Help to work it out with my fluctuating girlfriend

[chapo62]

You're too serious and verbally inclined. Leave her alone and let her come to you for sex. If she knows your door's open to her for sex only, there should be no problem there. If you're emotionally attached to her it's coming out in your overthinking. Stop all that. Otherwise you're not cut out for sex/friends with benefits. Be honest about that with yourself if it's just not right for you.

 

Thank you!

 

In the first couple of months, it was mostly her he would try to meet me (for conversations or for sex). I perhaps misunderstood it as a need for a 'romantic relationship' and took it a bit far. I am willing to step back (if need be) and take this as a physical-only relationship. But perhaps she now thinks that I may not be cut out for 'friends with benefits'. Any advice on how to clear the air? Is a frank conversation the only way?

[reinventmyself]

You gave 30 reasons to support why she wouldn't want to be with you, compared to 2 that shows she's somewhat conflicted and likes the sex.

It's just not enough to work with.

Sorry.

[Wiseman2]

Do you think she is giving it this much thought? Make sure you are not heading into a stalking or obsessing mentality. Leave her be. She knows your contact info. If she wants to reconcile she'll contact you.

My mind is thinking in the following ways:

1. Maybe she really is under a lot of stress.

2. Maybe she is not comfortable with an emotional relationship.

3. Maybe this was always a fling for her.

4. Maybe is there someone else she is interested in?

5. Maybe she is insecure and thinks I can do better than her.

6. Maybe she really is hurt with my drinking behavior.

[Hollyj]

You gave 30 reasons to support why she wouldn't want to be with you, compared to 2 that shows she's somewhat conflicted and likes the sex.

It's just not enough to work with.

Sorry.

 

I don't get why anyone would pursue someone who does not want to be with them. Not healthy.

[Camber 2019]

No other way to say this chapo... but you really (IMHO) need to grow a set of balls

[chapo62]

Do you think she is giving it this much thought? Make sure you are not heading into a stalking or obsessing mentality. Leave her be. She knows your contact info. If she wants to reconcile she'll contact you.

 

I agree with you. I have tried a few times to let her be. But every time she has come back within a day or two with frequent calls and asks to meet etc. I guess this has also led me to not think clearly through the situation. But I hear you - I need to hold my fort better than I have.

[chapo62]

No other way to say this chapo... but you really (IMHO) need to grow a set of balls

 

Thank you for being direct. But it would really help if you can elaborate further.

[chapo62]

I don't get why anyone would pursue someone who does not want to be with them. Not healthy.

 

True. But every time I have tried to distance myself from the situation, I have received mixed signals from her and I have not moved on.

[Camber 2019]

Thank you for being direct. But it would really help if you can elaborate further.

 

Well, (and I say this because I have had it pointed out to me in the past)... Based on her behavior toward you, I think you are being made a fool of. We are really here to help you and hate to see someone being taken advantage of. I know it's difficult to see when you are that crazy about someone, but you need to RESPECT YOURSELF!

[Wiseman2]

Yes and that is colloquially known as the friendzone.

But every time she has come back within a day or two with frequent calls and asks to meet etc.

[reinventmyself]

True. But every time I have tried to distance myself from the situation, I have received mixed signals from her and I have not moved on.

 

Life lesson - A mixed message mean: NO GO

[chapo62]

Well, (and I say this because I have had it pointed out to me in the past)... Based on her behavior toward you, I think you are being made a fool of. We are really here to help you and hate to see someone being taken advantage of. I know it's difficult to see when you are that crazy about someone, but you need to RESPECT YOURSELF!

 

Thank you!

 

Also (if it were to be true), is there any merit in telling her that she has just taken advantage of me and that it is not right? (while, of course, I am cognizant of my share of errors in the process)

[chapo62]

Yes and that is colloquially known as the friendzone.

 

Ouch! I didn't read that one.

[Camber 2019]

Thank you!

 

Also (if it were to be true), is there any merit in telling her that she has just taken advantage of me and that it is not right? (while, of course, I am cognizant of my share of errors in the process)

 

I suppose either way is OK. If you can get that point across without being emotional or acting as if you are the victim (not saying that you would) then OK, otherwise she might think it is just another plea to get her back. So, straight, to the point, no emotion. Next time she want s to get together just say "Naw, I'll pass, I don't like being taken advantage of".

 

Or, just say "I'm not really into this type of relationship, it's been fun, but the ship has sailed".

[chapo62]

I suppose either way is OK. If you can get that point across without being emotional or acting as if you are the victim (not saying that you would) then OK, otherwise she might think it is just another plea to get her back. So, straight, to the point, no emotion. Next time she want s to get together just say "Naw, I'll pass, I don't like being taken advantage of".

 

Or, just say "I'm not really into this type of relationship, it's been fun, but the ship has sailed".

 

Fair enough.

 

A part of me does feel I'd be fine if the physical intimacy continues till one of us finds someone to move on. But I guess I need to decide this for myself and take a stance.

[Camber 2019]

Fair enough.

 

A part of me does feel I'd be fine if the physical intimacy continues till one of us finds someone to move on. But I guess I need to decide this for myself and take a stance.

 

I'm glad you can handle the direct nature of some of our advice! IMO (and this is just what I have surmised from your posts) I DON"T think you would be fine if the physical intimacy continues till one of you finds someone to move on. I think this is where the problem is... you want to be that FWB, no emotion guy, but it's just not you. And that's fine, I'm the same way.

 

So, what I'm saying is... if you try to be something you're not, you are going to end up very hurt.

[MissCanuck]

OP, you basically already have an FWB situation going here.

