Can a man have sex with a women he isnt physically attracted to

[Missy KKM]

I want people views and honest opinions. 

I was friends with a man for 12 years. He had been in romantic relationships with women and use to call me to talk about his life. 

Also our friendship wasn't platonic but it wasn't fully friends with benefits as I didn't cross the line, except kiss and some foreplay. 

In last years we were more in contact as he went through a dark patch in life and I felt a strong concern, care and feelings of love developed. 

I shared this with him, and he never reciprocated and said he was not ready to be in a relationship again after his heart break and needs a year or so. I totally got it.

We remained in contact, but u felt he was on his soul building and healing journey

But still giving him care and love so he knows I'm still here and we can start something with each slowly at his pace.

Recently I felt something change in him, where he wasn't himself and only called or reached out for phone sex or facetime sex. 

I felt it wasn't us or where I thought things would go. I prefer to be platonic friends, least its authentic.

So i refused kindly and said it feels dishonourable and I think we should talk....I sensed something was fishy.

We did, he called and told me that he had gone back to his ex. 

I said, then why do you contact me seeking sexual connection? That is so wrong and unfair to his women. 

He said yeh I agree it is. 

He said "i want to *** you, but i can't be in a relationship with you because i don't find you physically attractive" 

I was lost for words, almost went into shock, my friend, the man I loved just said that.....and what could I say in response because I dont even know what that means. I went silent for a few seconds. It was like my head developed a migraine within seconds. 

So I said, in a very soft voice "I fell in love with you, so for my best interest we should stop talking and end our connection" 

He said "yeh we should" 

I said " I'm going to miss you, and I'll think of you often" 

He said "I will miss you too and think of you also" 

I said "thats normal and part of moving on and letting go" 

We said goodbye and with a very heavy heart put the phone down. Deleted his number and all pictures. 

It's been a week, and still feel a hole in my heart. That's my issue. 

But what I dont understand was his words. 

Can people give me their view or analysis on this? Especially the part about not being able to be in a relationship because he doesn't find me attractive but wants to *** me.

[Seraphim]

Don’t try and figure this man out . He is a cheating .... He is sleezy. Never let him back into your life. 

[melancholy123]

I think what he said was pretty cruel and he should not have said that.  My guess is he was looking for someone to have sex with and he would have with you but he didnt want to end up in a relationship with you so he said his unkind comment.  

Going back to his ex should be enough for you to let this go.  Yes men can have sex with women  they dont find attractive because they are horny, that is nothing new.  

[1a1a]

My old housemate dated someone for almost a year who he didn’t really find sexy. He liked a lot of other things about her a lot and he liked having sex with her but it wasn’t a flaming hot attraction for him. And while flaming hot attractions don’t necessarily make viable foundation for a long term relationship, I think it’s still important. You should think your partner is hot. I digress. Even if he wasn’t a person of poor character who was just stringing you along by now, it’s absolutely possible that he was hitting you up for sexual kicks without really thinking you’re hot, he wouldn’t be the first, and now you have that information I think it should disqualify him from the list of potential forever people.

[lostandhurt]

Yes men can have sex with someone they are not attracted to.   I don't think this is what he was after though.  I think he wanted to have sex with you and really likes you but he didn't want to be in a relationship with you so he gave you the only reason he could think of.  You have been friends a long time and have a connection so he couldn't go down that road but he wanted to bang you so he took a shot and risked losing you as a friend just for sex.

You did exactly the right thing so good on you.  Don't feel bad that he turned out to be a jerk and your heart hurts because he is a selfish jerk.  For you the feelings were real so it hurts.

He did you a huge favor and is now out of your life, just make sure he stays out.  Don't be surprised when his ex get sick of him again he reaches out with some BS about how he was wrong and wants to be friends once again.  Don't fall for it.

Lost

[Missy KKM]

1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

Don’t try and figure this man out . He is a cheating .... He is sleezy. Never let him back into your life. 

Thank you for your thoughts. 

[Missy KKM]

54 minutes ago, melancholy123 said:

I think what he said was pretty cruel and he should not have said that.  My guess is he was looking for someone to have sex with and he would have with you but he didnt want to end up in a relationship with you so he said his unkind comment.  

Going back to his ex should be enough for you to let this go.  Yes men can have sex with women  they dont find attractive because they are horny, that is nothing new.  

Your right, I don't believe he is in a relationship with his ex either.

 

Yes it was unkind to say that, I don't think I believed him as I know the passion we felt when together. However I took his words as truth and walked away with my dignity.

