Is it me or is he the problem

[Witchesden87]

My partner constantly brings up my past. I've had alot of issues growing up without a father its taken me up untill now to accept and love myself. He heard alot about me before we met and I grew on him he saw me for me I'm a nice person and il go over and above for you when your in my circle. He had alot of issues in the start of our relationship me being on social media, being out and not conducting myself in a certain manner staring at men for recognition all things I've never really truly looked at myself. I have gone through this whole roller coster of emotions reliving my past and getting to understand me better and how he feels. I truly can say with my hand on my heart I'm a great partner I go over and above I'm funny I'm caring I'm attentive but nothing ever seems like enough. I've noticed this cycle he goes through where hell spend hours looking through my phone accusing me of being a cheat he's accused me of having numerous phones he accuses me of being in places I shouldn't be  by looking at my locations all genuine things that are very explainable, we have come so far he has 2 kids which I adore one who is 8 and lives fulltine with us I do everything for him he treats me like his mum. I have my own daughter who is 7 and he has another son who is 5 he comes down the weekends. I've changed everything to make him feel at ease or to not have to doubt me but again this cycle has returned I'm starting to think is it him, I woke up this morning getting ready for my shift and got landed with I'm a cheat and that I was going to have sex with someone else, he has messaged me awful messages name calling me telling me il never change and how could I have done this to him and his boy I'm truly shocked lost for words. He's ripping my whole life apart them kids mean the world to me, he's kicking me and my daughter out again this also happens from time to time. I actually know I deserve a whole lot better than this. I feel like I'm screaming but he can't hear me no matter what I say or do I'm disgusting he won't even listen to what I have to say. I just don't understand I'm exhausted from being accused and actually feeling like I've done wrong when I have to check myself and say you've done nothing but be a good partner to him. There's nothing more scary than knowing the truth being accused but  having to go through the trauma as if I have actually done all these things. I feel like I'm going insane. 

[Rose Mosse]

He dedicates so much energy and time to tearing you down. How long has this been going on for? 

I'd wonder if he is the one emotionally or physically cheating. 

[Witchesden87]

Since the start I've really worked on myself and tbh I took a good long hard look at myself and accepted me and my past and have moved on but this keeps coming round and around, I'm tired of being shamed and treated like I have done wrong I'm very deep and feel everything I really don't know what to do its really getting me down it chips away and away at me. I don't have anyone I can turn to or god forbid I actually try explaining myself he truly believes by the way I washed my face this morning and the way I amswered him that I'm off sleeping around. 

[Jibralta]

How long have you been together?

[Witchesden87]

2 and a half years 

[Jibralta]

Time to get out. You are being abused. Your daughter has now spend 1/3 of her young life seeing her mother treated badly. Your son is seeing the same. Do it for them.

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, Witchesden87 said:

 I have gone through this whole roller coster of emotions reliving my past and getting to understand me better and how he feels. 

I've noticed this cycle he goes through where hell spend hours looking through my phone accusing me of being a cheat

I've changed everything to make him feel at ease or to not have to doubt me but again this cycle has returned 

I actually know I deserve a whole lot better than this.

I feel like I'm going insane. 

Abuse cycles exactly like this. Stop letting him go through your phone have firm boundaries and read up an red flags for controlling/abusive relationships. You need to end this. Sorry. He is a very damaging individual.

[Rose Mosse]

What's holding you back from leaving? 

 

[Witchesden87]

3 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Time to get out. You are being abused. Your daughter has now spend 1/3 of her young life seeing her mother treated badly. Your son is seeing the same. Do it for them.

 

Just now, Rose Mosse said:

What's holding you back from leaving? 

 

I really don't know this stems back to my my fatherless upbringing I have a really bad realtionship with men I know this and see this

[Jibralta]

1 minute ago, Witchesden87 said:

 

I really don't know this stems back to my my fatherless upbringing I have a really bad realtionship with men I know this and see this

You can overcome that.

[Witchesden87]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Abuse cycles exactly like this. Stop letting him go through your phone have firm boundaries and read up an red flags for controlling/abusive relationships. You need to end this. Sorry. He is a very damaging individual.

Why can't he see that he is the problem it's him who has the issues  I mean how do you prove to a guy that swears blind your a liar

[MissCanuck]

This man is abusive. 

You need to get away from him, immediately and permanently. If you can't do it for you, do it for your daughter. Show her how women need to respect themselves and not allow men to abuse them. You are modelling some very unhealthy behaviour for her and she risks winding up in the same position later in life - but you can change course now. 

You don't deserve this mistreatment. And these kids don't deserve this level of chaos in their lives. 

[Witchesden87]

5 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

You can overcome that.

 

5 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

You can overcome that.

I really have worked on myself self care acceptance but I feel like this is unravelling everything and not good for my mental health. I don't know where I would go with my daughter, its always me that has to leave more trauma to deal with for me and my daughter r 

[Witchesden87]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Abuse cycles exactly like this. Stop letting him go through your phone have firm boundaries and read up an red flags for controlling/abusive relationships. You need to end this. Sorry. He is a very damaging individual.

Ya he could spend hours searching looking for something anytime Ive tried to have boundaries with this he's more paranoid. Thanks for the clarity I really have been putting myself down for way too long and nearly accepting it as if I have done wrong he could sit there an age going though every little detail about what kind of person I am it's soul destroying. 

[Rose Mosse]

16 minutes ago, Witchesden87 said:

 

I really don't know this stems back to my my fatherless upbringing I have a really bad realtionship with men I know this and see this

Can you retrace the things you were missing in that father-daughter relationship?

