Is reconciliation possible in this scenario?

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like she doesn't want to date, nor is she ready willing or able to. If her PTSD is this bad, leave her to the professionals and steer clear. "I need to work on myself " often means someone else is in the picture but they don't want to tell you that. PTSD (for a day?) doesn't cause people to blow you off suddenly.

 

Don't play therapist. She sounds very insincere and dramatic. Take what she tells you with a grain of salt. Most of all stop trying to date, reconcile or hang out with her.

She had been going through horrific PTSD the entire day. she needs to work on herself right now and heal the toxic anger ruining her life.

[bluecastle]

I think it's worth noting the hard specifics here to try to make the same point as others are:

 

She stood you up, which sucks. That is lousy, inexcusable behavior, and it hurt you. You express that hurt and what happens? She flips the script, hard, minimizing your hurt by maximizing hers, and putting you in an awkward position. You're still hurting, because you are a human, but now you feel "bad" about it, that your hurt has a fraction of the weight as hers. You've minimized your own hurt, while still wanting to feel better, less hurt, the most basic human reaction to pain there is. Now your path to feeling better is to support her—the path you're now on, diligently.

 

What is all that, in a word? It is manipulation, on all sides.

 

I'm not saying her wounds aren't real, serious, and so on, or that your empathy is solely a Trojan Horse containing your selfishness. Still, what she did was manipulative. She replaced your feelings with her feelings, and made understanding and accommodating her feelings a "cure" for your hurt. Why is this so destructive? Because it leeches all sincerity out of the dynamic—boom, gone. Sincerity has been replaced by a disingenuous edge; the harder you both lean on that edge the further you get from sincerity. You also get cut—more hurt. And you are leaning into that edge hard right now.

 

Humans know when they're being manipulative and being manipulated. It leaves an icky residue. Think of being a child, and batting pleading, watery eyes at a parent after you fail to clean your room. You know you're being crafty, even if that playground bully did mess with you at recess, and if you get the desired response—"Oh, baby, it's okay, come into my arms..."—you feel kind of gross. Yes, the arms around you feel good, but something is off. You respect yourself a little less, and respect your parent less too. Your parent also feels kind of gross, with the price of feeling like a loving parent coming with a ding to self-respect.

 

And, in that, a system of support, affection, and love has become fueled by disrespect and insincerity. A system, right now, that you are doubling, tripling, and quadrupling down on with her. Bad coping mechanisms in her attaching onto bad coping mechanisms in you, validating each at the expense of your (and her) humanity.

 

Imagine she was a guy you met 5 months ago while playing pool. Cool dude. You two like hanging, chatting sports and life. But one day, while playing pool, he gets a little worked up and punches you in the face. He apologizes—in tears—explaining that his father used to beat him up and now he has anger issues. What is your response? Is it to continue to invest in that friendship? Probably not. You feel for the dude, genuinely, but you like your jaw intact just as genuinely. You don't want to be hurt, so you back away from the friendship. That is all much more sincere and honest, respect-driven. You hope he gets better, truly, and you express that by getting better yourself.

 

This is the same as that, or should be, except it's not. Sex and attraction exists at the edges, as do romantic hopes. That is self-interest. That energy inside you is potent with her, which she knows. You can pretend it's no longer a factor—"This is just who I am as a person—doesn't matter if we're dating"—but these aren't feelings that can be switched off. No, they can be suppressed, or channeled elsewhere—like, for instance, wanting to be a support beam and seek a proxy of romantic validation there. Which is insincere, unhealthy, providing just enough of a reward system to ensure that nothing evolves healthily and no one gets the help he or she needs.

 

Same church, different pew, said ThatwasThen. Boom. I would take that seriously, and explore it. She is pressing a button in you that has deep roots, and when that button gets pressed you seem prone to leaving your more sincere self in the pursuit of sincere feelings and connections.

[TimeToGrowUp]

You are if she uses your "support" that she hasn't requested. You also are if she ends up not going to professional therapy because she has you as her soft place to land. You do her no favours in that case.

 

She does NOT know how she needs it. You could be enabling her issues when you're not trained. To support her as she goes through therapy is one thing. To just support her in any way she needs is quite another.

 

There's where I think you need your own therapy... You should protect yourself from someone who can ruin you emotionally, not stick around, try and fix them and take a chance at your well being being damaged. You've only dated her five months. Like I said, you're not married or in a long term pairing.

