Girlfriend refriending her ex on fbook (but it's not that simple)

[bluecastle]

I, too, am a nearing-40 type who has never been married, never procreated, and who is fine with those things not being part of my life story. I've also worn some un-saintly robes.

 

But, just speaking for myself, I don't have much bandwidth for lurking on Instagram feeds or FB pages in order to understand the head- and heartspace of a romantic interested. I get that it's a big thing for the younger set—and for many not-so-young people—but it does't offer me enough juju to be excited or feel like I'm growing into myself. A bit like only watching The CW, when the programming on HBO is a bit more sophisticated, a bit more satisfying.

 

A more secure woman—a woman over, say, 35—will not be very patient with the "interrogation type stuff." She will also be inherently less interested in you if you're filling your social media feed with flavors of the month. That won't be compelling or interesting—won't trigger watery doe eyes so much as a shrug and a chuckle.

 

So, hey, maybe you need someone who is kind of into all that. Or, hey, you can choose to learn to more easily "let of of issues" so you can discover another way to connect. Or, I don't know, you can maybe learn to forgive whatever un-saintly sh*t you've gotten yourself into in the past so you're not drawn to un-saintly types in the present, and maybe, just maybe, seeing if together you two can find the road to sainthood by continuing to indulge in un-saintly behavior.

 

Food for thought, to sample as you desire.

[Wiseman2]

Your bait matches your catch.

I say, "Hey remember when you got upset when your ex texted you for sex? Why did that upset you?" And she goes, "um.. I don't remember." I said, "Um you told me it reminded of when he raped you....How can you say that when yall were still having sex after you broke up??" She goes, "Oh... I was only telling you that stuff to try and make you jealous."

[maaatt]

Okay so now that everyone has the basic story. Are you ready for the BOMBSHELL..? I have kept one big detail out. My gf.. is... Pregnant. She was taking birth control and after finding out she was pregnant, in her own words said, "Well I wasn't taking them routinely.." Which is crazy and I've never known a girl that wasn't militant about birth control but... yeah. So to those thinking I was wanting to wife her up.. I think it was maybe the opposite. I was having fun with my fancy free life. And maybe she wanted to lock me dowwwwwn. Because at no point did she want to not have the baby. I also of course was like, "is it mine?" And she called her exbf on speaker to clarify that last time they hooked up. So wasn't him. And I was with her every day for the week of the conception so yep.. Finally a dad. In a very jerry springer situation lol. But I'm excited nonetheless.

 

By the time she go preggo, that was back in mid June. I hadnt found out about her lying or the cheating. Though by that time I had dealt with the refriending thing and the bullsht rape story thing she made up that I mentioned in a post above. So I hadn't really decided one way or another about her red flags at the time.

[bluecastle]

Another example (and everyone will jump on her for this because it's pretty messed up). So now we were exclusive and I guess had dated for about a month. We're at her place and we're working on some paint project together. She gets a text, pauses, gets up and sits on her bed. I go, "what's wrong?" She says, "I just got a text from my exbf asking me to have sex with him." She looked really really anxious and disturbed. I go, "okay.. so why don't you tell him you're with some cool guy at the moment?" And she goes, "um.. no. maybe ill just block him." And I go, "So why are you so upset?" She says, "Well when we were broken up but still living together and I was dating Rodrigo, he (the ex) got jealous I was sleeping with Rodrigo so he raped me. And him messaging me about sex just reminds me that I'm not a sex object." So I actually felt really bad for her about that. Well, turns out, she admitted months later that she had been sleeping with her ex regularly when they broke up and even slept together the day BEFORE her and I's first date lol!!! So when I found that out I say, "Hey remember when you got upset when your ex texted you for sex? Why did that upset you?" And she goes, "um.. I don't remember." I said, "Um you told me it reminded of when he raped you....How can you say that when yall were still having sex after you broke up??" She goes, "Oh... I was only telling you that stuff to try and make you jealous."

 

I didn't want to say the above story because it's so so not right. Using rape to make a bf get jealous is so low. But I'm just trying to relay how she can be..

 

What you are relaying in the above, my friend, is how you can be. You are relaying that you are easily manipulated by horseplay. When I go grocery shopping the candy aisle does not "manipulate" me. I can choose to stock up on gummy bears or walk past them on the way to the produce aisle, you dig?

