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Regretting my decision to break-up with my co-dependant partner.


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Hello everyone, hope you are all having a great day!

 

Well, this is a messy story. I'll sum it up.

 

She and I are both in our early 20's. We were together for 1.5 years, we met through an online game and live in different countries, we took trips to see each other. We could talk hours on end and I'm pretty sure there was codependency.

 

Our relationship was rocky at start due to us both being kind of immature but we made it work.

 

I am jobless, having been in a rough patch in my life, but we met when I was getting things together, honing my passions, and it charmed her.

 

Things go down in the first "half" of our relation, I was not caring and she was too demanding, we fizzled out for a bit and I find out she kissed another guy through her friend. Right before we were supposed to meet the first time.

 

So thinking the tickets were already booked, I decided to just heavily chastise her untill I knew she felt it to her core, and would regret it.

 

We met up, had a dream-like trip where we were all over each-other, but then I find something weird on her phone while we were both casually looking at each-other's pictures, I find tinder screenshots then look at her Facebook and see she sent it to her best friends (one male, one female).

 

I was furious, we broke up on the moment and we left each-other with tears running down our eyes.

 

I was back alone, working on myself but she would message me saying she was sorry and how everything reminded me of her. Well, I felt alone. I was broken and struggling through life, I shut myself to online games at that time. She e-mailed me three motnhs later and I said it, let's talk it out.

 

We reconnected pretty quick and I made her understand that I would need extra proof of that I could trust her if I were to get back with her. I thought I could deal with the insecurity of being back with her, by letting myself be emotionally shut and gradually openning up.

 

She cut contact with her male best friend who was a terrible influence on her after I pointed it out (he would influence her into substances, smoking, drinking and being deceitful, now I know you might say it's just her rejecting fault on others, but no. I saw him recommending her first hand). She stopped hanging out with her male friends out of respect for me and she would send me pictures of herself whenever she was out to reassure me.

 

Everything was good, except the fact I stopped working on myself and bettering myself over time due to the insecurities(my own) and trust issues rearing up here and there.

(mind you she was making EVERY single thing to make me feel secure, even installed a tracking app, which I later told to remove due to no longer being comfortable.)

 

The relation was going great for me, she would shower me with gifts, pay for trips, would support me everytime. She was really loving and giving.

 

But then I stopped working on myself, became miserable and along with the insecurities seriously doubted my self-worth. She would try to get me to do things, to move, and would tell me I was great. And I was still struggling day by day getting out of my room.

 

Everything she did was clouded in my eyes by the fact she was unfaithful earlier on, no matter how great of a girl she was to me or how well she treated me, it would just show up it's ugly head and I would berrate the poor girl without proof over a bad night. She really did change, physically, mentally, emotionally.

 

But I couldn't bring myself to be giving to her. She did the gifting, she paid for our trips, she would reach out to me and make plans. I was just letting myself go.

 

We met one last time at my home, I told her I wanted to break-up with her since I found out she had deleted some messages from someone she was in contact with before, since that person previously made a move on her (but he is now married, and pretty sure it's purely platonic), she said she erased it out of fear of me getting angry, the thing is the act of erasing it drove me nuts, not whatever the content would have been.

 

She didn't want to break-up and kept contacting me like we were together, I let her, because it was comfortable to me (I regret treating her that way.)

 

I became abusive, I would snap at her for nothing, would quesion everything she did, who she was talking to, where she was going. Even said every now and then we were breaking up and I wanted to see other people.

 

She was madly in love with me, and I was extremely uncaring, rude, and spiralled myself deeper into inaction and developped an unhealthy lifestyle, which in retrospect made me even worse.

 

One day she decided that she had enough, took up on the offer of the break up and said she was heartbroken. She took the blame for me being abusive since she said herself she was a terrible girlfriend early on.

 

I suddenly had a turnaround and started realizing what I did all along.

 

 

She said she wasn't letting herself live, she kept herself in her room out of fear of loosing me, wouldn't go out with her friends, family or parents. That she lost the dream of moving in with me (she basically fell out of love). I apologized for what I did, and she told me apologies wouldn't fix what happened (I completely agree).

 

I basically made her change the person she was for me, myself. I thought most of it was from meaning well, steering her into becoming upright and bettering herself, but when our last month of relationship went on it wasn't out of love, out of wanting to see her grow. I was downright abusive to her and took my self-hatred out on her.

 

I feel terrible about what I did. I miss her very much, I recontacted her and wanted to make ammends but she told me she just wanted to move on, and I get her. I believe she has the right to.

 

Everything around me reminds me of her with how fusional we were, she told me the same.

