Is my girlfriend cheating?

[Roffeman]

Hi there,

I´m debating a little bit with a girl that I´m seeing, whether it´s strange that I get very suspicious about what´s going on between her and one guy.

Would you say there´s reason to be suspicious based on the below points, or from a girls point of view, this is normal behaviour (I highly doubt that)?

1. She´s been getting together with this guy for a long time on short meetings to share some weed.
2. She very frequently go out on a smoke break alone with this guy
3. She´s sharing more personal details with this guy than both with me and her closest girl friends
4. She´s been lying about her relationship with this guy since we started dating. Her story was that they only go on smoke breaks and never ever met outside of work.
5. She lied about not knowing his surname, while she text with him regularly at work, and went to meet him outside of work to smoke weed only 2 days before I asked what the name of this “Daniel” is, she pretended not knowing his surname. His full name “First + Surname” is saved both in the work chat, her phone book, whatsapp where they chat.
6. She put heart + a comment on a facebook profile photo – Something she would never do on a “casual colleague” and lied about it, that it´s common that she does that, while she cannot provide a single other example.
7. She went to see him outside of work while we have been dating on at least 2 occasions, and lied about both times.
8. She tend to reach out to this guy when we´re having issues, in fact the two meetings I know about are after we´ve been fighting
9. She deleted all communication with this guy on Whatsapp and Facebook messenger, and blame it on the fact that it´s deleted because they arrange meetings to smoke weed… while other conversations with other people about weed was not deleted.

In addition to the above example which has been going on since we started dating, she´s also been lying massively about her relationship with her ex husband which she´s still living with.

She´s also been lying about the guy she dated briefly before started seeing me, which she also was in contact with throughout the first month we were dating while hiding it AND going through all his photos on Instagram and chose to like 8 of them – Her reason here is to get his attention to be able to reject his sexual invitation, which I am 100% sure is a lie of course.

When talking with a friend about me being jealous about the main guy in this story, they both laughed about the fact that I got suspicious.

Please comment on if you think I´m jealous without a good reason? Also what you would recommend me doing? 

[maritalbliss86]

I think your gut feeling is right.  She's cheating... whether it's just emotional or physical, it's still not good.

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, Roffeman said:

share some weed.
go out on a smoke break .go on smoke breaks .went to meet him outside of work to smoke weed.  they arrange meetings to smoke weed. her ex husband which she´s still living with.

How long have you been dating? Have you been to her home? It seems like she's cheating on her husband with you.

End it. She smokes too much weed and worst of all...lives with her husband.

[DancingFool]

I mean she is lying about every single relationship she has AND she is living with her husband....or ex... That right there is enough to run away from her like your privates are on fire. Whether she is actually cheating or not is almost irrelevant given everything else going on with her.

Why are you wasting your time and trying to fight all this? There are literally millions of other women out there that would be a better choice to date. Like you could walk down the street, throw a pebble and hit a better option. Raise your standards is my advice to you.

[Hollyj]

I would have been out after the lying bit.  That should also be a dealbreaker for you. 

[Roffeman]

Thank you for your comments. 

I know she´s not cheating to her husband with me due to several reasons - He knows about me and I have spoken to him myself, so that´s not it, even though she´s been lying about pretty much everything during 5 months we met. I have also known about her living situation from the beginning, in fact that may be one of very few things she´s been honest about... I have also been to her home. 

You are both of course spot on in your recommended action, but I find this situation interesting for a number of reasons. I´ve never been in a similar situation and want to learn from it to help me get to know myself a bit better. 

I´ve also never met a person like this before in my 36 year old life. The number of lies, secrets and creativity when it comes to excuses is impressive, even though I don´t believe many of them 🙂

 

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Roffeman said:

she´s been lying about pretty much everything during 5 months we met.

Sorry this is happening, however you have to decide if the headaches and heartaches are worth it.

[gamon]

22 minutes ago, Roffeman said:

You are both of course spot on in your recommended action, but I find this situation interesting for a number of reasons. I´ve never been in a similar situation and want to learn from it to help me get to know myself a bit better.

It's like a science experiment!

[DancingFool]

The best and most convincing lies are the ones with the grains of verifiable truth thrown in. It's the ultimate mind fck as some of it is true, some isn't and you quickly go down a rabbit hole where you no longer know what's black and white or which way is up or down.

Anyway, this situation is a bit like telling a person not to stick their hand in the fire. Most people will feel the heat and intuitively realize the danger and pull away. Some people are drawn to it in a self destructive kind of way and no amount of convincing or reasoning will stop them. They need to get burned to learn...and sometimes more than once.

Usually, when people get involved in these kinds of situations and get invested into figuring out and fixing the other person, they are avoiding dealing with some issues of their own..... Food for thought for you. What's drawing you to the flame?

