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Hello,

I’m thinking of getting together with a married man. I think he’s interested as well, not sure yet. I like the idea of being able to catch him and then dump him first. Any ideas as to why I have the interest to do this type of thing? Thanks EC

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I heard in the past and believe it to be true: hurt people hurt people. I think what is starting as a way for you to feel better (or so you think)  will ultimately only hurt you more.  Any outcom

Elinora, the fact that you like the idea, and according to your post, you do not even know the person well, speaks of re-creating a pattern from your past that you haven't dealt with in your p

You have a selfish streak and little to no empathy would be my guess.  If you get pleasure from hurting others there are specific terms for that type of person... Are you looking to be talked out

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16 minutes ago, ElinoraC said:

Im thinking of getting together with a married man

 I like the idea of being able to catch him and then dump him first. 

Revenge? Scorn? Spite?  Surely you realize it's weird, no?

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2 hours ago, ElinoraC said:

Yes, but it’s not any of the above,  I don’t really know him yet

Hostility, revenge, and scorn are often generalized feelings that aren't specific to any one person. So, it doesn't matter if you know him or his wife/girlfriend yet. You may just feel like doing harm. People are like that.

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3 hours ago, ElinoraC said:

I like the idea of being able to catch him and then dump him first

Elinora,

  • the fact that you like the idea, and according to your post, you do not even know the person well, speaks of re-creating a pattern from your past that you haven't dealt with in your psyche. A traumatic experience, that still haunts you and you haven't found internal resolution for it, yet. This pushes you to re-create the same scenario and hope for a different outcome this time. This time you want to be the one who abandons and you want to be the one who inflicts hurt. I suspect in the original scenario, you were the one on the receiving end of abandonment and hurt. Was this your father, or another important male figure in your life who walked away on you? 

I can assure you that doing what you intend to do will not bring you solace and satisfaction, because this situation is internal to you and has nothing to do with this specific married man, that you do not even know so well. Look inside for answers, and unpack the trauma stuff with a psy.

  • Another plausible explanation is that stealing the man of another woman, validates you in some distorted way. You see yourself as worthy human being, if you are able to seduce a married man. Again, seducing this guy will not fix your low-self esteem, because the problem is internal, look inside you.

You did well to come here and talk about your urge. It is evident from your post that your wish to get together with a married man, bothers you, else you have not come here to ask the question on what the reason might be to want to do that. This is positive, because it shows a healthy internal struggle is occurring in you. Do not do it, you have nothing to gain from it (save the moral side of it, which I am not going to preach about).

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You have a selfish streak and little to no empathy would be my guess.  If you get pleasure from hurting others there are specific terms for that type of person...

Are you looking to be talked out of it?

Lost

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2 hours ago, East4 said:

Elinora,

  • the fact that you like the idea, and according to your post, you do not even know the person well, speaks of re-creating a pattern from your past that you haven't dealt with in your psyche. A traumatic experience, that still haunts you and you haven't found internal resolution for it, yet. This pushes you to re-create the same scenario and hope for a different outcome this time. This time you want to be the one who abandons and you want to be the one who inflicts hurt. I suspect in the original scenario, you were the one on the receiving end of abandonment and hurt. Was this your father, or another important male figure in your life who walked away on you? 

I can assure you that doing what you intend to do will not bring you solace and satisfaction, because this situation is internal to you and has nothing to do with this specific married man, that you do not even know so well. Look inside for answers, and unpack the trauma stuff with a psy.

  • Another plausible explanation is that stealing the man of another woman, validates you in some distorted way. You see yourself as worthy human being, if you are able to seduce a married man. Again, seducing this guy will not fix your low-self esteem, because the problem is internal, look inside you.

You did well to come here and talk about your urge. It is evident from your post that your wish to get together with a married man, bothers you, else you have not come here to ask the question on what the reason might be to want to do that. This is positive, because it shows a healthy internal struggle is occurring in you. Do not do it, you have nothing to gain from it (save the moral side of it, which I am not going to preach about).

