Girlfriend refriending her ex on fbook (but it's not that simple)

[Rose Mosse]

I agree with you there on social media... I'd limit the information you put up there in future and look for likeminded individuals who don't air out their issues or history so much for everyone to see. Like really begets like. Change your outlook and your own behaviours and look for others who are similarly inspired.

[Wiseman2]

Wait...she's pregnant and you're worried about Rodrigo being the issue?

[maaatt]

And therein lies the dilemma, one that is self-generated not her-generated. You can't take the high road when you're also in the trenches. You can't have it both ways. You can't be the Holy Roller would would never stoop to that level while then, well, heading down to the basement for another round of spin the bottle.

 

The way you're talking it's as if I stooped to her level and readded my exes to make her feel like I felt. I don't think it's a fair comparison. I think the safe option would have been to leave her, yes, but I don't think it a fair compare. At the time, because I wanted it to work with her, I thought - oh she's new to non toxic relationships... She just needs to learn how to have appropriate boundaries. But as time went by I kind of second guessed my applied theory of innocence and wondered if there was more. And then went on my ruminating.

[maaatt]

Wait...she's pregnant and you're worried about Rodrigo being the issue?

 

Lol I already mentioned and mocked the pettiness of the Rodrigo issue when there's much bigger things going on. But I'm not against the pregnancy. But.. If I raise a child with a woman I don't want her going back to Rodrigo at some point. See.. there's slight logic in there somewhere lol

[maaatt]

*Sigh.*

 

Good luck with all.

 

Yeah well thanks for the advice. You've not given much other than a condescending attitude. But I'm sure you've never made a mistake in a relationship. You realize I'm here for constructive advice. I'm not just here to parade myself for how foolish I've been :))

[indea08]

You refute, defend, and try to explain away any constructive advice given the way a teenager would. There was a lot of constructive advice given in the first few pages. Seeing as it wasn’t getting through, I took the more blunt approach. If you want any of this to be helpful (from any posters), you’re going to have to get out of your head and open your mind. Otherwise you’ll never understand any point of view outside your own, hence the repetitive defensiveness.

[maaatt]

You refute, defend, and try to explain away any constructive advice given the way a teenager would. There was a lot of constructive advice given in the first few pages. Seeing as it wasn’t getting through, I took the more blunt approach. If you want any of this to be helpful (from any posters), you’re going to have to get out of your head and open your mind. Otherwise you’ll never understand any point of view outside your own, hence the repetitive defensiveness.

 

I liked multiple of bluecastle's posts! But he never made a post of "Why I'm too good to date you: Let me count the ways... #1.." Thanks for it though ;) And I did agree with a portion of your post. But I think you were just being a bit absolute with your thinking. And how you somehow think you can catch liars with some esp ability.

[Wiseman2]

Is this a rehashed version of this? :https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=326850&p=4045971&viewfull=1#post4045971

[bluecastle]

The way you're talking it's as if I stooped to her level and readded my exes to make her feel like I felt. I don't think it's a fair comparison. I think the safe option would have been to leave her, yes, but I don't think it a fair compare. At the time, because I wanted it to work with her, I thought - oh she's new to non toxic relationships... She just needs to learn how to have appropriate boundaries. But as time went by I kind of second guessed my applied theory of innocence and wondered if there was more. And then went on my ruminating.

 

No, what I'm saying is that you are/were already on the same level. You are just really determined to value yourself at level higher than her. You're digging in and creating lines of defense that just don't make sense, and certainly don't serve the reality of the situation.

 

You want to blame all this on social media, as if you (and I and all of us) have fallen victim to a corrosive culture where shade has blotted out the sun? Cool. I can write that think piece, and probably agree with some general points. I don't live under a rock or in a monastery; I've got some 30K followers on Instagram and I've met maybe 60 of them IRL. I understand that wormhole, which is why I am very careful in how I use it.

 

But that's macro-level observations, not the micro stuff where we actually live as people. It's like saying booze has created a culture of binge-drinking and casual sex when you wake up hungover next to someone whose name you don't know. No, you're not alone in that morning, globally speaking, but you're also in a minority. A lot of other people were drinking that night and didn't go down the same path; you opted to.