 

Did you suggest she get herself to the ER or her family doctor for a referral to someone trained to help her through those? If you didn't then I have to say shame on you for not. She needs more than you being there for her to "lean on." Google White Knight Syndrome because I think it may apply simply because you've been caretaking (the dysfunction opposite of caregiving) your dysfunction parents for 20 years. Indeed! Where are her family? her friends? people that have been in her life more than 5 short months?

 

Its the same church, just a different pew.

 

You are an empty support system is she's not getting the professional help she needs. Kind and empathetic support should be a supplement to professional guidance and care... not the only thing she's using to calm herself. She needs to learn tools to self sooth and not rely on you to get her through her anxiety/angst so don't enable her with your good intentions. If her last therapist wasn't helpful then she needs to find herself another one that she can gel with. It takes more than a few sessions to get yourself over the hump of past trauma.

 

There are some genuinely good nuggets in here, but you need to tone it down how you speak to me or it's best we don't at all. I'm not a child.

 

It's literally been four days since that eye opening phone call and Rome wasn't built in that amount of time. As of the moment I am educating myself via videos and literature to better understand HOW to provide the proper support without being an enabler of the cycle. I will be attending a meeting to hear people speak in person regarding the matter as well. This is bigger than trying to win a girl back - I cannot speak to that enough. I completely missed the boat when we were dating, but I can be a better person about it today. If emotionally I find myself in a place where I cannot handle it, then I have to do what I have to do.

[ninjabib]

OP your pride is gonna end up causing you pain. You are so pumped out and determined to be this support mechanism you can't hear anything but your ego. We are trying to help. If you don't agree that's fine but no need to be aggressive.

[ThatwasThen]

There are some genuinely good nuggets in here, but you need to tone it down how you speak to me or it's best we don't at all. I'm not a child.

Sorry if you don't like the words (or the tone they took on without voice inflection) I find your response to the " way I spoke to you" overly defensive however; you got/are getting the message, that's the main thing.

 

It's literally been four days since that eye opening phone call and Rome wasn't built in that amount of time. As of the moment I am educating myself via videos and literature to better understand HOW to provide the proper support without being an enabler of the cycle. I will be attending a meeting to hear people speak in person regarding the matter as well.

Or you could just refer her to a professional where hopefully she'll get the learned advice and guidance that she needs.

 

This is bigger than trying to win a girl back - I cannot speak to that enough. I completely missed the boat when we were dating,

I think you dodged a bullet rather than missed a boat.

 

but I can be a better person about it today.

Don't forget to be the better person to YOU first. Taking on her troubles isn't being good to you.

 

If emotionally I find myself in a place where I cannot handle it, then I have to do what I have to do.

It will be too late then, I'm afraid. Insidious sneaking up of emotional disturbance is how this pans out when you become addicted to the dynamic.

[TimeToGrowUp]

I think it's worth noting the hard specifics here to try to make the same point as others are:

 

She stood you up, which sucks. That is lousy, inexcusable behavior, and it hurt you. You express that hurt and what happens? She flips the script, hard, minimizing your hurt by maximizing hers, and putting you in an awkward position. You're still hurting, because you are a human, but now you feel "bad" about it, that your hurt has a fraction of the weight as hers. You've minimized your own hurt, while still wanting to feel better, less hurt, the most basic human reaction to pain there is. Now your path to feeling better is to support her—the path you're now on, diligently.

 

What is all that, in a word? It is manipulation, on all sides.

 

I'm not saying her wounds aren't real, serious, and so on, or that your empathy is solely a Trojan Horse containing your selfishness. Still, what she did was manipulative. She replaced your feelings with her feelings, and made understanding and accommodating her feelings a "cure" for your hurt. Why is this so destructive? Because it leeches all sincerity out of the dynamic—boom, gone. Sincerity has been replaced by a disingenuous edge; the harder you both lean on that edge the further you get from sincerity. You also get cut—more hurt. And you are leaning into that edge hard right now.

