Social Media and Boundaries

[bluecastle]

Others, however, will put up with an amazing amount of abuse if the woman is "hot".

 

As a lover a wormholes, I'll venture down this one a bit...

 

If on some deep core level the man knows that "hot" is the primary factor for being with a woman, he will take a certain amount of abuse as punishment for his own superficiality. The punishment gives the dynamic a gloss of intensity and complexity—it's not just about hot!—that allows the hot week or hot month to expand into many months, or longer, at which point the connection, despite getting less and less hot and more and more like a third degree burn, gets defined as "rare," which is further coding for "more than just about hot."

 

Not saying that's what's happening here—though not saying it's not part of what's happening—but just speaking in some broad brushstrokes, from observation and, yeah, some personal experience in that spin cycle.

 

What I think is key point, for OP, is what bolt said about how she conceives of herself. If she believes that hot is all she has to offer, it really doesn't matter what else is there, real or imagined. People will always seek to validate their most dominate self-conceptions, and seek out people who reflect that back. On that note, of course, is worth asking what in you she is reflecting back and whether that's something you really want to keep putting weight on in your own self-conception.

[Goodguy7]

I'm a curious person, so I asked some men I know if "hot" cancels out unintelligent. I was told "yes". I then asked if "hot" cancelled out, um, "difficult" (I used a different word that is not allowed here lol) and I was told "no way".

 

So, some men will tolerate a lot if a woman is physically attractive but most of them have a line that they won't allow to be crossed. Others, however, will put up with an amazing amount of abuse if the woman is "hot".

 

It goes both ways, of course. I dated a man who very strongly resembled a popular Hollywood movie star at the time. I just didn't like him for many reasons. Some of my friends told me I was crazy to stop dating him because "he's so good-looking!!!". I told them I couldn't stand the guy but they told me I should just overlook that. Well, I can't just look at him all day, at some point I'll have to actually talk to him! And I didn't want to.

 

It's a matter of deciding if "hot" is good enough to overlook everything else. And eventually everyone's looks fade, so there's that. A stronger foundation than "she's so hot!" needs to be built IMO.

 

I know what you mean and typically agree with this. It’s definitely more than she’s just hot. There’s a connection. Maybe I have high expectations. But I just need to stay true to my values and unfortunately and painfully I’m going to have to walk away. Can’t force someone to change as people have said.

[bluecastle]

Maybe I have high expectations.

 

I'm not sure how old you are, but given that she's been married once I'm going to assume we're talking here about people who have been living in the land of adulthood for a decent chunk of time. On that note, I really don't think it's such a high expectation to want to be a in a relationship with someone who doesn't use social media to toy with you.

[DaisyMayPorter]

I know what you mean and typically agree with this. It’s definitely more than she’s just hot. There’s a connection. Maybe I have high expectations. But I just need to stay true to my values and unfortunately and painfully I’m going to have to walk away. Can’t force someone to change as people have said.

 

It's painful because she's hot? If someone treats you badly, it should not be painful to walk away.

[abitbroken]

Honestly, when you meet someone, you have to take them as they are...or not. if you have to make "agreements" about things they do - whether that be not to smoke, not to have social media, etc. The person you choose should already have similar values. its okay if they are different from you, but they should not have incompatible values about things that matter. a girlfriend is not your child. You go on dates and if someone isn't compatible with you, you don't go out with them again, no matter how hot the are.

[Goodguy7]

Honestly, when you meet someone, you have to take them as they are...or not. if you have to make "agreements" about things they do - whether that be not to smoke, not to have social media, etc. The person you choose should already have similar values. its okay if they are different from you, but they should not have incompatible values about things that matter. a girlfriend is not your child. You go on dates and if someone isn't compatible with you, you don't go out with them again, no matter how hot the are.

 

I dont know many people who would put up with somebody who relentlessly seeks the attention of the opposite sex, accepts social media requests from the opposite sex from dating sites, interacts with their flirtations, and THEN not understand the issue their significant other has with it. This is narcissistic behavior. Grandiose opinions of ones beauty, lack of empathy, and a need for insatiable admiration. I think this would make even the most secure person insecure and not trusting.

 

Update: I broke it off. We reconciled the next day bc I was weak to her emotions and apology. A week later she broke up with me. I honestly think she did it so she could be the dumper and not the dumpee. How dumb am I!!

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Either way, you are now free to find someone more compatible.

