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It's been 9 months since my first relationship/breakup and I can't let go


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You can probably guess I wasn't the dumper. I'm angry because he just seems perfectly fine and his life hasn't been affected at all. I feel like I lost my best friend and favorite person. So he wants to be friends. I'm still hurt and crying about it and I feel so pathetic for still wanting to be with him. I truly felt like we had a really great bond (but yes this was my first relationship and I'm in my late 20s. I'm a late bloomer. I feel like I should also mention he is 4 years younger in his early 20s).

I know not talking to him and probably seeing him less would help but I cannot make myself do it. I absolutely fear never talking to him again. We met at work and worked together for about 3 years (dating for almost 3) and he has recently moved on to another store location to a new title. So we will have more distance.

I don't know what to do and everyone around me is just telling me that I'll find someone else. I'm sure...I can. But I don't want anyone else...

At this point I'm also thinking I wish we never dated because I hurt too much and it won't go away.

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Accept that it's over. That is the first step to getting over him. Then, stop talking to him... it's like quitting smoking. You'll never be able to do it if you keep having a drag. After that, everytime he pops into your mind, consciously change your thoughts of him to something else. Once you are no longer sitting pining for him (because you've accepted that its over) then you will be on your way to being over him and you'll look forward to meeting someone new.


You've not even accepted it's over yet hence why you put this is the "Getting back together" sub forum. There is no indication in your opening thread that getting back together is on his mind.


Why did you guys break up?

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I'm sorry for your broken heart, DamagedAlone. You're not damaged though.


Look at it this way, no matter what a best friend he was, he still wasn't good enough and you deserve so much more. And, don't be friends because it would feel too awkward all the time. Once it's over, it's really over and a done deal.


One door closes and another will open up for you. A better man will come along and he will truly honor you with his life. Any other man isn't sincere enough.


Sometimes such as now you have to have a "Good Riddance!" attitude in order to begin thinking positively.


Let time heal your old wounds someday and this ex will become a blur.


In the meantime, have healthy distractions, workout, surround yourself with encouraging, respectable people and let your heart heal and recover. Take it easy.


Stay strong and hang tough.

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You've gotten great advice here. I will add block and delete him from your phone and all social media. When your mind drifts to thoughts of him, go do something else to distracrt yourself. You have to figure out how to accept that it's over. We've all gone thru this one way or another and yeah it hurts, but you will survive. Maybe join a club or group, take up a new hobby, volunteer somewhere, get busy! Sitting around moping and crying wont get you anywhere.

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Your story sounds so similar to my first breakup. Like you, I was also into my late 20's when I had my first relationship and when she ended it, it wrecked me hard. She was also someone I considered my best friend and also the only friend I had in the city I had moved to to be with her. We tried the friend thing for about six months but every time she left, it was crushing. Knowing she was going to be with someone else...even if she didn't love him, she didn't want to be with me either. Finally enough was enough, I wasn't healing and she wasn't changing her mind so I had to break contact with her. It was extremely difficult and she fought it as hard as she could but she wasn't the one hurting. After enough time passed we could actually talk and be friendly and occasionally go to dinner or something but the thing was, in that time, I realized she wasn't as great as I had made her to be. She wasn't horrible but I realized I wouldn't want to be with her even if the opportunity came up. Not saying that will happen with you, just something I realized after taking a step back and getting the emotions out of the equation.


I think you know what you need to do and that you need to do it for you because if you don't, you'll waste time in despair instead of making steps towards healing.

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He said he wants to be friends??

And how has be behaved within this “friendship”?

Do you hang out as friends, does he talk about new girls of interest to him , as a normal friend would?

Or has he simply remained on your social media , therefore not an actual friend ?


Is that the kind of “friend” you want or need in your life?


“I don't know what to do and everyone around me is just telling me that I'll find someone else. I'm sure...I can. But I don't want anyone else...”


The people around you are right and wrong.

Yes you will find someone else , no you won’t find someone else with your current mindset.


It’s good that you don’t want anyone else , because that would be a rebound only. But a rebound shouldn’t happen 9 months later? You have delayed the grief process by remaining stuck in the hope phase.

