Is reconciliation possible in this scenario?

[TimeToGrowUp]

This is not the net result of you giving her space, or anything to do with you. It is the net result of who she is, and how you two operate, which is not very well. Make it about that, instead of about you, and it'll be clearer, less painful, less mysterious.

 

Sorry for the confusion, truly. But what you are describing as this up and that down looks, from the sidelines, like one thing that has been roughly the same thing for a good long time.

 

It really bothers me that she is trying too hard to turn me into some kind of trigger. It's a helpless feeling.

[bluecastle]

But you are trying just as hard to be a "trigger," and finding some kind of identity in that. Why?

 

Chalk it all up to whatever you want, this is just immature and unhealthy on both sides and you know that. It's Instagram. Know what this back and forth did? It made Mark Zuckerberg some more money and sold some kambocha to someone. That's the concrete part. The rest is noise.

 

When you are relying on a medium that thin and transactional to feel anything of substance or understand who you are to someone—well, I think it's worth asking if those are the kind of bricks you want to use to build a home.

[TimeToGrowUp]

It's been a full week now since any contact as I try to get my self-respect back. Our office is still the hardest part because reminders of her are everywhere, especially since she's still just a short walking distance away on the other side of this floor.

 

In the last text exchange we had last Monday I confronted her about the way she's been picking at me about my social life, where I hang out, who I hang out with. She claimed there's no resentment on her part that she moved on from it and apologized for making me feel that way. She even re-followed me (I didn't even ask for her too), but what she says vs. what I can sense just doesn't jive. It's become increasingly clear to me that she's bear hugging this suddenly judgmental/hostile opinion of my city as a means to make herself feel better about things. It really bothers me.

 

I'm by no means a party guy or anything like that, I'm just trying to keep busy and be social. I do regret though that I haven't completely shifted away from the night life or going out for drinks. Time would've been better spent working on us - even if it was doomed anyways.

[ThatwasThen]

Time would've been better spent working on us - even if it was doomed anyways.

Uhm, no... no it wouldn't have been better spent. That is your codependency rearing its head again. Time would have been better spent going zero contact (not just no contact) from the minute you stopped seeing her romantically. You would be practically over her by now if you had done that.

 

One does not continue working on a short relationship wherein it is quickly discovered that you need to "work on" the relationship within the honeymoon period. You quickly back away from those situations, heal from the disappointment that it didn't work out and you then get on with looking for someone that you get alone with/gel with without having to work on it within said honeymoon periord.

[TimeToGrowUp]

Uhm, no... no it wouldn't have been better spent. That is your codependency rearing its head again. Time would have been better spent going zero contact (not just no contact) from the minute you stopped seeing her romantically. You would be practically over her by now if you had done that.

 

One does not continue working on a short relationship wherein it is quickly discovered that you need to "work on" the relationship within the honeymoon period. You quickly back away from those situations, heal from the disappointment that it didn't work out and you then get on with looking for someone that you get alone with/gel with without having to work on it within said honeymoon periord.

 

I was referring to when we dated. I'm only being honest my priorities even when things were good were not quite where they should've been. I was still spending too much alone time and when I wasn't doing that the ratio of going out with my friends vs. quality time with her was off.

[ThatwasThen]

I was referring to when we dated. I'm only being honest my priorities even when things were good were not quite where they should've been. I was still spending too much alone time and when I wasn't doing that the ratio of going out with my friends vs. quality time with her was off.

That was your gut telling you that you could do better. If your gut wasn't niggling at you about her, you would have truly wanted more time with her during that lustful, infatuation period called the honeymoon period.

[TimeToGrowUp]

That was your gut telling you that you could do better. If your gut wasn't niggling at you about her, you would have truly wanted more time with her during that lustful, infatuation period called the honeymoon period.

 

Was it though? I am trying to re-frame experience to what you describe, but at the same time this has been a behavior of mine since the messy breakup I had in 2010.

