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What do I do about my fiancee's female bff


cbuggs18

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Sorry about the long post, but the background is very important.

 

My fiancee and I met online over 8 years ago, and were good friends. About 2 years ago when we started dating, and recently became engaged. He has a female friend who he's known about the same amount of time. The main difference is we are LDR while she is there with him.

 

When our relationship changed from strictly friendship, the female friend reached out to me, and we started becoming good friends. We would all hang out together when I would visit, and she was very supportive of us getting together, actually encouraging us to take the next step. I thought this was going to be the start of a beautiful journey.

 

Shortly after my fiancee and I became serious, I noticed that her tone with me drastically changed. She started telling me that everyone there thinks they are together/ should be together. She then asked me if it bothered me. I replied and said it didn't, and asked if there was any romantic history. She told me no. I let it go, and continued to work on our friendship. That's when things went downhill. She suddenly started posting tons of pictures of them together on social media, and making it a point to tell me that they were doing date like activities- going to movies, going out for drinks, etc. When my fiancee and I were on dates, she would blow up his phone, and insist that he needed to be there, saying she would kill herself if he didnt go. At one point she told me that she knows more about what's going on in his life than I do, and got very accusatory of my intentions. At one point I let her know that we have a strong relationship, and that what I talk about with him his private. We stopped talking shortly after.

 

I have confronted my fiancee several times about how I felt that she had feelings for him. He confessed that at one point, she had written him a love letter, and confessed her feelings for him. He assured me that he never reciprocated those feelings, and they were strictly friends. I tried to be supportive of their friendship, but brought up concerns with him spending money on her, buying her Plan B pills after her random hookups, and taking her to nicer places than he took me. I set boundaries that I was comfortable with, and things seemed to be going well.

 

Before he came out to visit last time, I reached out to her to try and rekindle our friendship. We had what I thought were great conversations, but she blocked me in every form later that night. On his visit, he proposed and I accepted. I asked him about his friend, and told him that she had blocked me. He confessed that she was the first person he told about his plans to propose, and that she didnt take it well.

 

Fast forward a year. We are still engaged, and planning our future. She is still crossing boundaries. When I confront him, he jokes about it, asking if I still hate her, and making excuses for her behavior. I'm not comfortable with their friendship anymore, and I dont think it's my place to tell him they can't be friends. I dont want to be the jealous wife, but I also can't continue to be left out, always wondering if there is something more between them.

 

What do I do?

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You can't change someone like this. What you can do is be more upfront and pretend less like it doesn't bother you. You're correct not to appear as the jealous wife or jealous partner. He is an adult and capable of making his own decisions about who he wants in or out of his life.

 

If you've already discussed at length about the inappropriate nature of his friendship with this person, there is nothing left to do but respect each other and separate your lives.

 

If you haven't discussed it at length, do that and don't beat around the bush. You don't have to let it consume you but you can be assertive and vocal about what you agree or disagree with.

 

Have a cooling off period and give yourself time to understand whether the dynamics of your relationship is something you can live with.

 

You may be looking at a lifetime of poor judgment coming from him and questionable decisions.

 

Choose carefully. I think the first step is realizing what's good for yourself and what you need in order to thrive.

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Nothing. You're in no position to do anything about her. You had about 1,001 red flags being presented by her where it was quite obvious trying to be friends with her wasn't going to be any kind of solution.

 

You are however in a position to do something about your relationship. This is who your fiancee is. I'm not sure anything is physically "going on" or I'm sure at this point she'd have plenty more to shove in your face than the high school dramatics. Fact remains the same that she's in the past expressed her love for him yet he kept her around. And since he's been with you, she's on several occasions acted like she is the jealous girlfriend. Those on their own are plenty to take at face value without concerning yourself with "what else?"

 

It's not worth the arguing or confronting. State your feelings if you wan't. It's just wasted breath, though. If he can't or doesn't want to see how wild his boundaries are, or if in fact he just doesn't care, there's no talk that's going to miraculously flip the switch. You pretty much embrace a life of playing third wheel or you move onto greener pastures. It's your life, but I know what choice I'd make. People like this generally need to burn a few bridges before they finally take action on what's making them the common denominator. Unfortunately, you're gonna have to be one of those bridges.

 

Not worth the pain and effort for an in-person relationship, never mind a LDR.

