I don't know if my boyfriend is the one. I don't know what to do.

[Unbalanced860]

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years and 10 months my longest relationship ever. I've only been in 1 other relationship before him and that was when I was 17. I'm 34 now. He's 48.

I love him . He wants to settle down with me, buy a home, have a child and get married. I'm not so sure he's the one I should do this with. I've been going back and forth with the idea of breaking up with him since the 3rd month of dating. We both already have children. I have a 15 year old who lives with me and he has a 20 and 13 year old who live with their mothers. 

The only problem I have with him is his sometimes rigid thinking and lack of emotional intelligence. He gives me cold hard facts when sometimes I just want an ear and an encouraging voice. It makes it difficult for me to open up about certain things. He's not wrong in what he says he just lacks that sweet touch. For example,  I told him I was worried about us not making enough money and brought up the idea of starting some kind of business to supplement our income. He says the first thing I need to do is to learn how to save money and stop buying stuff online and asked me what happened to the money that I saved and that I keep doing the same thing spending money...Ok fine that's a solid fact but I feel he could have said it another way and not completely stifle my idea. Another time I had told him I always thought of being a commercial model and in short he says I'm 34 and I'm  too shy hinting that I couldn't do it.

If I tell him I have so much work to do at my job and that I'm stressed he says that I need to learn how to manage my time.

If I talk to him about issues I have with my daughter he just points the blame at me for how I've raised her. I just imagine if we had kids how hard he'd be on me.

He used to have this bad habit of raising his voice but he's calmed down tremendously after I talked to him. One thing I can say about him is if I tell him things he does that affects me he does work on it.

He's a lot of person to take in. You either love or hate him. He hasn't mastered the idea of tone so he can come off as rude. English isnt his first language. I'm working on this with him and it's because of this that I think my mom doesn't really like him. I'm afraid to leave him around family and friends for fear that he'll come off as rude.

Honestly I think he's very confident in himself. I won't say that he's so arrogant that he lacks empathy because he's actually very philanthropic. He's an activist but he tends to read and judge people easily. He also loves to cut people off when they talk this is something everyone tells him.

Lately just being around him irritates me. I keep thinking maybe I  need to break up with him and find someone softer to be with. I think how nice it would be to have a partner who validates what I'm feeling. Although he irritates me I think about him all day. The thought of us not together really bothers me. The thought of losing him brings me to tears. The thought of us together worries me because I don't know how it will end. I don't want to regret leaving him and I don't want to regret not leaving him.

I will say though he has some great qualities to him. He is patient, is great with my daughter, cooks for me, isn't selfish, is very giving in bed, will be there physically if I need him, was there for me during a difficult time with my daughter... he's not a bad man. He's very faithful. I don't know if I leave him if I'll find another man with these qualities. 

I don't have much experience in relationships so I don't know what to think. 

[SherrySher]

You two sound very incompatible. His personality does not match yours and visa versa. He also does not respect many things you do or the ideas you have, which is why he subtly puts you down or ignores the ideas you bring up to him.

I think you've known for a long time now that he is not "the one", but perhaps you're afraid of being alone or not finding someone else so you hang onto him?

Either way, it doesn't sound like you're working and wouldn't work for a marriage.

You'd be better off to end things with him, so you can find a man more suitable for you.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Unbalanced860 said:

 . I've been going back and forth with the idea of breaking up with him since the 3rd month of dating

 We both already have children. I have a 15 year old who lives with me and he has a 20 and 13 year old who live with

Unfortunately you are correct to hesitate. There's way too much incompatibilities.

It's important to be able to discuss some things, but don't expect anyone to just be an ear.

You need to talk to more friends family, co-workers,etc about stuff.

He seems rather controlling.  Where are his kids mothers ? How is his rapport with them?

There's too many red flags 🚩 here. Stop and reflect why you are staying in this. But. Do  Not marry.

[Unbalanced860]

37 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

You two sound very incompatible. His personality does not match yours and visa versa. He also does not respect many things you do or the ideas you have, which is why he subtly puts you down or ignores the ideas you bring up to him.

I think you've known for a long time now that he is not "the one", but perhaps you're afraid of being alone or not finding someone else so you hang onto him?

Either way, it doesn't sound like you're working and wouldn't work for a marriage.

You'd be better off to end things with him, so you can find a man more suitable for you.