 

Humans know when they're being manipulative and being manipulated. It leaves an icky residue. Think of being a child, and batting pleading, watery eyes at a parent after you fail to clean your room. You know you're being crafty, even if that playground bully did mess with you at recess, and if you get the desired response—"Oh, baby, it's okay, come into my arms..."—you feel kind of gross. Yes, the arms around you feel good, but something is off. You respect yourself a little less, and respect your parent less too. Your parent also feels kind of gross, with the price of feeling like a loving parent coming with a ding to self-respect.

 

And, in that, a system of support, affection, and love has become fueled by disrespect and insincerity. A system, right now, that you are doubling, tripling, and quadrupling down on with her. Bad coping mechanisms in her attaching onto bad coping mechanisms in you, validating each at the expense of your (and her) humanity.

 

Imagine she was a guy you met 5 months ago while playing pool. Cool dude. You two like hanging, chatting sports and life. But one day, while playing pool, he gets a little worked up and punches you in the face. He apologizes—in tears—explaining that his father used to beat him up and now he has anger issues. What is your response? Is it to continue to invest in that friendship? Probably not. You feel for the dude, genuinely, but you like your jaw intact just as genuinely. You don't want to be hurt, so you back away from the friendship. That is all much more sincere and honest, respect-driven. You hope he gets better, truly, and you express that by getting better yourself.

 

This is the same as that, or should be, except it's not. Sex and attraction exists at the edges, as do romantic hopes. That is self-interest. That energy inside you is potent with her, which she knows. You can pretend it's no longer a factor—"This is just who I am as a person—doesn't matter if we're dating"—but these aren't feelings that can be switched off. No, they can be suppressed, or channeled elsewhere—like, for instance, wanting to be a support beam and seek a proxy of romantic validation there. Which is insincere, unhealthy, providing just enough of a reward system to ensure that nothing evolves healthily and no one gets the help he or she needs.

 

Same church, different pew, said ThatwasThen. Boom. I would take that seriously, and explore it. She is pressing a button in you that has deep roots, and when that button gets pressed you seem prone to leaving your more sincere self in the pursuit of sincere feelings and connections.

 

My hurt after her not showing up on Saturday is NOTHING compared to what I listened to on the phone that night. It made it seem like child's play in the grander scheme of things. Is it complicated because of the feelings I have for her? Sure it is and as I've stated multiple times if the cross becomes too much to bare, I walk away. I missed this thing horribly while we were dating though. I treated it as a standard red flag variety and was naive to my role in dating someone who's experience sexual assault. I didn't ask the questions I needed to. I didn't communicate. I was off in my distant shell.

 

I will never be able to fix her. I will never be able to change the past. But I will be able to feel better as an individual now providing a little selflessness - even in a complicated scenario such as this one.

[bluecastle]

But I will be able to feel better as an individual now providing a little selflessness - even in a complicated scenario such as this one.

 

I don't mean to hammer on the throttle here—or, well, I do, but with your spirit, wellness, and growth in mind—but read that above sentence you just wrote. It's selfish, I'm sorry. It's making her a vessel so you can look in the mirror and see a good, selfless man. And for her to provide that reflection? She must remain a damaged, broken woman who needs support.

 

Imagine swiping through Bumble. There's the civil rights lawyer who is into CrossFit, the veterinarian with the pilates practice, and the 30-year-old woman whose bio reads "curious how dating will work for treating my PTSD from past sexual abuse." Are you swiping right on that last one? If so, it's worth trying to know why, to understand why that was more appealing than the fit, civil rights attorney. Because that's essentially what you are doing right now—leaning in to another's damage to feel better about yourself.

 

You are hardwired to shoulder the blame—to punish yourself for the questions you didn't ask, your failure to communicate, you being off in your distant shell. But no. You were just you, this was just dating. Early on you had a little itch that something was off, and you remained guarded. That is healthy. The itch became a scratch, as time passed, and it didn't work out. That is healthy.

 

But where this is, right now? It has jumped the shark to unhealthy.

[Wiseman2]

Adding this to the Hall of Famous ENA Quotes : https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=390454&page=6&p=7174448#post7174448

 

I think you dodged a bullet rather than missed a boat.

[bluecastle]

I completely missed the boat when we were dating, but I can be a better person about it today. If emotionally I find myself in a place where I cannot handle it, then I have to do what I have to do.

 

And to focus on this, along with TwT:

 

You completely saw the boat, right off the bat. You saw a woman who'd been through some stuff, had not learned to live with it in a way that made you comfortable: a boat, in other words, that you felt would sink if you stepped aboard, increasing your risk of drowning. And you remained "detached"—on the dock.

