents approve of your relationship and you'd be welcome at their place and they'd let you borrow their car and things like that. The only way that your relationship with your current boyfriend would work is if he stood up to his parents. His parents won't change their opinions.

[Wiseman2]

41 minutes ago, sunflower33 said:

we're both actually Christians it's a huge difference to them and yes he is living with his parents and does everything they tell them to do. 

Sorry this happened. At 10 mos., it would be best to cut your losses.

He and his parents have a right to their beliefs regardless of your or your parents views.

There's no point jumping through hoops like this. There's no right or wrong, there's just sadness and incompatibility.

 You could waste more time but you'll be hurt when he ends things because he found someone from the same background.

[sunflower33]

2 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well, first of all, at 23 years old your boyfriend should really be free to live his own life. Does he have a job and his own money? He's at any age where many people would have their own car anyway and wouldn't be taking their parents' car. If he wanted to stay at a motel with you then they couldn't have stopped him unless they financially support him and they didn't give him the money for the motel. If he has his own money them how can they stop him? Otherwise if he had money then obviously he actually wants to obey everything they say.

If he's not independent in any way, like no car and can't catch a train, no job or money, then unfortunately he doesn't really have much choice than to listen to his parents and do as they say. He sounds really dependent on them. 

I think you need a boyfriend who either is pretty independent and has his own money and car, or even has moved out of home. I moved out of home when I was 23. Or you at least need a boyfriend whose parents approve of your relationship and you'd be welcome at their place and they'd let you borrow their car and things like that. The only way that your relationship with your current boyfriend would work is if he stood up to his parents. His parents won't change their opinions.

He is living with his parents because he is going to college, they pay for his college. But he has saved enough money (me as well) for us to stay at a motel but his parents didn't let him to spend it. I usually go to his hometown to see him. I usually stayed with his parents but I don't feel comfortable anymore staying with them. 

[LaHermes]

All of that is now beside the point OP. This situation is going nowhere. 

Geeze, a man of 23 whose parents won't let him spend HIS own money!!

[Tinydance]

6 minutes ago, sunflower33 said:

He is living with his parents because he is going to college, they pay for his college. But he has saved enough money (me as well) for us to stay at a motel but his parents didn't let him to spend it. I usually go to his hometown to see him. I usually stayed with his parents but I don't feel comfortable anymore staying with them. 

Well he could still stand up for himself even if they pay for his college. I understand he is completely financial dependent on them so obviously he can't really do much. They sound awful to be honest so maybe they would even go so far as to stop paying for his college. I mean, your only other option is to wait for him to finish college and get a full-time job and move out into his own place. Do you think that can happen soon? If not then I probably wouldn't wait around if I was you because I don't think things will change with his parents. Your other option is you could politely talk to them about it and see what they say. But I doubt they'll say anything good 😞

[LaHermes]

11 minutes ago, sunflower33 said:

I usually stayed with his parents

I find this odd seeing as how they don't want you to "have any future" with him.   Or is it just that they don't mind you being some kind of "casual" and temporary entertainment for him.!

[maritalbliss86]

58 minutes ago, sunflower33 said:

even though we're both actually Christians it's a huge difference to them

I married into a Catholic family, and even though I was a devout Christian, they still vehemently rejected us, so I get it... to them it's like you aren't a, "real," Christian.

If you do marry, it will get a lot worse once you have kids if you don't have them baptized into their particularly faith.

46 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

If at age 23 he is under their thumb to that extent it doesn't bode well.  In fact, and at age 23 he should be out in the world being his own man.

^Right... he sounds like my husband's brother, whom they still control.  I don't think you want to marry someone like that.  We were married by the time my husband was 23, he'd been living on his own for years at that point. 

His brother has chosen a different path, and coasted along living with them off and on, failing out of college, jobs, etc., finally being pressured enough to marry the woman he was using for sex for a decade who is rude/mean to him because the family was getting embarrassed they weren't married yet.🤷‍♀️ 

I could see this working out if your boyfriend had already basically left them and struck out on his own, forging his own path and life, but he doesn't sound like a strong person, OP.  He sounds more like he enjoys coasting and having them make his decisions for him.

[SooSad33]

1 hour ago, sunflower33 said:

One day when his dad asked him "do you plan a future with her? " and he said "yes" , everything went downhill after that. They wouldn't let him take a car to see me

First off, it's been 10 months.

Neither one of you know, for real, IF you'd be marrying each other - so not sure if he responded this way, to see a reaction, with hopes.. Not sure?

As mentioned, seems THEY have control here 😕 ... If things are rough now, I don't see it getting any better in the long run- which means you'll both end up in a miserable position..

With all that has happened in this time, is best to remove yourself from all of this, right?  Neither of you need or want this to continue with such parents as his.

 

[smackie9]

They are freaking out that you could get pregnant and all that other stuff you are doing out of wedlock....like SEX! relax.

All he has to do is move out, get establish, job/career his own car etc. that is the only way this judgment will be lifted.

By the sounds of it he's not ready for a future with you...he's a long ways off for preparedness. So I can understand why they are upset. They don't hate you, they just don't like the situation and the horrible possibilities of poor choices.

[LaHermes]

1 hour ago, sunflower33 said:

Everything went great the first time I met his parents, they welcomed me with open arms. One day when his dad asked him "do you plan a future with her? " and he said "yes" , everything went downhill after that.

I get the vibe that they liked you as just a casual and temporary entertainment for their (child) son. 

You remarked:

"many parents don't like their kids marrying someone that isn't the same religion as them."

You are fine and dandy as just a GF but dear me never ever think of marrying due to religious differences.