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Please help, Need Advice - Ex boyfriend cheated on me with his ex girlfriend for months and then left me for her (LDR)

bumblebee

By bumblebee
in Relationship Advice

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MissCanuck Grand Master

MissCanuck

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47 minutes ago, bumblebee said:

I've always had male attention, but i've always valued relationships above all else. Before him, i had: a 7 year relationship from 16 to 23, several short term relationships, and then him. I've never gone for a specific type, they were all different, so no I didn't go for him because i was having a dry spell and no options

I am curious to hear exactly attracted you to this guy? Surely you've had better than this:

Lives in another country, doesn't work, isn't self-sufficient, started chatting with you when he was in a relationship. 

What was the appeal?

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smackie9 Grand Master

smackie9

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Sorry but this guy is a full on predator. You were groomed for those months on the game chat. You are weak (low self esteem/lonely) and that's what he looks for so you would be so dependent on him,( just like the other girls), and continue to take him back even with his shenanigans going on. Guys like him, in all their selfishness, don't realize the carnage they leave behind.

I agree you should seek therapy to work through your emotions, your confusion, so you can start the healing process. Yes any kind of breakup is painful, you wonder what the hell happened, why it happened, why you got there....but to know you were used in such a way is a pretty tough pill to swallow. It's an awful feeling. I hope you get through this soon and feel some good about yourself...be a survivor, not a victim.

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boltnrun Grand Master

boltnrun

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On 3/27/2021 at 10:29 AM, bumblebee said:

I am very generous in relationships and giving, sometimes at my own expense. I am very conflict avoidant due to issues in childhood and very submissive in relationships in the traditional sense.

 

On 3/27/2021 at 10:29 AM, bumblebee said:

At the time i was overweight and a bit socially awkward.

I'm going to guess this had a lot to do with it.

Intelligent and nuanced is so vague.  I presume it means he was glib and could talk a good game.

But bottom line, there were screaming red flags all along.  You chose to deal with it by basically throwing money at him, hoping that would help you keep him because for some reason you thought you needed him in your life.

I've done things I wish I hadn't in an effort to "keep" someone.  It all went bad just like your situation did because these men are not quality individuals worth "keeping". My ex took advantage of my low self worth by lying, cheating and hiding things from me.  And when confronted, he said "Well, you know what I'm like and you keep coming back.  I figured you like being treated that way."

I had to stop dating for a long while because I didn't trust myself to not fall into the same situation.  Now I think I'm pretty awesome and I no longer think I have to go to extremes to "keep" a man.  They're either right for me and are willing to put in equal effort or they're not. And if they're not, I'm free to walk away.

I think with some therapy you can get to the point where you no longer feel like you need to "buy" love because you'll know you're awesome and deserve an equitable relationship with a man who truly loves and respects you.

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bumblebee Enthusiast

bumblebee

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59 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I am curious to hear exactly attracted you to this guy? Surely you've had better than this:

Lives in another country, doesn't work, isn't self-sufficient, started chatting with you when he was in a relationship. 

What was the appeal?

Well, it's hard to explain, we had a lot of things in common, we could carry deep conversations, he was quite charming and had a way with words where he sounded very intelligent. He was also quite warm and caring when I ran into issues, so he would be my safety blanket sometimes. He also gave good advice. And in person, he felt like home, he was very comforting. Just his life was a mess and as much as he had these positive characteristics, I blinded myself in regards to the negative parts. Thinking back on it, it seems like I was a three year rebound and the entire time I had absolutely no clue.

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bumblebee Enthusiast

bumblebee

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58 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Sorry but this guy is a full on predator. You were groomed for those months on the game chat. You are weak (low self esteem/lonely) and that's what he looks for so you would be so dependent on him,( just like the other girls), and continue to take him back even with his shenanigans going on. Guys like him, in all their selfishness, don't realize the carnage they leave behind.

I agree you should seek therapy to work through your emotions, your confusion, so you can start the healing process. Yes any kind of breakup is painful, you wonder what the hell happened, why it happened, why you got there....but to know you were used in such a way is a pretty tough pill to swallow. It's an awful feeling. I hope you get through this soon and feel some good about yourself...be a survivor, not a victim.

