I'm tired of going back and forth to his place.

[Summer2424]

I've been dating my boyfriend over 10 months now, he lives 2 hours away. I live at home right now so I'm the one visiting him. Due to covid, I've spent more time there working from his place and staying weeks at a time sometimes and going back and forth home. He's working in the office so it's worked. 

But due to a lot of job stress for me and some health issues that have caused dizziness, driving has gotten harder. It's not just the driving, it's also living out of a suitcase practically and never really feeling settled. 

I still really want to see him but it's getting harder the driving and back and forth being on me. We've talked about relocating closer together but even if we live close by, I feel like it'll feel almost the same with going back and forth. He has a pet so I  think if I were to get my own place, I'd still be the one going back and forth? I love him, spending time with him, and sleeping in the same bed when we can. He's talked about signing another lease though and that would mean we'd be doing the back and forth for another year and a half or more. 

I never thought I'd be in a rush to move in but how do people handle the back and forth to their partner's places? I hate packing, I always forget something, and just never feel settled... not sure how long I can do it. Not sure what the answer is but it's harder than I thought. I've never done this before either in a relationship so didn't realize the stress it would cause. 

How long did it take you to move in together? When did you start discussing it in your relationship? What helps you when you go back and forth to a partners place? Am I the only one that feels unsettled doing that? 

If you live near your partner, how often do you see each other? What's your typical schedule like? Date nights or stay in?

Thanks all!

[Jibralta]

5 hours ago, Summer2424 said:

Am I the only one that feels unsettled doing that?

No. I think it's a matter of personal preference--and also a matter of age. When I was in my 20s and early 30s, going back and forth wasn't a big deal. It was still sort of novel. 

But two hours is a long time.... I think an hour is the longest I ever travelled. I don't know if I could have ever handled a two-hour commute, to be honest.

When I hit my mid-30s, my patience for long distance got a lot lower. I didn't appreciate the disruption that weekend visits caused in my routine, or time that I lost to the commute back and forth. Even a 35-minute commute felt like a huge time sink.

How old are you?

5 hours ago, Summer2424 said:

How long did it take you to move in together? When did you start discussing it in your relationship? What helps you when you go back and forth to a partners place?

Well, what are you looking for in this relationship--are you both on the same page with your long term goals? Do they include each other? Do you have a timeline?

I think part of the problem, at least on his end, might be that he has a pet. You didn't say what kind of pet it is, though, and that makes a difference. Can he bring his pet to stay with you while he is visiting? Or do you not enjoy the pet? Do you envision a pet-free future with him? That could be a deal breaker.

For the time being, it would probably help you to minimize what you are carrying back and forth. Leave things at his apartment, like pajamas, your toothbrush, some toiletries. Have a grab n go bag ready--add to it over the week, as you do your laundry-- so that you can just grab it and go when it is time for a visit. 

In my relationship, we spent the first three years living separately. But from almost the start, the plan was to move in together (we'd known each other for a long time before we ever got together). 

After the first year that we were together, I ended up moving a little farther away because I got a new job. I tried to choose a location central to where we both worked. But as year three came to a close, he ended up dragging his feet about moving in.

I gave him an ultimatum: Move In, or See You Later. I was dead serious about it.

I was sick of spending extra time driving to work, paying extra money to live in this central location, just to continue having inconvenient weekend visits. I decided that when my lease was up in four months, I would move closer to my job (and even farther from him). I made it abundantly clear that the relationship would be over at that point.

So, we had a couple of contentious months where he possibly struggled with the perceived loss of his freedom, etc. But he came around. We've been living together now for going on six years. It's actually been really nice. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Summer2424 said:

I've been dating my boyfriend over 10 months now, he lives 2 hours away. I live at home right now so I'm the one visiting him. 

He's talked about signing another lease though and that would mean we'd be doing the back and forth for another year and a half or more. 

Sorry this is happening. How old is he? How did you meet?