 

I'm not jumping on you, just kind of turning the light away from her and onto you. I get it. I've got a bit of a sweet tooth. Did I date someone for a hot minute last year, documented on this forum, who went on a kinda real, kinda fake Bumble date to (her words) make me jealous? Yup, I did! Did I breakup immediately after that? Nope, I did not! I nibbled on the candy for another two weeks, but I ain't going to try to frame it differently. And I did know that I wanted more than candy from life, so moving on to the produce aisle wasn't too hard.

 

All these words to get to what you already know but don't quite want to admit: You're in the candy aisle. Keep nibbling, but don't think you can nibble it into becoming a salad.

[Wiseman2]

I hope you're trolling with this chapter.

[maaatt]

I hope you're trolling with this chapter.

 

The pregnancy thing is true... I didn't want to bring it up initially because it would have convoluted the responses.

[maaatt]

What you are relaying in the above, my friend, is how you can be. You are relaying that you are easily manipulated by horseplay. When I go grocery shopping the candy aisle does not "manipulate" me. I can choose to stock up on gummy bears or walk past them on the way to the produce aisle, you dig?

 

I'm not jumping on you, just kind of turning the light away from her and onto you. I get it. I've got a bit of a sweet tooth. Did I date someone for a hot minute last year, documented on this forum, who went on a kinda real, kinda fake Bumble date to (her words) make me jealous? Yup, I did! Did I breakup immediately after that? Nope, I did not! I nibbled on the candy for another two weeks, but I ain't going to try to frame it differently. And I did know that I wanted more than candy from life, so moving on to the produce aisle wasn't too hard.

 

All these words to get to what you already know but don't quite want to admit: You're in the candy aisle. Keep nibbling, but don't think you can nibble it into becoming a salad.

 

Hey I admit I like bad girls. The one girl I dated that didn't have red flags I remember getting bored with lol. And with the other story I was just trying to defend the "doe eye" comment thing. She was basically playing a character role when she did that. So I didn't feel belittling by calling her out for her performance eyes lol.

[bluecastle]

You don't like bad girls, buddy. You just think you are a bad dude. If you liked bad girls you'd have liked her friending Rodrigo, you know? Thing is, neither you or her are bad people, but for some reason you both self-identify as that and in each other have a mirror to that. What we see in mirrors, however, does become us. And now a baby on the way. What is all very saucy and interesting to you right now is about to get very real, very fast.

[maaatt]

You don't like bad girls, buddy. You just think you are a bad dude. If you liked bad girls you'd have liked her friending Rodrigo, you know? Thing is, neither you or her are bad people, but for some reason you both self-identify as that and in each other have a mirror to that. What we see in mirrors, however, does become us. And now a baby on the way. What is all very saucy and interesting to you right now is about to get very real, very fast.

 

Thanks. Yeah I think we're both insecure people that can make poor decisions at times. But.. I hope there is a silver lining to this and we can learn from things and be stronger. And even if we aren't together we could still raise the little one well. Our families are both supportive. But we are trying to work out our stuff. With all the insanity that has happened it was the facebook friend thing that I've had the most trouble shaking. I mean, I even think I'm being petty. Especially with a looming baby. It's just how I am. But I like and appreciate your insight and views.

[indea08]

Gotta give major props to bluecastle for the astonishing amount of effort to spell this out to you in a way that you may actually grow from. It doesn’t appear that you’re in a headspace to understand it though.

 

I’ll be much more succinct and blunt about it.

 

I’m 29 (doesn’t even take 30 years of life experience to spot this mess) and let’s say I’m the next girl you meet after this one. When I find out that you 1. have extensive knowledge about her dating/sexual history, 2. knew that she re-friended some guy on Facebook, 3. felt roped into being exclusive, 4. stayed with a girl who lied about being raped, and 5. had a baby with the girl who lied about being raped.....I would think “this guy is a f*cking train wreck”. Add on top of that, you’re almost 40!? I’m out the door and blocking your number so fast.

 

So what bluecastle is trying to get you to do is reflect on who you actually are and compare it to who you want to be. I’m hoping there are some changes you may want to make....

[Hollyj]

I hope you're trolling with this chapter.

 

Damn, I feel for the kid!

[Hollyj]

Gotta give major props to bluecastle for the astonishing amount of effort to spell this out to you in a way that you may actually grow from. It doesn’t appear that you’re in a headspace to understand it though.

 

I’ll be much more succinct and blunt about it.

