Please help, Need Advice - Ex boyfriend cheated on me with his ex girlfriend for months and then left me for her (LDR)

[Rose Mosse]

For someone as heinous as this blocking is best. You should be looking at ways of sealing yourself off from more predators and strange people especially online, OP. That contact is easily preventable and a matter of clicking buttons. He needs to disappear from your life. If he has access to any other personal info or is linked to you on other accounts (social media etc), block and delete his contact also. 

Don't put money anywhere anymore except back to your own pocket. That was a figure of speech but ironic! Don't wait for any of his attempts at reconciliation later either. This isn't worth the headache. You could be 20 steps forwards already rebuilding your life back up, in therapy and feeling good about yourself. Why leave yourself open to a DM from some guy who doesn't know his front from his backside? Let go..

[Hollyj]

On 3/27/2021 at 2:26 PM, MissCanuck said:

Oh, OP. This is so sad to read. 

What you call sefless and loyal and unconditionally loving? It's actually more like enabling, codependent and approval-seeking. It is terribly unhealthy to "love" this way, especially for some guy who does not treat you well or respect you. It isn't noble to give and give and give to people who wipe their feet on you. It's a sign that something is dysfunctional about your perception of love and partnerhship. 

This was a toxic, lopsided relationship that never should have gotten off the ground. Red flags right from the beginning when he started emotionally cheating on his ex with you online. And I think you actually have a lot of this backwards, though unwittingly: I think he's been cheating on his girlfriend with you. It's pretty clear that she is his primary girlfriend and you are the one he messes around with on the side, sadly. 

You need to extricate yourself from this low-life forever, and work on your self-esteem. This clown is bottom-of-the-barrel, and you deserve 1000x better. But you won't get it until you do the hard work in understanding why you don't think you deserve a guy of much higher calibre. 

This isn't love, and it never was. 

I agree with all of this.  
 

Please seek some therapy to deal with your self esteem issues.  This guy is abusive and a loser.  I don’t understand what ever attracted you to him.  Find someone who has  a JOB and can support themselves.  Stop paying for men!  
 

did you ever introduce this lowlife to your colleagues or friends? 

[Hollyj]

7 hours ago, bumblebee said:

Yeah i do regret not putting up more of a challenge, I think the reason why this turned so badly was also because I was so giving and formless and he just took me for granted

It’s not giving, it is low self worth. 

[bumblebee]

14 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

I agree that you dodged a bullet. In the end it may have been the distance after all that saved you because he couldn't keep up the farce and his double life in different countries. Stay single for awhile, seek therapy or counseling. 

You're open and giving and searching for likeminded and online is where it seemed to happen because that's where most of your time is spent. Those forms of support can also be found in person and in local interest groups. At the very least find local interest groups in your area that meet online due to any covid restrictions at the moment. Don't date for awhile. Take your time. 

This guy is a piece of work and someone else's problem now. Take the high road and start working out a plan for yourself. Create more limits/boundaries with existing hobbies or interests, find local interests, seek support and counselling or therapy. Brush yourself off and clean up any issues you have with your self-image and the way you treat yourself and see yourself. When you feel good about who you are, you start to request that others see the same also. If you wouldn't do or say something to someone, you shouldn't accept the same directed at you either. 

Yes, just keeping his ex in his life at all before he even cheated shows me that he never respected me enough. I put up with too much.

[bumblebee]

10 hours ago, Hollyj said:

It’s not giving, it is low self worth. 

I think while my self esteem is low I've liked giving in all my relationships, and this is my only dysfunctional one so far.

[bumblebee]

10 hours ago, Hollyj said:

I agree with all of this.  
 

Please seek some therapy to deal with your self esteem issues.  This guy is abusive and a loser.  I don’t understand what ever attracted you to him.  Find someone who has  a JOB and can support themselves.  Stop paying for men!  
 

did you ever introduce this lowlife to your colleagues or friends? 

I never introduced him to my friends, no. He introduced me to some of his.

[bumblebee]

13 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

For someone as heinous as this blocking is best. You should be looking at ways of sealing yourself off from more predators and strange people especially online, OP. That contact is easily preventable and a matter of clicking buttons. He needs to disappear from your life. If he has access to any other personal info or is linked to you on other accounts (social media etc), block and delete his contact also. 

Don't put money anywhere anymore except back to your own pocket. That was a figure of speech but ironic! Don't wait for any of his attempts at reconciliation later either. This isn't worth the headache. You could be 20 steps forwards already rebuilding your life back up, in therapy and feeling good about yourself. Why leave yourself open to a DM from some guy who doesn't know his front from his backside? Let go..