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There is a lot of dysfunction on her part that you cannot do a thing about.

 

Your best bet is to sit down with your future husband and tell him exactly how you feel and how his dismissive remarks are not helpful and you do not feel like he takes your concerns serious.

 

In the end it would be terrible for your future together to be ruined by this woman but that is exactly what she wants to happen. Remember that as you move forward.

 

Your fiance needs to set and be firm about some boundaries with this "friend"

 

Lost

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If he knows this bothers you and does nothing to protect you, your feelings and relationship ie dumping her as a friend...

 

I would dump him. I could not, would not marry anyone that did not put me first. You two have agreed to build a life together... not with her.

 

She is completely inappropriate and you're playing nice. How dare she make those statements. And how dare he defend her. I would be beyond mad and would not tolerate it.

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This girl isn't the problem, your fiance is.

He is being a grade A ahole to the both of you and playing both of you to stroke his ego. His comments to you actually show you that directly. He is getting off on the cat fight between two women over him.

 

Personally, I'd have exited this situation a long time ago. It's not the sort of character that I'd want to date, let alone marry. If it's not her, it will be another girl but there will always be this messed up dynamic. What you see is what you get. Also, don't be surprised if he ends up cheating on you as well....if he hasn't already.

 

This guy is not relationship, let alone marriage material. You say that your relationship is strong, yet he doesn't give a rats rear end about your feelings and won't stop stringing another woman along. He is showing zero respect for you and for his relationship with you. If your relationship was as you think, you wouldn't be posting here because there would be no other women between you. Again, the problem is him not her and I'd bet good money that he is very actively stringing her along or else she would be long gone herself. She is still around because he is feeding her hope. You are both getting played here and I sincere hope that you wake up long before you say "I do".

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I'm sorry about your situation.

 

How long is it gonna be before your fiancé and you won't be long distance anymore? Will he move to you or you to him?

 

She is not your friend. She wants him so no point trying being nice with her.

That's all I have to say about her because your fiancé is the problem. Instead of saying "I don't want to be the jealous wife" it would be better to state "I don't want to be with someone who let a friend disrespect our relationship". "I don't want to have a husband who doesn't set the proper boundaries HIMSELF." I don't want to be married with someone who has a very intimate relationship with another female (whether it's platonic or sexual)".

 

There is something very wrong with the way your fiancé behaves. He wants to keep her very close to him no matter how disrespectful she is about the engagement... You have to understand that she would never dare be that disrespectful if he didn't show her that it was ok. Maybe he react the same way with her , telling her "oh , you still hate my fiancé?" and brush it off.

To be honest, he's acting like he has 2 girlfriends: one that he will marry and the other who will be there for him while it's long distance. It's like he likes her a lot but not enough to marry her . Therefore, he acts like a romantic friend towards her(dates and all). I can't tell you if they had sex or not but if she's that entitled and possessive of him, that's fishy.

 

Don't be afraid to have a very serious conversation with your fiancé about it. There is worse that being "the jealous wife"; there is " the cheating husband" .

 

At this stage, their relationship is totally inappropriate. Even a normal friendship with her is impossible since he doesn't establish proper boundaries. He's acting very disrespectful towards you.

 

I know it's hard but I really think that your relationship can only work if he removes her of his life AND if he start acting more respectfully towards you. Period. You can't make him do it. It has to come from him. He's not acting like a future husband but you don't have to accept it.

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Chuggs.

 

This kind of thing takes my breath away.

 

".......him spending money on her, buying her Plan B pills after her random hookups, and taking her to nicer places than he took me."

 

As DancingF says "this is not the sort of character you'd want to date, let alone marry".

 

OP, you ask: What do I do?

 

You step out of this strange ménage à trois with this immature man and move on to something better.

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Sorry this is happening. It's time to reevaluate your relationship. It seems more like they are dating.

they were doing date like activities- going to movies, going out for drinks, etc.

He confessed that at one point, she had written him a love letter

him spending money on her, buying her Plan B pills after her random hookups, and taking her to nicer places than he took me.

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People like this generally need to burn a few bridges before they finally take action on what's making them the common denominator. Unfortunately, you're gonna have to be one of those bridges.

 

Agree with everything everyone is expressing, particularly this.

