Wife is determined to make an insane purchase

[itsallgrand]

23 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Not that they have a right, but that their work is worth a lot more than what they get in our society.

I think that's due to lack of any regulation. 

Literally anyone who can get pregnant can have the job. And short of practically killing a child, or even if you do, you can keep at the position. 

Most people are strongly opposed to any regulation on parenthood, except for adoptions, so the bad will be lumped in with the ones who do work their butts off to parent full time. 

Just my opinion. 

[dias]

1 hour ago, itsallgrand said:

For OP, I think the fact he's been supporting her for 8+ years, it's safe to say she's very comfortable being a dependent and he's comfortable being with someone who is dependent on him. Recipe for disaster and lack of respect and trust IMO. Recipe for him to be another "my wife isn't happy and is taking me to the cleaners" in the future too. And thry will both feel like they are the one who was screwed lol. 

Exactly! And after the divorce he will complain that all women are gold-diggers and she will complain that all men are controlling and manipulative. Same old, same old!

[SherrySher]

3 hours ago, dias said:

Personally I wouldn't trust a woman who does not work before she has children or when the children are old enough.

Agree, Dias.

[maritalbliss86]

4 hours ago, Jibralta said:

When I was going through my licensing exams, my boyfriend took over all of the 'women's work' around the house. I can't tell you how helpful that was to me in accomplishing my goals. I honestly think I may never have gotten my license if it hadn't been for that seemingly modest support from him. Gentle, unassuming background support that eases the mind and creates peace in the home. It is so easy to take for granted. And it made me realize how undervalued the traditional role of a woman actually is. This work has a significant value to me.

 

Right!!!  My husband has acknowledged this a lot, because he knows he wouldn't have probably been so successful financially for our family without all this quiet background work that I do for him, and that also saves us TONS of money overtime.  Money that goes into things like refinancing a gorgeous house from a 30 yr to a 15 yr... he doesn't have to think about that stuff, I do it.  Or getting it down from that 15 yr, to 11 years with paying off interest in a calculated, premeditated way, he didn't even know that was possible.

I only worked for a short bit, but honestly, I provide a lot more benefits to our family doing the stuff I do at home.  Both financially and for our kids, etc.

[dias]

51 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

Right!!!  My husband has acknowledged this a lot, because he knows he wouldn't have probably been so successful financially for our family without all this quiet background work that I do for him, and that also saves us TONS of money overtime.  Money that goes into things like refinancing a gorgeous house from a 30 yr to a 15 yr... he doesn't have to think about that stuff, I do it.  Or getting it down from that 15 yr, to 11 years with paying off interest in a calculated, premeditated way, he didn't even know that was possible.

I only worked for a short bit, but honestly, I provide a lot more benefits to our family doing the stuff I do at home.  Both financially and for our kids, etc.

Yes but you take on work from your husband by doing chores, homeschooling and raising the kids properly and handling the household finances (from what I read in your journal, you are not splurging which makes big difference compared to OP's partner - coins? really? can't think something more useless ). OP's relationship dynamic is different than yours. 

PS. because I am not into the homemaker type of woman it does not mean I am judging it. OP's relationship is not about whether women should/shouldn't be independent, it's about power struggles.

[SherrySher]

1 hour ago, maritalbliss86 said:

Right!!!  My husband has acknowledged this a lot, because he knows he wouldn't have probably been so successful financially for our family without all this quiet background work that I do for him, and that also saves us TONS of money overtime.  Money that goes into things like refinancing a gorgeous house from a 30 yr to a 15 yr... he doesn't have to think about that stuff, I do it.  Or getting it down from that 15 yr, to 11 years with paying off interest in a calculated, premeditated way, he didn't even know that was possible.

I only worked for a short bit, but honestly, I provide a lot more benefits to our family doing the stuff I do at home.  Both financially and for our kids, etc.

Yes, but without being negative,....just in a "what if" situation, Marital. How would you take care of yourself if your husband all of a sudden turned and said he no longer wants to take care of you, or say he suddenly disappears and takes everything?

I think that what my point was. Do you have any kind of security so that you're not vulnerable should he one day be gone? (I don't mean life insurance), I mean more like, you're not at his mercy if his money is suddenly cut off.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, itsallgrand said:

Honestly Jib, I was surprised to read you think mothers have a right to being financially provided for in order for them to care full time for their children.