And then separately, instead of focusing on the loss of someone so important, is it possible to instead create entirely on your own what you expect of a partner? Can you separate the yearning for a father figure from your romantic relationships? 

A lot of individuals don't have or didn't have ideal relationships with caregivers. And sometimes there are existing relationships but they were not healthy. It means recreating what your own ideals are. Have you tried doing this? 

I think your partner is emotionally and mentally abusing you, trying to control you. Keeping tabs on you, searching in depth for issues to pick with you, spending hours decoding you and overanalyzing a situation. That is way too much time spent trying to tear someone else apart. It shouldn't have any place in your life.

The more you are resistant the more he will try to control you. If he knows you are trapped or unable to leave (something is holding you back), it's more means for control and domination. He experiences lack of control with certain aspects of your social media use for example. This causes him to control you even more because he feels that lack of control. It's a cycle.  

I really do think you ought to look into leaving. Do you have any family close by? Repair and rebuild your life even if means from scratch. Have you posted about this on the forum before? I feel like I've read this about a year or so ago. If not, I genuinely hope you can leave. 

 

 

 

[Witchesden87]

7 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

This man is abusive. 

You need to get away from him, immediately and permanently. If you can't do it for you, do it for your daughter. Show her how women need to respect themselves and not allow men to abuse them. You are modelling some very unhealthy behaviour for her and she risks winding up in the same position later in life - but you can change course now. 

You don't deserve this mistreatment. And these kids don't deserve this level of chaos in their lives. 

I really try hard to teach my daughter to respect and love herself but your right this is mental abuse  what makes me different from her why do I deserve to be called all these horrible nasty things or constantly being accused of being a slapper being easy. 

[MissCanuck]

24 minutes ago, Witchesden87 said:

Why can't he see that he is the problem it's him who has the issues  I mean how do you prove to a guy that swears blind your a liar

You can't and shouldn't. 

You should instead just run from men like this. 

[reinventmyself]

14 minutes ago, Witchesden87 said:

Why can't he see that he is the problem it's him who has the issues  I mean how do you prove to a guy that swears blind your a liar

why should he?   You reward him for his bad behaviour.  You try harder and take all the blame. 

Men like this are horribly insecure.  He figures if he tears you down enough you won't have the self esteem to stand up for yourself or leave.  Every time he asks you leave and brings you back, you need to know it's his way of breaking you down and conditioning you.

The very fact that you seem a little lost and confused about what is wrong or right is a clear indication is abuse tactics are working.  You went into this thinking you weren't worthy and keep trying to prove yourself to him.   It made you a perfect target for a man like him.

A confident woman with decent self esteem would have crossed the street when they saw him coming.  Instead you keep wanting an abuser to admit he's abusive and you just keep trying harder to be good so he won't find something about you to attack.  If you pay close attention, seeing you aren't doing anything wrong he now will make crap up and pin it on you.

As another poster has said, you are teaching your children that it's ok for a man to treat a woman like this.  Is this the life you want for your children?   

He isn't going to wake up one morning realize he's an abuser.  He doesn't plan on stopping either.  The abuse is working for him.  My guess is if you were to look at his upbringing there is a legacy of this. 

Break the cycle.  Do it for your children.  What is it about yourself that you don't believe you deserve better?

[boltnrun]

He abuses you because he likes it.  He enjoys it.  He gets off on it, literally.

Do you want your daughter to have a relationship like yours?  Because if you stay, she absolutely will choose a man just like the one you've chosen.

Please do not move back in.  Tell a family member so they can help you get away from him permanently.  Then, therapy.  Intensive therapy.

[Jibralta]

1 hour ago, Witchesden87 said:

I don't know where I would go with my daughter, its always me that has to leave more trauma to deal with for me and my daughter

Have you tried contacting a women's shelter?

[Capricorn3]

1 hour ago, Witchesden87 said:

I really try hard to teach my daughter to respect and love herself but your right this is mental abuse  what makes me different from her why do I deserve to be called all these horrible nasty things or constantly being accused of being a slapper being easy. 

The big point you're missing here is that YOU are setting an example to your daughter.  She learns from YOU.  She sees you putting up with abusive behaviour, which in turn shows her YOU have no self-respect and no boundaries and no self love.  How do you expect her to "learn to respect and love herself"?   Think about it.

By staying with these men you are telling them you are okay with being treated badly.  You allow them to treat you like this and then wonder what the problem is.  The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result.  Please look into therapy to help you work through all your issues, for your daughter's sake, as well as your own.

First step:  Leave him.  

[reinventmyself]

Google signs of emotional abuse.  It's pretty eye opening.  You can find a line by line check list.

You will find yourself there.

[Seraphim]

You are being abused and your daughter is also being abused watching you be abused. You can’t teach her about love and respect if you don’t go after it for yourself. 

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, Witchesden87 said:

Why can't he see that he is the problem it's him who has the issues  I mean how do you prove to a guy that swears blind your a liar

He'll never see that. It's inconvenient and easier to blame you--because you stay and take it.

I'd quit that and consider what your kids' exposure to this man is teaching them.

Head high, and reach out to a local women's shelter for a referral to a counselor who can help you make a safe plan get away from this guy.

[Seraphim]

My mom was abused by my dad and it left deep and lasting scars on my psyche . I remember being 5 and my dad trying to run my mom over in a car I was a passenger in. This happened almost 50 years ago. I won’t forget it until I die.