What do I do about my fiancee's female bff

[boltnrun]

Interesting that the OP has not responded...

 

If you are are in fact reading the replies you have received from some very experienced people I would hope you would engage in the conversation because the path you are on is full of frustration and heartache.

 

Lost

 

She has not been back since she posted the OP. No responses have been read.

 

I hope she at least comes back to read since everyone has put in so much effort in responding.

[Rose Mosse]

Sometimes people take time. It was just yesterday. She may be thinking on her own or occupied with work or other things. I'm sure she'll be back in a few days to read or respond. If she doesn't respond, that's her choice too. Maybe it is too painful right now.

[abitbroken]

Okay, i was married to one on of these men.

 

If she confessed to him and he said "i love you only as a friend. I can see that you want more, and since i do not, i think its cruel to be friends with you, so i think we should go our separate ways" that's one thing, but he didn't. so therefore, he is not a decent man. He is getting his ego stroked. She DOES want him and he is doing nothing to dissuade her. Did you actually move near eachother or are you long distance dating? If you do not live in the same town by now, I would break the engagement right now. You have no idea about what other murky boundaries he has -- he could be bailing out his male friends, paying his mom's or his brother's bills, etc, and all stuff you don't know about.

 

Do not marry him. You don't know what kind of misery that will come up because even if THIS BFF gives up, another will surface.

 

BTW, i am tired of people saying rude people are "gaslighting" the other party. If someone says "i don't feel comfortable about this" and the other person says "i am comfortable with this and here is why.." it means that the person is rude or has shifty values. I really doubt he is cheating physically. I think he has NO ÇLUE what emotional cheating is and many people don't. I was gaslighted -- paintings would disappear off the walls of my house while i was out and end up at my in-laws and everyone else would say "what? we have always had that painting" or "what? you gave it to me. You said you were sick of it when we were over for Christmas" . And everyone corroborated the story. I thought i was losing my every loving mind

[cbuggs18]

Hi everyone!

 

I want to thank you all so much for your responses. I'm not sure why it wasn't showing that I looked at the responses, but I did. I read through everyone's responses, and considered everyone's advice.

 

To clarify some things:

1) We are in no rush to get married. The LDR has definitely made a few situations more complicated than traditional relationships. We have our own lives in our cities, with our own careers and families which makes it very difficult for one of us to uproot everything and begin our life together anytime soon. I'm locked into a contract with my job, and recently purchased a house. I was born and raised in this city, my entire family is here. I'm terrified of change, but I'm willing to move there with him if we figure a few things out first, especially this issue with his "friend".

2) The letter was written when they first met in high school. He told her that he didnt feel the same way and kept his space. Two years later, she reached out to him when they both were going through horrible things in their lives. She had a boyfriend at the time, and expressed that she no longer had feelings. They continued checking in, and that's what allowed their friendship to grow.

 

After reading all of your incredible responses, I reached out to my fianceé last night to talk. We had a long conversation, over eight exhausting, emotional hours. I was very blunt with my feelings towards his friend. I understand that they've been there for each other during a horrible points of their lives when I was unable to be there, so asking him to cut her out completely is something that he will have to decide. His decisions and actions are going to determine our future.

 

I let him know how disrespectful it is for to know my feelings about her, yet continue to joke about me hating her and making excuses for her. I drew out the lines that I am comfortable with. I let him know that both of them have been disrespectful to our relationship- her by crossing lines and him for allowing it/ making excuses. I let him know that I will not tolerate it anymore, and that if it continues he WILL lose me.

 

He apologized profusely, and said he really didnt realize that I felt disrespected. I know how that sounds, I didnt buy it either! As far as some of his past inapproproate actions- buying emergency contraception, telling her about the proposal first, going to fancy dinners- he explained that he has no romantic feelings for her. He sees her as the sibling that he never had. I let him know that they are two grown ass adults, if she can't afford a baby or the contraception, she needs to change her life style or learn how to manage her own money. He isn't close with his parents, so now I can see why he chose to tell her about the proposal. The dinners will always be an issue for me, and how much time they spend together. I let him know that it needs to change.