Unfortunately 10 mos is too soon to move in. You're under no obligation to drive to him or stay with him if you are living at home.

If you don't wish to live at home, you could get your own place.

Clearly he's signing a lease on his own so having you move in doesn't seem like something he's ready for.

Not much you can do except stop staying there this much. You don't have to do this for another "year and a half or more". 

In that time you can get your own place or continue living at home. Just don't commute this much.

[Lambert]

instead of trying to figure out what others did and basing your wants and decisions on that. Look to what you two together are doing in this relationship.  What do you both want? Are you moving in the same direction together towards a shared goal?

Why don't you have a drawer or a closet at his place?

Why is he signing a lease for the next year?

Looks like you are thinking move in. He is thinking status quo. That may not be true. people can be dumb and not think or realize what the other person is up to. We can't read minds...

Talk to him and figure it out together. I personally think 10 months of LDR is not enough time to move to them. Especially, if he doesn't want a roommate. 

[smackie9]

Move in with him and see....you are practically living with him now as it is anyways, so the transition will be quiet easy. If it doesn't work out, you move out, no big deal.

[boltnrun]

I think it's a bad idea to move in because you're tired of commuting. Living together is a big decision not to be taken lightly. 

What about getting your own place closer to where he's living?

[reinventmyself]

I've done and it does get grueling.  But moving in with someone before you are both ready is a bad idea.  

I agree with giving some thought as to what you can do to make his home more comfortable for you.   The packing and unpacking, trying to remember everything I needed is the worst.  I always had an overnight bag on my floor that I never put a way.   Leave a few clothing items, invest in another blow dryer and toiletries.  Try that before you consider anything permanent.  At least you have options right now.   Take advantage of that. 

Is there any reason you can't take a small break and not go as much?  At least until the frustration passes.

[bluecastle]

2 hours ago, Lambert said:

Talk to him and figure it out together.

All in all, I'd say this is the most important step. Have you talked at all about this? The stress of the drive? What both of you would like in the future? How you each feel about moving in, when that seems right, what would need to happen? Conversations like that—and being able to have conversations like that—are pretty critical when it comes relationships. 

I get that the driving is frustrating, but at the same time: it's Covid, and of the two of you he's the only one not living with his parents. So on that front there's just a bit of imbalance here that, well, either works or doesn't. Can understand how it makes for more work on your end, but really hard to see any other way that makes sense. 

My girlfriend did more "commuting" than I did for the first six months or so, since she was living with another single mom and they had a sound and sensible rule that no men could come over when either of their kids were home. Given their different co-parenting schedules, the times when I could get to hers were few and far between. (Living in a city famous for its congestion, this meant she was often in the car 1.5 hours or more.) Then she moved into her own spot, and things leveled out. That spot is now our home—we moved in together after a year and loose change.

I will say that one thing I've loved about how we ended up living together is that the choice was not made for urgent logistical reasons, or to soothe any anxieties or frustrations. We both lived alone, could easily afford our homes, and would have been fine staying that way for another year. But we knew by 7-8 months, because we talked about these things, that we had a shared goal of living together. We were in agreement that we wanted to be together for at least a year before doing so—and, well, here we are. Thanks to those talks, it honestly didn't feel like some massive step, but just another step in our ongoing journey. 

Perhaps the first step here is to talk a bit, and see about finding a way to make the arrangement less taxing on you? A drawer at his, some closet space? Maybe some meet ups in the middle, after which you each return to your respective homes? Start there, along with talking about where you each see things a few months from now, and maybe you find some calm and clarity where there is some turbulence at present. 

 

 

[Rose Mosse]

Spend less time over at his place and more time in your own home. It's wearing you down so learn to come up with another arrangement that works. The first year is always the first flush of romance and things are exciting, you can't get enough of each other. All those things start mellowing out eventually. If you've never lived on your own or had your own place, I'd encourage you to explore this and be on your own before moving in with anyone. 