He has self sabotaged a unique & pure connection....sad for him.

 

Thank you for your thoughts 

[Missy KKM]

1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

Don’t try and figure this man out . He is a cheating .... He is sleezy. Never let him back into your life. 

Cheating would be if I was being deceived....but I see your point cheating doesn't need to be just about infidelity.

 

I agree not allowing him back in and if he truly feels regret or any respect for me or what we had....then he Will not come back in.

 

Thank you for your thoughts 

[Missy KKM]

22 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

Yes men can have sex with someone they are not attracted to.   I don't think this is what he was after though.  I think he wanted to have sex with you and really likes you but he didn't want to be in a relationship with you so he gave you the only reason he could think of.  You have been friends a long time and have a connection so he couldn't go down that road but he wanted to bang you so he took a shot and risked losing you as a friend just for sex.

You did exactly the right thing so good on you.  Don't feel bad that he turned out to be a jerk and your heart hurts because he is a selfish jerk.  For you the feelings were real so it hurts.

He did you a huge favor and is now out of your life, just make sure he stays out.  Don't be surprised when his ex get sick of him again he reaches out with some BS about how he was wrong and wants to be friends once again.  Don't fall for it.

Lost

I agree, interesting you picked up on that....and I also think he isnt in a relationship with his ex either.

 

I agree with his reasons for not wanting to be in a relationship, I understand what he had gone through.

 

He gave me the only reason yes...because we never fought, fall out, judged or had any reason to dislike. Perhaps I was pre mature in pushing for a relationship when he wasn't ready and that drove him to push me to push him away.

 

He doesnt do the whole I was wrong speech, but if he reached owt then I would want to hear an explanation, not that he was wrong or that he was sorry. But why he said that. 

 

I feel even if its true....one spares ones feelings and you think.....nah I'm not attracted so one would say...no relationship with you, as we ain't compatible. Even that isn't true in our case. Our mental, emotional, sexual, compatibility was perfect....he slipped that out once....he cannot fathom why I am so perfect in and out. 

 

I value your thoughts, it gives me further insight.

[Missy KKM]

50 minutes ago, 1a1a said:

My old housemate dated someone for almost a year who he didn’t really find sexy. He liked a lot of other things about her a lot and he liked having sex with her but it wasn’t a flaming hot attraction for him. And while flaming hot attractions don’t necessarily make viable foundation for a long term relationship, I think it’s still important. You should think your partner is hot. I digress. Even if he wasn’t a person of poor character who was just stringing you along by now, it’s absolutely possible that he was hitting you up for sexual kicks without really thinking you’re hot, he wouldn’t be the first, and now you have that information I think it should disqualify him from the list of potential forever people.

Very interesting points, he had miss world on his arm who cheating on him and broke him into pieces, but I also agree you gotta find your partner hot.

Disqualify sounds about right.

[Rose Mosse]

He was blunt and repulsive but he was honest so I guess you can take it for what it is. I don't know how I would ever look at someone the same way again. You have good instincts so don't second guess yourself about the rest of it. You may miss him but you aren't missing out on much.

 

 

[Missy KKM]

13 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

He was blunt and repulsive but he was honest so I guess you can take it for what it is. I don't know how I would ever look at someone the same way again. You have good instincts so don't second guess yourself about the rest of it. You may miss him but you aren't missing out on much.

 

 

I agree, It would be very difficult to look at him with the same grace again. In gods rejection is his protection...I feel your right about im not missing out.....im being protected. Whatever is going on in his life, he has been cruel to be kind.

[Rose Mosse]

6 minutes ago, Missy KKM said:

I agree, It would be very difficult to look at him with the same grace again. In gods rejection is his protection...I feel your right about im not missing out.....im being protected. Whatever is going on in his life, he has been cruel to be kind.

I don't even know if he is kind. His self doesn't go beyond what he said. Maybe you built him up in your mind a little further along than what he would/could ever be in reality. I think you're still hurt and stinging from his crude comment. With time those attachments will fade.. keep sticking to your instincts and your beliefs in what makes you happy or what a fulfilling or meaningful relationship should be. I often find this helps the most especially when there is a barrage or hailstorm of different kinds of people flying by or at us or things happening at once. 

[Wiseman2]

If you are looking for dating and/or a relationship, this is not it.

He's treating you worse than a prostitute because at least they get paid for doing this type of thing.

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men who want what you want.