 

I feel like there was a lot of miscommunications in the past with my feelings. I was sugar coating things. Now that I have put everything out there, he seems to understand. He assured me that he will keep her at a distance, and will enforce my boundaries. If she won't listen, he said he will cut her out of his life.

 

I'm not 100% over this, but I feel like this has now been well communicated with my partner. I sincerely hope that we will have no further issues with this friend. However, if things do not change, and I still feel disrespected by him I am definitely prepared to walk away from him and this dysfunctional dynamic they have, no matter how difficult it may be. I deserve respect.

 

Thank you all again so much!

 

Cbuggs

[Seraphim]

You did GREAT! Stick to your boundaries!

[Wiseman2]

It may be best to find a local man. He will just hide things more. You are wasting your time if you want a future, happy life and a loyal responsible partner. Do not uproot your life for this jerk.

I'm locked into a contract with my job, and recently purchased a house. I was born and raised in this city, my entire family is here.

[cbuggs18]

We ended up talking last night, and I was very blunt with my feelings and opinions. He seemed to understand where I was coming from. He assured me that he will will make changes, and if not I will walk away.

[boltnrun]

Do you think you were minimizing your feelings about this "friend" in order to keep him, not upset him or trying to be the "cool girlfriend "?

 

How much time do you spend together in person currently?

[Eliza50]

The thing is that he can tell you whatever you want to hear and continue seeing her, too. It's not like you live together. Please, be careful.

[Lambert]

the thing that would concern me is " she is the sibling he never had"

 

I have siblings. And I have very close friends that are like family to me... but there is a compleyely different dynamic to a sibling. A best friend, while, yes, I would do anything for them.

 

My siblings are my siblings for life. Nothing changes a sibling. Even when we are mad at each other or if we stopped speaking.... Nothing changes that. The obligation and the extent of the relationship is completely different

 

So he basically, said, this girl is here to stay.

 

But he wanted to appease you by saying he'll handle it.

 

Not likely.

 

This girl is only going to double down and the physical distance between you is not goung to work in your favor. Based on the inapprpriate comments she has so easily said to you, I think there is no limit to how she'll stoop.

 

Some people love the challenge, love the drama and its not as hurtful to them. Because your guy is an object. Like a dog with a bone. She doesn't care if she breaks the bone pulling it in a tug of war.

 

You are being much more cautious, much more reasonable bc you have more to lose. I think you are making a strategic mistake allowing him to handle this and keep the friendship & you.

 

You are only prolonging the eventual fear that he may choose her... If you're honest, there is some fear in you. Once this gurl hears what you guys discussed and believe me she will. She will be pumping him with all kinds of ammo against you.

 

I would make him choose today. End the friendship today.

 

Never let another person be your mates therapist about your relationship. Problems are private between the two of you only and worked on within those private boundaries that you share.

[cbuggs18]

Do you think you were minimizing your feelings about this "friend" in order to keep him, not upset him or trying to be the "cool girlfriend "?

 

How much time do you spend together in person currently?

 

Definitely. In past relationships, my insecurities have gotten the best of me and have been the reason why relationships ended.

 

We usually see each other in person about every 4 months. When we do, we're usually together almost 24/7

[cbuggs18]

You are being much more cautious, much more reasonable bc you have more to lose. I think you are making a strategic mistake allowing him to handle this and keep the friendship & you.

 

You are only prolonging the eventual fear that he may choose her... If you're honest, there is some fear in you. Once this gurl hears what you guys discussed and believe me she will. She will be pumping him with all kinds of ammo against you.

 

I would make him choose today. End the friendship today.

 

Never let another person be your mates therapist about your relationship. Problems are private between the two of you only and worked on within those private boundaries that you share.

 

 

I'm being very cautious, I feel like what we have is very special, and different from anything I've experienced. I dont want to throw out all those years of memories. Although I'm sure he would choose me if it came down to it, I wouldn't want him to resent me for making him make that choice. I agree that what we talk about is private, and fortunately he has not crossed those boundaries yet (that I know of).

 

I think I'm worried that I look like a fool for wasting time on him/us if we dont work out, eventhough I'm sure I already look like one for allowing this to go on for so long.

[boltnrun]

Definitely. In past relationships, my insecurities have gotten the best of me and have been the reason why relationships ended.