[Roffeman]

4 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

Usually, when people get involved in these kinds of situations and get invested into figuring out and fixing the other person, they are avoiding dealing with some issues of their own..... Food for thought for you. What's drawing you to the flame?

You are right, but we´re way beyond trying to fix her issues... I realized a couple of weeks back that I won´t be able to do that (That should also not be something to try to achieve, only herself can solve such deep mental issues), she´s not receptive to listen and I strongly believe I´ve found myself a fine specimen of a sociopath. She shows no remorse, shame or regrets... She also completely lack empathy, it´s very clear. 

I would and might even currently, agreeing with you on the self destructive comment... At least that was clearly the situation very recently. 

At this point, I´m in it for my own sheer amusement on a more physical level, and I have withdrawn myself from an deeper emotional connection... That took longer than it should have and it was for sure not easy as there are many other things that have been great of course, as well as hope tend to stick longer than it often should. 

 

[DancingFool]

3 minutes ago, Roffeman said:

You are right, but we´re way beyond trying to fix her issues... I realized a couple of weeks back that I won´t be able to do that (That should also not be something to try to achieve, only herself can solve such deep mental issues), she´s not receptive to listen and I strongly believe I´ve found myself a fine specimen of a sociopath. She shows no remorse, shame or regrets... She also completely lack empathy, it´s very clear. 

I would and might even currently, agreeing with you on the self destructive comment... At least that was clearly the situation very recently. 

At this point, I´m in it for my own sheer amusement on a more physical level, and I have withdrawn myself from an deeper emotional connection... That took longer than it should have and it was for sure not easy as there are many other things that have been great of course, as well as hope tend to stick longer than it often should. 

 

The thing with sociopaths is that while you may think you are in control of the situation, you never actually are and they will not only use you and manipulate you, they will also damage you in the end.

Bottom line is that while you are wasting your time on her, you are denying yourself a chance at a healthy relationship with someone else and you are no longer 20 where you can waste a couple of years on a "joke".

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Roffeman said:

 I´m in it for my own sheer amusement on a more physical level, and I have withdrawn myself from an deeper emotional connection.

Ok, be clear that it's hookups/FWB. That way why worry whatever else she does? Who cares who she smokes weed with or lives with if it's just "physical amusement"? It's not "cheating", if it's been demoted to hookups, no?

[Hollyj]

4 hours ago, Roffeman said:

Thank you for your comments. 

I know she´s not cheating to her husband with me due to several reasons - He knows about me and I have spoken to him myself, so that´s not it, even though she´s been lying about pretty much everything during 5 months we met. I have also known about her living situation from the beginning, in fact that may be one of very few things she´s been honest about... I have also been to her home. 

You are both of course spot on in your recommended action, but I find this situation interesting for a number of reasons. I´ve never been in a similar situation and want to learn from it to help me get to know myself a bit better. 

I´ve also never met a person like this before in my 36 year old life. The number of lies, secrets and creativity when it comes to excuses is impressive, even though I don´t believe many of them 🙂

 

Good grief, it sounds like you like a lot of drama in your life.  Why did you even ask for advice?

[SooSad33]

5 hours ago, Roffeman said:

In addition to the above example which has been going on since we started dating, she´s also been lying massively about her relationship with her ex husband which she´s still living with.

She´s also been lying about the guy she dated briefly before started seeing me, which she also was in contact with throughout the first month we were dating while hiding it

Other than this dude she hangs with an smokes up with, Not sure I see too many other red flags... OTHER than this.

And that she 'lies' so much.

Well yeah, this all affects a relationship in a negative.

Not sure how long you've been involved or how long you have known her.. but... What do I suggest?

You walk away.. and form of 'mistrust' causes issue's in the relationship.  Be done with it all.

[boltnrun]

So she's not your girlfriend, she's a woman you sometimes have (apparently) banging sex with. So who cares if she lies? What she does when she's not having sex with you is her business. As long as you wear condoms every time. You wouldn't want to have to play the Jerry Springer "Who's the father?" game...right? 

[Deedp]

Why deal with a known liar? You don't want relationship advice, you want someone to cosign your bs and I won't do it. Save yourself some time, heartache and possible std infection and leave ole girl alone, like asap! Like " I aint ***ing you, I got a million trillion things I'd rather ***in' do...GL

[reinventmyself]

I don't know.  I just get a bad vibe with the detailed list of slights, and lies and the reconnaissance mission it would have taken to get all that information to document for us.

In my personal experience, people who dig for things to this degree are looking for something to justify their insecurities.

When you go as far as to diagnose and label her, yet still remain in the game for entertainment,  you once again put the spot light back on yourself (at least to me) 

You have heard the analogy "we are as healthy as the company we keep" right?

If she is such a bad person, why are you still with her and what do you get out of this?