I think once that idea changes - that women that marry and/or have children are entitled to not financially providing for themselves and their children at their discretion - is when there will be a shift in valuing domestic and unpaid childcare. 

I don't think anyone, man or woman, is entitled to being financially cared for by others. I think part of parenthood is taking on that responsibility of being financially viable to raise your kid(s) and also the childcare and domestic work. 

For OP, I think the fact he's been supporting her for 8+ years, it's safe to say she's very comfortable being a dependent and he's comfortable being with someone who is dependent on him. Recipe for disaster and lack of respect and trust IMO. Recipe for him to be another "my wife isn't happy and is taking me to the cleaners" in the future too. And thry will both feel like they are the one who was screwed lol. 

I don't think a parent who cares for a child full time is being financially cared for by the parent who works outside the home - because otherwise they'd have to pay for daycare/housekeeper perhaps, back up sitters, etc.  That's $$  -she or he is contributing by decreasing spending on child care.  I personally had my own money/was financially independent for 11 years before I married (well, longer but I don't count I guess when I still had grad school loans to pay off?) - but I do know that if we hadn't had a baby right away I'd have continued working after marriage -full time. 

I stopped working 9 days before giving birth, and about 2 months after our wedding. I had maternity leave and vacation pay for a couple of months. I started working outside the home 7.5 years later.  But because I'd worked for 15-20 years before becoming a mom it wasn't as hard for me to reenter the work force.  But I do not work full time because my husband works more than full time.  And I still have a lot of savings and make money on my investments.  This way, he can travel (pre covid), this way we don't have to hire nannies or drivers to pick him up etc and he doesn't have to go to after school every day.  When he is older I will consider working full time again but I also will be in my late 50s so I might, instead, do additional volunteer work rather than taking on a full time role.  But if we needed the $ financially I would be pounding the pavement to work full time, for sure.  

[maritalbliss86]

4 hours ago, SherrySher said:

Yes, but without being negative,....just in a "what if" situation, Marital. How would you take care of yourself if your husband all of a sudden turned and said he no longer wants to take care of you, or say he suddenly disappears and takes everything?

I think that what my point was. Do you have any kind of security so that you're not vulnerable should he one day be gone? (I don't mean life insurance), I mean more like, you're not at his mercy if his money is suddenly cut off.

I guess none of that bothers me because it's not really realistic for our situation.  He's not going to just run off and if does, I'll hunt him down (JK! LOL).  We view, "his," money as, "our," money and I'm the one who does all the financial things and makes all the big decisions (of course checking if he's ok and on board or wants to do something different), but we view it more equal than that.  

[Seraphim]

39 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

I guess none of that bothers me because it's not really realistic for our situation.  He's not going to just run off and if does, I'll hunt him down (JK! LOL).  We view, "his," money as, "our," money and I'm the one who does all the financial things and makes all the big decisions (of course checking if he's ok and on board or wants to do something different), but we view it more equal than that.  

Same. I handle all the money. And all money is equally ours. 

[Wiseman2]

What if she wants the money to meet her lover in Tahiti?

Maybe she's going to a Bitcoin investor's conference?

Maybe she needs a down payment on an apt.

It seems like you think her purchase is stupid. Maybe it is. Maybe it's simply one of those "as seen on tv" type things.

Maybe she wanted to buy you those titanium clubs or Swiss watch for Valentine's day and she made up this crazy story? 

Anyway. This is a symptom of problems more so than a problem in itself or a debate on the SAHM vs working mother.

 

[boltnrun]

This discussion is fascinating but the OP doesn't seem to be a participant.

[Batya33]

29 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

This discussion is fascinating but the OP doesn't seem to be a participant.

I was thinking the same thing but when Jibralta posted as she did -meaning eloquently, heartfelt, I wanted to respond.

[Batya33]

14 hours ago, maritalbliss86 said:

I guess none of that bothers me because it's not really realistic for our situation.  He's not going to just run off and if does, I'll hunt him down (JK! LOL).  We view, "his," money as, "our," money and I'm the one who does all the financial things and makes all the big decisions (of course checking if he's ok and on board or wants to do something different), but we view it more equal than that.  

I remember when I was quite young -meaning too young to be thinking of marriage my mother commented that she thought it was good for a married couple to have a joint account and separate accounts.  I like that, too.  (At the time I think she was working part time or full time but was home for years with my sister and me).

[catfeeder]

Why not open two discretionary spending accounts, His and Hers?

Then pay wife an agreed salary for her home keeping and child care based on the standard rates for these services for your location.