I have removed him everywhere, deleted his number, all the conversation history because after the awful things he said to me I couldn't re-read them any longer. This breach of trust was unforgivable and reconciliation is off the table.

[bumblebee]

14 hours ago, Clio said:

You didn't outright force him to stay but you did try to control the situation in roundabout ways by paying for him, offering to buy a house, "convincing" him to come back and doing things on camera that you weren't really comfortable with.  Whether you realise it it or not, putting up with someone's crap like that to your emotional expense and "giving them the world" was an effort to control the outcome.  Had things been reciprocal, you wouldn' t have had to go to such extremes and they wouldn't need any kind of "convincing" in order to be with you. Jumping through hoops and making sacrifices in an (unconscious or conscious) attempt to change someone's mind is a veiled form of manipulation maneuver that codependent people resort to in order to control a situation, even though they may not realise it at the time.   To me, it sounds like this guy triggered some deep abandonment issues you have from losing your loved ones during your childhood and your inner child went out of her way in order to not be abandoned this time around. A good psychotherapist could help you get to the bottom of this in ways that strangers on the internet can't.

I don't think it's fair to say that I manipulated him into staying. He stayed because it wad convenient for him at the time before he decided to pursue his ex behind my back. I do have abandonment issues, so I recognize that. And there was certainly a power imbalance in the relationship, but I certainly did not manipulate him.

[bumblebee]

14 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Are you hoping this will happen?

Do you ever hope someone will reach out just to tell them to *** off? That's me when I'm angry

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, bumblebee said:

Do you ever hope someone will reach out just to tell them to *** off? That's me when I'm angry

When I was younger, maybe. 

Now? Nah. Why? I've learned it rarely goes like that. Usually the wronged party finds themselves roped back in somehow because their boundaries still aren't strong enough and they get all tangled up in their feelings again. 

This guy isn't going to care if you tell him off. He never cared enough to begin with, and if anything, he'll probably enjoy on some twisted level that he got under your skin so much. 

[lohan]

Bumblebee, I insist your life is more far worry that a selfish ex who took advantage of you. We were once there. I too, am fighting with my recent breakup(where u had suicidal thoughts) it is now a few months but I can't even understand how I could do suicide because someone left me. 

 

I took care of her, provided every thing emotionally and financially but she decided to go from reasons I don't know. I am not yet over her but believe me with time you start working on yourself and some hours of the day are as good as normal. 

 

 

There are aspects of this life we can't understand until we are in some situations.

Give yourself time to grieve, cry and cry again with someone. You are growing and growth is not always sweet.  I understand you from the bottom of my heart and will take you in prayer.

I am with you 🥺

 

 

[Hollyj]

4 hours ago, bumblebee said:

I never introduced him to my friends, no. He introduced me to some of his.

Is  this because you only saw him 4 times? 
 

do your friends and family know about this? 

[Hollyj]

4 hours ago, bumblebee said:

I have removed him everywhere, deleted his number, all the conversation history because after the awful things he said to me I couldn't re-read them any longer. This breach of trust was unforgivable and reconciliation is off the table.

This guy showed you from the beginning that you were incompatible and that he was bad news-this loser was bottom-of-barrel- yet you kept going back for more.  You Need to take the focus off of him, and put it on yourself. Please seek some professional help to understand why you would choose someone such as this.  Before he showed his colors he was not a pick: adult man living at home living with mommy and daddy and has no job. What would make you think that that could be a possible partner?

did you pay for his transportation ? 

[bumblebee]

1 hour ago, lohan said:

Bumblebee, I insist your life is more far worry that a selfish ex who took advantage of you. We were once there. I too, am fighting with my recent breakup(where u had suicidal thoughts) it is now a few months but I can't even understand how I could do suicide because someone left me. 

 

I took care of her, provided every thing emotionally and financially but she decided to go from reasons I don't know. I am not yet over her but believe me with time you start working on yourself and some hours of the day are as good as normal. 

 

 

There are aspects of this life we can't understand until we are in some situations.

Give yourself time to grieve, cry and cry again with someone. You are growing and growth is not always sweet.  I understand you from the bottom of my heart and will take you in prayer.

I am with you 🥺

 

 

I think when i started this thread i was super sad thinking how inferior i was and having a sad pity party but now all I have left for him is contempt after talking to many friends and posting here and listening to podcasts and such. 
 

So i'm done crying, not gonna waste a single tear on him anymore. 

