How can I tell if I was overreacting?

[Cherylyn]

No, you didn't overreact. No, you didn't push him away. He's nothing but red flags all over the place; more than your post! His character is despicable. Don't even expect nor anticipate his coming back. He actually did you a huge favor by dumping YOU. You need to dump him completely in your mind. Block and delete him and then he'll become out of sight, out of mind.

 

Your approach was too soft from the beginning. The second you caught him in a lie, it should've been over for you in your mind yet you didn't heed those warning bells in your brain. Once a liar, always a liar as liars have since had a lot of practice!

 

A good man? A real jerk left you and good riddance!

 

Stop obsessing, consuming and preoccupying yourself with this jerk! He's NOT worth it. He's full of it, a deceitful, pretentious, charming liar, only used you for sex and discarded you like yesterday's trash, downgrades and insults you. Get rid of the cad.

[Tinydance]

I agree, I think he was only trying to get sex. Just because he spent a few weeks dating doesn't mean anything. I knew someone who was seeing a guy for two months. After two months they slept together and straight after that she never heard from him ever again! The fact that this guy from the start was pushing for sex most likely means he did want sex. And he probably wanted to see you so often because he could see you weren't just gonna give it up straight away, so he was trying to have more dates to move it along faster . He used you and then said all these bad things about you to turn it around on you! Total jerk!

[proseyxi]

WOW! I`m so humbled all of you guys came forward and replied to my question. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart!

 

I` m calm knowing that at least my gut is working properly and that my mind was not wrong. It is true @MissCanuck it was wrong to push my life away for a perfect stranger, but I got caught in my feelings and I tend to be impolsive sometimes, especially when in love. I was thinking at first , as some of you did, that it was just a matter of compability, that he may be a saint for all I know, but alas we didn`t match. But now,with my head clearer and my emotions completely out of the picture, I know he was just a player. The reason being is that a good guy would meet you in person and cut things politely and with respect. Or even on the phone, he wouldn`t use such harsh and uncalled for things to say. A "I appreciate our time together,I do really like you, you are a nice woman but unfortunately I`m looking for something different right now" etc, would be acceptable as it has happened in the past and it was pretty fine by me. I liked the honesty and appreciated the decency in those cases. Especially if you have connected with someone sexually, it`s disgusting the way he broke things off.

 

I don`t jump into having sex with someone right away. In fact he was the 2nd man I`ve ever had sex with in my life, the 1rst being my ex bf of one year and I had waited for more than 40 days to sleep with him. After breaking up, I stayed celibate for more than a year, until I met this 2nd guy in which, call it my infatuation, call it my hormones, call it him creating this sense of safety and future together, I did earlier than I hoped for. I do not regret it , I had a fantastic time but next time I will most certainly wait way longer. Not for the modesty factor, but for the I-get-emotionally-attached factor. I can`t spare any more heart. I value my time and feelings so much more after this event and will definitely have som "growing up" to do in dating to look after my best interest.

 

I have blocked and deleted his number since day one. That goes without saying.

[proseyxi]

@Wiseman2 I only drink 2 a month tops, because I don`t like alcohol. So no, I and my family have no such issues , with any addictions in general. I`m not obsessed , just inexperienced. It happens to all of us sometimes to get emotionally invested and being let down. It just hurts. That`s all.

[SooSad33]

Umm... you called him.. to see if HE was okay? None of this is.. okay.

I think you know this... right?

He is overbearing & acting like a child if he does not get his way.. fps.

 

Way too much.

 

You seemed to be accepting of his actions / behaviour - which was too much. He gave too much then pulled back?

Uncertain.. unsettled. weird man!

 

Low blow - you reminded him of his ex... Omg! :O. Yup- he's got too many Issues!

 

Don't be heartbroken.. he stunted you.. shock treatment sort of thing..

YOu knew him a month

Do not contact him again.. back away.. move on with your life.

[proseyxi]

I screwed up. Now I realize that, I screwed MYSELF up. That situationship (if at all even) was a real blow for me because I thought I chanced my ways in dating after my last breakup. I thought I was a new person. I had the confidence I would not make the same mistakes again as I did with my ex. But I did and this time I even worse mistakes. I am working on setting boundaries and not overtrusting or falling in love too quickly and too easily. Both these men in my life did absolutely nothing to deserve it!!! I`m loving potential, imagination, fantasies and feelings. And it`s so hard for me to realize that I gave those utter scums a place in my heart. I sold myself for too small a price. That`s what`s bugging me. That he is somewhere feeling good and proud and boasty about having his way with me. I`m so sad about this....

