Two divorced people... where is this going?

[abitbroken]

It’s been a year. YES, I told him what you suggested “we are looking for different things” many times. He just responds that he may just need time to work through things in his own way.

 

I feel like I should only agree to see him if he understands that, because he only wants to be friends, I may be dating others. Why is that so difficult to understand?

 

But you keep accepting dinners with him.

At a certain point, its no longer his issue -- he is being loud and clear -- its the fact you are accepting because you continue to accept his invites. Don't just talk the talk. walk the walk. Stop seeing him period.

[zebra10]

Yes, I keep seeing him because I’m very happy when I’m with him and think that it’s very reasonable for him to need time to work through his divorce- so if I keep some relationship with him then it can grow.

[Lambert]

Yes, I keep seeing him because I’m very happy when I’m with him and think that it’s very reasonable for him to need time to work through his divorce- so if I keep some relationship with him then it can grow.

Then there's your answer. Only you can decide how to live your life.

 

I don't think you'll find anyone on here that agrees that this is in your best interest. sorry.

 

As I posted to another unrelated thread, material things dinners, trips, presents and even time are cheap to give.

 

Emotions, openess, trust, commitment, deep connection those are the expensive things to give because that is what creates and maintains attachment.

 

We sometimes think, well, if he didnt love me, why does he always come over or why would he pay for all these dates? But if he has it to share or doesnt put that same importance on those things, its nothing to him.

 

I know many generous people... it means nothing to pick up the tab, especially if its a man raised with the mentality that women shouldn't pay... I would never tie someone's material gifts to how much they care... ok maybe an engagement ring because that symbolizes the asking for a lifetime commitment in our society...

[abitbroken]

Yes, I keep seeing him because I’m very happy when I’m with him and think that it’s very reasonable for him to need time to work through his divorce- so if I keep some relationship with him then it can grow.

 

He has no incentive to face his demons if he is getting sex, getting your companionship etc. Its one thing if this guy loved you to pieces, was proud to be in a relationship with you but was working through "do i want to marry again and if so, when?" But being with someone who told me "i cannot love". I don't think i could let my feelings grow stronger for someone who did not love me back.

 

I stayed with a man for a long time that didn't believe marriage worked, tried to get me to "help him believe in relationships" etc. I eventually felt very empty. I do feel looking back, if he had been able to be with the woman he occasionally talked about who was "the one that got away", he would have felt differently towards her.

 

WHen a guy says "i can't love, I don't want a relationship" He will NOT marry you. When he is ready to love/ready for a relationship he will leave you and find someone else and marry them. He may feel you are someone where "you worked through your divorces together" but in the end, you might not match the new him when he is on the other side of it.

 

He knows where you are at. He has your number. If he tells you "i can't love" "i can't be in a relationship" tell him that you really want to be with someone who loves you and so you need to respect yourself and move on.

 

It could be down the line he does some introspection, takes some time to be single (not from being married to dating before he is divorced and no break in between ( and he may have some growth and come back or he might just be the noncommittal guy the rest of his life.

 

You deserve someone who has the capacity to love and it would be REALLY good for you to be totally single -- figure out who you are as a divorced mom (you were already with him while you were still married so there was no time for that), After you take time to be comfortable being alone you may find a totally different type of guy is more suited to you.

[catfeeder]

he's not ready for commitment, and he needs to deal with his issues after such a long marriage in his own time.

 

What part of this is difficult to understand? If some guy you met online were to tell you this, would you screen him out, or want to date him?

 

It's never up to anyone else to tell us that they are rebounding and not ready to become relationship material. It's up to each of us to screen out bad matches--or bad timing--for ourselves. Thats about US, and our own dating skills, and our own maturity and ability to to be realistic.

 

If you want to set yourself up for the typical rebound speech about how wonderful you are, but I really should have taken the time to stabilize solo and find myself, then go for it. Oh, wait--you already got that speech, and you're not willing to see it for what it is...

