Catastrophizing boyfriend?

[Hollyj]

My quick advice is, ASK him what he needs when it comes to dealing with this rash. Stop assuming that he needs you to tell him he's beautiful, etc

 

Literally ask him what you can do to support him.

 

Secondly, stop invalidating his feelings. Yes, to you it might seem like the wrong reaction or that he's overreacting but that's only making him feel unheard and that you do not understand the suffering he is going through.

 

Truth be told, you don't understand unless you lived it yourself...and even then...how you deal with things does not make how he deals with things better or worse.

You just deal with things in a different manner.

 

Try to get on the same page as one another. He is under stress due to what is going on. Be considerate of that. He's not going to be himself until he feel's he is no longer dealing with a medical issue.

 

I think he has. When my brother was dying of cancer, he never went to this level. I think the dude is being abusive and is taking his frustration out on his partner.

[SherrySher]

Holly, I have had several people die from cancer around me, so I do know and understand a lot on how people react differently to illness. It's not one size fits all.

 

This man sounds like he has a high level of anxiety and yes, to some degree, is a hypochondriac. Due to these conditions, he is going to deal with things on a higher level of stress and not very calmly.

 

I don't agree with him being slightly mentally and verbally abusive, and he really should get some therapy in helping him cope with illness and higher levels of stress.

But to be a partner to someone like this, you do need a great amount of understanding and acceptance.

 

It's not about "babying" someone or rolling over for them, it's about talking to them and asking what will work best for them and what do they need in order to deal best with this situation.

 

I've had loved ones who were very ill, remain calm and reasonable and as well I have had loved ones who were angry, had outbursts and no idea how to cope with their emotions on such an upsetting level.

 

I accepted both reactions and was understanding about both reactions.

 

There is no right or wrong.

[boltnrun]

He's asked multiple times how he can be supportive. He's being told to stop mentioning it and also being told he's being unsupportive for NOT mentioning it.

 

It doesn't sound like this rash is life-threatening, so I can't see comparing it to cancer or other terminal or chronically disabling illnesses.

 

Just to give you my perspective, I have an illness that will never go away. It makes me need to urgently have a bowel movement, frequently with little notice that I will need to use the restroom. I have nearly soiled myself in public or while driving. Not one time did I speak to my partner the way the OP's partner speaks to him. It's not his fault I am ill, so why call him names or berate him for MY medical condition?

 

I've also experienced family members who have the "I'm ill, so you have to take whatever I dish out" mentality. That doesn't go over very well with anyone I know. Certainly not me.

 

I sympathize with you, OP. I stand by my advice...let him know you are absolutely willing to be lovingly supportive however he needs you to be, but you will not tolerate name-calling or verbal abuse.

[SherrySher]

so I can't see comparing it to cancer or other terminal or chronically disabling illnesses.

 

Holly brought that up, not me.

 

I am assuming you have Crohns and if so, my sympathies, sincerely. It's a very difficult disease to contend with.

 

I am not justifying the boyfriend. I said that I agree he needs help with his anxiety and should get therapy for how he is reacting/behaving. Though he does sound like he has a high level of anxiety.

 

Some people who have anxiety disorder, (which this fellow may or may not have), but assuming he does, he doesn't know how to cope with his own illness or emotions, which is why he doesn't know how he wants others to cope either.

 

He needs some sort of understanding, at least for the time being. However, he should get some help. He's not coping well and he is causing his anxiety to push others away.

It might be something to mention to him, but ultimately, it's up to him to decide to get help.

 

If he decides not to, then it is up to OP whether he wants to stay or not.

[boltnrun]

I actually don't have Crohn's but another bowel disorder. From my understanding, Crohn's disease is even worse than what I have. It must be awful. But I appreciate the sympathies.

 

It's an embarrassing condition to say the least. It's not great when you're on a road trip with the boyfriend and you have to explain that you MUST find a bathroom, NOW! Or living together and having to tell him to stay out of the bathroom for a while because I stunk it up (reminds me of the movie "Friday"..."35-45 minutes!"). Or having loud, explosive diarrhea in earshot of the boyfriend. Or many other uncomfortable situations.

 

I just feel like the OP is trying his best and is not even being acknowledged for his efforts. Worse, he is being verbally abused for trying to be supportive.

 

I don't know if his boyfriend is willing to seek help but I hope so, for both their sakes.

[SherrySher]

I do sympathize, sincerely.

 

It's not easy to deal with bowel issues like that. I was going to PM you, but no worries. I hope that your doctor can find a solution.

 

I think my only main point that I was trying to get across, is that this man sounds like he has an anxiety disorder.

That changes the whole picture as to how he is coping with things.

 

Although it is true, (at least in my experience) that some people cope better with illness than others. It also might be depending on anxiety issues or lack of.

 

But yes, if this man does decide to get help and seeks a proper diagnosis, such as hypochondriac due to anxiety disorder, he then would need a partner who truly accepts him, has patience with it and helps not hinders. Because although you can receive therapy for an anxiety disorder and learn coping skills, even take medications...there is no cure and this will be a lifetime issue.

 

I am not saying 100% that this is the case with his boyfriend, although it reads to me that there is a strong possibility.

[boltnrun]

Thank you, Sherry.

 

There is no cure. I've had surgery but was told that it will not ever go away completely as it is a disease. I will have the disease for the rest of my life.