From there, each of you can contribute an agreed percentage of your salaries to the joint account to cover shared expenses and investments, while the remainder goes into your respective discretionary accounts.

Then, whoever wants to buy whatever is a private matter with no need for approval.

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

pay wife an agreed salary for her home keeping and child care based on the standard rates for these services for your location.

All of his assets are shared, not just extremely low wages for menial housework/childcare.

They are married. As such it's a legal and financial contract that everything is both of theirs, not she gets some allowance based on nonviable minimum wages for domestic help.

Yikes, treating a spouse like domestic help? How insulting to both of them. 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Why not open two discretionary spending accounts, His and Hers?

Then pay wife an agreed salary for her home keeping and child care based on the standard rates for these services for your location.

From there, each of you can contribute an agreed percentage of your salaries to the joint account to cover shared expenses and investments, while the remainder goes into your respective discretionary accounts.

Then, whoever wants to buy whatever is a private matter with no need for approval.

I prefer the checking in with each other for anything above a certain dollar limit - and they decide what that dollar limit is.  Might be $1,000 or $100 or whatever.

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

All of his assets are shared, not just extremely low wages for menial housework/childcare.

They are married. As such it's a legal and financial contract that everything is both of theirs, not she gets some allowance based on nonviable minimum wages for domestic help.

Yikes, treating a spouse like domestic help? How insulting to both of them. 

If you believe that you can hire a cook, cleaning service and child care for minimum wage, good luck with that.

Shared assets are not the issue. Two adult earners managing their own spending money is a realistic outcome.

 

[maritalbliss86]

I think they tried totaling what a stay at home mom would make for all the jobs she does, and I believe it was calculated somewhere around $150,000.  Most husbands wouldn't be able to, "pay," their wives that amount though, or it'd be a significant portion of their own salary in effort to pay her for her services.  It just wouldn't work.

It's better to look at it as though she's saving him that much money by doing it all herself, and then agree on some kind of allowance for both of them to use at their discretion.  

In many cases, it really just makes better financial sense to have one spouse at home doing all of that work, rather than outsourcing it and paying for that kind of quality care.

[maritalbliss86]

Oh look, it went up higher for inflation lol...

https://www.investopedia.com/financial-edge/0112/how-much-is-a-homemaker-worth.aspx#:~:text=According to 2019 data from,median annual salary of %24178%2C201.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

Shared assets are not the issue.

Ask an attorney about that. 😂

[catfeeder]

58 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ask an attorney about that. 😂

If you believe that there's something 'wrong' with partners negotiating to break out and manage separate monies within their own marriage, then it would be wrong for you. That doesn't make it a bad idea for anyone else. 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

If you believe that there's something 'wrong' with partners negotiating to break out and manage separate monies within their own marriage

Correct. It's weird to offer an equal partner a salary like an employee or allowance like a child.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, maritalbliss86 said:

Oh look, it went up higher for inflation lol...

https://www.investopedia.com/financial-edge/0112/how-much-is-a-homemaker-worth.aspx#:~:text=According to 2019 data from,median annual salary of %24178%2C201.

Lolll. I want hazard pay for the pandemic (although I haven’t figured out whether the no cleaning service and no hair salon and no travel is a savings given the premium I paid for um toilet paper and wipes for a couple of months - and random food items I had to have that were on random shortages )

[catfeeder]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Correct. It's weird to offer an equal partner a salary like an employee or allowance like a child.

Two adults are perfectly capable of negotiating that between themselves. 

I can't think of any support staff of a salesperson or lawyer or whatever who works for free.

So why wouldn't a stay at home support person of an outside earner negotiate his or her own payment for that work?

Then there'd be no squabbles over how either person wants to spend their own money.

[Cherylyn]

If your wife wants to work, let her work.  She'll find out how hard it is to earn a dollar and have her spend it for the coins.  See how long this lasts.  Sooner or later, your wife will realize how exhausting it is to work just to pay for a few coins.  She will realize that staying home is in some ways, easier!

Fortunately, I work from home as does my husband.  We have expensive tastes.  However, the house was paid off long ago, we don't spend money dining out, take out meals, entertainment, flights nor vacations.  I don't buy myself anything such as clothes, shoes and the like.  However, I do enjoy owning a few fine pieces of jewelry and several designer handbags!  My husband likes his new V8 car.  Other than that, we really don't splurge on anything else.  To each his or her own.