 

So? Why not preserve future potential by saying, "I like you and can picture the two of us together in the future. But I'm committed relationship material, so I'm walking away while we both still think highly of one another. If you ever decide that you want to pursue a committed relationship with me, you can let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish you the best."

 

This leaves the door open if he ever has a change of heart, even while it frees you to seek out a better match who wants the same things out of dating that you want. If you're not willing to do that, but you'd rather stick around and try to manipulate someone who has been clear about where he stands, then go ahead--it's not against the law. It's just not the best way to get what you want.

 

Head high, and good luck with that.

[reinventmyself]

You've been seeing this guy for an entire year and just now he's needing to heal from the ending of his divorce?

What has he been doing for an entire year that it just now hits him?

You realize this doesnt add up, right?

There"s another reason he's pulled the rug out from under this. I dont know what it is, but his timing doesn't add up.

[zebra10]

You've been seeing this guy for an entire year and just now he's needing to heal from the ending of his divorce?

What has he been doing for an entire year that it just now hits him?

You realize this doesnt add up, right?

There"s another reason he's pulled the rug out from under this. I dont know what it is, but his timing doesn't add up.

 

That is a VERY astute observation. You’ll recall there was a time (maybe 6 months in) when I didn’t think he Would be wanting anything serious anytime soon, so I went on a few other dates and thought nothing of it. When he found out about this, he got extremely upset and surprised and that was when he became even more attentive, serious in his talk, saying we were dating exclusively, etc- he said I’d awoken something in him he hadn’t felt in ages. This timing also coincided with him being on summer break (he’s a college professor) & went back to Oregon, understandably, to be with his kid the whole summer (I just met up w him for the 2 trips I mentioned).

 

Soon after he came back to Virginia, he seemed to get nervous about “commitment.” He said missing his child was putting him in a bad state of mind, and if he’d just failed his wife to the point of divorce, then he’s never going to be good for anyone. I think being in the same place as me all the time again made him nervous that I’d suddenly have a lot of expectations he couldn’t meet. It felt safer for him when he was in Oregon, plus then his child was happier so he felt better overall. Now, as I mentioned, he wants to spend a lot of time with my child setting a good example Because he feels the same way towards mine as his own, at least as he states it.

[zebra10]

Any thoughts?

[MissCanuck]

He misses his family. Perhaps he is pondering moving closer to them. Or, maybe he's just being honest that he's not as ready as he thought and he misses his ex-wife more than he realized.

 

Whatever the case, being around your child when he is not committed to you is not setting a good example. Sure, it makes him feel like a good person for a short time, but I don't think he's actually taking the effect on the child into account.

[Lambert]

That is a VERY astute observation. You’ll recall there was a time (maybe 6 months in) when I didn’t think he Would be wanting anything serious anytime soon, so I went on a few other dates and thought nothing of it. When he found out about this, he got extremely upset and surprised and that was when he became even more attentive, serious in his talk, saying we were dating exclusively, etc- he said I’d awoken something in him he hadn’t felt in ages. This timing also coincided with him being on summer break (he’s a college professor) & went back to Oregon, understandably, to be with his kid the whole summer (I just met up w him for the 2 trips I mentioned).

 

Soon after he came back to Virginia, he seemed to get nervous about “commitment.” He said missing his child was putting him in a bad state of mind, and if he’d just failed his wife to the point of divorce, then he’s never going to be good for anyone. I think being in the same place as me all the time again made him nervous that I’d suddenly have a lot of expectations he couldn’t meet. It felt safer for him when he was in Oregon, plus then his child was happier so he felt better overall. Now, as I mentioned, he wants to spend a lot of time with my child setting a good example Because he feels the same way towards mine as his own, at least as he states it.

 

I think this is a prime example of an emotionally unavailable guy.

 

You might split hairs on the wording. And maybe being with his kids triggered something. I have experienced similar... the guy and I are all good, then there is an "event" that happens... the ex, the kids, something from the past triggers feelings of old comfort. That's what it comes down -- change is hard.... and we resist it.