Time to move in from that. And move on to the acceptance phase.


How? Remove him completely from social media. Block his number.

Not because he is a bad guy , he doesn’t seem to be , but for your own healing.

You do not need to notify him that you are going to remove and block. In all honesty I think it will be a few weeks or longer before he would even notice.

Because he has moved on.


Good luck!!

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I know not talking to him and probably seeing him less would help but I cannot make myself do it


Yes you can.


You no longer work in proximity.


Block him on FB, Insta and all social media.


Block his number on your phone.


Put his email on reject.


This guy ejected you from his life, so why are you hanging on?


When you have done these things, post back here and the good folk will be able to help you with suggestions about how to re-engage with yourself, improve yourself, and move forward.


Once you decide to do no contact, then post here if you are thinking of breaking it - you'll get some back up.

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It hurts op , it hurts like hell and back and then some ....if you are 16 or 60 ...first relationship or 100th ..the pain , the missing someone like your insides are twisting , the pain in your heart is so bad you can actually understand when someone says they thought they would die from a broken heart .


Gives you a backbone the size of a Tyrannosaurus and you find you have joined a new club ....where everyone KNOWS what this feels like .


You have to put one foot infront of the other my darling and keep going , knowing that every day is a day further away from this pain . It will end , you will end up with someone else eventually , you wont always feel like this and yes we really do know this for sure .


So the whole friends thing chatting to him ...no no and no ...... let me put it to you like this , he will move on to someone else in time , do you want to be his chat buddy then ? Why does he get to dump you and have you as well ....you have to find the strength to shut this down , the outcome will never change , you are just prolonging it .


You wont care if you talk to him or not in time ....


Everyone crosses our path for a reason , some stay with us , others get off along the journey and that is how life is ...but as you say goodbye to one person on your path even if you didn't want to , believe the universe has other plans for you further along your journey . You don't know the wonders that are in store . People cross us to teach us , for us to teach them , for us to gain experience and I truy believe some of us need to go through this a few times before we are ready for that true deep love .


You will be ok * hugs ....

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Sorry to hear this. How long ago did you breakup? What was the breakup about? How old was he when you started dating? It sounds like he was a teenager when you started dating and you were more mature and ready for more in life than he may have been. Since he is working at a different location, try to distance yourself a bit more.

he wants to be friends. I'm in my late 20s. he is 4 years younger in his early 20s.

We met at work and worked together for about 3 years dating for almost 3

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He is fine because it was his decision to break up. He doesn't feel the loss of control you feel. Plus he had time to think about and process the break up while he was still in your relationship, which gave him a head start when it comes to moving on. Most dumpers do have that on their side. Plus, you keep talking to him so it's not like he lost anything he wanted. You are still his friend so the break up had no consequences for him.


It feels like the pain won't go away because a) it is your first break up and b) you are still talking to him. You need to accept that the break up unfortunately HAS happened and it CANNOT be undone. However, it's good that you dated because this experience will in time help you mature and be better in your next relationship.


Here is the thing though: In order to heal and get better, you need to stop all contact with him. That means no talking, deleting and blocking his phone number, deleting and blocking him on all social media and refraining from asking mutual friends and acquaintances about him. This is because contact is keeping you stuck in the past. Contact is keeping you from healing.


Never talking to him again is less painful than sticking around long enough to meet his next girlfriend. Think about it. By staying friends with him you are helping him move on while you prolong your pain. Once he finds a new love interest, he won't care whether you are his friend anymore and if his new girlfriend asks him he is going to drop you altogether.


Dumpers ask to be friends with dumpees because it helps them feel a)less guilty about hurting the dumpee and b)less lonely until they find someone new. Please, don't stick around for that. You are only helping him move on at your expense. If you cut all contact you will will save yourself from the pain of false hope and seeing them move on to someone new. Staying in contact is what is keeping you stuck.


It WILL get better. You WILL find someone else. But you need to let go of the hope and the what ifs. The break up HAS happened and it couldn't have happened any other way because he is not the one for you. If he was compatible, you wouldn't be in this situation. Accept and let go. Stop all contact.

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