We both miss eachother, but we're full of issues, and we're in a rough spot.

 

I want to become a better boyfriend, fix myself as a man, and get her back, yet I'm unsure of if it's a good idea, since I'm unsure if I should be in a relationship, at all.

 

We both were always really supportive of each other (except for the month where I was absolutely horrible with her).

 

I miss her deeply, I am taking steps to becoming a better person.

 

At moments I want her back in my arms and wouldn't get anything else, on others I feel like I am happy she took her stance and left. Since it's the way we can grow.

 

I know very well I led us to this, yet I regret it.

I feel ashamed for what I did.

 

I want her by my side so I can cheer for her and she could cheer for me, but I am seriously questioning if this is a good idea at all. I am worried I would go back to my previous state, or our perfect mess that cobbled well togeher would hold if we did get back together.

 

I came to realize how she really made all the steps to be trusted but my gut would tell me otherwise.

 

Should I just let this go? I want to check in on her and make sure she is doing better. I am going through therapy to figure myself out. I am lost.

 

The times I did reach out she said she just wanted to move on. She made her stance saying we cannot get back together. I do not know how to feel.

 

Edit: If I wanted to get her back, should I want to stay in touch or break contact? I still believe we can allow each other to grow once we deal with our own issues.

I think she's cutting off the contact to move on to someone new, knowing how I had to put the foot down for her to break up with her ex before she moved to me.

Edited by HellHellHell
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I am actively working on myself on that end, the break-up made me realize what I was doing.

 

Would you also consider getting back in touch with my ex to mend things to be totally irrational and a lack of good judgement?

 

I know very well that I have my progress to make on my own, and that I cannot rely on another person's acceptance anymore. But I'd like to smooth things over with her, for I hurt her deeply, and still would love to support her.

 

Should I let time settle things, work on myself solely and not contact her?

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She said she wasn't letting herself live, she kept herself in her room out of fear of loosing me, wouldn't go out with her friends, family or parents. That she lost the dream of moving in with me (she basically fell out of love). I apologized for what I did, and she told me apologies wouldn't fix what happened (I completely agree)

 

Oh buddy just read and re read your own words ...she woke up and realised what her reality had become ....

 

I wouldn't get in contact , just walk away now . Work on yourself for you and for whoever it is you will meet when you are ready . You did contact her and told her you wanted to make amends and her answer was ....she just wants to move forward .

 

If you want to do something for her that is heart felt , apologetic and in her best interests , then do this .......walk away , respect her wishes and just look forward to your own future .

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Thanks guys. I'll work on bettering myself in every way.

 

I'm not counting on getting back with her, I wanted to understand myself better and well, tell her that in some months when I figure things out if she wants to get back in touch.

 

Even if the situation is as is and the bridge is burnt, she still helped me figuring things that I wanted to do.

 

I still want to be able to support each other further down the line, but I guess it's purely up to her on that end.

 

Thank you for the answers, I needed it.

Here's to a better me.

 

Love, Hell

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Don't send anything to her.

 

Take a big step back and stop reaching out. Turn that focus away from her and back to yourself. That was your pattern during the whole relationship - getting so caught up in someone else's "problems" or that they need "help" from you that you stop working on yourself. Also, there's nothing attractive or fun or helpful hearing from an ex.

 

Stay away from her completely and start focusing on your job if you have a new job or the job search and any volunteer work or other aspirations or goals. You've got a lot on your plate and you're spreading yourself too thin. Take care of yourself.

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Well, we both were problematic on hindsight, I am thinking we both played a bad part in it.

 

She was trying to fix me and vice-versa.

Thanks to you all I got to realize it's not black and white.

 

I believe the break-up was a good call after all.

 

It's just out of this world to go through this considering how communicative we used to be.

 

 

I hope everyone has a good day. Thank you, deeply.

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Tough stuff to go through during a tough time in the world.

 

All that said? I think this can be a truly wonderful juncture in your life, if you can approach it with humility. What does that look like? It means accepting this is over, that it never quite worked, and that the answer to your pain right now isn't getting her back. Instead, it means leaning into this as a bit of a wake-up call, as it sounds like you're doing, and going about the business of addressing what needs to be addressed, in you, so you can be the sort of man—alone in your skin, alongside the skin of another—that you want to be.

 

It will not be with her. That is hard, I know, but it's a hard, human feeling that you can feel your way through. You are in good human company on that journey. In doing just that—rather than in making this all about finding away to reenter the hall of mirrors that was this relationship—you will grow, authentically. You will thank yourself for this moment, and you'll thank her, in the privacy of your mind, both for the time you shared and the awakenings triggered by that time.

