Wife is determined to make an insane purchase

[Forum_poster_39]

I make a very good income as a software engineer while my wife takes care of our 1 year old daughter. We have a shared bank account and my wife can spend as she pleases but she will ask me if she wants to spend a lot of money on something.

The other night she asked permission  buy 2 commemorative coins (I don’t know much about them) for $2,000 each. I don’t consider myself cheap and am happy to buy expensive things but I can’t abide something so frivolous. Supposedly they increase in value over time but of course I told her absolutely not. She said ok but it’s been obvious since then that this upset her.

Yesterday she told me she is looking for a job she can do at night after she puts our daughter to sleep so she can pay for these coins herself. I love my wife and she’s free to do what she wants but this whole thing is just ridiculous to me and is making me very uncomfortable at home, and on her end she is treating me rather coldly. 

In a way I respect the fact that she is trying to earn these coins for herself and respecting my decision and I realize people often have idiosyncratic passions and obsessions. I’m also somewhat optimistic this episode will pass given the logistical constraints of her getting a job given our daughter and COVID. Nevertheless I am stressed and cannot stop thinking about this. Has anyone had a similar experience with a loved one?

 

 
 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

It depends on your country/jurisdiction, but if you are legally married you are a legal and financial unit. That means all your assets belong to each other legally.

It's bizarre she has to ask to use money that is legally hers 

You simply think it's a stupid thing to buy. Ok, but legally she should know she doesn't need your approval or permission, so it's just a courtesy to you to run this by you.

Do you ask her permission to make purchases? 

[Forum_poster_39]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It depends on your country/jurisdiction, but if you are legally married you are a legal and financial unit. That means all your assets belong to each other legally.

It's bizarre she has to ask to use money that is legally hers 

You simply think it's a stupid thing to buy. Ok, but legally she should know she doesn't need your approval or permission, so it's just a courtesy to you to run this by you.

Do you ask her permission to make purchases? 

Yes, I’m aware she’s legally entitled to spend how she wants and that asking me first is an optional courtesy. No I do not ask her permission before making purchases. Given that I have (happily) supported her for the past 8 years I think the expectation that she run *large* purchases by me reasonable. Anyway if she had just went ahead and bought them I would still be posting this, the title would just be changed to Help, My Wife Spent $4k On 2 Coins

[gamon]

It's an investment, like buying gold or bitcoin.

If the money's there I'm not seeing a problem with it and I don't see it as being insane.

Heck a gold bracelet with diamonds could easily cost twice that much. Do you buy her expensive jewelry?

[Batya33]

Of course couples discuss that price point over which they will consult with each other before spending.  I too think it's a ridiculous purchase.  Would she be willing to meet with a financial advisor or counselor with you -an objective third party- who can explain what a financial risk this is? And sure if you were going to purchase expensive jewelry and she wants this instead well ok.  My concern is she's being taken in by some sort of scam so I'd look into that too.  And certainly you're entitled to tell her no she cannot work outside the home off site right now given covid risks.  My husband and I discussed his work plans as far as virtual/onsite as a family. Also are you sure your baby sleeps through the night? What will happen if the baby is ill or not sleeping -do you have time to care for your daughter or do you have work to do -are you ok with a level of sleep deprivation given your workload? 

[Lambert]

Sometimes the thing you argue about is not the thing you're arguing about.

To simply state no. it's an insane purchase. Sounds rather like a parent than a partner.

You say that you supported her for 8 years. Is she not supporting you? I assume your house is clean, your food is bought and cooked, your clothes are clean, your child is cared for, your errands are run, etc...  . All making it possible for you make your living.  How much would it cost you to do these things, in either time or money? 

Until you show that you value her contributions to your lifestyle as much as you value your own,  this will continue to happen. 

A better approach than a flat out no you're insane... is to ask open ended questions that impact you both.  "How will this purchase impact the rest of OUR household budget?" 

"what benefits do you think we'll get from this? "

I also assume you love this woman. So maybe some more delicate handling of her feelings is needed.

 

[Seraphim]

If I was her I would get a job. Your daughter is entirely old enough for daycare. 

[Seraphim]

1 minute ago, Lambert said:

Sometimes the thing you argue about is not the thing you're arguing about.

To simply state no. it's an insane purchase. Sounds rather like a parent than a partner.

You say that you supported her for 8 years. Is she not supporting you? I assume your house is clean, your food is bought and cooked, your clothes are clean, your child is cared for, your errands are run, etc...  . All making it possible for you make your living.  How much would it cost you to do these things, in either time or money? 

Until you show that you value her contributions to your lifestyle as much as you value your own,  this will continue to happen. 

A better approach than a flat out no you're insane... is to ask open ended questions that impact you both.  "How will this purchase impact the rest of OUR household budget?" 

