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Anxiety Help - Journal


boltnrun
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1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

I could never sleep even at 80C . I am not sure how you do it. We have our AC set to 68.

68 would be way too cold for me lol.  I'm comfortable at about 72.

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50 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

68 would be way too cold for me lol.  I'm comfortable at about 72.

68 is perfect to me. But I hate heat and so does my son. A lot of Canadians just don’t like to be too hot. Lol 

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I just finished a text conversation with my brother. He's been saying for weeks that he would arrange for a charitable organization to pick up the various clothing and household items we won't be bringing with us. Well, this morning he was all "what do you mean??" when I asked him what day the pickup is scheduled for! He said he never said he was going to arrange for a pickup! So that meant I have two days to schedule something as he has to be completely out of the house by Sunday.

Luckily I was able to arrange for the same company who moved me into my apartment and who is moving my brother to do a pickup today. Sadly the items will be brought to the dump instead of being donated but there isn't enough time to arrange anything. I hope the guy who's picking the things up chooses to donate some of them on his own.

But yeah, not sure what's up with my bro! He's been very stressed and distracted in the past couple of months so I'll blame it on that. I will just have to find some other way to support a charity.

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There's a man sitting on the ground outside my kitchen window (I'm upstairs) who was smoking something  (meth? crack?) with a woman and now he appears to be huffing out of a can of something.  Earlier he was severely  coughing so I closed my window to avoid anything infectious possibly coming inside. I'm not going to call the police because he's not bothering or harming anyone.  But I need to take out the trash and the dumpster is right where he's sitting. I just hope he leaves soon. I don't want to possibly be exposed to anything infectious. 

And my poor brother. He's becoming the king of poor decisions. He arranged to move his furniture and belongings temporarily into a storage unit but for some reason he reserved a 360 square foot space. His house is about 2000 square feet. Shockingly, everything didn't fit. He had to be out of the house last Sunday so he had to leave half his belongings in the garage while he tries to find another storage unit and hire a service to move his things. And he rented an Air BnB for him and 2 of his kids but the place is too small for all 3 of them so he had to buy an air mattress. This is the guy who chastised me for renting too small a moving truck last year. Eye roll. He's all about trying to spend as little money as possible but with all the do overs he'll end up spending more than he would have. Then he rails about his terrible luck. I don't offer advice because I have before and got my head bitten off lol. Hopefully his house purchase will go through with no issues and soon.

Beautiful day outside and I was able to get some decent sleep. I think I'll go for a quick walk after work.

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4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Someone must have called the police on that man. A police officer is here talking to him. I hope they can get him some help, and I hope he wants to be helped.

I hope he gets help too. It is always so sad. 

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18 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

I hope he gets help too. It is always so sad. 

I think he was arrested. He's gone and so is the cop. But from what I could see and hear, the officer was speaking kindly to him. Probably knows he has a better chance of getting him some help if he's in jail rather than on the street. I do wonder where the woman went though. She left about 2 hours ago.

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IT was remotely connected to my work computer almost the entire day today.  And the only thing he accomplished was uninstalling a program that I absolutely MUST use in order to do my job.  When I tried to ask the status he stopped responding to my messages.  I think he knows he effed up.  I'll probably have to go into the office to have someone fix it.  Which is fine, but it was working fine before he decided to "work on" it.  He should have just left it alone!

Now my brother thinks he doesn't want to buy the house after all.  He got so angry when the first person who was supposed to buy his old house backed out, now he's going to do the same thing to the person he's buying the new house from?  He seems to be very unsettled and even depressed.  I think his divorce is bothering him a lot more than he lets on and it's affecting his decision making.  I want to give him emotional support but last night I stopped responding to his messages when he started getting snippy with me. I sent him a supportive text this morning which he thanked me for.  I'm grateful he has his kids with him.  

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  • 2 weeks later...

My brother ended up going through with the house purchase.  He seems much less angry and anxious now.  I'm happy for him.

