Coming high to new girlfriend's house

[imk]

The guy I'm dating came to my place high on weed, without bringing anything to make me match this state of mind. He apologized honestly but I felt weird about it all evening and didn't want to touch him. Was it right of me to be upset?

(I don't have a problem with being high, just that he came high on his own and I felt weird sitting next to him when he's in such a different state of mind than mine)

[Jibralta]

Yeah, that's weird. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, imk said:

The guy I'm dating came to my place high on weed, without bringing anything to make me match this state of mind.

How long have you been dating? Throw anyone who does this type of thing out next time, letting him stay condones it.

Next time make real dates and do things together as a couple. Unfortunately he seems like a real loser.

[Batya33]

I think it's a communication problem.  It's rude of him to come to your house with his mind in an altered state (please don't tell me he drove to your home) unless of course he was ill/taking prescribed meds.  Since he knows you smoke perhaps he figured you had your own stash.  Also of course just because you both use drugs doesn't mean you'll be "matched" in the least. But again since he knows you use drugs too talk with him and see if this was a misunderstanding and check with him whether he's driving under the influence -wouldn't you hate it if he hurt or killed someone on the way to your home?

[reinventmyself]

I would just consider it not very smart.  You mention it's a guy you are newly dating and I'll assume it hasn't been very long. 

It's no different than showing up for a date drunk.  It's really inconsiderate.

[Tinydance]

Do you smoke weed yourself? Well to me it just seems like he's probably a stoner. Maybe he smokes weed all the time and seeing you was no different. To me turning up to a date under the influence of XYZ indicates most likely being addicted to that substance. Unless that person just felt really nervous and used it to calm their nerves before a date.

[indea08]

I think you’re going to get widely varied answers to this because people’s opinions on weed are widely varied.

I think before you take any action, you should ask yourself a few “why’s” to learn what exactly about this bothered you. Was it that he smoked without you? Was it that you were worried about your family making judgements or assumptions? Was it because you were worried about him having driven? Once you answer the first “why”, then ask yourself “why” again...for example:

Q1: ”Why did it bother me that he was high?”

A1: Because I felt weird about him sitting next to me being high.

Q2: “Why did I feel weird about him being high while I was not?”

A2: Because it feels weird to have a conversation with him when he has high thoughts and I’m sober.

Q3: Why do his high thoughts make it hard for me to have a conversation with him?

A3: Because it’s hard to follow his train of thought and I don’t understand his point.

(These are just example answers)

Continue on asking “why” until you find an answer that explains what exactly it was you didn’t like. Then you can share your thoughts with him and just have a conversation, get on the same page. 

I think if you just approach him with your vague discomfort you’ve described here, he’ll first get defensive because it sounds like you don’t want him to smoke unless it’s with you (controlling). If you understand your feelings a bit better, you’ll have a more clear idea of what to ask of him. He did nothing wrong here, imo, so no need for confrontation. Just conversation.

[smackie9]

This is a big red flag. He has a dependency, and this goes beyond recreational. I agree it's no different showing up drunk. It's a turn off. Newly dating everyone should be putting their best foot forward. Already he's being rude and inconsiderate. I'm not against pot or whatever....but there is a time and place for it.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, imk said:

The guy I'm dating came to my place high on weed

So he's driving around like this? What if it's your child/loved one he kills driving impaired. Dump this dirt. And your concern is he didn't bring you weed?

[imk]

Just to make one thing clear: He was not driving high! That wouldn't be acceptable, as any other instance of risking others. You guys are absolutely right and I'm with you 100%.

Thanks so much to all of you, it really helped me understand that I wasn't exaggerating and it's a relief.

As a side note, he's a good and very considerate guy, I think he didn't think it through. He did apologize and even when I said it's okay he said 'no, it's not. I wasn't thinking about you'. So, hopefully he understood the issue, and I'll wait and see what happens from now on.

❤️❤️❤️

[smackie9]

it's shouldn't be a matter of "I think he....." There's a need to communicate boundaries with him so he knows exactly what you mean to make sure you both are on the same page.

True story a coworker and her hubby came by my house to pick up a freezer I was getting rid of. Once it was loaded they just proceeded to spark up a joint right in my front yard. This was before legalization and I was surrounded by retired neighbors. They never bother to ask if it was ok..nothing. I was pissed they disregarded that fact. I told them they are NOT doing that here and to be on their way.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, imk said:

Just to make one thing clear: He was not driving high! That wouldn't be acceptable, as any other instance of risking others. You guys are absolutely right and I'm with you 100%.

Thanks so much to all of you, it really helped me understand that I wasn't exaggerating and it's a relief.