[ThatwasThen]

Was it though? I am trying to re-frame experience to what you describe, but at the same time this has been a behavior of mine since the messy breakup I had in 2010.

 

What behaviour? You backing away in some sort of fear of commitment? If that's the case then you've come to acknowledge the fear and perhaps you should be addressing it with a therapist? If you've noticed a behaviour wherein you pick women you know are not good for you, (either consciously or subconsciously) then again a professional will help you to figure out why you are attracted to women you know you SHOULD BE afraid to commit to.

[TimeToGrowUp]

What behaviour? You backing away in some sort of fear of commitment? If that's the case then you've come to acknowledge the fear and perhaps you should be addressing it with a therapist? If you've noticed a behaviour wherein you pick women you know are not good for you, (either consciously or subconsciously) then again a professional will help you to figure out why you are attracted to women you know you SHOULD BE afraid to commit to.

 

Along those same lines Saturday night I finally made it be known to my mother and father that I am no longer accepting of their behavior - specifically my alcoholic father. I set the terms that if my father is that unhappy about us not having a deeper relationship he needs to clean himself up - it's non-negotiable.

 

Often our parents are the subconscious framework for how we approach our relationships. I've been mentally drained from managing their fighting the last 10+ years and in a lot of ways it has impacted my ability to settle down with someone.

[ThatwasThen]

Along those same lines Saturday night I finally made it be known to my mother and father that I am no longer accepting of their behavior - specifically my alcoholic father. I set the terms that if my father is that unhappy about us not having a deeper relationship he needs to clean himself up - it's non-negotiable.

 

Often our parents are the subconscious framework for how we approach our relationships. I've been mentally drained from managing their fighting the last 10+ years and in a lot of ways it has impacted my ability to settle down with someone.

 

Congratulations on forming a good, strong boundary with your father. *two thumbs up* A show of you taking care of you.

[bluecastle]

Congratulations on forming a good, strong boundary with your father. *two thumbs up* A show of you taking care of you.

 

Agree with this. Hopefully the same can be applied to her, mentally. I really, really don't think you suffer from some deep fear of commitment—at least not in the sense that that's why you were hesitant about her. She's a decade younger than you, immature, tempestuous, troubled, emotionally torn up about other men, and obsessed with social media—a list that would send any healthy person (even healthy-ish) running or at least hesitating.

 

If there's a fear of commitment here, or something involving that "issue," it's the investment in someone you know, deep down, can't hang in the way you want to hang in. Three to five sessions with a therapist about that would, I think, be a godsend. I spent three years in a relationship where I was "on the fence," with reasons. The thing to figure out was what was up with me that liked a fencepost between the legs. Shifted the paradigm, made things simpler.

 

Imagine this: A woman, 33-44, who isn't an open mess. She likes you, you like her. At some point you each follow each other on Instagram, as people do, but whatever happens on those feeds and stories is a drop in the bucket compared to what happens when you're around each other. That is what you want, and when you find it I highly doubt you'll be freaked out about commitment. But you have to prepare yourself for that, which means demagnetizing the little bits inside you that were drawn to this.

[TimeToGrowUp]

Agree with this. Hopefully the same can be applied to her, mentally. I really, really don't think you suffer from some deep fear of commitment—at least not in the sense that that's why you were hesitant about her. She's a decade younger than you, immature, tempestuous, troubled, emotionally torn up about other men, and obsessed with social media—a list that would send any healthy person (even healthy-ish) running or at least hesitating.

 

If there's a fear of commitment here, or something involving that "issue," it's the investment in someone you know, deep down, can't hang in the way you want to hang in. Three to five sessions with a therapist about that would, I think, be a godsend. I spent three years in a relationship where I was "on the fence," with reasons. The thing to figure out was what was up with me that liked a fencepost between the legs. Shifted the paradigm, made things simpler.

