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The evil manipulating son keeps getting his way


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My older brother has always been used to getting his way. When he was a kid he'd ask my dad for the latest Nike trainers and sports gear and my dad would willingly buy it for him. Same with doing his masters, they paid for it. When he needed money to buy his 1st house my mum and dad gave their hard-earned savings to help him to use as a deposit. Whilst earning and living at my parents, he never contributed to rent/bills, he had saved his own money knowing one day he would use it to move out.

 

 

Well, he lost his 1st home, a job and had a mid-life crisis. It was one pretty year for him. His partner walked out on him and she'd had enough of his emotionally abusive ways. My bro doesn't hit women but he sure likes to insult them, I heard he use to call her fat, lazy and ugly pig. No wonder she left him.

 

My mum had to beg us all to help loan him some money, we did to help him get back on his feet and he never paid us back. There was no point in even mentioning it, my mum would get too stressed out and cry (she has high blood pressure) and that was family dinner ruined again.

 

My bro also has a habit of flaunting his latest gear - hey check out my new car, check out the extension to my house, look at my latest iPhone. Never once did he stop to think, I should actually pay you guys back. He had some really good years as a business development manager, and any good commission he made he spent it on himself, his new wife or kids. Just so proud of showing his latest purchases and achievements to all of us.

 

He is the type of brother who says to my mum "that's easy I can do that with my eyes closed", but when it comes down to doing the work he is nowhere to be seen and unreachable. There have been countless times where he'll tell my mum "look where I got this, they sell it so cheap in my area." My mum would say well how about you get me one and he would never deliver. Same when my dad died, we all thought he would take charge and organise the funeral, paperwork the stonemasons etc. We did that all without him whilst he just showed up.

 

But when things go bad my bro is quick to point the finger and accuse us. He recently had some tyre accidents, several burst tyres whilst on the road and was so quick to point the finger and accuse us of jinxing him. He woke my mum up in the early morning whilst she was recovering from a stroke only to insult and accuse her of bringing bad luck on him. She's been so ill lately that he hasn't even bothered asking her how she is doing.

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Be there for your mother or other family relatives but don't spend your energies on him for too long.

 

Do you live with your mother? It may be hard to avoid him if so. Try your best and focus on your own life. You don't want to look back and realize you wasted your years mostly upset at someone else.

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I'm really sorry about your mom and hope she gets better soon.

 

As for your brother...... It's time to face up that he is just a user and users operate on a way street. He will take whatever he can get and never give anything. This is who he is and has always been. Expecting anything else from him is a waste of your time and energy. I'm actually surprised that you all expected him to step up in any way.

 

Would be better for you to learn to have some firm boundaries with him. No is a complete sentence. If your mom is asking on his behalf, then you can be more polite but still firm "I'm sorry but I simply can't give a penny, it's just not there." Done. Every time she asks, stick with that response.

 

Overall, when it comes to "lending" money to family or friends, best for your sanity to view it as a gift and then ask yourself if you can afford to give away that much. If you can't, then just say NO. It will save you a lot of arguments and resentments and will keep your relationships better overall.

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No, I don't live with my mother but she is the 1st to call me when he has upset her. I guess this what you call unconditional motherly love, she can never hate him the way we all hate him and distance ourselves from him. She always finds a way to forgive and forget.

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Your parents set a bad example if she's calling you to badmouth one son over the other. The relationships in your family are toxic, it appears. Limit the conversations with your mother if they turn negative. Learn to change the topic or not respond to those comments. You can change the mood or direction of a conversation.

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No, I don't live with my mother but she is the 1st to call me when he has upset her. I guess this what you call unconditional motherly love, she can never hate him the way we all hate him and distance ourselves from him. She always finds a way to forgive and forget.

 

This isn't so much about your brother as your own inability to say no to your mother over the years. Can't really hang that on him. Right now might well be too late given her age and health issues.

 

This is more about you becoming more aware of your own issues. If you have trouble saying no to people, you are liable to find yourself used and abused a lot and living with a great deal of resentment as a result. Goes back to working on developing healthy boundaries with everyone in life. When you don't have boundaries, you will get trampled.

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This isn't so much about your brother as your own inability to say no to your mother over the years. Can't really hang that on him. Right now might well be too late given her age and health issues.