 

The phone call isn't a new, eye-opening chapter; it just filled in a little more of the details of that boat—the rips in the sails, the missing planks in the hull. Except in seeing that you are more "attached," boarding the very vessel that you have already deemed might sink and result in you drowning.

 

Just try to view all this from a drone, and humbly ask yourself if you are moving in a direction conducive to emotional health and harmony, or away from it.

 

We can atone for sins in confessional, and be selfless in soup lines. Trying to apply those instincts to people we hardly know, and are sexually attracted to, is generally not a recipe for salvation.

[TimeToGrowUp]

And to focus on this, along with TwT:

 

You completely saw the boat, right off the bat. You saw a woman who'd been through some stuff, had not learned to live with it in a way that made you comfortable: a boat, in other words, that you felt would sink if you stepped aboard, increasing your risk of drowning. And you remained "detached"—on the dock.

 

The phone call isn't a new, eye-opening chapter; it just filled in a little more of the details of that boat—the rips in the sails, the missing planks in the hull. Except in seeing that you are more "attached," boarding the very vessel that you have already deemed might sink and result in you drowning.

 

Until you hear someone actually explain what it did to them, there's no way to even get close to understanding it. These weren't just minor details, this was graphically relayed amidst frantic tears and hysterical crying plus an even more graphic depiction of what it has done to her.

 

I spent 4.5 months not respecting her coping mechanisms and getting rubbed the wrong way by some of her red flag behavior - but I wasn't taking into consideration the trauma and it's relationship to it. In fact it's scary to me how little that element of it came into my thoughts because it's downright naive. As she has stated many times to me, she tried in her ways to get me to open up and discuss these things. But even I can admit I was stubborn, I was isolating myself because of other reasons, and I never considered the idea that dating someone who's been thru something like she has requires a whole separate approach ....... because it does. How could it not?

[ThatwasThen]

Until you hear someone actually explain what it did to them, there's no way to even get close to understanding it.

You assume we have no experience with knowing someone who has been traumatized.

 

These weren't just minor details, this was graphically relayed amidst frantic tears and hysterical crying plus an even more graphic depiction of what it has done to her.

What has that got to do with you sacrificing your emotional well being in order to caretake her (opposite of caregive) her through her trauma though? Its not the responsibility of an acquaintance of five months to take on that role. You would be helping her far more if you gave her some names of really good therapists and convinced her to see one of them ongoing while you bowed out of her life gracefully and guilt free because that's the actual level of your obligation to her at the six month mark of knowing someone.

 

I spent 4.5 months not respecting her coping mechanisms and getting rubbed the wrong way by some of her red flag behavior - but I wasn't taking into consideration the trauma and it's relationship to it.

Nor should you have to take into consideration her trauma as you stay with her and suffer through the symptoms of it. Healthy individuals see the red flags and exit while the going is good. Unhealthy people stay and try to save her from the results of the trauma. If she were getting professional help, has learned how to cope and self sooth and was on any prescribed medication to help her self sooth, then I would understand you... alas, she is not.

 

In fact it's scary to me how little that element of it came into my thoughts because it's downright naive.

Ignoring the red flags is what is naive.

 

As she has stated many times to me, she tried in her ways to get me to open up and discuss these things. But even I can admit I was stubborn, I was isolating myself because of other reasons, and I never considered the idea that dating someone who's been thru something like she has requires a whole separate approach ....... because it does.

Yes, it requires the approach of "please call me when you are in treatment and have learned to cope with the PTSD. I would love to hear that you are doing well."

 

You've gotten so much advice that will keep you safe but I don't think you're going to listen. It's too ingrained in you from being the nurturer to your parents for most of your life.

 

I will wish you good luck because sadly, I believe you are going to need it as you administer to her while your support does nothing or very little to change the way she currently is.

[Wiseman2]

It's not a good idea to put her under a microscope and make a project out of this. There are much better ways to acquire accurate info than to probe this situation. It's over. Don't play armchair therapist. No matter what anyone has been through, it's not a license to be nasty.

Until you hear someone actually explain what it did to them, there's no way to even get close to understanding it.

[bluecastle]

I don't quite know what to say, friend.