"what benefits do you think we'll get from this? "

I also assume you love this woman. So maybe some more delicate handling of her feelings is needed.

 

I agree she is supporting YOUR career as well. She is not a child. She is a partner. 

[Batya33]

19 minutes ago, Lambert said:

Sometimes the thing you argue about is not the thing you're arguing about.

To simply state no. it's an insane purchase. Sounds rather like a parent than a partner.

You say that you supported her for 8 years. Is she not supporting you? I assume your house is clean, your food is bought and cooked, your clothes are clean, your child is cared for, your errands are run, etc...  . All making it possible for you make your living.  How much would it cost you to do these things, in either time or money? 

Until you show that you value her contributions to your lifestyle as much as you value your own,  this will continue to happen. 

A better approach than a flat out no you're insane... is to ask open ended questions that impact you both.  "How will this purchase impact the rest of OUR household budget?" 

"what benefits do you think we'll get from this? "

I also assume you love this woman. So maybe some more delicate handling of her feelings is needed.

 

So  I totally agree with this - but whether or not couples are working for money or working at being a full time parent or whatever it's a good idea to discuss that price point where you check in with each other before purchasing from your joint savings.  Certainly if one parent is taking care of a child/children full time that parent is a partner, that person is contributing to the household income.  I think daycare is inadvisable right now unless there are vaccines -parents who have to -of course! - but if not I would avoid daycare right now unless infection rates are really low (they are high where I am).  I was home for 7 year full time and the difference was I contributed financially from my nest egg which I'd amassed specifically so I could be home and still contribute to family income. 

But my husband was very clear that he understood why I wanted to contribute $ but that it was absolutely not necessary, that my being home full time was equal to his contribution, that if I wanted to spend $ on a house cleaner and/or babysitter and or anything to make my job easier -please to go for it.  We wanted to avoid daycare for personal reasons.  And we did.  

So - yes you get a say OP but yes in a gentler way and I really again suggest consulting a third party.  I've heard of these commemorative coins and fear it might not be totally on the up and up.  I personally like Clark Howard's web site for checking this kind of thing out.  

[Wiseman2]

53 minutes ago, Forum_poster_39 said:

Yes, I’m aware she’s legally entitled to spend how she wants and that asking me first is an optional courtesy. 

Excellent. Next time you want golf clubs or something she thinks "is insane", ask her permission first. What is she makes a fortune on these coins? Would that be your money?

[SooSad33]

1) I agree, you support $ wise.  She supports in the home.

2) I also wonder, why she feels so determined to get these coins? To the point of working at night?  You have a little one who sleeps then, but what about the daytime?  How is the wife going to take care of the child, if she is sleeping?

3) Is she overly 'needy'?  Does she seems to not spend wisely?  Or just 'want a lot'.. of everything/anything? - If so, there could be an underlying issue going on.

I find it interesting that she suddenly just 'wants' these.  Not like she is collecting coins- just out of nowhere?

As mentioned, the value's etc of things like coins.. but yes, it is a lot spent- but I guess this is how something like this is- costly.

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

1) I agree, you support $ wise.  She supports in the home.

2) I also wonder, why she feels so determined to get these coins? To the point of working at night?  You have a little one who sleeps then, but what about the daytime?  How is the wife going to take care of the child, if she is sleeping?

3) Is she overly 'needy'?  Does she seems to not spend wisely?  Or just 'want a lot'.. of everything/anything? - If so, there could be an underlying issue going on.

I find it interesting that she suddenly just 'wants' these.  Not like she is collecting coins- just out of nowhere?

As mentioned, the value's etc of things like coins.. but yes, it is a lot spent- but I guess this is how something like this is- costly.

She is supporting $ wise -to the hilt. If she was not home they'd be paying for daycare and likely extra for housekeeping plus for back up baby sitters if the child isn't in daycare due to illness (or the parent has to stay home from work).  

I agree with the rest - OP be curious not furious.

[tattoobunnie]

If she was an avid coin collector, cool. But a random purchase like this, makes me think someone is selling her a bag of beans.  If she is the type to think there is such a thing as a free lunch, then I would stick to my guns, and ask her what the market would be for them in 10 years, 20 years - are they for your kid in the future?

And if she wants to work, let her, probably really good for her to interact with someone other than your kid. I find fixation like this is tied to being super depressed.

I have seen and supported my hubs through 3 completely different businesses - all of which weave around - I'm the "breadwinner" and have been through our marriage. So, I get it.  Especially after he buys a bunch of things for one company.  He tried to convince me a month ago for him to buy a Class A Truck, so he could keep it in a lot, so he could get a commercial insurance policy - I had to reason with him to a "no"

Find out why she wants these coins other than the possibility of potential growth in value.  Then relate it to how much that same amount with be if kept in a 401K, or 529 for your kid.  Just this year, I've made 30% in the market. Same with the 529 for my kids.  