I just got back from a walk.  I trick myself; I say "I'll just step outside and get a little fresh air."  Then I end up walking across the street so I can see the ocean.  Then since I'm already halfway there I go down the stairs to the beach walking path.  Or I'll go in the other direction, toward the marina.  Or I'll go downtown to see who's dining at the outdoor restaurants.  Next thing I know I've done a 30 minute walk.  Works every time!

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For the first time EVER I am signing into work still in my pajamas.  I have slept absolutely awful for the past 2 weeks. I got maybe 3 1/2 hours total pieced together last night.

I am fortunate to still be working from home, so I don't have to shower and dress and drive 45 minutes to the office. Very fortunate. 

I'll have to resort to taking an Ativan tonight. I can't do another workday on so little sleep. I took melatonin last night and all it did was agitate me. I hate taking a sleep aid but this is not sustainable. 

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Still completely unable to sleep.  I got about 4 piecemeal hours last night.  I feel like the walking dead.

I really, really don't want to rely on sleep aids but I can't continue on like this.  Another week of this and I'm going to call my doctor.

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Did you take the Ativan? Sometimes if you take something for a few nights it breaks the cycle of not sleeping. My doctor gave me mirtazapine for that. He gave me 30 pills more than a year  ago. I have 23 left and I take half a pill when I get into a totally sleepless cycle and then I reset. It is not relying on or being dependent on, it is resetting the switch. 

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I did take the Ativan.  I got one blissful night of sleep and then right back to the insomnia.

And I'm not worried about anything!  Things are going very well for me.  My city is even one of the top cities for vaccinations, so I feel safe going out and about (although I do mask up indoors and avoid crowds).  I don't lie in bed ruminating, except over not being able to sleep.

It's supremely frustrating.

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4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I did take the Ativan.  I got one blissful night of sleep and then right back to the insomnia.

And I'm not worried about anything!  Things are going very well for me.  My city is even one of the top cities for vaccinations, so I feel safe going out and about (although I do mask up indoors and avoid crowds).  I don't lie in bed ruminating, except over not being able to sleep.

It's supremely frustrating.

You will need more than one night . Try 3 nights. 

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3 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

You will need more than one night . Try 3 nights. 

I'm very fearful of becoming dependent.

Years ago my doctor prescribed Tramadol and I became addicted.  I was taking it multiple times a day every day for about a month.  She refused to renew my prescription so I had to go cold turkey.  Worst experience of my life.  And I was told Tramadol was non-narcotic and therefore non-addictive.  Lies.  When I had my (major) surgery I had the nurse remove the painkiller button and take me off all pain meds the morning after the surgery.  I told them I would let them know if the pain became unbearable and only then would I ask for pain meds.

OTOH, I cannot continue to try to function on inadequate sleep.  I'll talk to my doctor if things don't improve in the next week or so and see what he recommends.

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27 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I'm very fearful of becoming dependent.

Years ago my doctor prescribed Tramadol and I became addicted.  I was taking it multiple times a day every day for about a month.  She refused to renew my prescription so I had to go cold turkey.  Worst experience of my life.  And I was told Tramadol was non-narcotic and therefore non-addictive.  Lies.  When I had my (major) surgery I had the nurse remove the painkiller button and take me off all pain meds the morning after the surgery.  I told them I would let them know if the pain became unbearable and only then would I ask for pain meds.

OTOH, I cannot continue to try to function on inadequate sleep.  I'll talk to my doctor if things don't improve in the next week or so and see what he recommends.

You won’t become addicted after 3 nights. It takes 2 weeks or more of everyday use to become dependent on benzodiazepines. 

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I think I'd like to see what my doctor has to say.  Perhaps he has a solution.  I don't want to use the Ativan as a sleep aid when it was actually prescribed to help with spike anxiety episodes.

If there's something non-addictive I would prefer that.

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7 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

I would talk to him before it stretches out another week. 