 

This is more about you becoming more aware of your own issues. If you have trouble saying no to people, you are liable to find yourself used and abused a lot and living with a great deal of resentment as a result. Goes back to working on developing healthy boundaries with everyone in life. When you don't have boundaries, you will get trampled.

 

I agree. Mom cries -- you act. Just say no to giving anyone money.

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This isn't so much about your brother as your own inability to say no to your mother over the years. Can't really hang that on him. Right now might well be too late given her age and health issues.

 

This is more about you becoming more aware of your own issues. If you have trouble saying no to people, you are liable to find yourself used and abused a lot and living with a great deal of resentment as a result. Goes back to working on developing healthy boundaries with everyone in life. When you don't have boundaries, you will get trampled.

 

I agree. Mom cries -- you act. Just say no to giving anyone money. And also, when i loan money to family, i consider it a gift. If i am paid back, its a wonderful surprise. you are all enabling him. so stop.

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Your brother sounds like a real blowhard. But as the others have said, he's not the problem so much as your inability to say no. You knew what type of person he was when you turned over the money, so you can kiss it goodbye.

 

From now on, when he's having a crisis, just tell him and your mother that you don't have money to throw away.

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No, I don't live with my mother but she is the 1st to call me when he has upset her. I guess this what you call unconditional motherly love, she can never hate him the way we all hate him and distance ourselves from him. She always finds a way to forgive and forget.

 

You are wasting your sparse energy on this subject -especially now. If your mother wants to vent about it change the subject and/or end the call. You are not a good candidate for being able to listen in a caring way and listening is bad for your health. It's her business whether she wants to forgive or forget. Please distance yourself and it is irrelevant that this is a blood relative. Distance yourself.

 

Many years ago when my son was a toddler my sister and mother came over. I hadn't seen them in a long time -my sister hadn't seen her nephew in a long time. They couldn't stay very long because my sister had to catch her bus back. My mom has always favored my sister in part because she perceives my sister as needing more support than me. It's really annoying. That day as soon as they arrived my sister said she was going to go across the street to buy herself something to eat- because she's incredibly picky and wanted a specific kind of fruit. My mother immediately said "I'll go with you!" - it was ridiculous. They hadn't seen my son -my only child-in over a month and my mother was going to leave right away because my sister -who was around 50 at the time -heaven forbid shouldn't go across the street in a beautiful neighborhood to get some fruit. I was so annoyed and it almost ruined the visit. I mean how silly was I - letting that infect what was an amazing time - my son getting to spend time with his aunt and grandmother. The night before my wedding I wanted to stay at my parents (bride and groom aren't supposed to see each other the night before) and my mom said no because my sister needed to stay there -and needed the bathroom for her hours long ritual/practiceson the morning of my wedding. So even then she came first. My mother could not see how ridiculous this was -even when I was the bride, she came first.

 

But again - it's a choice - you can choose to react by a choice that preserves your blood pressure, your peace, your stomach acid or you can focus on all the annoyances and injustices that actually don't affect you first hand (because you don't live with them or depend on your parents for basic needs.

 

I'm 54 -I get it- it's annoying. Please choose the peaceful/neutral reaction.

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You are wasting your sparse energy on this subject -especially now. If your mother wants to vent about it change the subject and/or end the call. You are not a good candidate for being able to listen in a caring way and listening is bad for your health. It's her business whether she wants to forgive or forget. Please distance yourself and it is irrelevant that this is a blood relative. Distance yourself.

 

Many years ago when my son was a toddler my sister and mother came over. I hadn't seen them in a long time -my sister hadn't seen her nephew in a long time. They couldn't stay very long because my sister had to catch her bus back. My mom has always favored my sister in part because she perceives my sister as needing more support than me. It's really annoying. That day as soon as they arrived my sister said she was going to go across the street to buy herself something to eat- because she's incredibly picky and wanted a specific kind of fruit. My mother immediately said "I'll go with you!" - it was ridiculous. They hadn't seen my son -my only child-in over a month and my mother was going to leave right away because my sister -who was around 50 at the time -heaven forbid shouldn't go across the street in a beautiful neighborhood to get some fruit. I was so annoyed and it almost ruined the visit. I mean how silly was I - letting that infect what was an amazing time - my son getting to spend time with his aunt and grandmother. The night before my wedding I wanted to stay at my parents (bride and groom aren't supposed to see each other the night before) and my mom said no because my sister needed to stay there -and needed the bathroom for her hours long ritual/practiceson the morning of my wedding. So even then she came first. My mother could not see how ridiculous this was -even when I was the bride, she came first.