But if she's a professional coin collector, they okay, let her do some side work to get them.  And you can put your kid to bed.

[Rose Mosse]

Oh yes, I used to. I was in your position once in a previous life. 

Keep the resentments low as that will undermine your marriage and eventually totally destroy it. You think she's being ridiculous and that's resentment. Whatever you can do to keep this emotion in check, do it. If it means being a bit more humble and taking a good look at the way you spend money yourself, that's a start. 

Both of you may ultimately have different goals set out in life but you both haven't talked about these yet. Ideas about retirement? Semi-retirement? Where do you see yourselves? 

She's offered to take a job to pay for her interests and this is a plus. Support that idea and ensure that she's achieving what she needs to make herself happy aside from nurturing the family. She has an identity and a personality. Just like you. 

Whatever you do, don't let the resentments get the better of both of you and maintain a healthy respect for your interests. If you have differing interests and priorities long term, address them. Good luck. 

[itsallgrand]

The bigger question is why have you been financially supporting her for 8 years? It sounds like an unequal dynamic that is more like parent and child, rather than equals. I mean, you can't expect someone who doesn't pay for her true costs of life to have a balanced view of spending. 

I laughed that she'd say she'd get a job to buy the coins. As though that money shouldn't go to costs of living, like money she makes would be play money for her. 

She's spoiled and throwing a tantrum. But you enabled it to get like this. 

 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

If she was an avid coin collector, cool. But a random purchase like this, makes me think someone is selling her a bag of beans.  If she is the type to think there is such a thing as a free lunch, then I would stick to my guns, and ask her what the market would be for them in 10 years, 20 years - are they for your kid in the future?

And if she wants to work, let her, probably really good for her to interact with someone other than your kid. I find fixation like this is tied to being super depressed.

I have seen and supported my hubs through 3 completely different businesses - all of which weave around - I'm the "breadwinner" and have been through our marriage. So, I get it.  Especially after he buys a bunch of things for one company.  He tried to convince me a month ago for him to buy a Class A Truck, so he could keep it in a lot, so he could get a commercial insurance policy - I had to reason with him to a "no"

Find out why she wants these coins other than the possibility of potential growth in value.  Then relate it to how much that same amount with be if kept in a 401K, or 529 for your kid.  Just this year, I've made 30% in the market. Same with the 529 for my kids.  

But if she's a professional coin collector, they okay, let her do some side work to get them.  And you can put your kid to bed.

If she is only interacting with her child that’s a huge issue unless it’s covid related.   When I was a full time mom I interacted with lots of adults almost every day.  Not just other moms.  I wasn’t depressed.  The opposite.  I was working hard and constantly on the go with my child and mostly enjoyed every minute of it despite the go go go full time plus work I did. And when I went back to a job that paid a salary I realized I missed that kind of work.  But not because I was depressed or unfulfilled.  If she is not enjoying her work and job and role as a full time parent she should change it up for sure.  And if this desire to get into coin collecting is a symptom of that it might be a good starting point for that conversation. 

[Seraphim]

I will agree it is important for mothers to work. It does bring a level of social interaction too. I found the isolation difficult as none of my friends had kids and didn’t care to hang out with a screaming baby. ( my son screamed incessantly) and I didn’t want ANY sitters but my mom to care for him and she wasn’t going to do it all the time. 
 

Work was actually time to myself. 

[reinventmyself]

8 hours ago, Forum_poster_39 said:

Yes, I’m aware she’s legally entitled to spend how she wants and that asking me first is an optional courtesy. No I do not ask her permission before making purchases. Given that I have (happily) supported her for the past 8 years I think the expectation that she run *large* purchases by me reasonable. Anyway if she had just went ahead and bought them I would still be posting this, the title would just be changed to Help, My Wife Spent $4k On 2 Coins

I have been your wife and I might have an idea what's going on.  I am divorced, by the way.  

In marriage counseling there is a term " the one that holds the money holds the power"  

You shared with us how you've supported her for all this time and though she needs to run things past you, but yet you are held by a different standard.   The message, whether direct or implied is basically, the money is yours and she should be grateful for all you do.  It's a mixed bag because being able to afford to stay at home with child is great. But I am going to bet that this isn't about the coins, but about her loss of autonomy and feeling powerless.  

Case in point.  My ex brought home a brand new ski boat one day.  There was no prior conversation about it.  Mind you, though he brought the paycheck, I paid the bills and there wasn't room in the monthly budget for the payment. I had to figure out how to afford it, on his income.  

But the message was clear.  It was his money to do as he chooses and I am in a one down position and should be grateful that he supports me.   His view is that this arrangement was the exchange for all the support he provides.. . we were partners and this was entirely fair.   