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She stopped hanging out with her male friends out of respect for me and she would send me pictures of herself whenever she was out to reassure me.

- Okay, this should NOT be necessary.. is called trust.. If you don;t have it.. no good.

 

Was a HUGE challenge on your behalf... the uncertainty, the distance etc... right?

 

Since ever YOUR trust was affected- did it in. Not repairable.

 

I told her I wanted to break-up with her since I found out she had deleted some messages from someone she was in contact with before, since that person previously made a move on her (but he is now married, and pretty sure it's purely platonic), she said she erased it out of fear of me getting angry, the thing is the act of erasing it drove me nuts, not whatever the content would have been.

- At this point, this is on you... You started making her life a real challenge... she was NOT doing anything wrong..

So, all because she messed up that first time you found something out- It has been laying heavily on you.

- No trust.. not gonna work!

 

I want to become a better boyfriend, fix myself as a man, and get her back

- I doubt this is possible.. the damages are done.

 

Yes, carry on with the therapy- you need to work through a lot of issue's you've got.

You need to stay away from her now.. focus on YOU. YOu will not do anyone any good, if this is who you have become.

 

And we cannot get over someone if we won;t let go.

For your own good, go No contact... and keep going. This is long past done.. Now, you need to work on your healing & accepting.. Keep up with this therapy.

 

IMO, you two are both a little.. lost. Is just not good for either.

Dont even think about this future with her. Will not do either of you any good again.

 

 

Focus on YOU now... that's it!

Accept. Heal. Move on.

One day at a time.

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sometimes you have to be realistic. Appreciate what was good and the lessons learned and let go.

 

You sound like you have some growing and work to do on yourself and with that some understanding of what a healthy relationship with boundaries truly is.

 

Most people have these toxic relationships in their past on the way to doing better in the next one. Sometimes we must leave a situation for the greater good of both people.

 

That's my advice. Focus on personal growth. A better person, a better man, a better partner for YOURSELF and your future.

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You need to work on yourself, before getting into any type of relationship. Stop all the gaming and work on getting a job and finding local friends to interact with.

 

This relationship was a disaster from the beginning. Block and delete.

 

Others cannot make you whole.

Edited by Hollyj
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Well, we both were problematic on hindsight, I am thinking we both played a bad part in it My opinion's always been that people who seek out or accept long distance, online romances aren't fully whole in themselves enough to seek out more realistic, local dating opportunities. This is a prime example of how you two found yourselves in this predicament.

 

There are so many resources you should be seeking out right now and put romance aside. Job placement help centers. A life coach. Continuing therapy. Volunteering in a venue that might end up in employment there, or give you important work experience for elsewhere. Get a hobby besides gaming, where you're in the presence of people in 3D. Limit your gaming to something like one hour per day and never again pursue romance long distance--the hardest form of dating there is.

 

When you have a good job, a hobby you can be passionate about, and a support system of friends and family, you will probably be ready to date. Meetup.com is a good place to start. It's less stressful than online dating. Good luck and keep us updated.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Hello everyone! A quick update, things are going way better.

 

I've been working on a lot of projects and although it's a messy construct at the moment, I think I'm slowly moving to where I want.

 

 

I want to just make a side note, that yes, that relationship was a disaster, we both were in bad spots in our lives but I guess we both are people who get lost in ideals.

Two people on the other side of the world, trying to make it work and being best friends and lovers, the meetings were amazing and it felt like we were both discovering a totally foreign world when meeting each other. We both were artists in our core, her pursuing graphic arts and me music. She was always surprising me with new things to do (she would bring crayons to teach me about colors, water paints, even clay sculpting!) and we both stared at the world with unending curiosity when with each other.

She even was planning to move out to my country as soon as she could (I was at first skeptic of her reasoning behind it, but she instantly took a small job that made her able to fly abroad here and there to meet me, which still surprises me, thinking about how ressourceful she was), but at the time I failed in telling her I thought things were moving too fast, since I didn't figure what the weird feeling was at the time.

 

I think over the time of our relationship, both break-ups made us realize we could have been better to each other. Even though it was dysfunctional, I now deeply appreciate my ex, not that she was a perfect person in any way, shape or form (neither am I), but in that break-up I also realized my flaws and mistakes and how I acted in relationships.

 

 

I might be seeing things through rose-tinted glasses, but to me the first half of our relationship was both of us being immature, the second one it just enabled me to be a terrible person due to my insecurity and lack of trust from her previous actions, yet now thinking back at it, she became the most supportive and caring girlfriend I ever had (albeit she still was overly clingy and wouldn't understand healthy boundaries, but at the same time, neither did I).