I feel that we are incompatible too and I've told him this but he doesn't believe it. He thinks that it's because I don't have relationship experience but I know what I feel is valid. I don't have to have been in a ton of relationships to know what feels right. I guess I keep thinking and hoping that we'll find common ground and stay there. 

I'm afraid that I won't find another man as giving as he is and as patient with my daughter as he is. I don't want to see him with anyone else. I feel that We've put so much time and effort into this relationship just to see it go is so painful.

You know when we kiss I never feel that passion and maybe it's because of the emotional disconnect that I feel between us.

 

 

[poorlittlefish]

2 hours ago, Unbalanced860 said:

"I'm afraid that I won't find another man as giving as he is and as patient with my daughter as he is. I don't want to see him with anyone else. I feel that We've put so much time and effort into this relationship just to see it go is so painful."

Those are selfish reasons to keep the relationship going.  There are literally millions of other men on this planet and he's not the only one capable of being good with your daughter.  You won't find someone else who'll do that while you're stringing this guy along.  Not wanting him to be with someone else while you know in your heart that he's not doing it for you isn't right for either of you.

 

 

[Andrina]

You do have some high risk elements in your relationship. People with a 10 year age gap have a 39 percent higher risk of divorce and your 14 year age gap might make that percentage even higher. If he has been married twice before, here are the stats for that: According to some studies, 67% of second marriages and 73% of third marriages in the United States end in divorce. What were the reasons he couldn't make it work with his exes? Who called it quits and how long did each of those relationships last? I would take note of any pattern that might exist.

No, I wouldn't marry without 100 percent confidence. If you want to pull out all the stops before calling it quits or to prevent ending things, go to couples therapy to see if all your issues can improve. Reading the book Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus teaches couples the best way to speak to each other. I suggest buying the book and taking turns reading a chapter per day to each other. Read books and articles on how to reestablish an emotional connection with him and share those ideas with him. Give everything a lengthy time to work and reassess. Good luck.

[SherrySher]

8 hours ago, Unbalanced860 said:

You know when we kiss I never feel that passion and maybe it's because of the emotional disconnect that I feel between us.

So basically you're settling if you do stay with him. Which is fine, it's your choice after all. But just know that you won't ever be happy and there won't be any kind of love story like you're hoping for if you do remain with him.

[boltnrun]

You've been "thinking and hoping" for two years and seven months.

What is your time limit for "thinking and hoping"?

[Unbalanced860]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

You've been "thinking and hoping" for two years and seven months.

What is your time limit for "thinking and hoping"?

This made me laugh and brought me back to reality. It's difficult because we do have our good and bad moments. I'm an over analyzer. I sometimes wonder if there is something more out there but then I feel bad like I'm taking what I do have for granted. There's a lot of what ifs.

[Unbalanced860]

1 hour ago, SherrySher said:

So basically you're settling if you do stay with him. Which is fine, it's your choice after all. But just know that you won't ever be happy and there won't be any kind of love story like you're hoping for if you do remain with him.

Thank you. I have a lot of figuring out to do. 

[Unbalanced860]

2 hours ago, Andrina said:

You do have some high risk elements in your relationship. People with a 10 year age gap have a 39 percent higher risk of divorce and your 14 year age gap might make that percentage even higher. If he has been married twice before, here are the stats for that: According to some studies, 67% of second marriages and 73% of third marriages in the United States end in divorce. What were the reasons he couldn't make it work with his exes? Who called it quits and how long did each of those relationships last? I would take note of any pattern that might exist.

No, I wouldn't marry without 100 percent confidence. If you want to pull out all the stops before calling it quits or to prevent ending things, go to couples therapy to see if all your issues can improve. Reading the book Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus teaches couples the best way to speak to each other. I suggest buying the book and taking turns reading a chapter per day to each other. Read books and articles on how to reestablish an emotional connection with him and share those ideas with him. Give everything a lengthy time to work and reassess. Good luck.

Thank you so much. He's only been married once and it was a green card marriage but they were together for 6years. Drugs is what destroyed his past relationships. He's still on good terms with his youngest child and his mother and is on good terms with the oldest child but not her mother.

I see how interacts with his ex and he's impatient with her and raises his voice but they have their own issues. He used to raise his voice a lot but has gotten 98 percent better over the span of almost 3 years. 

I think all of the women might have left him.

[Unbalanced860]

8 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

 

You are absolutely right. I keep saying to myself you have to let him go so he can go build his life. I know it isn't right. This will be the hardest thing for me to do if I do it. 