 

I’m 29 (doesn’t even take 30 years of life experience to spot this mess) and let’s say I’m the next girl you meet after this one. When I find out that you 1. have extensive knowledge about her dating/sexual history, 2. knew that she re-friended some guy on Facebook, 3. felt roped into being exclusive, 4. stayed with a girl who lied about being raped, and 5. had a baby with the girl who lied about being raped.....I would think “this guy is a f*cking train wreck”. Add on top of that, you’re almost 40!? I’m out the door and blocking your number so fast.

 

So what bluecastle is trying to get you to do is reflect on who you actually are and compare it to who you want to be. I’m hoping there are some changes you may want to make....

 

I so agree! it seems like he is attracted to the drama. The kid will pay for the parents decisions. He sounds like a 40-year-old going on 20. It's time to grow up!

 

OP, why weren't you using protection? How about STDs!

[bluecastle]

It's like this:

 

Saying "I'm a bad boy who likes bad girls" is easy. If you saw me out in the wilds of IRL you'd see a dude who can spin circles around the baddest of bad boys, at least with the surface level bs, since those circles would be spun on a motorcycle or surf board.

 

But that as the beginning and end of self-conception? It ain't cute, ain't mysterious. It is, as your girlfriend or friends might say, #basicaf. Taking petty thigs seriously is also easy, also basic. We were all 10-years-old once and threw tantrums when recess ended. It was lame then, which is why parents teach kids to not be lame. It's really lame when we're adults.

 

So, my advice? Time to chill not only with the bad boy/bad girl after-school special, and with the narrative of "hope" that maybe "we can learn from things and be stronger," but instead man the f up and embrace the narrative that you are going to learn from things and be stronger. Because that is the real baddest of the bad—the kind that is gold, is good. That's what's radical: swimming in the deep end, with grace, not flailing around in the kiddie pool with a cigarette between your lips.

 

Maybe she does too. Maybe that makes you plus her equal a workable romance, or (this is non-optional) it makes you awesome co-parents.

[maaatt]

Damn, I feel for the kid!

 

Lol you know we're not actually bad people...

[maaatt]

I so agree! it seems like he is attracted to the drama. The kid will pay for the parents decisions. He sounds like a 40-year-old going on 20. It's time to grow up!

 

OP, why weren't you using protection? How about STDs!

 

Before she found out she was pregnant we both got tested for everything. And yes, I do like some drama. Just not.. Too much.

[maaatt]

It's like this:

 

Saying "I'm a bad boy who likes bad girls" is easy. If you saw me out in the wilds of IRL you'd see a dude who can spin circles around the baddest of bad boys, at least with the surface level bs, since those circles would be spun on a motorcycle or surf board.

 

But that as the beginning and end of self-conception? It ain't cute, ain't mysterious. It is, as your girlfriend or friends might say, #basicaf. Taking petty thigs seriously is also easy, also basic. We were all 10-years-old once and threw tantrums when recess ended. It was lame then, which is why parents teach kids to not be lame. It's really lame when we're adults.

 

So, my advice? Time to chill not only with the bad boy/bad girl after-school special, and with the narrative of "hope" that maybe "we can learn from things and be stronger," but instead man the f up and embrace the narrative that you are going to learn from things and be stronger. Because that is the real baddest of the bad—the kind that is gold, is good. That's what's radical: swimming in the deep end, with grace, not flailing around in the kiddie pool with a cigarette between your lips.

 

Maybe she does too. Maybe that makes you plus her equal a workable romance, or (this is non-optional) it makes you awesome co-parents.

 

Oh I don't think myself as a bad boy. But I do like girls with an edge. Well when I put "Maybe we'll learn.." I mean maybe her time "tip toeing in the shade" will go away. I don't plan on straying and if I ever felt the need to I'd just end things with her. But that's not my plan. Yes, I agree I'm an idiot for not heading the read flags sooner. And when the refriending facebook thing happened, it was 2 weeks before the conception would have happened. So I had my chance. But we reap what we sew. Not directed to you bluecastle, because I've liked most of your points, but to the others calling me immature and all that... I don't really agree with that. I've acted stupidly. And with naivety. Me not paying attention to red flags and kindve trying to make a precarious situation (and I think i was a little denial earlier on because I'd always been so attracted towards my gf) was dumb.. but I don't know about immature.

[maaatt]

Gotta give major props to bluecastle for the astonishing amount of effort to spell this out to you in a way that you may actually grow from. It doesn’t appear that you’re in a headspace to understand it though.

 

I’ll be much more succinct and blunt about it.

