Guy I’m dating asked to meet my son

[Cherylyn]

Always have "eagle eyes" on your child.

 

You can't be too careful.

 

This guy's interest and enthusiasm to meet your child is just plain weird which should give you goosebumps.

 

I'm a mother of 2 sons and protective of them as a mother should be. When they were young, I didn't even allow them to walk into a men's restroom all by themselves. No way. Call me paranoid or whatever you want but at least I raised them SAFELY and they left the nest unscathed due to my vigilance.

 

From one mother to the other, never let your guard down.

[catfeeder]

You are most definitely villainizing the poor guy.

 

Hah! You're kidding, right?

 

I'm not interested in the guy, he's a big boy and can handle himself regardless of whether some Internet stranger mischaracterizes him.

 

My whole point has been that the guy is not the point. So his context is irrelevant.

 

Either a parent who wants to date has formed some private ground rules about their kid, or not. If not, there's no time like the present.

 

Forming private rules takes context out of the equation, because the key word is 'private'. A rule operates regardless of what kind of guy wants an invite. Stating a rule up front prevents anyone in any context from trying to replace your best judgment with their own.

 

So if the guy mentioned the kid casually, you can just as casually mention that your private rule for dating is that you don't introduce your child to your dates.

 

Boom-done, and it's that simple. Nothing else to see there, and zero pedophile accusations to lather up about.

[figureitout23]

Hah! You're kidding, right?

 

I'm not interested in the guy, he's a big boy and can handle himself regardless of whether some Internet stranger mischaracterizes him.

 

My whole point has been that the guy is not the point. So his context is irrelevant.

 

Either a parent who wants to date has formed some private ground rules about their kid, or not. If not, there's no time like the present.

 

Forming private rules takes context out of the equation, because the key word is 'private'. A rule operates regardless of what kind of guy wants an invite. Stating a rule up front prevents anyone in any context from trying to replace your best judgment with their own.

 

So if the guy mentioned the kid casually, you can just as casually mention that your private rule for dating is that you don't introduce your child to your dates.

 

Boom-done, and it's that simple. Nothing else to see there, and zero pedophile accusations to lather up about.

 

Apologies.

 

I mischaracterized you as a member of the pedophile posse.

 

I actually completely agree with you, he is irrelevant, at least until clarification is made, even then, as I stated above, you are your children’s keeper, the parent. If your concern lies with relationship status vs. timelines of meeting children... well...

[mayflower165]

Thanks everyone for your advice. I actually found out he’s been dating some one who lives out of state. Luckily the meeting with my son never happened. I blocked all communication from him

[Batya33]

Thanks everyone for your advice. I actually found out he’s been dating some one who lives out of state. Luckily the meeting with my son never happened. I blocked all communication from him

 

Oh I am so sorry. I am glad you dodged a bullet.

[figureitout23]

Thanks everyone for your advice. I actually found out he’s been dating some one who lives out of state. Luckily the meeting with my son never happened. I blocked all communication from him

 

Yeesh!

 

What a piece of work.

 

Bullet dodged!

 

But lesson learned, no man needs to be meeting your son right off the bat, and it is not any indication of seriousness, your child does not come into play until later.

 

Best of luck.

[Cherylyn]

Thanks everyone for your advice. I actually found out he’s been dating some one who lives out of state. Luckily the meeting with my son never happened. I blocked all communication from him

 

Phew! Glad you escaped that one!

[Billie28]

Thanks everyone for your advice. I actually found out he’s been dating some one who lives out of state. Luckily the meeting with my son never happened. I blocked all communication from him

 

Well it’s not a bad lesson to learn!

Any normal person that is genuinely interested in dating you and pursuing a relationship with you , would not ask to meet your son imo

They would respectfully wait until you ask them would they like to meet your son.

 

The earliest should be 6 months in but preferably more like 12 months , because many people split around the 12 month mark . You often have to go through every season in the year to see someone’s true colours.

 

I am curious as to how you found out?

Your original question was does this mean he is interested basically. So you must have had some suspicion that something wasn’t quite right?

[mayflower165]

He told me he was going out of state to visit family. But on his Instagram story I saw a girl it looked like they were on a date. I texted him about it. He ignored my message, and then blocked me from viewing his Instagram stories. However I have my ways around seeing hidden stories. He posted her again. It looked like another date. I contacted the girl via Instagram and she confirmed that the two of them have been seeing each other for as long as he’s been seeing me. They even took a vacation together a while back after only 2 months of dating. He also invited her to the same event he invited me to. I feel so awful because some how I keep encountering the wrong type of men. It really makes me feel hopeless, like I’m meant to be single or something.

[mayflower165]

I’m the friend in my group with all the bad date stories. Mean while everyone else finds a relationship quickly. I feel like giving up on dating.

[Wiseman2]

Yikes, don't stuff like this. Make sure it's not baggage from the past, since you have friends on speed-dial to circumvent social media blocks. Just take things slower. Dating should not be a detective show.

 

Use better judgement all the way around. That means make sure who you're with before future talk and family talk. That means dating to get to know each other. You're simply going way too fast and over-investing. When you reflect and slow down you'll be able to rule out players like this sooner.