 

I'm on your side, you see? I don't have a sword in this fight. All I'm trying to do is encourage you to put down the swords because I think they are weighing you down. I think you came here because you're a bit over your head right now and hungry for a growth spurt while being trapped in a hall of mirrors of thirst, with the Rodrigo FB stuff a Trojan horse for the real stuff.

 

You about to become a daddy, after all, when you thought you were just eating some gummy bears. You can complain that there were more green ones in the package, as opposed to the orange and red ones you prefer, but that's playing musical chairs on the Titanic. Social media didn't get you here, you got you here, and I respect you for wanting to plug the holes in the ship. I'm just trying to point them out.

[indea08]

It’s not about catching liars. It’s about how learning how to handle red flags.

 

When you started noticing her stories didn’t line up, instead of checking her fb, you could have just paid closer attention over the next few weeks. It’s not hard to tell when someone is just full of BS. Or you could’ve taken the more direct approach (which, as you can tell, is my favorite) and said “you know, a lot of the things you tell me are conflicting, such as *this* and *this*. Why is that?”

 

And my list wasn’t intended to be “reasons why I’m too good to date you.” It was intended to be “Red flags you’re giving off to datable women.” Again, open your mind and look at it outside of your own perspective. Instead of seeing it as an attack and defending yourself or your actions, see it as an objective opinion and start thinking about how you could’ve handled those situations better or differently. Those were all things that will prevent you from getting date #2 with a great woman.

[maaatt]

No, what I'm saying is that you are/were already on the same level. You are just really determined to value yourself at level higher than her. You're digging in and creating lines of defense that just don't make sense, and certainly don't serve the reality of the situation.

 

You want to blame all this on social media, as if you (and I and all of us) have fallen victim to a corrosive culture where shade has blotted out the sun? Cool. I can write that think piece, and probably agree with some general points. I don't live under a rock or in a monastery. But that's macro-level observations, not the micro stuff where we actually live as people. It's like saying booze has created a culture of binge-drinking and casual sex when you wake up hungover next to someone whose name you don't know. No, you're not alone in that morning, globally speaking, but you're also in a minority. A lot of other people were drinking that night and didn't go down the same path; you opted to.

 

I'm on your side, you see? I don't have a sword in this fight. All I'm trying to do is encourage you to put down the swords because I think they are weighing you down. I think you came here because you're a bit over your head right now and hungry for a growth spurt while being trapped in a hall of mirrors of thirst, with the Rodrigo FB stuff a Trojan horse for the real stuff.

 

You about to become a daddy, after all, when you thought you were just eating some gummy bears. You can complain that there were more green ones in the package, as opposed to the orange and red ones you prefer, but that's playing musical chairs on the Titanic. Social media didn't get you here, you got you here, and I respect you for wanting to plug the holes in the ship. I'm just trying to point them out.

 

Oh no not at all. I'm not blaming it on social media at all. It was her decision to add him. Social media makes it easier to cheat and that's why I don't have a problem with me or my SO checking out my profiles. I have nothing to hide. I think what it kind of was, was me being annoyed and wishing we hadn't gotten together so quickly with her loose ends. I wasn't strong enough early on to let our relationship take a step back and I regret that. I think at the time if I said "well maybe we should go back to casual dating" that it would ruin everything with her. Because really, I've always had such a thing with her that I was so glad to finally give it a go. It's like I'm almost torn now. I want to be with her but really if shed rather be with someone else, I would kinda prefer she just leave and go for it lol. I might be doing a bit of self-sabotage to the relationship (i've done so with others prior). But I dunno. I do like her. I'm genuinely excited to have a child (as I thought it might never happen). And I don't like myself when I stress over things I can't control like some douche guy she dated before. Gotta read some serenity prayers and get ready for diapers you know?

[maaatt]

It’s not about catching liars. It’s about how learning how to handle red flags.