 

I certainly understand how hard it would be to end things, so, sure, you can try talking about it with more directness than in the past, seeing if this is something you can "work through." But before that? I'd also ask yourself, in the calm of your mind, if that even seems worthwhile, the sort of "serious talk" you want to have to "grow stronger," rather than one that just grows you into a strange shape. If he straight-up cut this woman out of his life, would that genuinely soothe you and lead you to believe in his character? Or would you wish he was someone who didn't need this level of training and be worried about what the future held?

 

It's kind of the difference between asking a young dude who has lived alone to put the toilet seat down after he uses the bathroom, so you can live together in harmony, and having to explain to a young dude who pees in the kitchen sink how that makes you feel in hopes that he learns to use a toilet. The former isn't super fun, but young dudes are young dudes. The latter? It's just a hard thing to even confront in another adult and come away feeling like an adult yourself.

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Whatever you do, don't marry him unless the situation is resolved and by resolved I mean she's out of his life for good. He should have already cut her out of his life, the moment she started disrespecting you and your relationship.

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Here's what you can do.....tell him she goes or the wedding is off and you go. See where that takes you. If he digs in and says no, then you know this guy is not worth marrying.

 

The danger with playing this kind of a game is that he'll go along with what she wants, marry her, then once she is stuck with him, he'l bring either this chic or another around and just carry on being himself. Problem is that now OP won't be able to dump him so easily. This approach won't fix his character and who he is.

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I tried to be supportive of their friendship, but brought up concerns with him spending money on her, buying her Plan B pills after her random hookups, and taking her to nicer places than he took me.

 

What in the fresh heck? What on earth was his excuse for this?

 

This woman is a pain the neck, no doubt. But I'm sorry OP, but the bigger problem here is your fiance. He is not setting appropriate boundaries with her, and not doing anywhere near enough to protect the integrity of your relationship. You need to be very concerned about where his priorities are and how poorly he has handled this entire situation.

 

Screw being worried about being the "jealous wife." This is not a jealousy issue. It's a crappy-boyfriend/fiance issue. I think there is some sort of romantic history between them and there are things he's not telling you. Even if there isn't? He's showing very clearly that he does not take your concerns seriously and he wants her in his life. Consider what that says about his ability to be a good life partner for you.

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The danger with playing this kind of a game is that he'll go along with what she wants, marry her, then once she is stuck with him, he'l bring either this chic or another around and just carry on being himself. Problem is that now OP won't be able to dump him so easily. This approach won't fix his character and who he is.
Exactly.

 

I could go into my backyard and start digging for oil if I wanted to. Maybe after a couple slipped discs and a heat stroke, I'll get rich off the 0.001% chance. Not all good effort is created equal. Point being there really are situations in life, including relationships, where point-blank it really is just a better idea not to engage at all or, worst case, simply cut your losses. What could she possibly say where dude stops drooling on himself and is like, "OH MAN I never thought of it that way?" The guy doesn't even have the bad excuse of being oblivious. He actively jokes about it, asking if OP still hates his "friend." Best case scenario, she gets a "yes, ma'am" from him. OP's got zero reason to know or even trust he keeps true to his word. At some point one of them has to uproot themselves, and $10,000 says it'd be her. That's a pretty big gamble simply for having a seemingly constructive conversation despite the loudest of behavioral indicators betraying it.

 

While it's obviously easier said than done, you've been given the extraordinary benefit of this dynamic having been blatantly thrown in your face rather than hidden. You've been provided the additional benefit of him very directly considering your feelings irrelevant. This is who he is, and this is what it will be.

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When I confront him, he jokes about it, asking if I still hate her, and making excuses for her behavior. I'm not comfortable with their friendship anymore

 

 

This is the MOST important part of your post. You already know this isn't a jealousy issue, because you already know she isn't a friend. IMVHO, She's his girlfriend. At LEAST emotionally. And he's already gaslighting you about it.

He clearly doesn't care what you think or how you feel as he has no intention of ending this relationship. And it is. Your fiance loves this woman, no matter what he says in his unconvincing lies to you- Why do I think that?

 

WHY ON EARTH was SHE the FIRST person he told about your engagement? If he really knew she was in love with him and he didn't want anything to with that- WHY would he tell her first? But the fact that he told her FIRST speaks volumes. Most people would call their parents, or their best friend, or some relatives- NOT the friend who they know is in love with them. At best, he loves her so much that he knew it would hurt her deeply and wanted to tell her. At worst, he wanted to make her jealous. But BOTH of these suggests at least some romantic love or desire on his part.