Yeah, I'll give it until maybe Tuesday or Wednesday and see if it improves.  If not, he can call in a script and it will be ready the next day.

It's so hard because I can't predict when I'll have insomnia.  I was sleeping fantastic up until a couple of weeks ago.  Now I'm lying awake at 1 am and think, well, I'll fall asleep soon!  And then it's 4 am and I'm still lying there waiting to sleep, and by then it's too late to take anything.

Other than that things are terrific!  Brother moved into new house today, son and spouse are doing great, daughter having a blast (she's been staying out of town for quite some time for work/studies).  Just need to get this sleep thing resolved.

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41 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Yeah, I'll give it until maybe Tuesday or Wednesday and see if it improves.  If not, he can call in a script and it will be ready the next day.

It's so hard because I can't predict when I'll have insomnia.  I was sleeping fantastic up until a couple of weeks ago.  Now I'm lying awake at 1 am and think, well, I'll fall asleep soon!  And then it's 4 am and I'm still lying there waiting to sleep, and by then it's too late to take anything.

Other than that things are terrific!  Brother moved into new house today, son and spouse are doing great, daughter having a blast (she's been staying out of town for quite some time for work/studies).  Just need to get this sleep thing resolved.

 I wouldn’t just lay there though they tell you if you’re just laying there waiting for sleep to get up and do something until you’re tired and then go back to bed . 

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1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

 I wouldn’t just lay there though they tell you if you’re just laying there waiting for sleep to get up and do something until you’re tired and then go back to bed . 

Yeah, I do that.  I got up this morning and wandered around a bit (which isn't really effective since I live in 450 square feet), I look out the windows, I read, sometimes I turn the TV back on and look at a boring YouTube video.  Then I try again.  Usually, still nothing.  I'm already exhausted so being tired isn't making me sleep.  It's weird.

My friend told me she had the same issue and her doctor put her on hormone therapy and it worked.  So maybe my doctor will suggest that.

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3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Yeah, I do that.  I got up this morning and wandered around a bit (which isn't really effective since I live in 450 square feet), I look out the windows, I read, sometimes I turn the TV back on and look at a boring YouTube video.  Then I try again.  Usually, still nothing.  I'm already exhausted so being tired isn't making me sleep.  It's weird.

My friend told me she had the same issue and her doctor put her on hormone therapy and it worked.  So maybe my doctor will suggest that.

Maybe. 
 

All my hormones are fine and my thyroid is perfect it is totally anxiety driven primary and secondary insomnia from being unsafe to sleep as a child and teen. I had a complete blood work up two years ago and other than diabetes everything else is in perfect normal limits. My insomnia is totally psychological. 

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Still didn't get much sleep.

The problem is, it's hot in my apartment. It's been in the high 70s for a couple of weeks inside at night. I don't have AC. I open my windows, have the ceiling fan AND the floor fan going, I have no blankets on me and I wear basically nothing.  And I'm still sweating. The only thing that works is leaving my front door open and I'm not going to do that for obvious safety reasons. A window AC unit won't work with the type of windows I have and I can't afford one of those big floor units that cost hundreds. So.

Still going to ask the doc about a mild sleep aid. Nothing narcotic or addictive. Just until it cools down. I'm a quarter mile from the ocean so it shouldn't be hot for much longer.

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I went ahead and took an Ativan.  I needed to sleep.  Today was a busy workday.  I already made a couple of small mistakes at work yesterday due to lack of ability to concentrate and my role specifically requires me to be able to focus 100%.  That's why I was hired.  

I did get a bit over 6 hours, which is great.

Today has been blissfully cool outside.  It's only been at most 74 degrees inside my apartment.  Right now it's around 73.5.  If it stays this cool I should be able to sleep tonight.  Fingers crossed.

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Not being able to sleep is the worst, especially when you are dead tired. It's happened to me occasionally due to stress, but the worst was when I was on steroids for (what they thought was) mono. That was horrible. I'll never take steroids again if I can help it.  

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