 

If anything, I regret not knowing more about breaking up with someone in a healthier way, I ressorted to demeaning her, ignoring all attempts she gave at being cared for and stopped compromising for her, she was probably feeling guilt tripped all along, I really regret hurting her that way.

In retrospect, the cheating made me think she was another person than she was, she is actually a really sweet and highly sensitive person, but her dishonesty stuck to me and I never could have seen her the same, to the point I ended up treating her with only contempt and disrespect, it really enabled a ty side of me I never want to put anyone, or myself, through again.

 

I've been thinking of recontacting her and telling her about all this, mending what we have, not to get back together, but to be able to support each other as friends, since in my book, she is still the person who nudged me towards my passions, even if at the time I was too miserable and self-absorbed, pitying myself to even try to get out of my shell.

Yet I feel like the best form of thanking her is giving her the space to work on herself, and move on. I still gave her the option to reach out further down the line so we could get in contact, in a hopefully, healthier way.

 

I am not looking for anything romantic with her, I just honestly think we'd have been better off as friends than lovers.

I just would be disappointed if in the end all the supportive behaviour was just a result of her being attached to me, since I know we both could use all the support we could get to start off on our projects.

 

 

I am no longer looking to date anyone exclusively (or even to date at all to that matter, being alone never bothered me since I love the person I can be at times), I couldn't stand to play any game ever since we broke up, I actually always had a lot of hobbies (drawing, various instruments and more) and I am working out again. I'm aiming for studies and learning more about everything. I might also be in an amateur garage band shortly, which I always was a bit iffy about.

 

It also pushed me towards getting therapy, taking back singing lessons and also Coach Corey Wayne's channel and books, which are really helping me making sense out of myself and others, and finally made me realize that understanding relationships might be a skill to develop too.

 

Again, take it with a grain of salt, but I really want to stress at how amazed I am at the change my ex did in her behaviour, and I have enough time apart from her to notice that she understood me better than any person I have ever met. I do not know what she did to herself, and although I still think we were uncompatible and her past behaviours were unforgivable in my eyes, I have never seen someone grow and change that much for me. I know that there are plenty of fish in the sea, plenty of opportunities and I always had a longing for meeting new partners, but I am still amazed by that one person. Even in the break-up she told me to follow the dreams I had, and that she loved me.

 

I never thought I'd say that but I'm nothing but thankful for the disaster of a relationship we had. That even in the break-up it was a learning experience. I wish I could thank her and help her the same way she helped me figure myself out.

 

But since I think it should happen on her own terms and she probably won't reach out for a while (I really treated her badly, and I am still feeling guilty for it), I'll just go ahead and thank everyone who replied in this thread.

 

Thank you. I may not be able to do much in return but be grateful. Thanks to everyone who replied to me when I reached out.

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No. You are too fresh out of the break up and it was only a month since the earlier post/start of the thread. Don't contact her for support. You're still in a vulnerable state and you have her on a pedestal also. There are too many red flags in your writing. I'm sorry to say this.

 

Stand on your own two feet for a few years before thinking of reconnecting with this person as 'friends'. It's not a good idea to reach out for support. Find support through actual friends and family, platonic relationships. Don't self-sabotage. Leave yourself space and breathing room to grow independently forwards.

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I wanted to rephrase, I am not going to ask her for support, it'd be a nicely added bonus, as I really have an issue where people compliment me but only her took the actual time to get behind my thought process in creating something (I can't explain, and no, this is not an afterthought, I really felt like it was genuine at the time).

 

Could you point me out to the red flags though? I am curious, for right now, I genuinely believe that she turned around for the second part of our relationship.

If it wasn't for the dishonesty (due to being afraid of consequences of her actions), she showed the first time around. I honestly think I'm just accepting of her shortcomings and nature as of right now, I am still hesitant on being friends with her due to it.

 

I feel like I am stable and on my own two feet, if anything I wouldn't care less if she has a boyfriend at this point, I really just wish for her to heal up and move on. If anything, that would bring me closure and a reminder to be more careful for the signs, and confirm whether she changed or it was just a façade.

If she actually did change at all.

 

But I'm more than interested in your opinion, everything helps me understanding myself and the situation better. Thank you

 

I already took the time to grieve, mourn and became closer to my family during all this time, I think I can tolerate anything going my way.

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The best gift you can give yourself now is you. The moment you start shifting your focus to your life is when you actually find happiness. The more you dwell on the past, what worked or not , more you will be attached to that person. Let her go shift your focus to yourself. Some relationship start good turn toxic due to various reasons, learn to let go else you end up hurting yourself in the process.

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