 

I’m 29 (doesn’t even take 30 years of life experience to spot this mess) and let’s say I’m the next girl you meet after this one. When I find out that you 1. have extensive knowledge about her dating/sexual history, 2. knew that she re-friended some guy on Facebook, 3. felt roped into being exclusive, 4. stayed with a girl who lied about being raped, and 5. had a baby with the girl who lied about being raped.....I would think “this guy is a f*cking train wreck”. Add on top of that, you’re almost 40!? I’m out the door and blocking your number so fast.

 

So what bluecastle is trying to get you to do is reflect on who you actually are and compare it to who you want to be. I’m hoping there are some changes you may want to make....

 

I think the baby thing itself is enough to make you walk. But come on... I have extensive knowledge as a result of her lying constantly about it and then me trying to see what was real. Okay I knew she refriended a guy.. that's a deal breaker to you?? Felt roped into being exclusive.. Um - did you not read the part where I explained how she asked me to be exclusive, by saying she thought we had been, though she hadn't been following that herself at the time? She did lie to make me feel like we should be exclusive. And she actually was raped by the exbf btw. That wasn't a made up story. But her using it to make me feel sorry for her was her own doing. AAAnd, I didnt find out that that was all untrue until months later!!! It's like you expected me to be a human lie detector test. But yes, I do agree that me having a baby with a girl with red flags should make you run. And come on.. attacking my age?

[bluecastle]

I'll stay on the throttle a bit more.

 

What you are calling "an edge" I am calling a butter knife. Rodrigo this, FB that: remember middle school? That's middle school. Like, OMG, check this out from the archives: back when I was 16—no joking, this sh*t be realz!—I made out with [name redacted] after some punch spiked with Everclear and then, like, an hour later, I did more than make out with [name redacted]. First redacted name was, all, $#%#?! Then second redacted named was, all, $(%&?! Then I was, all, %#*$#?! Dude, it was cray-cray.

 

Oh wait. It wan't. It was sixteen. Sticks of butter and butter knives. Or, as they drew it up on the blackboard in physics class: boredom cubed x hormones squared x still-forming identities = DRAMA.

 

I don't think you like drama, by the way. I think you mistake drama for depth. Put that in the pipe and inhale a few times.

[indea08]

-When an emotionally intelligent and mature adult believes the person they are seeing is lying about their past, they don’t go researching to figure out what really happened.

 

-Emotionally intelligent and mature adults would not ever even notice if or when the person they were dating “friended” someone on social media.

 

-A grown adult should not be coerced into becoming exclusive just because the pretty girl batted her eyelashes. Multiple examples you have given demonstrate her ability to manipulate you. Mature adults don’t just allow themselves to be manipulated. The rape stuff falls into this category as well.

 

-I’m not attacking your age. If all these things occurred with a 24yr old guy, I would still think “yeahhh good luck with all that.” But the fact that all this is true at 40 years of age is so incredibly ridiculous that my reaction would be severe enough to feel like an attack. But that really is how off-putting all of this is. Trust me, I’m not overreacting.

[maaatt]

I'll stay on the throttle a bit more.

 

What you are calling "an edge" I am calling a butter knife. Rodrigo this, FB that: remember middle school? That's middle school. Like, OMG, check this out from the archives: back when I was 16—no joking, this sh*t be realz!—I made out with [name redacted] after some punch spiked with Everclear and then, like, an hour later, I did more than make out with [name redacted]. First redacted name was, all, $#%#?! Then second redacted named was, all, $(%&?! Then I was, all, %#*$#?! Dude, it was cray-cray.

 

Oh wait. It wan't. It was sixteen. Sticks of butter and butter knives. Or, as they drew it up on the blackboard in physics class: boredom cubed x hormones squared x still-forming identities = DRAMA.

 

I don't think you like drama, by the way. I think you mistake drama for depth. Put that in the pipe and inhale a few times.

 

All I'm saying is that when I get into a new relationship I'm not refriending my ex that I hadn't had contact with in ages. And yes, I guess I should have just dumped her then and then instead of getting all nitpicky and going on a social media witchhunt.

[indea08]

You don't like bad girls, buddy. You just think you are a bad dude. If you liked bad girls you'd have liked her friending Rodrigo, you know? Thing is, neither you or her are bad people, but for some reason you both self-identify as that and in each other have a mirror to that. What we see in mirrors, however, does become us. And now a baby on the way. What is all very saucy and interesting to you right now is about to get very real, very fast.