[Wiseman2]

You went to a club, met this guy and hung out "nonstop" then he didn't want to pursue it. The good news is this type of thing is easy to change. Slow Down. It's that simple. Meet men in better places strive for a higher quality and have the confidence to go slowly and get to know someone, build on things, etc.

 

Don't get this attached or hop into bed if it makes you feel bad afterward. End the regret and remorse and write it off as a hookup/fling. No big deal. It's only a big deal if you thought having sex and hanging out this much right away would result in a long term relationship. But then again you picked him up in a club and you viewed him as beneath you from the start, so why pursue that type of thing? The key is to not get this desperate..

I sold myself for too small a price. That`s what`s bugging me. That he is somewhere feeling good and proud and boasty about having his way with me.

[Jibralta]

I screwed up. Now I realize that, I screwed MYSELF up. That situationship (if at all even) was a real blow for me because I thought I chanced my ways in dating after my last breakup. I thought I was a new person. I had the confidence I would not make the same mistakes again as I did with my ex. But I did and this time I even worse mistakes. I am working on setting boundaries and not overtrusting or falling in love too quickly and too easily. Both these men in my life did absolutely nothing to deserve it!!! I`m loving potential, imagination, fantasies and feelings. And it`s so hard for me to realize that I gave those utter scums a place in my heart. I sold myself for too small a price. That`s what`s bugging me. That he is somewhere feeling good and proud and boasty about having his way with me. I`m so sad about this....

 

Don't get too down on yourself. Just chalk it up to experience. It's easy to get carried away by feelings--that's Mother Nature's plan! It's how she keeps the species alive.

 

Next time, remember how tricky hormones can be, and try to take a step back. It can be hard though, because the whole love-thing is a fun ride.

[catfeeder]

I screwed up. Now I realize that, I screwed MYSELF up. That situationship (if at all even) was a real blow for me because I thought I chanced my ways in dating after my last breakup. I thought I was a new person. I had the confidence I would not make the same mistakes again as I did with my ex. But I did and this time I even worse mistakes. I am working on setting boundaries and not overtrusting or falling in love too quickly and too easily. Both these men in my life did absolutely nothing to deserve it!!! I`m loving potential, imagination, fantasies and feelings. And it`s so hard for me to realize that I gave those utter scums a place in my heart. I sold myself for too small a price. That`s what`s bugging me. That he is somewhere feeling good and proud and boasty about having his way with me. I`m so sad about this....

 

We each get to decide how we will leverage learning experiences or harm ourselves with them. You can consider these guys learning devices rather than viewing yourself as victimized or played, and you can take pride in a takeaway of pursuing what you wanted, learning what works and what doesn't, and build yourself UP for the learning instead of tearing yourself down.

 

It's a decision, so choose wisely. It makes no sense to take typical mistakes and drill ourselves into a deeper hole to climb out of for making them. Instead, adopt resilience and pride, and screen potential relationships carefully by dating them without sex until you learn where you stand--and want to stand--with a guy. If they won't stick around for that, then they screen themselves out, and all you need to do is pay attention to the differences between their attitudes and behaviors versus your ideals. Stick with your ideals instead of compromising those, and allow everyone who falls short to pass early.

 

It only takes one good match, but there will be a lot of toads before you meet him.

 

Head high.

[proseyxi]

But then again you picked him up in a club and you viewed him as beneath you from the start, so why pursue that type of thing? The key is to not get this desperate..

No, I never viewed him s beneath me! Quite the opposite. As with him and my ex, I idolized them to the point that I started to believe they are my only one chance. Despite being a high quality woman myself, I still find it hard to find men that won`t gaslight me or downgrade me because they are insecure.

[proseyxi]

But then again you picked him up in a club and you viewed him as beneath you from the start, so why pursue that type of thing? The key is to not get this desperate..

No, I never viewed him s beneath me! Quite the opposite. As with him and my ex, I idolized them to the point that I started to believe they are my only one chance. Despite being a high quality woman myself, I still find it hard to find men that won`t gaslight me or downgrade me because they are insecure.