 

This is why after a breakup people need to block the ex and All their people.

I contacted the girl via Instagram and she confirmed that the two of them have been seeing each other for as long as he’s been seeing me.

[Camber 2019]

Sorry to hear this Don't ever give up!

 

As far as meeting the kids, I don't agree that there is a "set" amount of time you should wait. I believe it all depends on where the relationship is, and where it is going. If you both agree you are exclusive, and you both intend on making it a long term relationship, I think 3 months is fine. However, if you have any doubts (such as you did), or don't see it going anywhere, then leave the kids out of it.

 

My ex introduced our Son to every guy she brought home, and this started when he was only 4 years old. Not a good thing to do...

 

I waited about 4 months, until I knew my girlfriend and I were planning on staying together. I guess that worked well... we're still together 11 years later! (she's the only one he ever met).

[bluecastle]

Sorry about the tough run with men, and this one in particular. Dating can be devastating.

 

I’m curious: Are you letting men know what you want, both in terms of romance (committed partnership, say) and in terms of the steps you’d like to get there? I ask because you mentioned earlier that there were no exclusive talks, which gave me the impression that the past three months unspooled in a nebulous state: good times with your fingers crossed (tighter as emotions increased) that he was thinking and feeling roughly what you were.

 

My personal rule is that I start having some version of those talks when (a) I know I want to be exclusive and (b) I know I can’t continue to open up if we’re not there, or very intentionally heading in that direction. That point comes at different times with different people, but I’ve always found it most important, for my own sanity, to be honest about when it comes for me. Removes the guesswork, keeps my hands on the wheel while opening up to another person.

 

For example: I personally knew after about two weeks—really two dates—that I had no interest in even going on a coffee date with anyone but my now girlfriend. I also knew I didn’t want to rush anything—for me, and how I operate, not in order to avoid “scaring her off.” Where was her head? Had no idea, but I was okay not knowing, meaning I was genuinely okay to put myself in a potentially vulnerable situation: continuing to explore something with someone who was maybe exploring other things, as she was allowed. Then (after a month or so) I realized it would be insincere to continue like that, and expressed it, while expressing another truth that, while monogamous partnership was my dating goal—in general, with her—I wasn’t trying to fast track anything into a label. Turned out we were in the same spot, which was great, but it would have been okay if we weren’t. Sad, disappointing, but okay. It just would have meant divesting emotionally rather than continuing to invest.

 

This guy is no good and the situation is an unfortunate one. That said, it’s equally unfortunate that, after 3 months, you’re trying to understand him—who he is, what you have—by watching IG stories and then contacting women over IG, rather than through a series of small talks and periods of observation. I’d say those are habits worth breaking, for your own peace of mind. Once you’re there the plot is kind of already lost, as even if this woman told you she was his sister or old friend and was being straight—well, it wouldn’t have removed the part where you’d let the jitters get to a volatile place. Everything was already too sideways to feel straight.

 

Better to express yourself, ask questions, listen to what someone says, then keep observing. Sure, some people will lie, but people are also pretty readable: our guts get edgy or our guts get calm. That’s the observation part, with a calm gut being the ultimate goal. Then we get to decide how much we’re willing to gamble, so the “power” stays with us, allowing us to be open with our feelings and intentions while protecting ourselves from people who don’t share them.

 

Sorry about all this, truly. Hope that helps as you mourn this chapter and move forward.

[mayflower165]

Thank you so much for your advice. Once my feelings for this guys started to grow I should have made my intentions clear. However, in the past I’ve had guys lie to me when the topic was brought up. I kind of just figured I’d let his actions speak for itself this time around. And let things come to light.

[bluecastle]

I hear you.

 

Yes, some people blatantly lie and (more often) some people truly mean one thing on Monday and then truly mean another on Friday, or one thing when naked and another after a grueling work week. That’s the insanity of early romance—an insanity that is allowed—which is why that observation time is so important. It’s what allows us to be both open and protected.

 

Was my girlfriend lying when she communicated to me she was on the same page? Was I lying when I communicated to her how I felt? Probably we both wondered that, but in a soft way, meaning we wondered how “solid” those words and feelings were. Would they “hold” for another week or another month, becoming more “true,” or would they change shape, becoming more “false”? Those are the things time answers, even more than people. So while actions are ultimately the most important thing, words are what gives some context to assess them so we’re not trying to translate a language (the language of actions) without a dictionary.

 

All that is kind of how trust gets built—slowly—as it’s about seeing if you speak roughly the same language (words and actions) as another person. But you’ve got to trust yourself first, since that’s your base. Don’t outsource that to social media or, especially, to trying to figure out what someone “means” when they say anything about your son, even if it’s as light and polite as, “Sounds like a cool kid.” All that just puts you in a vulnerable spot, regardless of whether the man is a saint or a sinner.

[mayflower165]

I just feel really depressed about the situation, and so stupid. I’m so tired of dating.

[catfeeder]

I just feel really depressed about the situation, and so stupid. I’m so tired of dating.