 

When you started noticing her stories didn’t line up, instead of checking her fb, you could have just paid closer attention over the next few weeks. It’s not hard to tell when someone is just full of BS. Or you could’ve taken the more direct approach (which, as you can tell, is my favorite) and said “you know, a lot of the things you tell me are conflicting, such as *this* and *this*. Why is that?”

 

And my list wasn’t intended to be “reasons why I’m too good to date you.” It was intended to be “Red flags you’re giving off to datable women.” Again, open your mind and look at it outside of your own perspective. Instead of seeing it as an attack and defending yourself or your actions, see it as an objective opinion and start thinking about how you could’ve handled those situations better or differently. Those were all things that will prevent you from getting date #2 with a great woman.

 

Initially I did the direct approach with the "well whyd you say that..?" ect. That did clear things up a bit. I'm usually pretty good at detecting bs but I swear she's pretty good lol. I think it helps that she's used lying (she said this herself) as a maladaptive coping skill since she was young and had to deal with not-so-nice parents and then that controlling long term bf.

 

The facebook thing wasn't even as creeper as it may seem. She said early on during one of our first dates she wasn't friends with Rodrigo and then one day I see he's reacting to her posts so I was like, "ummm huh..?" It was kinda blatant. I didnt have to hunt.

[bluecastle]

It’s not about catching liars. It’s about how learning how to handle red flags.

 

When you started noticing her stories didn’t line up, instead of checking her fb, you could have just paid closer attention over the next few weeks. It’s not hard to tell when someone is just full of BS. Or you could’ve taken the more direct approach (which, as you can tell, is my favorite) and said “you know, a lot of the things you tell me are conflicting, such as *this* and *this*. Why is that?”

 

And my list wasn’t intended to be “reasons why I’m too good to date you.” It was intended to be “Red flags you’re giving off to datable women.” Again, open your mind and look at it outside of your own perspective. Instead of seeing it as an attack, see it as an objective opinion of things you could’ve done better or differently. Things that will prevent you from getting date #2 with a great woman.

 

Preach. Or, I should say: listen. Inhale, exhale, and listen.

 

If we are prone to seeing if we can turn red flags into scarves we are going to become a red flag ourselves. Have I had a reckoning or two where I had to look in the mirror and see a man trying to tuck a red flag or two into the motorcycle jacket before heading out to look cute for the night? I have. It's a little uncomfortable, but more comfortable in the long run.

 

Maybe you like my posts more than indea's because I'm a dude—and, yeah, I know I can be clever in a cozy way—but we're saying the same thing. Imagine if I was a smoking hot, super smart and self-possessed 35 year old woman: peach emoji plus brain explosion emoji. Here we'd be, you and me, vibing. But when x, y, and z starts coming out the vibe is gone, for me. Meanwhile, the vibe that remains sustained is with someone still hung up on Rodrigo, so you go seek shelter in the wobbly lean-to, where the elements still end up getting the best of you.

 

Anyhow, per your last post: I think your big issue here is that you just don't take her all that seriously. Like, you're saying if only you knew whatever then you'd have backtracked things into "casual dating" mode. Why? So you can keep getting laid by someone you don't respect? And if you like her and want to make a go of it? Well, then like her and make a go of it. That means liking who she is, right now, which isn't necessarily someone who would "rather be with someone else," a self-pitying story written by your ego after seeing ol' Rodrigo in pixels, but someone who has porous boundaries and some thirst for attention.

 

You get it. You can look in the mirror and see some of the same things. You can't reign her in, or anyone, but you can reign in yourself. Start changing what you see in the mirror, rather than obsessing about ol' Rodrigo, and you'll learn if she can compliment you, or not. Sure, woulda been nice if y'all moved a little slower, if you didn't respond to x with y, but that's all happened. What happens next you can control, at least in terms of what goes down inside your own skin.

[SherrySher]

Is there a reason why you decided to date a woman with little to no morals, who is a cheater and would sleep with a slimeball like Rodrigo?

 

Surely you can find a far more decent woman of quality?