 

I can do things that will hopefully make it less impactful but it's unpredictable. I can eat something one day and have no issues but a week later the exact same food will result in explosive diarrhea and awful gas pains. It doesn't help that I'm also lactose intolerant and have a multitude of food sensitivities! And I love food...sigh...

 

But, others have it worse. I can do almost anything I want to as long as there's a restroom nearby lol!

 

OP, I hope your partner is able to realize that you're trying to be supportive. Also that he talks to his doctor about ways to cope with his condition.

[SherrySher]

It sounds very similar to my aunt, she just had surgery too and is healing but not sure how much it's going to help.

 

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. :( Have you done the gluten free thing yet? Some say it helps while others don't notice a huge difference.

 

My aunt's doctor suggested trying a restricted/elimination diet for a while, then slowly add in foods and the ones that created the most problems she should avoid.

It's time consuming, but it might help.

[Batya33]

Boltnrun I am so sorry you're dealing with this.

[boltnrun]

Thanks again.

 

It's not a food issue. It's a disease. That's why sometimes something will bother me and other times it won't. If the disease is flaring up it doesn't matter what I eat or what I avoid.

 

And this is coming from my doctor. After the surgery he explained that while the surgery dealt with the most extreme and dangerous results of the disease, I will have it for life. It won't go away with dietary restrictions or drinking a lot of fluids or anything else external.

 

But again, it's a perspective thing. I can still enjoy almost all of the activities I want to enjoy. I won't be running any marathons anytime soon but I never would have anyway lol. I miss spicy foods and hot fudge sundaes and beer and a nice big juicy steak but that's OK.

[Seraphim]

I feel for anyone with intestinal issues. ☹️ Mine are so so bad as well. I don’t even want to say how bad, but worse than I comment here for sure.

[jul-els]

OP, you are in a dammed if you do, dammed if you don’t situation at the moment. He’s obviously disturbed by his health issues and there’s not much you can do about it. You’ve told him how you feel, so now I’d just let it go and allow him the time and space he needs to process what he’s going through. If it becomes a point of contention with him again, then I would sit him down and let him know what treatment of you is acceptable and what isn’t.

[Hollyj]

Holly brought that up, not me.

 

I am assuming you have Crohns and if so, my sympathies, sincerely. It's a very difficult disease to contend with.

 

I am not justifying the boyfriend. I said that I agree he needs help with his anxiety and should get therapy for how he is reacting/behaving. Though he does sound like he has a high level of anxiety.

 

Some people who have anxiety disorder, (which this fellow may or may not have), but assuming he does, he doesn't know how to cope with his own illness or emotions, which is why he doesn't know how he wants others to cope either.

 

He needs some sort of understanding, at least for the time being. However, he should get some help. He's not coping well and he is causing his anxiety to push others away.

It might be something to mention to him, but ultimately, it's up to him to decide to get help.

 

If he decides not to, then it is up to OP whether he wants to stay or not.

 

.............................

[Wiseman2]

It is hard to believe that jock itch caused these dynamics. His reaction and your reaction are symptomatic of not a fungal infection but of an unhealthy relationship. He's acting like a 2 y/o and you are treating him like one.

 

You need to stop having sex until he's been back to the doctor and this has cleared up. In the meantime get to a doctor yourself and start to explore why you are with a nasty manchild like this.

He has had a rash for several weeks, a fungal rash like jock itch.

[Hollyj]

Holly, I have had several people die from cancer around me, so I do know and understand a lot on how people react differently to illness. It's not one size fits all.

 

This man sounds like he has a high level of anxiety and yes, to some degree, is a hypochondriac. Due to these conditions, he is going to deal with things on a higher level of stress and not very calmly.

 

I don't agree with him being slightly mentally and verbally abusive, and he really should get some therapy in helping him cope with illness and higher levels of stress.

But to be a partner to someone like this, you do need a great amount of understanding and acceptance.

 

It's not about "babying" someone or rolling over for them, it's about talking to them and asking what will work best for them and what do they need in order to deal best with this situation.

 

I've had loved ones who were very ill, remain calm and reasonable and as well I have had loved ones who were angry, had outbursts and no idea how to cope with their emotions on such an upsetting level.

 

I accepted both reactions and was understanding about both reactions.

 

There is no right or wrong.

 

 

I have dealt with both as well. I have also learned through group support (when my brother ways dying) that we should not tolerate abuse. This poster has tried every which way to help his partner to no avail. He needs to stop away from the situation, until his partner can treat him with respect.

[Hollyj]

I actually don't have Crohn's but another bowel disorder. From my understanding, Crohn's disease is even worse than what I have. It must be awful. But I appreciate the sympathies.

 

It's an embarrassing condition to say the least. It's not great when you're on a road trip with the boyfriend and you have to explain that you MUST find a bathroom, NOW! Or living together and having to tell him to stay out of the bathroom for a while because I stunk it up (reminds me of the movie "Friday"..."35-45 minutes!"). Or having loud, explosive diarrhea in earshot of the boyfriend. Or many other uncomfortable situations.

 

I just feel like the OP is trying his best and is not even being acknowledged for his efforts. Worse, he is being verbally abused for trying to be supportive.

 

I don't know if his boyfriend is willing to seek help but I hope so, for both their sakes.

 

I feel for you!