 

You're clearly not okay with that, since you refer to her as your girlfriend in the title of this thread and are trying to figure out how to resolve this. You need to be honest with yourself here. Long-term FWB is not going to work for you, or this thread wouldn't even exist. You'd be rolling with the punches, enjoying the sex when it happens, and not expecting it become more than it is. You would recognize that this is how FWB goes - not speaking all the time, not officially dating, not having sex with strings attached.

 

This is all going to prove a waste of your time. She also didn't take advantage of you if you were a willing participant and clearly knew you were not her boyfriend. You would be best to let her go and stop having sex with her, too.

[Batya33]

Thank you!

 

Another point I had to mention was: This seems similar to the first serious relationship I had back in undergrad. She too had a few similarities to the current one:

 

1. Does not want to tell people about us

2. Breaks up out of nowhere

3. Gets close when in need of attention or intimacy

 

This behavior went on for a year, and then she was a great partner for the next 2-3 years (until we broke up). So, I wonder if there is merit in persisting this for a while!

 

Then you're being inconsistent because you're apparently not ok with a sexual arrangement. You want a serious relationship as a goal. She does not. Comparing her to another individual who ended up wanting to be with you for 2-3 years makes no sense.

[Hollyj]

No other way to say this chapo... but you really (IMHO) need to grow a set of balls

 

Agree.......

[Rose Mosse]

Thank you!

 

In the first couple of months, it was mostly her he would try to meet me (for conversations or for sex). I perhaps misunderstood it as a need for a 'romantic relationship' and took it a bit far. I am willing to step back (if need be) and take this as a physical-only relationship. But perhaps she now thinks that I may not be cut out for 'friends with benefits'. Any advice on how to clear the air? Is a frank conversation the only way?

 

I'd clear the air by staying attentive behind closed doors (in your private sex life with her). Leave everything else. I think a frank conversation is too heavy and it's not necessary at this point. Just cool off and stop initiating as much contact. Keep your conversations fun and lighthearted, flirt a lot and enjoy each others' company.

 

Don't follow up if you haven't heard from her in a few days or a week etc. You both don't seem to have a pattern of seeing each other. Or do you? For ie, do you see each other once a week or once a fortnight? A couple of times a month? Keep it simple and easygoing.

 

Long, frank, explanatory conversations are best left in the relationship arena or for relationships heading towards commitment. Trust in both of you to read each others cues. If you can't do that there's something wrong with your vibe (as in your vibe between the both of you). Don't overexplain yourself.

[chapo62]

OP, you basically already have an FWB situation going here.

 

You're clearly not okay with that, since you refer to her as your girlfriend in the title of this thread and are trying to figure out how to resolve this. You need to be honest with yourself here. Long-term FWB is not going to work for you, or this thread wouldn't even exist. You'd be rolling with the punches, enjoying the sex when it happens, and not expecting it become more than it is. You would recognize that this is how FWB goes - not speaking all the time, not officially dating, not having sex with strings attached.

 

This is all going to prove a waste of your time. She also didn't take advantage of you if you were a willing participant and clearly knew you were not her boyfriend. You would be best to let her go and stop having sex with her, too.

 

Thank you!

 

I'll have to answer to myself if I can re-calibrate myself to be okay with FWB, and if so, also manage to tell her that I am no more emotionally involved.

[chapo62]

Then you're being inconsistent because you're apparently not ok with a sexual arrangement. You want a serious relationship as a goal. She does not. Comparing her to another individual who ended up wanting to be with you for 2-3 years makes no sense.

 

You are right - right now I am just trying to completely convince myself that this cannot work out as a serious relationship. And hence, I am probing all angles.

 

I guess I'll have to answer to myself if I can re-calibrate myself to be okay with FWB, and if so, also manage to tell her that I am no more emotionally involved.

[chapo62]

I'd clear the air by staying attentive behind closed doors (in your private sex life with her). Leave everything else. I think a frank conversation is too heavy and it's not necessary at this point. Just cool off and stop initiating as much contact. Keep your conversations fun and lighthearted, flirt a lot and enjoy each others' company.

 

Don't follow up if you haven't heard from her in a few days or a week etc. You both don't seem to have a pattern of seeing each other. Or do you? For ie, do you see each other once a week or once a fortnight? A couple of times a month? Keep it simple and easygoing.

 

Long, frank, explanatory conversations are best left in the relationship arena or for relationships heading towards commitment. Trust in both of you to read each others cues. If you can't do that there's something wrong with your vibe (as in your vibe between the both of you). Don't overexplain yourself.

 

Yes - these past 3-4 days I have tried to just keep the conversations lighthearted, express physical intimacy etc. I guess she may have perceived this as a never ending spiral of getting back to a place that is more than just sex. At some point, I guess I should let her know of the expectations - so she does not freak out.

 

We are in college. So, we meet 4-5 times a week on an average. I will try to lay low for 2-3 days and give her space.

 

Thank you!

[Batya33]

You are right - right now I am just trying to completely convince myself that this cannot work out as a serious relationship. And hence, I am probing all angles.

 

I guess I'll have to answer to myself if I can re-calibrate myself to be okay with FWB, and if so, also manage to tell her that I am no more emotionally involved.

 

But you didn't start out as good friends who chose to have sex, right? So how is this a friends with benefits situation -isn't it more that you want to be involved with her in a serious romantic relationship and she doesn't want that with you so you'll settle for being sex partners?

[Rose Mosse]

Yes - these past 3-4 days I have tried to just keep the conversations lighthearted, express physical intimacy etc. I guess she may have perceived this as a never ending spiral of getting back to a place that is more than just sex. At some point, I guess I should let her know of the expectations - so she does not freak out.

 

We are in college. So, we meet 4-5 times a week on an average. I will try to lay low for 2-3 days and give her space.

 

Thank you!

 

That's a bit strange... What makes you think she's interested in anything serious with you? I haven't read anything about her behaviour that suggests this.