 

I mean, she dumped you, ran back to the ex and then Rodrigo. Essentially was sleeping and playing all 3 of you around the same time. Ew.

 

Surely you can do better than this.

[maaatt]

Preach. Or, I should say: listen. Inhale, exhale, and listen.

 

If we are prone to seeing if we can turn red flags into scarves we are going to become a red flag ourselves. Have I had a reckoning or two where I had to look in the mirror and see a man trying to tuck a red flag or two into the motorcycle jacket before heading out to look cute for the night? I have. It's a little uncomfortable, but more comfortable in the long run.

 

Maybe you like my posts more than indea's because I'm a dude—and, yeah, I know I can be clever in a cozy way—but we're saying the same thing. Imagine if I was a smoking hot, super smart and self-possessed 35 year old woman: peach emoji plus brain explosion emoji. Here we'd be, you and me, vibing. But when x, y, and z starts coming out the vibe is gone, for me. Meanwhile, the vibe that remains sustained is with someone still hung up on Rodrigo, so you go seek shelter in the wobbly lean-to, where the elements still end up getting the best of you.

 

Anyhow, per your last post: I think your big issue here is that you just don't take her all that seriously. Like, you're saying if only you knew whatever then you'd have backtracked things into "casual dating" mode. Why? So you can keep getting laid by someone you don't respect? And if you like her and want to make a go of it? Well, then like her and make a go of it. That means liking who she is, right now, which isn't necessarily someone who would "rather be with someone else," a self-pitying story written by your ego after seeing ol' Rodrigo in pixels, but someone who has porous boundaries and some thirst for attention.

 

You get it. You can look in the mirror and see some of the same things. You can't reign her in, or anyone, but you can reign in yourself. Start changing what you see in the mirror, rather than obsessing about ol' Rodrigo, and you'll learn if she can compliment you, or not. Sure, woulda been nice if y'all moved a little slower, if you didn't respond to x with y, but that's all happened. What happens next you can control, at least in terms of what goes down inside your own skin.

 

Well the ego thing but I was dating a girl prior that was sooo into me and I let her go to be with my current gf. So what I'm saying is if my gf would rather be with someone else just go do it. It's not self pity.. It's I've got options and why waste my time with someone that's not all in?

 

And I'm not disagreeing with either of you on the how to deal with red flags appropriately. I admit I screwed up and I should have gotten out at the first one. Which would have been the facebook refriending one.

 

About not taking her seriously.. You're spot on with that. I mean, after the Rodrigo thing I felt different and didn't take her as seriously ever since then. Um, I think if we had been casual for a while before getting serious it could have allowed her time to get her affairs and sort her mind out.. that way she could do whatever with Rodrigo, get it out of her system ect.. and then by the time her and I were and if we became exclusive, we maybe wouldn't have had to experience some of the issues we have. But hindsights 20/20.

[maaatt]

Is there a reason why you decided to date a woman with little to no morals, who is a cheater and would sleep with a slimeball like Rodrigo?

 

Surely you can find a far more decent woman of quality?

 

I mean, she dumped you, ran back to the ex and then Rodrigo. Essentially was sleeping and playing all 3 of you around the same time. Ew.

 

Surely you can do better than this.

 

I didn't know she had cheated until she told me after we had been dating for months. And she says the last time she did was 4 years ago. So hopefully she's over that. I've previously cheated before in an old relationship. But I haven't since and don't plan on it.

 

She never dumped me. I went on a couple lame dates with her. I never slept with her back then. So really I think you got really really confused. She dated her bf from 2013 to 2016. Cheated on him with Rodrigo in november 2015. Then broke up with her bf and had an off and on fwb thing with Rodrigo from feb 2016 to sept 2016. I went on 2 dates with her that led to nothing in april 2016. Then she got back with the bf from oct 2016 until april 2019. then I was with her right after. There's really not been too much overlap ever. But she does monkeybranch like a champ and quick. She does not want to be alone lol.

[Camber 2019]

"Part of me wishes I dumped her after she re-friended him or scaled us back to casual dating"

 

Waaaay to many long-winded posts on this thread (including the OP)

 

Let's simplify this...