Thank you. Yes, that's the hardest part, knowing that our three year commitment seemed to just be essentially a rebound and a way to pass the time before he could pursue his ex.

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MissCanuck Grand Master

MissCanuck

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In the future, look carefully at the source of the care and advice. When it's as sketchy as this was, you cannot take it very seriously. 

Don't willfully overlook red flags. There were plenty very obvious ones. You are not as oblivious as you're telling yourself. 

I also don't think you were a 3-year-rebound; I think he's been on-off-on with his girlfriend the entire time and you are the one he cheated with. My guess is that your entire idea of who you thought he was would be pulverized if you knew the truth about this person and his girlfriend and their relationship. 

I think he's been lying to you from the get-go, bumblebee. 

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bumblebee Enthusiast

bumblebee

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50 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

 

I'm going to guess this had a lot to do with it.

Intelligent and nuanced is so vague.  I presume it means he was glib and could talk a good game.

But bottom line, there were screaming red flags all along.  You chose to deal with it by basically throwing money at him, hoping that would help you keep him because for some reason you thought you needed him in your life.

I've done things I wish I hadn't in an effort to "keep" someone.  It all went bad just like your situation did because these men are not quality individuals worth "keeping". My ex took advantage of my low self worth by lying, cheating and hiding things from me.  And when confronted, he said "Well, you know what I'm like and you keep coming back.  I figured you like being treated that way."

I had to stop dating for a long while because I didn't trust myself to not fall into the same situation.  Now I think I'm pretty awesome and I no longer think I have to go to extremes to "keep" a man.  They're either right for me and are willing to put in equal effort or they're not. And if they're not, I'm free to walk away.

I think with some therapy you can get to the point where you no longer feel like you need to "buy" love because you'll know you're awesome and deserve an equitable relationship with a man who truly loves and respects you.

I wasn't exactly throwing money at him, just when he'd visit I wanted us to do nice things, I live in a beautiful city and know all the cool places, and he was too broke, so I didn't want to just sit at home and not do anything, so I didn't mind paying.

Funny thing is in my entire life I never had self esteem issues before I met him. literally never. Was never mistreated in relationships before either before this one, which is why I am so shocked. All the insecurities came after he made certain comments that really got to me.

And I agree, I ignored the red flags. He was always good at saying the right thing or convincing me, so that had a lot to do with it. I need to see myself for my own worth.

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boltnrun Grand Master

boltnrun

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On 3/27/2021 at 10:29 AM, bumblebee said:

I am seriously considering ending my life

I missed this.  Are you still feeling this way?

If you're seriously considering ending your life, please contact a professional immediately.  And then contact a family member and let them know you're considering suicide so they can provide support.

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bumblebee Enthusiast

bumblebee

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7 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

In the future, look carefully at the source of the care and advice. When it's as sketchy as this was, you cannot take it very seriously. 

Don't willfully overlook red flags. There were plenty very obvious ones. You are not as oblivious as you're telling yourself. 

I also don't think you were a 3-year-rebound; I think he's been on-off-on with his girlfriend the entire time and you are the one he cheated with. My guess is that your entire idea of who you thought he was would be pulverized if you knew the truth about this person and his girlfriend and their relationship. 

I think he's been lying to you from the get-go, bumblebee. 

I spoke to some mutual friends about it and they had a similar story to me, but I can't confirm if he didn't lie to his friends either. Basically what I was told today was that him and that girl had been friends for a long time, they started dating casually for a few months, he flew once to see her and he dumped her on that trip. Then he pursued me. So there was some distance between them, and at some point she reentered his life (I don't know when, my ex said a year ago but I don't trust him). Several months ago, it became sexual. Either way, in no situation do you keep an ex around in the background to pursue behind your partner's back. It's extremely selfish and disrespectful to hedge bets like that.

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bumblebee Enthusiast

bumblebee

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3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I missed this.  Are you still feeling this way?