 

Everyone you meet has trauma in their bones, coursing through their systems. Some move through it, some cling to it. The source of that trauma—be it sexual abuse, parental abandonment, military service, or even something less incendiary, like bad credit after a foolish spending spree—is less critical than how they choose to cope with it. Therapy or anonymous sex? CrossFit or cocaine? Writing a novel or writing their own early obituary through self-destruction? Taking a break from dating or trying to cure it through dating?

 

So, if you are interested in any human being romantically, the question is: Are they coping with the trauma of existing in a way that does't make their trauma the nucleolus around which the connection orbits? Or, more generally: Are they living their life in a way where you can live your own alongside them, without getting sick? That is the universal approach. In other words: No, it does not require a "whole separate approach" to date this person, because your job, as a human being, is not to be a contortionist being bent into shapes by the trauma of another.

 

Back to my fictional bar buddy, who punches you in the face. You don't change your "approach" to that friendship, by wearing a padded helmet when you hang, now that you know daddy used cold clock him. You find a better friend to avoid more personal trauma. And if you don't do that? If you're somehow compelled by him hitting you in the face because your daddy hit you in the face? Well, then you go to therapy so your own trauma isn't the foundation of your interpersonal connections.

 

Something is up here, I'm sorry.

 

Zoom out, just a bit, and what you are describing is being "turned on" by this phone call. No, I'm not talking about blood flow between your legs, but I am talking about something related. She is announcing to you that she is broken, identifies as this, wants romance to be built around "opening up" on these fronts. The approach to that is simple: "I'm sorry for your pain, here are some professionals, wishing you all the best." But you are chomping at the bit while whipping yourself for failing to be a better trauma nurse earlier. And all that is connected to...to what? Five so-so months of romance, someone who flaked on you on Saturday and plays little mind games on Instagram?

 

Look, if you were in the fifth year of marriage and your wife jumped the shark after some suppressed memories surfaced, I'd spin this differently. If this was a close friend of a decade suddenly going through a very hard time—ditto. But this is not that. It is far, far from all that. It is you seeing a potential black hole, standing on the edge, then seeing an actual black hole and figuring out how to jump in.

 

Why? That is the million dollar question, which, yes, you can dodge by jumping into the black hole. When you emerge you'll be 41 or 43, with more trauma to unpack, and at 45 or 48 you can see about cultivating a potent spark with different embers. That phone call plays in your mind in an intriguing loop right now, but this is also your one single shot at life being lived. You define who you are, and what your life becomes, by where you invest your spirit.

[Chloee1988]

I think it's interesting that she brought up her trauma of sexual assault when you demanded an explanation for her flaky behaviour. I think that's when she decided to conveniently mention that in order to deflect blame for her bailing on you. Sexual assault is indeed traumatizing, however she can't perpetually use it as a crutch for wrong behaviour.

 

I echo what some of the posters have said about her manipulating you, and you seemingly being unaware of this. There is a fine line between enabling and supporting someone. Please make sure she is receiving counselling before engaging with her any further. She is lacking stability and the best you can do for her at this moment is to encourage her to seek therapy.

 

You seem to suffer from self esteem issues as you are willing to settle for being someone's psychologist while neglecting your own needs. Do you feel that you do not deserve a healthy, loving and nurturing relationship? Does having someone to "fix" give you a sense of purpose?

 

Since you still have feelings for this girl, my best advice to you would be to cut or limit your communication with her until she is in a much better state of mind. Maybe then can you entertain the idea of a relationship with her. It is not in your best interest to continue speaking to her until she has sought extensive therapy for her trauma.

 

Please seek counselling of your own as you seem to have low self confidence which affects your selection of women. You are your own person. Please prioritize yourself before assisting anyone else.

[Chloee1988]

I will never be able to fix her. I will never be able to change the past. But I will be able to feel better as an individual now providing a little selflessness - even in a complicated scenario such as this one. You will feel better once your fix YOURSELF. Otherwise, you will always be looking for the next thing to fix if you're not at peace internally.

[ThatwasThen]

^^^ So true, Chloee!

[Wiseman2]

It's interested that this is the first you're hearing about this and it comes only on the heels of "when I demanded explanation". Let it go. It was 20 weeks of dating. Sure she should have cancelled, but being unreliable is her nature and you're broken up.

