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Ups and struggling with mostly down moments


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My gf(26f) and I (28m) have been together 2 years this year. The last 3/4 months have been incredibly difficult with covid 19 and being in separate households. We haven't seen each other till recent due to lockdown and that was a great time!

 

Sadly a majority of our time is talking through calls and messaging daily, or gaming together which has really helped through covid.

 

How ever the good times seem to be out weighed by a lot of down days due to the following of which some issues go back before covid.

- She will return from work angry and upset.

- Her mum will do something to anger her or put her down knocking her confidence.

- Social media for her personal work will bring her down resulting in frustration.

- Or I will do something that will anger her such as not communicating properly even the smallest of things.

 

When these happen she tends to be angry or silent, meaning I'll be listening to her about the problem which tend to be the same issues she's annoyed by, but I cannot suggest a solution or that angers her more, by the time you've heard it 10 times you can't help but wanna suggest. I've even had the "this relationship isn't working I'm done", thrown at me several times which feels like cry wolf and end up as empty threats.

 

I feel sorry for her as she works in a job that she has no interest in and clearly lacks a lot of confidence in herself physically and in her work.

I'll compliment her on her looks as well as be happy to buy underwear or clothes. She's mentioned gym in the past but never pushed herself to go. I even said I'd go or as recent we could go for runs together as a nice thing to do, but that is always met with it being brushed off.

 

She doesn't have many friends, is very quick to judge people and refuses to then speak to them at the slightest of faults. Meaning she doesn't have many people to talk to as she closes a lot of doors.

We are both different in that I work full time in a job I enjoy, have a project outside of work I'm passionate about and have friends to talk or game with. Any goal I set is met with me going at it, while she will tend to delay or push it off till it's too late. This goes for job applications or anything.

 

I feel like I'm struggling to hold things together, trying to keep positive or help her out any way I can just seems to be a temporary fix. It's upsetting and now I feel it affects me more than ever with even talking to her as I'm trying to have fun or brighten the day I'll be met with blunt comments but when I do get her to laugh it's a great time. I do get messages from her in the week when she's happy that she misses me but if she's in a bad mood you can't expect much. You can see how this all starts to build up.

 

Thanks for your time

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Me and my husband crack a beer and each grumbles/vents for about 10 mins when we get home from work. That's all it takes, and we are fine. Here's my advice: Have an agreement between you two...if one of ya is having a bad day just say so. Everyone backs off and let the other decompress in your/their own way like asking for space or whatever. And TBH you don't have to talk to each other everyday. It's nice to have time to yourself.

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Mostly customers and staff she works with especially when she works retail in this situation. Her mum will do things that annoy her to which she doesn't bring up or take control of but lets her carry on. She holds on to a lot and is quite an emotion person that struggles to let go or even small things.

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What you are failing to grasp is that she likes being the way she is and it works for her.

 

She doesn't want your advice, because she only wants to rage. She is not looking to actually fix or change anything.

 

It may be impossible for you to grasp this as you sound polar opposites personality wise, but some people actually like being miserable and they will never ever change because of that. When you walk away, she'll just find another victim to suck the life out of and whine and rage at.

 

The real question is what are you getting out of this relationship and what do you enjoy about being someone's punching bag?

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What you are failing to grasp is that she likes being the way she is and it works for her.

 

She doesn't want your advice, because she only wants to rage. She is not looking to actually fix or change anything.

 

It may be impossible for you to grasp this as you sound polar opposites personality wise, but some people actually like being miserable and they will never ever change because of that. When you walk away, she'll just find another victim to suck the life out of and whine and rage at.

 

The real question is what are you getting out of this relationship and what do you enjoy about being someone's punching bag?

 

I wonder the same things. I think she needs some counselling to get to the bottom of her anger and resolve it as nobody should be living this way. One day you will have had enough and move on from her.

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Honestly man I usually don't ask this exact question but it's been in my head all day. Surprise (sarcasm)as soon as I get out of work she's miserable with work left early due to not feeling well. So I ask if she's off tomorrow to take a day for herself and relax, enjoy herself. Gives me one word answer of "right" so I just left her to it.

 

She's beautiful, great fun to play video games with and have a laugh when she's happy. As we are both hugely into films and games etc. But since this attitude I get to experience that side of her maybe 2-3 times a week. Need to do some looking at myself and this relationship I think.

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Well she obviously not happy with her life or is she just not a happy person? You have to want to be with the person you are with and not the person you wish to were. You know?

 

A bad attitude, miserable outlook and overall Debbie downer gets old super quick. My mother, I love her. She's my mum but her go to emotion is annoyed or how she got slighted... Fortunately, I take after my dad. Lol. I don't know how he tolerates it.... Day in day out... Everyone and everything is wrong. And even when I try to listen to her, it's like she's so mad about it. I am like gosh.... Can't you just deal with your life, even one little thing....

 

Think about it.... She probably won't change. She may have that victim mentality, this could be her personality and it may never change. Some people can only express thru anger....

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Well she obviously not happy with her life or is she just not a happy person? You have to want to be with the person you are with and not the person you wish to were. You know?

 

A bad attitude, miserable outlook and overall Debbie downer gets old super quick. My mother, I love her. She's my mum but her go to emotion is annoyed or how she got slighted... Fortunately, I take after my dad. Lol. I don't know how he tolerates it.... Day in day out... Everyone and everything is wrong. And even when I try to listen to her, it's like she's so mad about it. I am like gosh.... Can't you just deal with your life, even one little thing....

 

Think about it.... She probably won't change. She may have that victim mentality, this could be her personality and it may never change. Some people can only express thru anger....

 

Honestly this is her in a nutshell. She probably won't and the more I think, the closer she is towards being like her mum with constantly seeing the bad in things or picking holes. Her mum's been single for a very long time because of it...

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All adult relationships being voluntary, my private rule for any relationship is that it needs to add something positive to my life. Otherwise, I'm better off without it. This doesn't mean that I ditch people I love over an occasional hiccup, but I'm not signing on to play perpetual therapist or social worker--especially with someone who insists on being miserable and dumping that misery on me.

 

I'd tell GF that I adore her, but I haven't been happy with our relationship lately, and I feel taken for granted. That's why I'm walking away while we both still think highly of one another. She gets to decide how she wants to manage her problems and whether she wants to adopt optimism as a private goal even while seeking professional help to manage her anger and resentments. If she ever reaches a point where she believes that she can bring some joy and optimism to the table and wants to try partnering in a positive way, she can let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish her the best.

 

Boom, done. You're leaving the door open to any potential in the future, but it's up to her whether she wants to bring anything of value to a relationship. If not, then you've dodged a bullet.

 

Life is short, and we never get any wasted time back again for do-overs.

 

Head high.

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