 

But again - it's a choice - you can choose to react by a choice that preserves your blood pressure, your peace, your stomach acid or you can focus on all the annoyances and injustices that actually don't affect you first hand (because you don't live with them or depend on your parents for basic needs.

 

I'm 54 -I get it- it's annoying. Please choose the peaceful/neutral reaction.

 

Sometimes the squeaky wheel gets the most oil. I can understand why that would be annoying.

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Your brother is a psychopath. All he does is charm his way through life, scheming/lying, draining people of their patience, and wallets. He is only out for himself, has no empathy and leaves a path of destruction behind him. They use people to have their needs met. I get.... it how can he be so heartless/mean...they don't think like us normal people,... he doesn't have the ability to care or sympathize. He is a danger to your mother.....he has her in his sights, he's manipulating her in her weaken state to take advantage of whatever he can get from her. You need to protect her...if you are executor of the estate get a court order. You can have him removed from the home, and limit his access to her with supervised visits. Contact a lawyer.

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Sometimes the squeaky wheel gets the most oil. I can understand why that would be annoying.

 

Yes, she was. And I want to say, she is one of my bestest friends ever, for many years. I love her so much just do not love always being the "normal" kid which basically meant the "ignored kid" and "ignored adult" - so I get the OP in the sense that her brother gets all the attention even when it's negative attention. It's just that she's an adult so my strong suggestion is to distance herself and not tell herself cliches about blood being thicker than water.

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You can't change people including your brother. However, you can enforce boundaries with him. Stop giving him money, learn to distance yourself, remain well mannered, polite yet keep a safe, civil, very peaceful distance. Focus on your mother and people who know how to behave properly and graciously. Learn to dismiss your brother in your mind. Practice and make it an automatic habit.

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Just want to say that that was the only time money was lent. We don’t expect to ever see that money repaid but can’t believe that someone can act in this way. The problem is my mum, it’s not easy to cut her off. She’s frail and vulnerable. We have told her countless times if you let him do this to you then expect the insults because you make it to easy for him. I’m not a mother, is it that easy to set boundaries with your children? She certainly knows which one bullies her but can never disown them

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Just want to say that that was the only time money was lent. We don’t expect to ever see that money repaid but can’t believe that someone can act in this way. The problem is my mum, it’s not easy to cut her off. She’s frail and vulnerable. We have told her countless times if you let him do this to you then expect the insults because you make it to easy for him. I’m not a mother, is it that easy to set boundaries with your children? She certainly knows which one bullies her but can never disown them

 

No need to cut her off at all. Just change the subject. Tell her you will talk about anything but that. I don't think being a broken record is helping her. I don't relate to your question about being a mother - is it easy to set boundaries? No - it often is not with anyone. With children? I mean it's too broad a question -depends on what the boundary is, what the context. I set boundaries with my child daily sometimes hourly.

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Don't worry so much about how your mother handles herself. She's elderly and in poor health. Take what she says in one ear/out the other.

 

Better boundaries means learning to know when to spend energy thinking or focusing on something if you aren't physically able distance yourself or remove them from your life entirely. There's nothing you can change about the way your mother or brother handle themselves. What you can change is the way you react or think.

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Enforcing boundaries is a mindset and how you won't allow others to control your thoughts nor have a grip on you life. It is very liberating and a catharsis.

 

Don't get emotionally immersed into others otherwise those negative emotions engulf and consume you. In many ways, becoming unemotional and more shrewd transforms into your survival skill. Then you'll become more resilient and strong. You won't allow anyone to get the best of you anymore.

 

As for your mother, you can't tell her what to do nor "coach" her. She will do as she will. She is responsible for any consequences. All you can do is control yourself and change the way you think and act. Learn to protect yourself.

 

I understand that the money was lent to your brother only to never see the money again. Don't even consider it a loan anymore. Consider it money which is gone, never truly borrowed and never repaid. This is a harsh lesson learned. In the future, never lend or give money to family and friends. Don't expect money to be repaid. Best to err on the side of caution. Those are boundaries, too. Live and learn.

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