[proseyxi]

Instead, adopt resilience and pride, and screen potential relationships carefully by dating them without sex until you learn where you stand--and want to stand--with a guy.

 

But the problem is that this is exactly what I do. He in fact is the second man in my life that I had sex with. And as a person with high standars and values, I marvel on how did I get to forget all that. I wasn`t "thristy", "needy", with low self esteeme the time I met him. I was so strong and couldn`t care less about dating. So that`s what`s keeping me up at night. And the fear I`ll see him with another girl somewhere.

[Wiseman2]

Chance at what? If you want a LTR it needs to build slowly where you take your time getting to know them and dating in a regular not fast/furious pace. Ok just don't do this with men and they won't be as eager to bolt. No one wants to be laser-focused on or the centre of someone's universe or "last chance".

 

Relax and pace yourself. Be selective make choices and don't feel desperate. Make sure it's not beer goggles or club drugs, etc making the choices.

As with him and my ex, I idolized them to the point that I started to believe they are my only one chance.

[catfeeder]

But the problem is that this is exactly what I do. He in fact is the second man in my life that I had sex with. And as a person with high standars and values, I marvel on how did I get to forget all that. I wasn`t "thristy", "needy", with low self esteeme the time I met him. I was so strong and couldn`t care less about dating.

 

No, you skipped the screening part. Why did you green light all of those red flags?

 

The guy showed you up front that he was never relationship material. So why were you surprised?

[proseyxi]

Chance at what? If you want a LTR it needs to build slowly where you take your time getting to know them and dating in a regular not fast/furious pace. Ok just don't do this with men and they won't be as eager to bolt. No one wants to be laser-focused on or the centre of someone's universe or "last chance".

 

Relax and pace yourself. Be selective make choices and don't feel desperate. Make sure it's not beer goggles or club drugs, etc making the choices.

 

The last chance of somebody liking me. To everyone around me it`s infuriating because they all say I look like a model, green eyes, blonde hair, toned body, I`m educated, I`m financially independant, have a good personality etc. And although I know that, I don`t reprehend it. Do I make any sense? So how is it no high value men approach me? Maybe it`s as you said, I should go to better places. I`m working on leveling up on that.

 

Sometimes I do feel desperate. When I get the "aw, a girl like you can`t be alone" or "you are so pretty you`ll find someone". And you have girls that are your average plain jane that are in happy and healthy relationships. I wish I could be a plain jane sometimes.

[proseyxi]

No, you skipped the screening part. Why did you green light all of those red flags?

 

The guy showed you up front that he was never relationship material. So why were you surprised?

 

Because I didn`t think those were red flags. Or rather I gave him the benefit of the doubt, because I thought I was wrongly judging him because of my past experiences. And also I didn`t want to be needy or clingy. I saw his eagerness as interest, but never again will I make the same mistake.

[Wiseman2]

The places you choose to meet men are not high value places. Work on your personality. Make sure the" dig me, look at me, check me out, I'm hot," vibe is not in the forefront.

So how is it no high value men approach me? I wish I could be a plain jane sometimes.

[proseyxi]

I've never boasted about my looks, nor do I think they are important. My looks never helped me on anything really. On the contrary, everyone points out that I think too low of myself. Never have I been told I give off y or arrogant vibes. Again on the contrary I'm always told I come off as sweet, pleasant and uplifting and that's why they approach me. That's the feedback I get.

[catfeeder]

Because I didn`t think those were red flags. Or rather I gave him the benefit of the doubt, because I thought I was wrongly judging him because of my past experiences. And also I didn`t want to be needy or clingy. I saw his eagerness as interest, but never again will I make the same mistake.

 

Okay, good. So you can see that you HAVE learned something valuable. You can either build your confidence with that, or you can tear yourself down. Those are your choices.

 

Since learning is a process of errors, it makes no sense to beat ourselves up every time we need to experience something before we can learn from it. A missile that hits its target perfectly does so through a series of off-target errors that correct before it can lock onto it's target. There is no straight line to perfection.

 

Allowing yourself to learn and grow means that you develop empathy by learning how to be kind and inspiring toward your SELF. You can lock onto misery if you choose, and nobody here can talk you out of that. But how does it serve you to drill yourself into a deeper hole to climb out of?

 

Head high, and go easy on yourself for being perfectly imperfect.