 

We usually see each other in person about every 4 months. When we do, we're usually together almost 24/7

 

So you've only seen each other in person 6 times over the past 2 years?

 

How frequently does this "friend" spend time with him?

[cbuggs18]

Yes only 6 times, but they're usually 10 to 14 day visits. I've recently started having health issues, and the last time I got sick he dropped everything, and stayed with me to take care of me, my dog and the house until I was well again.

 

When we first started dating, they were together three to four times a week. Now it's one or two times a month.

[abitbroken]

I was very blunt with my feelings towards his friend. I understand that they've been there for each other during a horrible points of their lives when I was unable to be there, so asking him to cut her out completely is something that he will have to decide. His decisions and actions are going to determine our future.

 

I

 

Do you mean during your relationship or way before he met you? She IS waiting in the wings for him, he is not "like a brother"

 

Good for you!!

 

it would have been incredibly sweet if he told your dad about his intent to propose before he did, his grandma or his brother, but not some chick who he buys plan B for.

 

Also, what about the other statement - he is not close to his family. Does that mean that they are estranged? You might want to explore why. you seem like you are close to yours. When someone is not close to any of theirs and has a different family style, its worth investigating. My cousin married a guy who wasn't close to his family - not by his choosing and he fully embraced our family as the family he always longed to have, but another married a guy who wasn't close -- and it turned out he wasn't close because he was an a hole to them and once she divorced him, his family was ready to support her and the grandkids with open arms. These are things you cannot know spending "vacations" with him.

 

If you just bought a house, have strong ties to the area and a contract with work, there is no WAY I would move for him. He moves to YOU and away from the girl if you marry. But the other factor is, this guy should be eager to close the gap, not let a relationship go on forever long distance and i don't see that.

[Lambert]

I'm being very cautious, I feel like what we have is very special, and different from anything I've experienced. I dont want to throw out all those years of memories. Although I'm sure he would choose me if it came down to it, I wouldn't want him to resent me for making him make that choice. I agree that what we talk about is private, and fortunately he has not crossed those boundaries yet (that I know of).

 

I think I'm worried that I look like a fool for wasting time on him/us if we dont work out, eventhough I'm sure I already look like one for allowing this to go on for so long. are being much more cautious, much more reasonable bc you have more to lose. I think you are making a strategic mistake allowing him to handle this and keep the friendship & you.

 

 

 

 

Seeing it from the outside, I wonder if your insecurities are what make you comfortable in a LDR, with visits only 3 times a year, engaged, but no hurry to marry, curcumstances keep you planted in your town (signed contract with work & bought a home in your separate city.)

 

You have a fiance on paper, over the phone etc but you don't have the intimacy of a true committed relationship. You're not living your lives together. All the ups, the downs and the mundane. Nothing replaces in person. Especially, for extended periods like 4 months.

 

For his side, he meets his companionship needs with her. You just have the ring.

 

If you broke up, you'd miss having someone in your mind, the security that someone cares what's happening to you, a phone call, but you wouldn't miss taco night or folding laundry together or whatever....

 

It could be you like your life alone, but dont want to appear to be alone. As hard as this is to hear, these are the stark realities. how special could this be? No effort to be an actual full time couple is made. How could you know him? you know what he tells you.

 

However, with all this said, it means nothing if this relationship is the way you want it. In some ways, he probably is lonely.... and she fills that need. From what you've said, its almost like you are the third wheel and she's just waiting it out.

 

Maybe she us pushing you, because sge knows he isnt happy.... This might be completely wrong. Just trying to give you things to consider. If i were him and I asked you to marry me, I'd want to be with you.... but if your loosey goosey....

[cbuggs18]

"it would have been incredibly sweet if he told your dad about his intent to propose before he did, his grandma or his brother, but not some chick who he buys plan B for.

 

Also, what about the other statement - he is not close to his family. Does that mean that they are estranged? "

 

So the night before he proposed, he said he was going to the store for me, when in reality he went to my parent's house to talk to them in person and ask for their blessing.

 

His relationship with his parents is more like friends/ room mates. They dont have a typical relationship. They didnt celebrate holidays or birthdays.He met up with them and told them when he got home, and his parents called to welcome me to the family.