 

Imagine this: A woman, 33-44, who isn't an open mess. She likes you, you like her. At some point you each follow each other on Instagram, as people do, but whatever happens on those feeds and stories is a drop in the bucket compared to what happens when you're around each other. That is what you want, and when you find it I highly doubt you'll be freaked out about commitment. But you have to prepare yourself for that, which means demagnetizing the little bits inside you that were drawn to this.

 

I just want to clarify that while she is a little bit obsessed with Instagram (she chats on there all day long), that end of it wasn't a problem when we were dating. It was only during this reconciliation period when I noticed the games and her over-reliance on explaining herself via introspective word porn. I sense she believes it to be some kind of self-therapy.

[bluecastle]

I just want to clarify that while she is a little bit obsessed with Instagram (she chats on there all day long), that end of it wasn't a problem when we were dating. It was only during this reconciliation period when I noticed the games and her over-reliance on explaining herself via introspective word porn. I sense she believes it to be some kind of self-therapy.

 

This is splitting hairs, to my eyes, while I'm talking about the entire scalp and what's inside of it: yours head, not hers.

 

We've devoted a lot of words to this woman, and yet I barely get a sense of what you like about her. That's not me asking for list—I get it—but just saying that I don't think you've ever liked her all that much, or that deeply. I think you liked what she represented: some combination of personal challenge and personal salvation.

 

But no woman is going to provide you with that, and odds are that you're going to get further from the challenge you're seeking, and the salvation, if you invest in women whose most compelling quality to you is their damage.

 

Hence: explore your own, so it becomes less mysterious, less sticky. Do that and the damage of others won't intrigue you, and that healthier side—the one that was on the brake pedal—will guide you to the right roads on which to apply the throttle.

[TimeToGrowUp]

This is splitting hairs, to my eyes, while I'm talking about the entire scalp and what's inside of it: yours head, not hers.

 

We've devoted a lot of words to this woman, and yet I barely get a sense of what you like about her. That's not me asking for list—I get it—but just saying that I don't think you've ever liked her all that much, or that deeply. I think you liked what she represented: some combination of personal challenge and personal salvation.

 

But no woman is going to provide you with that, and odds are that you're going to get further from the challenge you're seeking, and the salvation, if you invest in women whose most compelling quality to you is their damage.

 

Hence: explore your own, so it becomes less mysterious, less sticky. Do that and the damage of others won't intrigue you, and that healthier side—the one that was on the brake pedal—will guide you to the right roads on which to apply the throttle.

 

There was a lot I liked about her. It was instantaneous between her like the familiarity of knowing someone for years. When we first connected over her wounds from tending to her dog with cancer - we were kindred, as I was still heartbroken from failing at treating my pet's kidney failure. I often judge people's character based on how they treat animals. She's the type of person who can light up a room when she's not wrapped up in her life drama's. It's one of those thing I always envisioned my future wife doing as she's entertaining guests at our house.

 

Her motherly instincts are most certainly there too. She was a teacher at an elementary school at one point and one of my favorite things on this planet was watching her interact with her little nephew. It always put such a smile on my face. Obviously not now, but when we were dating she was extremely supportive, especially here at work. The prior team I worked for (which she's still on) never appreciated the work I did. I was constantly stressed out to the point of near exhaustion and she'd always be quick to remind me of what a great job I did. While she was kind of physically awkward with me a lot (because of her trauma) she still found ways to shower me with attention. Our sense of humors are very much the same and we could go hours just tossing funny animated GIF's back and forth at each other.

 

While looks fade, I do admire how she transformed herself after her failed marriage. A lot of people after experiencing what she has could easily fall into a depressive abyss and let themselves go, so it shows the fighter in her. Lastly she is extremely bright, it's just too bad that often her anxieties trump that part of her.

[TimeToGrowUp]

Sorry having a moment. I've gone completely NC for the last two weeks and was doing fairly well just slowly accepting this whole charade is probably over.