 

The old comfortability feels good and then the comparison to the new life, just can't beat it. That is unhealed trauma.

 

Change sounds good in the beginning, is a total mess in the middle, and then if you stick with it you come out the end happily changed. And thats why its sensible to be single... being alone helps you work that stuff out and eventually motivates you to move forward.

 

Having someone as a physical and emotional support aka sex, helps him stay in that comfortable spot of confusion. Yes I said comfortable spot of confusion.

 

Confusion on his situation is more comfortable feeling, than to accept its over and time to start new...

[zebra10]

Sometimes I get so angry or upset that I just want to ghost him completely and make him see the consequences of not being ready to move on, ie what it would actually be like to miss me.

[Wiseman2]

Why not just take a break? He doesn't have a gun to your head to stick around and do what's best for him rather than what's in your own best interest. He most likely will not care that you "ghost him", no less learn any lessons you are attempting to teach. Leave for your own sake...to find someone more compatible.

 

Keep in mind he is not invested...at all. he was upfront and clear on that. And you are over-invested. Tell him you need time to reflect. Then use that time to stop fuming for staying in a situationship he was crystal clear about not being into, except casual sex/dating.

Sometimes I get so angry or upset that I just want to ghost him completely and make him see the consequences of not being ready to move on, ie what it would actually be like to miss me.

[zebra10]

Why not just take a break? He doesn't have a gun to your head to stick around and do what's best for him rather than what's in your own best interest. He most likely will not care that you "ghost him", no less learn any lessons you are attempting to teach.

 

The last time I did exactly this (and went out with a few others), he totally freaked out and that’s when all the serious talk really started. He wanted to solidify that we were exclusive, etc.

[bluecastle]

Sometimes I get so angry or upset that I just want to ghost him completely and make him see the consequences of not being ready to move on, ie what it would actually be like to miss me.

 

This is concerning to me.

 

Dig deep, and you may see that the person you're most angry with might not be him, but yourself, because what's happening here is that you're disrespecting your personal truth in favor of bending to his. Trying to manipulate him to feel something through ghosting—a cousin to trying to triggering feelings through mentioning other men—is just more disrespect sloshing around on all sides, adding inauthenticity to inauthenticity.

 

I know this is hard, but if you can step back just a few feet I think you'll see that his words and actions have been more consistent than confusing for the past year. He's never been that into this, at least not in the way you are. Sure, six months in he huffed and puffed a bit when you dangled other dates in front of his face—but he was also 3,000 miles away so the most "exclusive" and "committed" juncture of this romance existed only when you hardly saw each other, when it was all more of an idea than a reality. Today he has told you he's not ready, not a believer in love and trust—and, again, huffs and puffs a bit when prodded by you.

 

Ask yourself this: Do you want to prod this man, or any man, into feeling something for you they do not authentically feel? Or do you want to be with a man who meets you on the same plane without any prodding?

[reinventmyself]

Sometimes I get so angry or upset that I just want to ghost him completely and make him see the consequences of not being ready to move on, ie what it would actually be like to miss me.

 

Where is your responsibility in all of this?

You dated a man who was clearly conflicted. He gave you indications of it all along. You can account for them in detail.

The signs were there, yet you carried on as if they weren't.

 

Not condoning how he's handled it, but why didn't you ever take a step back and realize that he wasn't relationship material?

 

And now you want to teach him a lesson?

 

Just a warning. Acting as if you are unavailable and in playing the game to get him to miss you, will attract an unavailable man. Unavailable people want things they can't have. As you have just learned, actually having it isn't what they wanted in the first place

[abitbroken]

The last time I did exactly this (and went out with a few others), he totally freaked out and that’s when all the serious talk really started. He wanted to solidify that we were exclusive, etc.