I posed the question  "so if this is fair, how would you feel if you came home tomorrow and you found a new  car on the driveway?"  He stumbled with his response.

Because no matter how you dress it up, it's inequitable.   I don't have the perfect answer for you.  If I did, I'd still be married.  Don't get me wrong, I was very fortunate that I was able to stay home with my kids for the first 13 years.  But ultimately it cost me alot too.

It might be helpful to understand how she feels.  Imagine tomorrow you gave up a job that defines you and felt you were a child having to ask your partner permission to buy something.

[browneyedgirl36]

6 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

1) I agree, you support $ wise.  She supports in the home.

2) I also wonder, why she feels so determined to get these coins? To the point of working at night?  You have a little one who sleeps then, but what about the daytime?  How is the wife going to take care of the child, if she is sleeping?

3) Is she overly 'needy'?  Does she seems to not spend wisely?  Or just 'want a lot'.. of everything/anything? - If so, there could be an underlying issue going on.

I find it interesting that she suddenly just 'wants' these.  Not like she is collecting coins- just out of nowhere?

As mentioned, the value's etc of things like coins.. but yes, it is a lot spent- but I guess this is how something like this is- costly.

I was wondering about most of this, too, especially #2 -- why coins? And what's so important about these, specifically? If she has never collected coins previously/doesn't own any others, it does seem odd.  Is there something special about them? Is it perhaps something else? (Maybe it's a way for her to feel like she has something that is "hers"?  I don't know.

While we all have different things we think are worth spending money on (I own a lot of shoes, for example, including price ones, while my husband likes to spend money on comic books, stereo equipment, etc.) but...some things, like commemorative coins, are SO niche and specific that they could be a risky purchase.  (Personally, I would never in a million years spend $2K on a commemorative coin, let alone $4K on two, so I can relate to the OP on this.)  One of the other posters (Batya33, I think) mentioned being concerned about the wife being scammed, and that would be a concern of mine as well, and I can see why the OP would be wary of his wife just deciding that she wants these coins so badly that she's willing to get a night job (!) to get them?  I don't know...

To the OP:  Is it possible that your wife is depressed? Has she seemed unhappy lately?  When I'm stressed or feeling down, I might do a bit of shopping -- a pair of shoes, some makeup -- MAYBE to the tune of a couple hundred dollars, but $4K on coins, out of nowhere, seems odd to me.  

 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Seraphim said:

I will agree it is important for mothers to work. It does bring a level of social interaction too. I found the isolation difficult as none of my friends had kids and didn’t care to hang out with a screaming baby. ( my son screamed incessantly) and I didn’t want ANY sitters but my mom to care for him and she wasn’t going to do it all the time. 
 

Work was actually time to myself. 

I didn't work outside the home the first 7 years.  I was never isolated other than temporarily when weather was awful and/or he was sick -he had one cold and two fevers before he went to preschool at age 3.  I didn't have a huge group of mom friends but we were always out and about when it wasn't nap time -park, museum playroom ,story time at the library, running errands.  I interacted with lots of people, with my husband, by phone with friends and family from home.  No family to help, no sitters (didn't want).  Had I felt isolated or lacking in social interaction I wouldn't have enjoyed it as much.  I didn't stay in one place much or "at home."  I think it's important for mothers to work outside the home if they didn't choose to be the full time parent, they're not feeling fulfilled from it, or if they find it isolating.  Definitely not a one size fits all.  

[reinventmyself]

Why isn't he expected to run discretionary expenses past her? Because he views the money as his.

The message a woman gets is, her life has less value if she isn't afforded  equal say.

So, suddenly the gift of staying home and being supported doesn't feels so great.  You are set up to feel indebted. You didn't realize all that you were giving up in exchange until it's too late.

[waffle]

I see both sides of it, as I think partners should always check with the other regarding large purchases and I would feel this way whether both partners were working or just one.  And not in an "asking for permission" type of thing; I think it's just a common courtesy since legally any household money does belong to both partners.

[Jibralta]

11 hours ago, Lambert said:

You say that you supported her for 8 years. Is she not supporting you? I assume your house is clean, your food is bought and cooked, your clothes are clean, your child is cared for, your errands are run, etc...  . All making it possible for you make your living.  How much would it cost you to do these things, in either time or money? 

Until you show that you value her contributions to your lifestyle as much as you value your own,  this will continue to happen. 

Mmm Hmmm.

[smackie9]

Unless it's Bitcoins she's wasting her money. Those commemorative coins really don't hold any resale value. Tell her if she wants to invest in something, invest in real estate.

[Wiseman2]

💣 📺🙃.

Feel like I just watched some B&W 1950s sitcom.