 

Sure enough, yesterday she liked a photo I had posted from an event I went to the night before. It's the first time she's liked anything of mine since we stopped dating two months ago. But she also commented about something I was wearing in a way where I couldn't tell if it was a compliment or a wisecrack. Sure enough at night there was she posting videos of her out in the bar scene of my city - the same one she lectured me about prior to the no contact. That scene was a real point of contention for her whenever she'd see me out having fun in my social media videos. She told me she hated everything about it and everyone in it. That she just wants more out of life and it's part of the reason why we want different things.

 

The hypocrisy really irks me, especially given how strong her prior sentiments were. I'm doing everything I can to squash the feeling I have to bring it up.

[bluecastle]

What's to bring up? I'm asking this sincerely. Or, really, what do you get or hope to gain by bringing it up? Validation that you are "right"?

 

People will say all sorts of things—like, for instance, that they "hate" a bar scene. It means nothing. What we do is who we are, be it going to a bar or obsessing about an IG story of someone going to a bar. In fact, most of the time when you hear someone expressing "hate" about something—bar scenes, exes, friends, cities, jobs—what they're expressing is something they're deeply frustrated with in themselves, often an attachment to something unresolved.

 

Instead of focusing on lofty concepts like "hypocrisy," which make every action of hers (liking a post, going to a bar, an elliptical comment about a shirt you wear) some kind of verdict on you leveled by the most complex woman on the planet, I'd suggest focusing instead on "immaturity." That's all this is, really, on both sides. It's a young person who is all over the map in pretty "basic" ways, and a much older person trying to use that map as a guide for finding himself.

 

To beat the drum again: I'd challenge yourself to explore what is behind that instinct, in you, as that is where you'll find peace and comfort, not in a "like" or a "confrontation" about why she had a beer at the bar she said she "hates."

 

Imagine if I continually voiced frustration at Big Macs for refusing to make me thin and ripped, no matter how many I ate. They are Big Macs, you'd tell me, not kale salads, no matter how hard I break my brain to tell a different story. The breaking of the brain, you'd tell me, is a refusal to admit that I have a problem with Big Macs. Until I acknowledge that problem the odds of me getting thin and ripped are slim.

[ThatwasThen]

Sorry having a moment. I've gone completely NC for the last two weeks and was doing fairly well just slowly accepting this whole charade is probably over.

 

Sure enough, yesterday she liked a photo I had posted from an event I went to the night before. It's the first time she's liked anything of mine since we stopped dating two months ago. But she also commented about something I was wearing in a way where I couldn't tell if it was a compliment or a wisecrack. Sure enough at night there was she posting videos of her out in the bar scene of my city - the same one she lectured me about prior to the no contact. That scene was a real point of contention for her whenever she'd see me out having fun in my social media videos. She told me she hated everything about it and everyone in it. That she just wants more out of life and it's part of the reason why we want different things.

 

The hypocrisy really irks me, especially given how strong her prior sentiments were. I'm doing everything I can to squash the feeling I have to bring it up.

Why don't you just block and delete her and then delete yourself from social media for a time being. What is the point of post what you did on a night out? What satisfaction/validation do you get from broadcasting your whereabouts/activities?

[boltnrun]

Is it possible...you posted that deliberately hoping for a reaction from her now that she "re-followed" you?

[ninjabib]

BLOCK AND DELETE X1000. End this once and for all.

[ThatwasThen]

BLOCK AND DELETE X1000. End this once and for all.

Amen to that!

[TimeToGrowUp]

Is it possible...you posted that deliberately hoping for a reaction from her now that she "re-followed" you?

 

Posting a nice picture of me and my friend on my IG because of her? Not a chance.

 

At any rate - It's now three weeks of no contact. But I noticed she's back in the routine again where she's coming over here to talk to her sister (who sits across from me at work). It was like this when things first ended. That aspect of it makes NC really hard. Just the mere sight of her invokes feelings in me still.