Thank you everyone that has replied to me. I feel East4 has described my feelings the best so far. I’m not interested in hurting anyone, I genuinely feel attracted to the person but this idea enters my mind and I want to understand it a bit more.  I have had a hurtful and sad situation in the past and I feel overwhelmed every time I’am attracted to someone. I welcome any other thoughts and opinions. EC

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East4 has summarised this well. 
 

If you wanted to dig into longer versions of this line of thinking you could check out the Baggage Reclaim blog and/or read the book he’s scared she’s scared by Steven carter and Julia Sokol 

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2 minutes ago, 1a1a said:

East4 has summarised this well. 
 

If you wanted to dig into longer versions of this line of thinking you could check out the Baggage Reclaim blog and/or read the book he’s scared she’s scared by Steven carter and Julia Sokol 

Thank you, I will check out the blog and book too.

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42 minutes ago, ElinoraC said:

I genuinely feel attracted to the person but this idea enters my mind and I want to understand it a bit more.  I have had a hurtful and sad situation in the past

Were you cheated on? 

It sounds like you have an unrequited crush and are envious of his wife, therefore want to "punish" him for being married and unavailable to you. 

It would be best to get on some dating apps and start talking to and meeting single available men. When you are healed and ready to date in a healthy manner.

Leave coworkers alone and leave the past in the past

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You will be the one who ends up getting hurt (well, and his wife too).  You will "catch feelings" and start to want more from him.  He won't provide more and you will try again and again to get him to love you.  When you don't succeed you will feel even worse than you do right now (and you must feel bad, otherwise you wouldn't be thinking you want to "hurt" a man you hardly know).  You may become depressed and need treatment.

Instead of going down that path, how about doing some self work before you start looking to date?

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3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You will be the one who ends up getting hurt (well, and his wife too).  You will "catch feelings" and start to want more from him.  He won't provide more and you will try again and again to get him to love you.  When you don't succeed you will feel even worse than you do right now (and you must feel bad, otherwise you wouldn't be thinking you want to "hurt" a man you hardly know).  You may become depressed and need treatment.

Instead of going down that path, how about doing some self work before you start looking to date?

 

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Were you cheated on? 

It sounds like you have an unrequited crush and are envious of his wife, therefore want to "punish" him for being married and unavailable to you. 

It would be best to get on some dating apps and start talking to and meeting single available men. When you are healed and ready to date in a healthy manner.

Leave coworkers alone and leave the past in the past

No, I wasn’t cheated on, my father passed away when I was 5yrs old. It makes me feel sad.

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3 minutes ago, ElinoraC said:

I wasn’t cheated on, my father passed away when I was 5yrs old. It makes me feel sad.

A therapist to assess depression, anger, anxiety would be a much better idea than fantasies of hurting people or yourself emotionally.

Who is this stranger? 

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4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

A therapist to assess depression, anger, anxiety would be a much better idea than fantasies of hurting people or yourself emotionally.

Who is this stranger? 

It’s not a co worker, he’s a new family friend. 

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1 minute ago, ElinoraC said:

I’m always sad and I’m always crying.

So then why in the world would a man want to be with you?  Doesn't sound like a lot of fun and of course if the man is married you'd just be a side chick for fun.  Do you like the idea of making others cry from your choices -like his family for example or your mutual friends/family?

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5 minutes ago, ElinoraC said:

I’m always sad and I’m always crying.

You'll be even sadder and will cry more when this all goes bad.

Out of curiosity, who suggested having an affair?  Him or you?

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1 minute ago, ElinoraC said:

No one yet

So what kind of interactions have you two had?  Sneaking kisses during gatherings?  Meeting up in parking lots to "talk"?  Sending flirty messages or "sexting"?  Sending nudes?

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1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

So what kind of interactions have you two had?  Sneaking kisses during gatherings?  Meeting up in parking lots to "talk"?  Sending flirty messages or "sexting"?  Sending nudes?

No of the above, just dancing together during the holidays. 

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