Should I date him?

[melancholy123]

You seem to be looking down on this guy! There's nothing shabby about a bachelor of science degree.

 

If you cant see him as some sort of equal to you, and not a lesser person, then dont date him. I think you are quite judgemental about this man who, to me, sounds like a good guy.

[Celine2]

He's sounds like a great guy, they are hard to find nowadays. If I were you, I'd go on a date and see how it goes. You never know, it could be wonderful.

 

Yes Sherry, I also think that he is a really good guy, from what I have seen and what I have heard. My concern is, from what I have observed, is that we have different passions in life apart from our desire to have stability and a family...

[Celine2]

Blind dates and fix ups are fraught with issues. Perhaps your family just wanted you to move on or finally find someone.

 

Go out as a group if you want to. But you seem to be searching for disqualifiers already. Decide if that is because you don't want to date or you don't want to date a friend of a family member or if you don't want to date him in particular.

 

I know... I guess it is due to all the bad experiences I have had... I may make another thread to explain about it... it may come from that and I do not recognise it unconsciously..

[Celine2]

In my experience - including of other people I know blind dates and set ups are one of the best ways to meet people. I know of so many happy marriages- and for me, happy relationships -that started that way. If the people arranging the match know and care about the people it may not work but it's a great way to try. I set people up regularly. Been doing so for about 37 years, on and off.

 

I hear you Batya, setting people up is great and works pretty well a lot of times! And it is common in all cultures.

[Celine2]

You seem to be looking down on this guy! There's nothing shabby about a bachelor of science degree.

 

If you cant see him as some sort of equal to you, and not a lesser person, then dont date him. I think you are quite judgemental about this man who, to me, sounds like a good guy.

 

I have already explained, I honestly do not see him as a lesser person, we just seem to have different passions. For instance, he doesn't read books as I have heard him say in gatherings, this is something I do all the time... Otherwise, he is a great human being, compassionate, nice, well-behaved... I am just wondering if it can be an obstacle in the relationship or if it is worth to compromise ...

 

Needless to say, I have gone out with very well-read men who have turned out to be personality-wise total jerks...

[Rose Mosse]

Celine, do you sort of like him already? I only ask as there's a lot of thought going into this. It's ok if you have a private crush on him but it might be good to recognize beforehand so that you're aware of your feelings before you start talking with him more. You can check yourself as you go or acknowledge what you feel towards this person versus what he's proving himself to be over time. I'm curious also if he's been in any long term relationships before.

 

You'll never really know someone until you give it time. Sometimes it's not a matter of someone being a jerk or uneducated. He could be both or neither or dealing with untreated mental health issues. There's any number of reasons why someone isn't what they originally present themselves to be.

[Wiseman2]

If he's not your type or you are too apprehensive, simply tell your brother dating one of his friends is too complicated.

[SherrySher]

Every person has their own interests. Their own friends, their own hobbies, etc. It all depends on if you want a partner who shares the same as you, or if you are okay with a partner who has different passions/interests than yours.

 

For instance, you can have two people who are homebodies and low key, enjoy a more quieter setting but have vastly different interests, hobbies, etc. If they both do their own thing, but can come together and discuss their own interests/hobbies with their spouse and genuinely enjoy hearing about the other ones hobbies, then it works out really well.

Not only do you learn from each other, but you open both of your worlds up for one another.

 

However, if you have two people who have no interest in talking to one another about the other ones interests and you want a partner who shares the same interests as you do, then it wouldn't work.

 

I still opt to give this guy a chance. A couple dates don't lock you in for marriage. It's just going for a meal and having a chat, if nothing else, you can become friends.

[Celine2]

Celine, do you sort of like him already? I only ask as there's a lot of thought going into this. It's ok if you have a private crush on him but it might be good to recognize beforehand so that you're aware of your feelings before you start talking with him more. You can check yourself as you go or acknowledge what you feel towards this person versus what he's proving himself to be over time. I'm curious also if he's been in any long term relationships before.

 

You'll never really know someone until you give it time. Sometimes it's not a matter of someone being a jerk or uneducated. He could be both or neither or dealing with untreated mental health issues. There's any number of reasons why someone isn't what they originally present themselves to be.

 

Rose, to answer your question, yea I like him as he is a nice sweet man and it is really hard to find a good man or woman these days especially among people of my generation... To answer your other question, it was interesting that you asked but yes he has been in one long term relationship and was about to marry his fiancée when they broke up about a year ago... it was the girl who broke up.

[Celine2]

If he's not your type or you are too apprehensive, simply tell your brother dating one of his friends is too complicated.

 

Maybe apprehensive because of a past bad experience...