 

Sorry, but I don't see this changing. He's getting something out of this other relationship or he would stop it. This isn't about her, it's about HIM. And really, who knows what he's said to her? I doubt she'd stick around in this capacity if he hasn't given her some hope (at LEAST flirting, being suggestive- minimum).

 

I would really think twice about marrying this man. Either he's just not being honest with you or he's in severe denial about his own feelings for this "friend".

 

I've had guys confess feelings for me when I've been married and it's only gone one of two ways

 

1. The friendship is over and we never speak again because I make it abundantly clear that I'm in love with my husband and nothing will EVER happen.

2. OR if they can handle being just friends- It is 100% made clear that we are just friends and that nothing romantic will ever happen. If they can handle that- then we have limited contact and strict boundaries, I'm never alone with that person, and my spouse is fully aware of any interaction between us, and nothing is ever ok that makes me OR my spouse uncomfortable- and if they can't handle that- Refer to rule 1.

 

I mean, that's it. If there's a reason that someone in a committed relationship will not do those things, there's only a couple reasons.

1. They are in a mutually agreed upon open relationship

2. They actually have feelings/attraction for the other person and don't want it to end or to shut the door on the possibility

 

Take this specific girl completely out of the picture for a moment. Picture marrying this man and imagine you hit a rough patch in your marriage 15, 20 years down the line. (As happens for most of us at some time or other)

He starts talking to some beautiful new coworker and consistently sees her and you know that she has said she has feelings for him. He continues to see her and talk to her frequently despite being married to you and despite that you've made objections and then he tells you

"She is just a friend"

 

DO YOU BELIEVE HIM? IMVHO, your answer to this should tell you everything you need to know about your future with this man.

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I'm fully aware that this post is about her. My question is, since you are currently on an LDR, where will you both live when married? Will he move to where you are or will you move to where he is?

 

There's evident conflict with the following players: her, him and you. How is he resolving / managing this situation? The way he deals with / approaches this is very telling of what his conflict resolution style is. That's how he tackles difficult situations. That's who he is as a man.

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You need to question whom YOU are engaged to, whom YOU plan to spend the rest of your life with and question your fiance's lack of integrity. You have no control about what other people do or what this friend is doing. That's all on them. What you need to examine and reevaluate is your fiance's timid nature and lack of honorable character.

 

This friend will do as she pleases. Your fiance is the one who has to be gentle, tough yet firm with diplomatically severing contact with her. He should send her a text which says: "Thank you for your past friendship. However, it is time to go our separate ways. Please do not contact me anymore." No need for lengthy, drawn out explanations. He should be brief and to the point. If she is relentless, then he should block and delete her permanently.

 

Two's company, three's a crowd.

 

Also, you do the same with letting this friend know that while you're thanking her for her past friendship, it's time to go your separate ways. There is a way to be respectful yet direct with a person or people in general.

 

This friend is overbearing, weird, crosses lines, doesn't have boundary control and very disrespectful regarding your relationship with your fiance. She is very intrusive and a great imposition.

 

If your fiance remains indifferent and apathetic concerning this friend, don't marry your fiance because this problem will not go away later.

 

Both of you need to get rid of her. This picture is getting too crowded.

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Like that old saying, cats only come around if they're being fed.

 

Your fiance is "feeding" her something.

 

^Yup this. Also, the guy who is happy to open his wallet and buy Plan B for a woman is the guy who doesn't want to be called Daddy. Plan B is much cheaper than child support.

 

Open your eyes OP. Those aren't random hookups and he isn't just such a great pal paying for her Plan B pills out of the goodness of his heart.

 

Don't project your morals and values to someone who is openly showing to you that he doesn't share them. Do not be so blind.

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The danger with playing this kind of a game is that he'll go along with what she wants, marry her, then once she is stuck with him, he'l bring either this chic or another around and just carry on being himself. Problem is that now OP won't be able to dump him so easily. This approach won't fix his character and who he is.

 

I only advise this because she insists on marrying him. IMO if she wants to take that chance, this is her option.

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Interesting that the OP has not responded...

 

If you are are in fact reading the replies you have received from some very experienced people I would hope you would engage in the conversation because the path you are on is full of frustration and heartache.

 

Lost

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