I

Update: I broke it off. We reconciled the next day bc I was weak to her emotions and apology. A week later she broke up with me.

[bluecastle]

Sorry as well. But also? I think this step, hard in the moment, is ultimately going to prove to be a step toward something much more enriching than what you were trying to wrestle out of this connection.

[Goodguy7]

Sorry as well. But also? I think this step, hard in the moment, is ultimately going to prove to be a step toward something much more enriching than what you were trying to wrestle out of this connection.

 

It really hurts right now. I feel terrible bc I’m so hurt, and she feels nothing.

 

This is just crazy... how did I involve myself w someone so cold.

[Batya33]

It really hurts right now. I feel terrible bc I’m so hurt, and she feels nothing.

 

This is just crazy... how did I involve myself w someone so cold.

 

Because you found her hot and felt like you won a prize when she agreed to date you? Her lifestyle and choices were in your face from the beginning -probably from the first few days of knowing her. I'm sorry you're disappointed!

[Grimlockkk]

I’ve been dating a girl I met online exclusively for about 5 months. I really love this girl. Like truly. I haven’t felt this way about someone in a long time.

 

She comes from a rough past (no father/crazy mother, ran out on her husband for another man, dated the other man for years who was then cheating on her). We’ve had some conversations about her past and I’ve always been a loving, non judging, and understanding shoulder for her when it comes to this.

 

She lost many friends bc of the situation with her ex husband, and it has really effected her. Other than family I would say she only has a 3-4 close friends. She tells me she really learned her lesson from that situation and I believe her. But...

 

Over the past couple months some things have begun to bother me. Most notably her Instagram interactions. Like I said we met online on one app, but I found out through my friends that she had two other apps that included her Instagram tag. No big deal in the beginning because we weren’t exclusive and she’s free to date and talk to whoever. We both agreed to delete all these apps from our phone, which I believe we both did but not necessarily the profiles.

Anyway no big deal really, until I really started looking at her Instagram posts, followers, and activity. She posts a decent amount of selfies looking cute (nothing risqué), which I don’t really care about but it does come off a little vain in my opinion. Then I start noticing the comments and likes. 95% are men, who she doesn’t really know, flirting with her and she “likes” the comment and even flirts back in some cases. And she was adding a decent amount of men daily.

 

So I brought up to her my issues. I told her that she is clearly getting all these followers from dating sites (there really is no other explanation to get this amount of new followers, she doesn’t have creative content or is an influencer or anything like that and they are all men) and the fact that it was disrespectful to me that she’s interacting with these men that are flirting with her when we’re in a committed relationship. Her response was that I’m being insecure and that they and her are just being nice to each other and essentially she’s not going to do anything about it. I admit it obviously did make me feel insecure that’s why I brought it up and it’s just behavior that I don’t expect in my significant other. I value loyalty and respect most in a relationship.

 

This girl has told me outright how insecure she is about herself, and evidenced by her social media activity really craves male attention. She also has bouts of depression that can last weeks. Which, psychologically, I get based on her past but the inability to understand my boundaries (which I feel like are pretty normal boundaries in a relationship but I’d like the board’s opinion) and be flexible for your partner is really getting to me. It’s really tough for me to end it because I feel strongly for her, and this sort of connection is so rare.

 

Am I overreacting about the Instagram issue?

Do you think Im opening up myself to future heartache by being with this girl?

 

I know I can’t help her with her issues because I’m not a professional, but even if it doesn’t work between us, I really feel bad for her and want to help her.

 

Be respectful, and drag her to couples therapy. That shrink will get right in there, and either you'll fix the relationship with his help, or he'll tell you to get far away from her if she is not taking the sessions seriously.

[musicman777]

This is just crazy... how did I involve myself w someone so cold.

 

Well man, you knew what you were getting into... this woman had a pretty horrible history with men. That's really terrible of someone to run off on their husband. The fact that friends and family cut her off for doing that, it speaks about her character. I'm sure you got a more sugar-coated end of that story as well. And who knows what other kind of history she has. Maybe beyond physical attraction to her, you are a good guy and wanted to give her a chance and see the good in people. I often do that myself with women. I see what I want to see and don't pay attention to the negatives.

 

That crap on instagram is unacceptable. Online or not, it's not cool for her to be flirting with guys when you two agreed to be exclusive and have been dating that long. It's good you broke it off. Block her social media and everything, you need to disconnect from this toxic woman.