 

Take breaks from dating whenever you need them, but don't sentence yourself to any proclamations about 'forever'. This will allow you to refresh and gain clearer vision to screen out bad matches early.

 

Don't dabble is 'casual'. It's another term for "I don't know what I want," and it catches people up in messy and discouraging scenarios.

 

Get clarity about what you want, then state that up front when you meet people. Learn whether they are just as clear about what they want from dating, and whether or not their vision matches your agenda. If not, skip them and move on to meet other people.

 

Quick coffee meets are an effective way of screening BEFORE dating. Use dating apps to set up quick coffees with people on your way home from work. Send 15 to 30 minutes checking one another out with an agreement that neither can corner the other for a 'real' date on the spot, but either can invite the other afterward. If the answer is yes, the other responds, and if not, no response is necessary.

 

This takes exhausting dating and rejections off the table. It allows you to screen people at face value to discover whether there's potential for chemistry. If not, you won't waste your time on full dates with people who you can tell in 5 minutes aren't for you.

 

Head high, we all live and learn that most people are NOT our match. It's a needle in the haystack thing. Too much time on bad matches is discouraging, so learn how to screen carefully, and it will change your whole dating experience while allowing room to find true simpatico.

 

If love were not rare, what would be so special about it?

[LaHermes]

Mayflower. In 2017 you wrote:

 

"I have been using online dating for over 5 years and I’m still single! "

 

And here we are end of 2019 and you say:

 

"I’m so tired of dating." So, we are looking at seven years.

 

You know what they say about doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

 

What do YOU think you should do at this juncture?

[mayflower165]

Honestly, I’m emotionally drained. As I reflect and look back on my personal life as a child and my dating history, I realize the problem is me. I hold on to men for too long that I should’ve let go of. I’ve had a warped understanding of love. I mistake being ignored and going through a tough time with a guy with love. I’ve always been the “go with a flow type of girl, afraid to speak up for myself” I know this stems from my childhood, and the way I was raised. I believe I also suffer from a bit of PTSD. I’ve never told anyone, but my sons father sexually assaulted me and I became pregnant. That’s something I’ve also been sweeping under the rug for years. That alone makes me feel worthless, and unloveable. Especially seeing how other women have got it all so easily. One guy they have to date and then boom it’s instant love. Whereas me, I have been doing this for seven years. Still can’t find love.

[LaHermes]

Aaahh Mayflower. Not so. L.

 

"One guy they have to date and then boom it’s instant love"

 

That scenario would be most unhealthy. No such thing as instant love. And I can guarantee no one has it easy. Appearances are very deceptive.

 

I am so sorry to read of the awful experiences you had in the past.

 

Often the harder you look for something the more elusive it is. Or, maybe looking in entirely the wrong places. Love cannot be brought down with a left and a right like a bird.

 

I cringe at that expression (I hear it sometimes here in real life too among people), "Go with the flow". I have been known to tartly respond "Yes, like sheep following each other through a gap".

 

Your first step is get support so you stop feeling worthless and unlovable. You are neither. But you need to hear it, all the time, there on the ground where you are.

[mayflower165]

Thank you, I decided that I’m going to start going to therapy. Hopefully it helps me out

[bluecastle]

Honestly, I’m emotionally drained. As I reflect and look back on my personal life as a child and my dating history, I realize the problem is me. I hold on to men for too long that I should’ve let go of. I’ve had a warped understanding of love. I mistake being ignored and going through a tough time with a guy with love. I’ve always been the “go with a flow type of girl, afraid to speak up for myself” I know this stems from my childhood, and the way I was raised. I believe I also suffer from a bit of PTSD. I’ve never told anyone, but my sons father sexually assaulted me and I became pregnant. That’s something I’ve also been sweeping under the rug for years. That alone makes me feel worthless, and unloveable. Especially seeing how other women have got it all so easily. One guy they have to date and then boom it’s instant love. Whereas me, I have been doing this for seven years. Still can’t find love.

 

Just want to say that I love this post. You're hurt and confused right now, I know, and for that I'm sorry, as I'm sorry for what you've been through. But in these words I see something that has been missing from past posts: you. Layers of strength and tenderness, of longing and resilience, of a unique set of experiences that have made you, well, awesomely unique. This is the gold to mine—and, with the right person, a the right time, to share.

 

But it seems, right now, you're realizing you need to do some self-mining first. That is fabulous. It's kind of the difference between trying to get in shape by hanging out with someone who is super fit vs doing lots of pushups and jumping jacks. Do the latter and something odd happens: you naturally start gravitating toward the fitter people and away from the slouches who only look good if you squint hard enough. I'm putting this in surface-level terms to make a point about the glories that exist beneath the surface.

 

There is so much to celebrate in your post above, once harnessed, by which I mean once you start celebrating it. Find that toehold and men are simple: they can either celebrate it alongside you, or not. Instead of those being verdicts on you they become facts about the universe. Not everyone will be able to celebrate you as you need—as you do—which is okay. The point is finding the ones who can.

[mayflower165]

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. When I look at it from a different view I am pretty resilient. I know that there’s work I need to do on myself as well.