 

Be the better man here. Move on. Prove to yourself that you're not stuck or obsessed. Instead of making dates with her start fresh with saner women. She's dating others and blew you off. She's simply using the "best defense is a good offence" device. A colossal diversion. Why play the fool? It's not furthering your life.

She stood me up on Saturday (our first planned hangout in nearly 2 months)

[TimeToGrowUp]

It's interested that this is the first you're hearing about this and it comes only on the heels of "when I demanded explanation". Let it go. It was 20 weeks of dating. Sure she should have cancelled, but being unreliable is her nature and you're broken up.

 

Be the better man here. Move on. Prove to yourself that you're not stuck or obsessed. Instead of making dates with her start fresh with saner women. She's dating others and blew you off. She's simply using the "best defense is a good offence" device. A colossal diversion. Why play the fool? It's not furthering your life.

 

Please stop while you're ahead. You're taking what I said completely out of context and the fact that you would mock her situation shows a real lack of maturity here. I don't really care to hear anymore of your opinion.

[Camber 2019]

Please stop while you're ahead. You're taking what I said completely out of context and the fact that you would mock her situation shows a real lack of maturity here. I don't really care to hear anymore of your opinion.

 

TTGU... Step back and take a deep breath... When we ask for advice, then get irritated by what someone is telling us, it usually means we know deep down they are right, and we don't want to hear that, so we get defensive.

 

I've noticed you have responded to many posts in that way...

[bluecastle]

Agree with Camber^^.

 

I know this is a hard moment, and I do think you’ve got a lot of good ears listening to you, and offering wise words.

 

Imagine if you learned the reason she couldn’t make Saturday was because, while walking to get milk that afternoon, she tore her ACL. Old knee injury from her volleyball days. Would you respond by trying to figure out how to repair a sensitive ligament? Would you be rethinking the past 5 months, how you handled them (all that walking and dancing), and now wondering if there’s a role for you in her life now that you understand the sensitivity of her knee ligaments? Would you think there is a path toward a better you by fixing her knee, or offering her support while she walked? Would you find any way to blame yourself for the ligament snapping?

 

My guess is no. You’d hope she found a good surgeon, and if you knew some good PT guys you’d give her their names.

 

This is not different than that, if you can try to see it without the emotions, including emotions in you that predated meeting her and that have been stirred by this whole entanglement. That stuff is fogging over the parts of you that are trying to look out for your own health, I fear.

[boltnrun]

What do you think would happen to her if you stopped providing "support"?

[TimeToGrowUp]

Guys I'm not here to argue with anyone. At this point I mostly just need a place to place my thoughts because, well I need to get them out there somewhere. Encouragement is appreciated and remember this one thing - my life isn't in a tailspin or anything.

 

Ever since I let her know that as much as I wanted a relationship, I wasn't asking for one but was there to support her - everything for the most part has been great. She had me come over and sit with her at work all week last week and got really pissy with manager who questioned why I was over there. Drove me to my car each day. Then yesterday she wished me good morning. She forgot her work laptop at home and texted me to come with her to get it. This caught me by complete surprise - as I haven't been with her in a 1on1 situation outside of work since we stopped dating (6-7 weeks), let alone with her in her apartment! I immediately thought well here we go - this is significant! Momentum is really building here! I thought the conversations were fun, we joked about our party days, and she bought me breakfast on the way back. I wanted so badly to be bold in the moment, but played it cool and kind of regret it. At one point she even noted that the recent times she has kind of picked at me for things that happened were just her being silly/petty. She joked it will stop at the end of the year.

 

Afterwards, it kind of went silent again. Later that night her text replies to me were very spaced out. Then of course I had this bad dream about a male co-worker of ours I know she's attracted to and someone I've been suspicious of. Mind you this is a dude she knew in the past was running around on his fiance. Wouldn't you know it I walk over to her desk to check out her Halloween costume (which everyone is hitting on her for) about 30mins ago and guess who she's chatting with via work messenger? That guy. She closed the chat box so fast and then she asks me to come take a walk with her to the break room to grab coffee. Guess who randomly shows up in that room? That guy. Talk about a kick in the nuts (whether imagined or real). She then walked with me back towards my side of the office then grabbed her sister to go talk somewhere.