As a side note, he's a good and very considerate guy, I think he didn't think it through. He did apologize and even when I said it's okay he said 'no, it's not. I wasn't thinking about you'. So, hopefully he understood the issue, and I'll wait and see what happens from now on.

❤️❤️❤️

How did he get to your house and get home?

i'm glad he recognized his mistake and apologized in such a genuine way.

[imk]

11 hours ago, Batya33 said:

How did he get to your house and get home?

i'm glad he recognized his mistake and apologized in such a genuine way.

We live within walking distance. 🙂

Thanks! I'm glad too! ❤️

I've known him from before we started dating, and I know he meant no wrong or disrespect. It's important to be able to forgive and understand, especially after an honest apology, and also since he's been super considerate in everything else we've been doing ever, and with other people too.

 

14 hours ago, smackie9 said:

it's shouldn't be a matter of "I think he....." There's a need to communicate boundaries with him so he knows exactly what you mean to make sure you both are on the same page.

True story a coworker and her hubby came by my house to pick up a freezer I was getting rid of. Once it was loaded they just proceeded to spark up a joint right in my front yard. This was before legalization and I was surrounded by retired neighbors. They never bother to ask if it was ok..nothing. I was pissed they disregarded that fact. I told them they are NOT doing that here and to be on their way.

I understand what you're saying, although I do believe in communicating non-verbally too. Sometimes you need to say things clearly, and I do that often, but sometimes expressing it in other ways is enough, it depends on the case. Since he apologized and I expressed my discomfort, I think he did get the point. If anything like that happens again, I'll be sure to say something clearly.

🙂

[Wiseman2]

On 4/20/2021 at 5:19 AM, imk said:

The guy I'm dating came to my place high on weed, without bringing anything to make me match this state of mind. 

Were you more upset he showed up high or that he didn't bring any weed for you? 

Who usually pays for weed and do you usually share?

[Jibralta]

23 minutes ago, imk said:

If anything like that happens again, I'll be sure to say something clearly.

Just be careful that you don't end up in a relationship with a guy who just can't seem to figure these things out for himself. You shouldn't have to nudge and prod a dude through the actions, behaviors, and standards that are shared in society and expected of adults. 

[imk]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Were you more upset he showed up high or that he didn't bring any weed for you? 

Who usually pays for weed and do you usually share?

I was a bit upset by him not thinking about the consequences, but that went away after he apologized, and then I was left bothered by having different states of mind. It was weird for me. About the weed, he doesn't have to bring me anything, I could bring some too, but if he comes high at least bring some so I'm not feeling weird. I know 100% that it's not an issue at all for him to bring some, just like I could if it was the other way - we share stuff like that. It's also the way our friends are.

5 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Just be careful that you don't end up in a relationship with a guy who just can't seem to figure these things out for himself. You shouldn't have to nudge and prod a dude through the actions, behaviors, and standards that are shared in society and expected of adults. 

I agree. I actually have low tolerance for clueless guys. (Although they deserve love and compassion too. Just from someone with more patience than me :))

He's not like that at all. He's been 100% a true gentleman in everything else. Just a simple mistake, it happens. (Not like he showed up wasted at my doorstep, although it might sound this way.)

It's really easy in today's culture to be judgy. We all make little mistakes sometimes, and some are very uncharacteristic of us. As long as it's not a pattern, it's all good 🙂

[Fudgie]

I'm wondering if the fact that you two knew each other before dating played a part in this. I could see an adult showing up to a friend's house (knowing that they partake as well) kind of high. But in a new relationship, no, not really, especially if the person doesn't have any to share. I'm wondering if the fact that you two knew each other before dating made him more lax in regards to this than if he had just met you recently.

You did the right thing, by talking to him. See if a pattern develops or not. Could be a just one-off thing. 

[imk]

13 hours ago, Fudgie said:

I'm wondering if the fact that you two knew each other before dating played a part in this. I could see an adult showing up to a friend's house (knowing that they partake as well) kind of high. But in a new relationship, no, not really, especially if the person doesn't have any to share. I'm wondering if the fact that you two knew each other before dating made him more lax in regards to this than if he had just met you recently.

You did the right thing, by talking to him. See if a pattern develops or not. Could be a just one-off thing. 

Yeah, could be! I don't know his side, but maybe. We feel pretty close already - it's been very different dating someone after knowing them for a bit, and not just that, many of my friends know him and everybody loves him. I know he smokes here and there, and he just had a really long day and wanted to relax, so he smoked a bit.

I'll see what happens for sure. 🙂 So far he's a prince.