 

He longs for the type of family dynamic I grew up with, and said that when we have kids, we will make it a big deal so that they can have what he didnt.

[DancingFool]

"it would have been incredibly sweet if he told your dad about his intent to propose before he did, his grandma or his brother, but not some chick who he buys plan B for.

 

Also, what about the other statement - he is not close to his family. Does that mean that they are estranged? "

 

So the night before he proposed, he said he was going to the store for me, when in reality he went to my parent's house to talk to them in person and ask for their blessing.

 

His relationship with his parents is more like friends/ room mates. They dont have a typical relationship. They didnt celebrate holidays or birthdays.He met up with them and told them when he got home, and his parents called to welcome me to the family.

 

He longs for the type of family dynamic I grew up with, and said that when we have kids, we will make it a big deal so that they can have what he didnt.

 

If that's all really true then he should be moving to you, your life, your family, your home and so on. You shouldn't be dismantling your life to be with him, he should be eager to do what he claims he wants so much and moving to you. Also, if/when you have children it makes sense for you to be close to your family for help.

 

In honesty, there is nothing to do now but wait and see if things change, change temporarily, or not at all. I hope you mean it that you are prepared to walk away if things relapse to same old triangle.

 

My biggest personal concern is that how his friends treat you, talk to you is a direct reflection of how he talks about you behind your back. He is too old to claim that he had no idea he is being disrespectful. Beware.

[cbuggs18]

Yes, the LDR has made me comfortable. I feel like getting to know him slowly allowed me to let down my walls in a way that I never have before.

 

It is hard though, I crave to have a normal relationship with him- movie nights on the couch, cooking dinner together, folding laundry. All of that.

 

My contact is ending in six months for work, and I purchased the house before he proposed. As much as I want him to move here, so I can be near my family, my career is the one that would allow me to easily relocate if I needed to.

[Wiseman2]

Who does he live with? Can he relocate to you? Why are there no realistic plans to close the gap?

His relationship with his parents is more like friends/ roommates. Growing up, they didnt go to family functions, celebrate holidays or birthdays.

[cbuggs18]

Who does he live with? Can he relocate to you? Why are there no realistic plans to close the gap?

 

He currently lives with his parents. He started his construction business from the ground up, and it is becoming successful. As much as we want to close the gap, it isn't realistic at the moment. He is looking into buying a piece of land, and building a home for us out there if I am able to move.

[Lambert]

He currently lives with his parents. He started his construction business from the ground up, and it is becoming successful. As much as we want to close the gap, it isn't realistic at the moment. He is looking into buying a piece of land, and building a home for us out there if I am able to move.

Not to be a debbie downer... read some of the posts on here about what happened when some people moved in, with their partners, without knowing them very well. Every single one starts with how perfect they were, how connected they were...

 

You both have put everything ahead of the relationship and have so much to learn about each other.

 

You'll save yourself a lot of trouble in the long run. Your guy also needs to live on his own for awhile. You don't want to end up being his mother because he has no clue how to take of himself.

 

There are plenty of posts about that situation, too. [emoji5]

[cbuggs18]

Not to be a debbie downer... read some of the posts on here about what happened when some people moved in, with their partners, without knowing them very well. Every single one starts with how perfect they were, how connected they were...

 

You both have put everything ahead of the relationship and have so much to learn about each other.

 

You'll save yourself a lot of trouble in the long run. Your guy also needs to live on his own for awhile. You don't want to end up being his mother because he has no clue how to take of himself.

 

There are plenty of posts about that situation, too. [emoji5]

 

I agree that we do still have a lot to learn about each other. When we are together, I feel like we're in a honeymoon phase, where nothing seems to go wrong. We definitely need to learn more about each other, and spend more time together before we move to the next step.

 

He has lived on his own before, but he moved in with his parents to help them with bills, they were struggling after his dad went out on disability.

[boltnrun]

Will he expect you to move in with him and his parents since they need help?

[Wiseman2]

And yet in your absence she continues to be his GF. You seem to be making no headway on this issue, the distance issue, etc. How old is he? Do you plan on kids/a family one day?

I have confronted my fiancee several times about how I felt that she had feelings for him.