[Tanzi]

Aaaw Miss KK, I'm so sorry you are going through this.  What an utter pr***k this man is.  You have 1000% done the right thing.  Be proud of yourself for cutting him off and deleting him out of your life in the way that you have.

I wouldn't read too much into his cruel words.  He is just saying nasty stuff because he wants you out of his life now that he is done with you. 

The likelihood is, he was probably was lying when he said he was getting back with his ex, so please make a promise to yourself that if he ever comes sniffing around again, you will ignore him completely.  

[Tinydance]

Good work deleting and blocking him on everything and please don't ever talk to him again. First of all, if you love him but he doesn't love you and doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, what is the point? You would only get hurt. Secondly, I don't think this man is really your friend anyway or really cares about you. I think basically what he was saying to you is that he was happy to just use you for sex. I think some men do want to have sex with someone they're not attracted to because they just want to enjoy the physical pleasure of sex. They probably just prefer sex to masturbating and they just need someone to do it with them. They might not actually care who the woman is as long as they can put their penis in her vagina lol Of course I'm not saying all men are like this but some people are just very sex oriented.

[Lambert]

That was a pretty messed up thing for him to say and it was a reflection of HIM, not you.  I am sorry he said that.  As my mom would say, sometimes you have to consider the source.  He sounds like a pretty messed up guy.  A taker, not a giver.  In the long run, this would have been much more destructive to you.  So be glad you got out now.  You absolutely did the right thing.  

Attraction is subjective.  So just because he said that, he does not speak for all men.  So don't dwell on it.  He obviously has bad judgment and there's no accounting for taste!  (smile)

You'll be ok.  Your journey is moving you forward to heal and find better.  His journey, is a back track.  His choice and his problem.  Maybe in the future consider who you give you care and concern to.  This is something I recently started learning.  I always put so much into all my relationships.  But not every one them deserved this blanket of care I was providing. 

Maybe I felt like if I didn't do these things, they wouldn't value me or love me.  But I am figuring out for myself, I am enough.  I don't have to take on everyone's problems and save everyone in my life.  Figure it out people!  No apologies.  

Yes. Some people can have sex with anyone.  Women and men can.  

[catfeeder]

Sure, people can use anything as a sexual device. But 'Attraction' means different things to different people. So it's a mind thing rather than a body thing.

I might find a man physically beautiful, but if we hold different values or want different things, I'm not attracted to him in the slightest. 

I'm glad to hear that you've closed this chapter. The man has nothing to offer that you can't dial a service to perform. Hold to your ideals of the kind of relationship you want, and raise your bar on actively screening out people who will not give it to you--early.

By allowing wrong matches to pass quickly--and long before building fantasies 'around' them--you build the resilience necessary for dating that can lead you to the RIGHT match for you someday.

Decide how difficult your dis-illusion-ment about this man 'must' be.

Reassign the importance you choose to give him. Make it a goal to surprise yourself with your ability to bounce back even stronger for the lesson learned about premature investments.

Head high, we all learn by trial and error.

[Unsure2021]

This man taught you an important lesson by telling you a hard truth. People can use you for sex and not even find you attractive enough for a relationship, simply because they are horny or want a pleasurable distraction. As a woman I’ve done it too, only kept the relationship NSA because of the lack of attraction. He was luckily up front about it, which allowed you to make the best choice for you under the circumstances. He could’ve lied and bedded you still, while letting you think he cared. Be grateful for that and move on to someone who finds you attractive enough to be in a relationship with, not just to f&ck.

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, Unsure2021 said:

This man taught you an important lesson by telling you a hard truth. People can use you for sex and not even find you attractive enough for a relationship, simply because they are horny or want a pleasurable distraction. As a woman I’ve done it too, only kept the relationship NSA because of the lack of attraction. He was luckily up front about it, which allowed you to make the best choice for you under the circumstances. He could’ve lied and bedded you still, while letting you think he cared. Be grateful for that and move on to someone who finds you attractive enough to be in a relationship with, not just to f&ck.

Yep, but I'd be careful about taking a knock to your self esteem as though HIS lack of attraction had to mean that you're not beautiful or desirable. You made your feelings known to him, and he didn't share your vision of having a relationship. The idea of someone being too invested can turn someone off, no matter how attractive you are to others.

That guy's rejection speaks of HIS limits rather than of any deficiency in you.

Hold out for someone with the vision to view you through the right lens--someone who 'gets' you and with whom you can enjoy simpatico. This guy was not him.