 

This stuff definitely isn't for the faint of heart. When there's still feelings wrapped up in them our minds work in a way where we constantly need validation - what does everything mean? Why did they just do this - why did they just do that? I just want to remind people that if I feel I can't deal with it anymore then I have to walk away. That includes the potential for another job change too.

[TimeToGrowUp]

I think it's interesting that she brought up her trauma of sexual assault when you demanded an explanation for her flaky behaviour. I think that's when she decided to conveniently mention that in order to deflect blame for her bailing on you. Sexual assault is indeed traumatizing, however she can't perpetually use it as a crutch for wrong behaviour.

 

I echo what some of the posters have said about her manipulating you, and you seemingly being unaware of this. There is a fine line between enabling and supporting someone. Please make sure she is receiving counselling before engaging with her any further. She is lacking stability and the best you can do for her at this moment is to encourage her to seek therapy.

 

You seem to suffer from self esteem issues as you are willing to settle for being someone's psychologist while neglecting your own needs. Do you feel that you do not deserve a healthy, loving and nurturing relationship? Does having someone to "fix" give you a sense of purpose?

 

Since you still have feelings for this girl, my best advice to you would be to cut or limit your communication with her until she is in a much better state of mind. Maybe then can you entertain the idea of a relationship with her. It is not in your best interest to continue speaking to her until she has sought extensive therapy for her trauma.

 

Please seek counselling of your own as you seem to have low self confidence which affects your selection of women. You are your own person. Please prioritize yourself before assisting anyone else.

 

She is still getting therapy based on a conversation we had recently. Just thought I'd clarify that.

[ThatwasThen]

Guys I'm not here to argue with anyone. At this point I mostly just need a place to place my thoughts because, well I need to get them out there somewhere. Encouragement is appreciated and remember this one thing - my life isn't in a tailspin or anything.

 

Ever since I let her know that as much as I wanted a relationship, I wasn't asking for one but was there to support her - everything for the most part has been great. She had me come over and sit with her at work all week last week and got really pissy with manager who questioned why I was over there. Drove me to my car each day. Then yesterday she wished me good morning. She forgot her work laptop at home and texted me to come with her to get it. This caught me by complete surprise - as I haven't been with her in a 1on1 situation outside of work since we stopped dating (6-7 weeks), let alone with her in her apartment! I immediately thought well here we go - this is significant! Momentum is really building here! I thought the conversations were fun, we joked about our party days, and she bought me breakfast on the way back. I wanted so badly to be bold in the moment, but played it cool and kind of regret it. At one point she even noted that the recent times she has kind of picked at me for things that happened were just her being silly/petty. She joked it will stop at the end of the year.

 

Afterwards, it kind of went silent again. Later that night her text replies to me were very spaced out. Then of course I had this bad dream about a male co-worker of ours I know she's attracted to and someone I've been suspicious of. Mind you this is a dude she knew in the past was running around on his fiance. Wouldn't you know it I walk over to her desk to check out her Halloween costume (which everyone is hitting on her for) about 30mins ago and guess who she's chatting with via work messenger? That guy. She closed the chat box so fast and then she asks me to come take a walk with her to the break room to grab coffee. Guess who randomly shows up in that room? That guy. Talk about a kick in the nuts (whether imagined or real). She then walked with me back towards my side of the office then grabbed her sister to go talk somewhere.

 

This stuff definitely isn't for the faint of heart. When there's still feelings wrapped up in them our minds work in a way where we constantly need validation - what does everything mean? Why did they just do this - why did they just do that? I just want to remind people that if I feel I can't deal with it anymore then I have to walk away. That includes the potential for another job change too.

 

So: Your offer of help and support was just a ruse to get back with her then. You're altruistic offer was, at it's core, selfish and self serving... at least that is how that quote reads.

 

She had me come over and sit with her at work all week last week and got really pissy with manager who questioned why I was over there.

Not only are you enabling her, you are also interfering in her job by having to justify your being there and talking "pissy" to her supervisor. What are you doing?

[TimeToGrowUp]

So: Your offer of help and support was just a ruse to get back with her then. You're altruistic offer was, at it's core, selfish and self serving... at least that is how that quote reads.

 

Not only are you enabling her, you are also interfering in her job by having to justify your being there and talking "pissy" to her supervisor. What are you doing?

 

I'm convinced you're reading what you want to read, not what I wrote.

 

Thank you for your time.