 

Let him freak out - but change your locks first if he has a key. See what he is doing? He wants to make it so he doesn't have to commit but you won't leave either. He says whatever sweet nothings he needs to in order to keep you on the hook. "serious talk" doesn't matter. Its action that matters. So many people say 'well, he talked about babies on the second date" and stick with the wrong guy because of it. you need to throw him back in the ocean and in the meantime do not allow him near your kid. its too much to put on a child to get close to a noncomittal adult.

[abitbroken]

You are so worried about what he feels and such and "helping him through his issues" and are concerned for you own well being very little. Read up on codependency. its classic codependency if you feel you should "help him work through his issues" or you won't cut the cord "because he might miss you". You are creating a situation where you are the only one who can deliver him growth and healing in exchange for hopefully him wanting to commit - waiting around until. serious talk so soon should have made you run!

[MissCanuck]

Sometimes I get so angry or upset that I just want to ghost him completely and make him see the consequences of not being ready to move on, ie what it would actually be like to miss me.

 

Eh, if you feel you need to resort to this to get someone to value you - you're with the wrong person.

 

The right man for you won't need you to ghost him in order for him to understand your importance in his life.

[maew]

See I don’t know if it’s been a “failure.” Because he always talks about needing time to process such a long marriage ending, and not being ready for commitment right now. But as he points out, he clearly does want to continue seeing me regularly and talking to me daily. And he’s totally against the idea of me seeing anyone else despite me being “just a friend”... I just can’t figure out why.

 

He is holding you hostage emotionally... fortunately since you have your physical freedom, you can cut bait and run far, far away from this man.

 

How off putting that he thinks you should be the one to do all of the sacrificing in this relationship.

[bluecastle]

He is holding you hostage emotionally... fortunately since you have your physical freedom, you can cut bait and run far, far away from this man.

 

How off putting that he thinks you should be the one to do all of the sacrificing in this relationship.

 

While I agree with these sentiments, I'm not a fan of ideas like the one I bolded. Just gives another human more power than they ever have, which I don't think is a great road to reclaiming power and clarity.

 

After all, the only reasons he has said the things that OP finds confusing—like being uncomfortable with her dating other people—is because she chose to throw those ideas at him in hopes of getting some kind of reaction. Emotional hostage-taking, or an attempt, on both sides, in short.

 

Going back to something I wrote on this thread early, I just think this is one of those moments where you have to accept that whatever was good here has run its course, and if real time and space are not taken you're just going to have a story of two people bringing out weaker and weaker sides of the other, causing more pain and confusion, feeling increasingly drained and cornered not by the other but by their own choices.

[Gb83]

All right. So maybe the best conversation to have is that if he remains noncommittal with no end in sight to being in a relationship, then I understand but obviously need to be free to date others.

 

Sigh, sounds so simple yet when I did this a few months ago, he just came back more strongly about us being exclusive and on the road to a relationship after we both Finalize divorce etc. And I understood his reason for not jumping all in right now, and actually felt it would’ve been more of a red flag if he were immediately ready after divorce filed for a marriage of over a decade.

[Wiseman2]

Are you posting as zebra 10?

[MissCanuck]

All right. So maybe the best conversation to have is that if he remains noncommittal with no end in sight to being in a relationship, then I understand but obviously need to be free to date others.

 

Sigh, sounds so simple yet when I did this a few months ago, he just came back more strongly about us being exclusive and on the road to a relationship after we both Finalize divorce etc. And I understood his reason for not jumping all in right now, and actually felt it would’ve been more of a red flag if he were immediately ready after divorce filed for a marriage of over a decade.

 

OP, this thread is probably going to be closed now; you can't have multiple accounts.

 

It seems you should know that by now, as your other threads under Gb83 have been closed for the same reason.

[Wiseman2]

Are you posting both as Gb83 and zebra 10?

Met a guy 6 months ago when we were both having problems in our marriages. My husband & I are now actively going through divorce, & I had a baby in the meantime. I don't want to be the girl giving an ultimatum, but I feel at some point this has to be defined.