If you're seriously considering ending your life, please contact a professional immediately.  And then contact a family member and let them know you're considering suicide so they can provide support.

I'm in a better place mentally now. I was very distraught when I posted it, but I feel better.

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MissCanuck Grand Master

MissCanuck

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Just now, bumblebee said:

4 times, one time i was there, 3 times he was here. 

Not a lot for a 3-year relationship, in other words. 

I think you need to remember that when you see someone so little, you can't really begin to assess who they really are. 

What he showed you was bad enough. I imagine there's worse that you don't know about, and it's best to leave this individual in your rear-view mirror forever. 

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bumblebee Enthusiast

bumblebee

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8 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

oh I'm sure there were probably another or others.....seems to be his MO. This wasn't his first rodeo.

I'm not sure because his pattern is he reconnects with people he has history with because they're easier to lure in. And to my knowledge this ex was the only one that hasn't burned bridges with him. But he may have other options I don't know about. He'll probably do this to the ex he left me for also when things get difficult, but at least that's her dumpster fire to deal with now.

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bumblebee Enthusiast

bumblebee

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2 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Not a lot for a 3-year relationship, in other words. 

I think you need to remember that when you see someone so little, you can't really begin to assess who they really are. 

What he showed you was bad enough. I imagine there's worse that you don't know about, and it's best to leave this individual in your rear-view mirror forever. 

I'm sure he did a lot more that I don't know about. I think he has a history of monkey branching in relationships because he can't be alone. And yeah, it was not a lot, but the crazy thing is we had been looking at houses to move in together for weeks, and he seemed very happy with the idea. Think last time we did was two days before he dumped me. Surreal.

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bumblebee Enthusiast

bumblebee

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4 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

It's not a matter of him doing this to her....he's DONE it to her too, and probably others. She's in the same boat as you. She wan't the problem...he is.

Yes agree. Heck, he dumped her to be with me and framed it to me at the time that it was just casual and it was mutual, which was complete bull***, she probably was dumped and felt blindsided. Every time things get difficult, he pursues someone else it seems, which is why I'm thinking he will do it again with her and repeat the cycle.

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Rose Mosse Grand Master

Rose Mosse

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I agree that you dodged a bullet. In the end it may have been the distance after all that saved you because he couldn't keep up the farce and his double life in different countries. Stay single for awhile, seek therapy or counseling. 

You're open and giving and searching for likeminded and online is where it seemed to happen because that's where most of your time is spent. Those forms of support can also be found in person and in local interest groups. At the very least find local interest groups in your area that meet online due to any covid restrictions at the moment. Don't date for awhile. Take your time. 

This guy is a piece of work and someone else's problem now. Take the high road and start working out a plan for yourself. Create more limits/boundaries with existing hobbies or interests, find local interests, seek support and counselling or therapy. Brush yourself off and clean up any issues you have with your self-image and the way you treat yourself and see yourself. When you feel good about who you are, you start to request that others see the same also. If you wouldn't do or say something to someone, you shouldn't accept the same directed at you either. 

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Clio Mentor

Clio

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8 hours ago, bumblebee said:

How exactly did I try to control him and make him stay? He willingly stayed and it was something he expressed he wanted, I didn't force him to stay

You didn't outright force him to stay but you did try to control the situation in roundabout ways by paying for him, offering to buy a house, "convincing" him to come back and doing things on camera that you weren't really comfortable with.  Whether you realise it it or not, putting up with someone's crap like that to your emotional expense and "giving them the world" was an effort to control the outcome.  Had things been reciprocal, you wouldn' t have had to go to such extremes and they wouldn't need any kind of "convincing" in order to be with you. Jumping through hoops and making sacrifices in an (unconscious or conscious) attempt to change someone's mind is a veiled form of manipulation maneuver that codependent people resort to in order to control a situation, even though they may not realise it at the time.   To me, it sounds like this guy triggered some deep abandonment issues you have from losing your loved ones during your childhood and your inner child went out of her way in order to not be abandoned this time around. A good psychotherapist could help you get to the bottom of this in ways that strangers on the internet can't.

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