[bumblebee]

Just now, Hollyj said:

This guy showed you from the beginning that you were incompatible and that he was bad news-this loser was bottom-of-barrel- yet you kept going back for more.  You Need to take the focus off of him, and put it on yourself. Please seek some professional help to understand why you would choose someone such as this.  Before he showed his colors he was not a pick: adult man living at home living with mommy and daddy and has no job. What would make you think that that could be a possible partner?

I think the reason why I fell for this was because he had a way with words where he could talk you into anything, glib and very socially proficient to get his needs met. I read a lot about covert narcissism and he fits that so well. He was good at talking me into a dream of us living together, working, building a life, talking that he would move here, at certain points talking about marriage even, I think because I was the three year rebound he escalated the intensity of the relationship super fast from the get go, and I fell for it.

And about your other question, my friends knew, my family didn't, but unless things get super serious i don't talk to my family about it as a principle. I didn't introduce him to my friends because when we spent time together we wanted to just be together, I was talking to a friend today about his last trip here in October and I came to the realization that he was probably texting her while he was here, and that the cheating had begun prior and suddenly all the good times we had that time got invalidated since it was all a lie. I wish I'd introduced him to my best friends, they would've bern able to read his character and make me aware. Next time I date someone I will bring friends in early.

[bumblebee]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

When I was younger, maybe. 

Now? Nah. Why? I've learned it rarely goes like that. Usually the wronged party finds themselves roped back in somehow because their boundaries still aren't strong enough and they get all tangled up in their feelings again. 

This guy isn't going to care if you tell him off. He never cared enough to begin with, and if anything, he'll probably enjoy on some twisted level that he got under your skin so much. 

That's a good point. I just feel petty. But the best idea is probably to just ignore.

[Hollyj]

2 hours ago, lohan said:

Bumblebee, I insist your life is more far worry that a selfish ex who took advantage of you. We were once there. I too, am fighting with my recent breakup(where u had suicidal thoughts) it is now a few months but I can't even understand how I could do suicide because someone left me. 

 

I took care of her, provided every thing emotionally and financially but she decided to go from reasons I don't know. I am not yet over her but believe me with time you start working on yourself and some hours of the day are as good as normal. 

 

 

There are aspects of this life we can't understand until we are in some situations.

Give yourself time to grieve, cry and cry again with someone. You are growing and growth is not always sweet.  I understand you from the bottom of my heart and will take you in prayer.

I am with you 🥺

 

 

The problem is is that he did not take advantage as he repeatedly showed her who he was, it was her choice to return for more. When you stop seeing yourself as a victim, but complicit,  you can move on.  Own your part in this that is how you learn, then you will move on to a healthier you

[bumblebee]

5 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

The problem is is that he did not take advantage as he repeatedly showed her who he was, it was her choice to return for more. When you stop seeing yourself as a victim, but complicit,  you can move on.  Own your part in this that is how you learn, then you will move on to a healthier you

I was stupid, I agree, it's hard when you're head over heels with someone sometimes, no matter how rational you are, and although I see what it was like now, I didn't at the time

[Hollyj]

54 minutes ago, bumblebee said:

I was stupid, I agree, it's hard when you're head over heels with someone sometimes, no matter how rational you are, and although I see what it was like now, I didn't at the time

Focus on you.  Get to the root of why you would accept this type of person and why you did not act on his actions.  No matter how smooth of a talker he was, he was never an appropriate partner for you, or any woman for that matter.  
 

Work on you!  

[bumblebee]

Just now, Hollyj said:

Focus on you.  Get to the toot of why you would accept this type of person and why you did not act on his actions.  No matter how smooth of a talker he was, he was never an appropriate partner for you, or any woman that matter.  
 

work on you!  

Thank you 🙂 i agree!

[Hollyj]

How would you introduce someone like this to your colleagues, family, and friends? He doesn’t have  a job and lives at home with his family.

Give yourself a long break from dating, and always look at someone as a potential lifetime partner.  Don’t ignore all of the red flags

[Rose Mosse]

40 minutes ago, bumblebee said:

I think the reason why I fell for this was because he had a way with words where he could talk you into anything, glib and very socially proficient to get his needs met. I read a lot about covert narcissism and he fits that so well. He was good at talking me into a dream of us living together, working, building a life, talking that he would move here, at certain points talking about marriage even, I think because I was the three year rebound he escalated the intensity of the relationship super fast from the get go, and I fell for it.

It's good that you realize this. I agree with staying single for awhile and give dating a break. Date locally later on, take your time getting to know someone in person, see each other in different ways, participate in different hobbies and interests together. You fell for a sweet talker and his ways. Brush yourself off, take the lessons and move forwards a little older/wiser.