[Celine2]

Every person has their own interests. Their own friends, their own hobbies, etc. It all depends on if you want a partner who shares the same as you, or if you are okay with a partner who has different passions/interests than yours.

 

For instance, you can have two people who are homebodies and low key, enjoy a more quieter setting but have vastly different interests, hobbies, etc. If they both do their own thing, but can come together and discuss their own interests/hobbies with their spouse and genuinely enjoy hearing about the other ones hobbies, then it works out really well.

Not only do you learn from each other, but you open both of your worlds up for one another.

 

However, if you have two people who have no interest in talking to one another about the other ones interests and you want a partner who shares the same interests as you do, then it wouldn't work.

 

I still opt to give this guy a chance. A couple dates don't lock you in for marriage. It's just going for a meal and having a chat, if nothing else, you can become friends.

 

Sherry, thank you. What you describe here sounds realistic...

 

I do admit however that I am clearly attracted to men who know how to converse, with whom I can have nice discussions and learn from...

[bluecastle]

Maybe apprehensive because of a past bad experience...

 

I'm sorry about this bad experience, whatever it was.

 

It also might be something to spend some time confronting, processing, and letting go of, so the experiment of connecting with new people is not so fraught, so your past is not steering the ship of your present and future. Be it an instinct to write him off based on your imagining of his conversational prowess before spending even an hour with him, or to self-identify as someone part of a "generation" lacking in "good" people, I just can't help but get the impression that you're pretty hardwired to assess people negatively, skeptically.

 

A couple of dates with someone not only doesn't lock you into marriage, as Sherry said, but it doesn't even lock you into dating someone. Sure, there is a certain comfort of control that you may get from being able to imagine all the ways something won't work, but it might be worth asking if cultivating that sense of control is at odds with the kinds of connections you ultimately want to be integral to your life.

 

With that in mind, I'd reframe your question in the title here, so instead of "Should I date him?" it reads "Should I go on a date with him?" There's no wrong answer, but perhaps in thinking of it like that—one date, which might lead to another, which might lead to who knows what—will alleviate some of the pressure and make this more about the present tense than the past.

[Rose Mosse]

Rose, to answer your question, yea I like him as he is a nice sweet man and it is really hard to find a good man or woman these days especially among people of my generation... To answer your other question, it was interesting that you asked but yes he has been in one long term relationship and was about to marry his fiancée when they broke up about a year ago... it was the girl who broke up.

 

I like to think of it as people you can tolerate more and people you can tolerate less of. It's a gradient of sorts. Eventually you'll find someone you can tolerate and like quite a bit but that person will also have flaws and those flaws have to be tolerable at the very least. It helps if you have similar values.

 

Do you both have a date yet?

[Celine2]

I'm sorry about this bad experience, whatever it was.

 

It also might be something to spend some time confronting, processing, and letting go of, so the experiment of connecting with new people is not so fraught, so your past is not steering the ship of your present and future. Be it an instinct to write him off based on your imagining of his conversational prowess before spending even an hour with him, or to self-identify as someone part of a "generation" lacking in "good" people, I just can't help but get the impression that you're pretty hardwired to assess people negatively, skeptically.

 

Thank you Bluecastle. I don't know why you get the impression that I assess people negatively but allow me to tell you that it's not true at all. I know he has developed feelings for me over the years and is a rather sensitive guy so saying no to him might hurt as well...

 

A couple of dates with someone not only doesn't lock you into marriage, as Sherry said, but it doesn't even lock you into dating someone. Sure, there is a certain comfort of control that you may get from being able to imagine all the ways something won't work, but it might be worth asking if cultivating that sense of control is at odds with the kinds of connections you ultimately want to be integral to your life.

 

This is a very interesting take... Thank you. I hadn't looked at it this way :)

 

With that in mind, I'd reframe your question in the title here, so instead of "Should I date him?" it reads "Should I go on a date with him?" There's no wrong answer, but perhaps in thinking of it like that—one date, which might lead to another, which might lead to who knows what—will alleviate some of the pressure and make this more about the present tense than the past.

 

The title you suggest is in fact much better...

[Celine2]

I like to think of it as people you can tolerate more and people you can tolerate less of. It's a gradient of sorts. Eventually you'll find someone you can tolerate and like quite a bit but that person will also have flaws and those flaws have to be tolerable at the very least. It helps if you have similar values.

 

Do you both have a date yet?

 

No Rose, not yet :) As I explained earlier, he has expressed his general sentiments for me and his interest in dating me to my brother over the last years... He has not said anything directly to me, my brother says if he brings it up again, he can tell him to go ahead with the idea and that he will be more than happy to do that...

[Celine2]

Dear, if you like him - just date him. It he will act like an idiot - you will drop him

 

Thank you John!