[catfeeder]

19 minutes ago, Unbalanced860 said:

Drugs is what destroyed his past relationships.

Who was the drug user, him or his exes?

If him, that would suggest a pattern to me that I wouldn't plan a future around, much less the future of my children.

If that weren't enough of a risk for me, I'd consider the lack of emotional intimacy to be a dealbreaker.

I have a friend with a harsh accent, who like your BF, stomps on my thought process while I'm confiding and trying to talk things through. I find it irritating, and it shuts me down. But that's just a friendship--there's no way that I'd settle for that in a life partner.

You're still young enough to find true simpatico with someone who makes you feel fabulous. I can appreciate that the guy has some redeeming qualities, but nobody needs to be a villain to be a poor match.

I would not assign myself the job of trying to convince the guy of anything. Two people don't need to agree to a breakup, so no selling is necessary. Each of us has to step up to own the 'bad guy' role in order to liberate ourselves from any relationship that isn't working for us. This doesn't make you mean or horrible, or 'wrong' to do what is right for you and your own future.

Head high.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Unbalanced860 said:

I see how interacts with his ex and he's impatient with her and raises his voice but they have their own issues. He used to raise his voice a lot but has gotten 98 percent better over the span of almost 3 years. 

I think all of the women might have left him.

Well this might be a good observation. Perhaps it's your internal warning system alerting you that he can be nice.. then not so nice.

[SooSad33]

On 12/29/2020 at 12:14 AM, Unbalanced860 said:

I've been going back and forth with the idea of breaking up with him since the 3rd month of dating

Wow :/.. since month 3!  I think you've let this go on way too long.. now you are emotionally invested & questioning so much.  Nope, not easy..

BUT.. think about it.. Are YOU truly happy?  Is this what you want for another 5 -10 yrs?

 

I feel not.  Then get real.. and maybe start to distance yourself if you really are done now.

Give it a few weeks... and then have a heart to heart & be honest with him.. (ie. you're just not so compatible).

 

[Tinydance]

The main thing that stood out to me from your post is that you said you'd been thinking of breaking up with him after 3 months together. You've been with him for nearly three years. So basically you've been thinking of breaking up with him for at least two years! This is what I call a "gut feeling".

I actually used to get this bad gut feeling about an ex too. I asked my friends how you were meant to know if someone is "the one". They said that maybe even if you're not sure if someone can be the one, you can still know they're NOT the one. Like, if you're getting a bad feeling, it's for a reason. 

Maybe this man is not necessarily a bad person, but he's just not the right person FOR YOU. Not everyone is a "match made in heaven". In fact most people are actually not the right person for us, only a small number of people are the one. What you may have been doing is trying to force a relationship with the wrong person because you just really want to be in a relationship. Which is fairly common actually! You aren't old though and you still have another 50 years to live! Well hopefully you do anyway lol So you have a chance to find more people.

Don't just settle because you're scared to be alone. You were a teenage Mum and you dedicated your life to raising your daughter. In a couple of years your daughter will basically be an adult. So now it's your time. Your time to have your own life and be happy.

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, Unbalanced860 said:

. He's only been married once and it was a green card marriage 

I see how interacts with his ex and he's impatient with her and raises his voice but they have their own issues. 

So he tends to use people?

[Batya33]

On 12/29/2020 at 1:39 AM, SherrySher said:

You two sound very incompatible. His personality does not match yours and visa versa. He also does not respect many things you do or the ideas you have, which is why he subtly puts you down or ignores the ideas you bring up to him.

I think you've known for a long time now that he is not "the one", but perhaps you're afraid of being alone or not finding someone else so you hang onto him?

Either way, it doesn't sound like you're working and wouldn't work for a marriage.

You'd be better off to end things with him, so you can find a man more suitable for you.

I agree.  Also please know he doesn't have to "master" anything not to come across as rude- you simply need to have a good heart, genuine intentions and the humility to apologize when you make a mistake and unintentionally -or even intentionally -offend someone.  "He hasn't mastered the idea of tone so he can come off as rude. English isnt his first language. I'm working on this with him and it's because of this that I think my mom doesn't really like him. I'm afraid to leave him around family and friends for fear that he'll come off as rude."  Please don't work on this with him.  He's 48, not a child.  If he wants to make people feel comfortable around him he will and his language has nothing to do with it.  Certainly there are cultural differences where people can misinterpret a way of speaking for "rudeness" but not to the extent you describe.