Think about how wonderful it would be to have your own space and have him over for a change.

If you move out two hours nearer to him, how far are you from your hub or activities? Work, school, etc? Current situations will change. Your employment situation might change. Look long term, not just short term and what's more convenient now in the next six months. 

Don't drive if you're not feeling well. I know you know this. Put your health first before the relationship. Practice better self-care, take weekends out for yourself even if it means not seeing each other.

He can come out to meet with you for lunch or dinner without you having to sleepover all the time. 

 

[tattoobunnie]

When my hubs and I were dating, and 3 hours away I'd go once a month on a weekend. And the other weekends, he drove to me.  Sometimes I'd bring my dog, other times, my dad would watch her.  But the biggest difference is we had end goals.  Firm plans for him to move to my area, especially after we got engaged, after 10 months (but we've known each other for 14 years prior), and married after 13 months.  I have businesses, so I wasn't moving there!  It's okay to go home during the week.  So unless he can't bring his dog, or your parents are in his face 24/7, there should be no reason, why you can't take turns at least once a month.  We were both living with family, and we were both in our early 30's.  If he can't take turns, he is not a good partner.

[Batya33]

46 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

When my hubs and I were dating, and 3 hours away I'd go once a month on a weekend. And the other weekends, he drove to me.  Sometimes I'd bring my dog, other times, my dad would watch her.  But the biggest difference is we had end goals.  Firm plans for him to move to my area, especially after we got engaged, after 10 months (but we've known each other for 14 years prior), and married after 13 months.  I have businesses, so I wasn't moving there!  It's okay to go home during the week.  So unless he can't bring his dog, or your parents are in his face 24/7, there should be no reason, why you can't take turns at least once a month.  We were both living with family, and we were both in our early 30's.  If he can't take turns, he is not a good partner.

Same.  I did one long term long distance relationship because - we'd been serious in the past (7 years earlier), we talked about our goals the day we got back together (marriage and family) and we could see each other every 11 days or so - plane flights.  Otherwise I wouldn't have done it. To me 2 hours each way is long distance because you have to stay overnight most likely and can't just meet during the week for a quick evening date or lunch, etc. I married my long distance guy -we lived in the same city for about half of our 3 years and did not officially move in together till we were married.  I would move to his city and live independently only if you want to move there anyway.  I didn't mind the traveling/commute and yes we took turns but not in an "equal" way -because at times I could work out of an office in his city, at times he was visiting mine (our home town) anyway, etc.  If you're not cut out for living out of a suitcase that's fine but the answer is not to move in together out of convenience.

I'd do what tatto bunnie seems to suggest -have a talk about your goals, what things look like over the next 6 months to a year etc.  if he's "not sure" then I wouldn't invest the time/effort into long distance.

[Andrina]

You should actually give him the opportunity to show his continued interest. Make sure he puts in the effort when you have to lessen yours a bit because of commuter stress.

There are guys who are lazy, just not that into you, who are cowardly and won't break up. I'm not saying this is him at all, but to weed out guys like that, who will just let a woman drive the train and stay on board because it's easier for the moment, it's best to expect a good effort. But nobody's a mind reader. You have to tell him what you want. Tell him that the commute is hard on you, and ask for a compromise that he sometimes do his part by getting a hotel or B&B in your area for a weekend or long weekend, and you can establish a timeline of how often this will happen. There are places that accept pets or he can get a petsitter. There's always a solution to every problem.

Sometimes you can meet halfway for just a day trip and return home if there's a picturesque town in between. His efforts will be a good gauge of his interest that you won't be able to see if you're the only one making the sacrifice.

It's also good to look at his past relationship history to see a if there is a pattern or not. What's been his longest relationship? Why'd they break up. How come you two decided to date long distance? Where did you meet and how old are you two? Answers to these questions might let us see a clearer picture of your situation.