 

Dump. Her. Now.

[bluecastle]

She does not want to be alone lol.

 

"She does not want to be alone," says the lone wolf who also does not want to be alone?

 

Something to think about: I am getting the sense that what you are drawn to in women, the quality you most admire in them, is when they are "sooooo into me." Understandable, in the sense that we all like the feeling of someone being soooo into us. But if that's our compass we'll be picking low hanging fruit. And even the lowest hanging fruit wants to be seen, valued, cherished, and respected as more than being soooo into someone, and they will search that out if you don't provide it.

 

I take it you monkey branched from the one woman who was soooo into you to this one, at least in part, because you thought she'd be even mooooooore into you. Which she was—maybe, maybe not—at least until Rodrigo entered the fray.

 

There is a lesson here. No thermometer exists to measure how "into you" someone is, and the truth is, if it did exist, that reading will always fluctuate in a relationship. Focus instead on women you are sooooo into, because that is the thermometer you have, the reading you can take comfort it. Some will not be into you, but some will. It will feel different than this. It will feel edgier than you can imagine.

[SherrySher]

Not confused. She ran between the three of you and by the sounds of it (overlap or not), is now doing the same lame story now between you and Rodrigo.

 

You're trying to justify. But I also think this is a girl, (not woman, but a girl), who has no clue what being faithful is and she also enjoys men's attention.

One will never be enough for her.

 

I think YOU need to be looking at the picture more clearly.

 

Camber's got it right.

[maaatt]

Not confused. She ran between the three of you and by the sounds of it (overlap or not), is now doing the same lame story now between you and Rodrigo.

 

You're trying to justify. But I also think this is a girl, (not woman, but a girl), who has no clue what being faithful is and she also enjoys men's attention.

One will never be enough for her.

 

I think YOU need to be looking at the picture more clearly.

 

Camber's got it right.

 

Lol i'm not trying to justify. I realize I should have deescelated or ended our relationship before. But that doesn't mean you can just make assumptions. Trust me. I know many more details on events than you learned from reading MY post lol.

 

When I went on a date with her years ago she was single and that was during one of her and Rodrigo's splits. And other than sending the facebook friend request, she hasn't had anything else with Rodrigo. He lives 4 hours away and has a gf. And my girlfriend and I are together all the time. And my gf is very shy. And never wears tight clothing because she DOESNT want attention. She a big introvert. Though I will say she is very insecure and is afraid of being alone.

 

I disagree that she enjoys men's attention. Though she does enjoy a particular man's attention. I do agree with you though that her faithfulness has proved sketchy.

[Camber 2019]

I disagree that she enjoys men's attention. Though she does enjoy a particular man's attention. I do agree with you though that her faithfulness has proved sketchy.

 

Not sure what you are asking us for ???

[Wiseman2]

She's pregnant and just re-friended the dreaded rival Rodrigo on FB. What baby names do you think are good if it's a boy?

Not sure what you are asking us for ???

[Camber 2019]

She's pregnant and just re-friended the dreaded rival Rodrigo on FB. What baby names do you think are good if it's a boy?

 

Hahahaha...

 

How about Santiago?

[bluecastle]

I disagree that she enjoys men's attention. Though she does enjoy a particular man's attention. I do agree with you though that her faithfulness has proved sketchy.

 

You know how some people say they're going to diet and go to the gym, and they do it for a bit, but then go back to the fried chicken and put on the weight they lost? Those are people who like fried chicken more than they like the gym or dieting or at least value self-discipline.

 

Someone for whom faithfulness proves sketchy is someone who enjoys the attention of the opposite sex in the same manner as my above straw person enjoys fried chicken.

[SherrySher]

Riiiiight. She sure doesn't sound innocent to me.

 

The fact that she even had a fwb scenario with someone like Rodrigo does not speak very highly of her, nor does the cheating.

 

Hey, at the end of the day you're the one stuck with her. And if you want to turn her into an innocent flower in your mind, so be it.

 

People do what they have to do in order to get through.