 

I'll stay on the throttle a bit more.

 

What you are calling "an edge" I am calling a butter knife. Rodrigo this, FB that: remember middle school? That's middle school. Like, OMG, check this out from the archives: back when I was 16—no joking, this sh*t be realz!—I made out with [name redacted] after some punch spiked with Everclear and then, like, an hour later, I did more than make out with [name redacted]. First redacted name was, all, $#%#?! Then second redacted named was, all, $(%&?! Then I was, all, %#*$#?! Dude, it was cray-cray.

 

Oh wait. It wan't. It was sixteen. Sticks of butter and butter knives. Or, as they drew it up on the blackboard in physics class: boredom cubed x hormones squared x still-forming identities = DRAMA.

 

I don't think you like drama, by the way. I think you mistake drama for depth. Put that in the pipe and inhale a few times.

 

*spits out drink* omg I love you for this.

[bluecastle]

What indea08 is saying—just venturing a guess here, not trying to talk over—is that you are making choices that are rendering you #basicaf to the kind of women you actually, somewhere in there, actually want to be with. She (both indea and the proverbial she) sees 1 through 5 plus 38 and goes: um, nah. A random weekend, at best, if you catch her on a downturn that she's going to right herself in seconds. Probably beginning that Monday after her lost weekend with you.

 

You're already looking at the woman you're going to have a child with as a maybe, at best, in terms of a romantic partner. Is what it is. But if you want to be partner, ever, you gotta partner up a bit in the vacuum of yourself first. You gotta teach yourself to make slightly different choices, so 1 through 5 becomes, say, 1 through 2 or 3. We're all human, and not all of us humans become humanitarians. We can slip and slide a bit—a bit—but at a certain point it just gets whacky.

 

Have you seen adults on Slip-n-Slides? It's really only cute when they're with their kids.

[maaatt]

-When an emotionally intelligent and mature adult believes the person they are seeing is lying about their past, they don’t go researching to figure out what really happened.

 

-Emotionally intelligent and mature adults would not ever even notice if or when the person they were dating “friended” someone on social media.

 

-A grown adult should not be coerced into becoming exclusive just because the pretty girl batted her eyelashes. Multiple examples you have demonstrated her ability to manipulate you. Mature adults don’t just allow themselves to be manipulated. The rape stuff falls into this category as well.

 

-I’m not attacking your age. If all these things occurred with a 24yr old guy, I would still think “yeahhh good luck with all that.” But the fact that all this is true at 40 years of age is so incredibly ridiculous that my reaction would be severe enough to feel like an attack. But that really is how off-putting all of this is. Trust me, I’m not overreacting.

 

You say mature adults don't allow themselves to be manipulated. I just want to know how if she told you the story that she told me when we became exclusive (because I did want to be exclusive, i was letting her take the lead though).. how would you know she was lying then? I wouldnt have become exclusive if I knew she had juuuust finally left her ex. But by the time I found out that was a lie, her and I had been exclusive for months and the ex was long gone. How would you know she was lying about feeling sad about the rape memory? Unless you're some CIA trained person that can do human lie detecting you wouldn't have! I didn't find out those were manipulations til muuuuuch later. I just think you're being a little unfair with those things because a good liar can pull some swerves on someone. At least I found out the truth eventually lol

 

Um.. I dunno. I think social media has really eroded the basic social niceties of people. And it enables people to be shady. I think at least early on, you should be aware of how your SO deals on social media. And I didn't really have to hunt too hard when they start reacting to posts on thier page. It kindve jumps out at you. And, yes, I'm allowed to look at my gf's social media page. That's not weird.

 

And if you think someone is lying you would.. just assume 100% they are full of it and dump them on the spot. Must be nice being so all-knowing.

[bluecastle]

All I'm saying is that when I get into a new relationship I'm not refriending my ex that I hadn't had contact with in ages. And yes, I guess I should have just dumped her then and then instead of getting all nitpicky and going on a social media witchhunt.

 

And therein lies the dilemma, one that is self-generated not her-generated. You can't take the high road when you're also in the trenches. You can't have it both ways. You can't be the Holy Roller would would never stoop to that level while then, well, heading down to the basement for another round of spin the bottle.

[indea08]

You say mature adults don't allow themselves to be manipulated. I just want to know how if she told you the story that she told me when we became exclusive (because I did want to be exclusive, i was letting her take the lead though).. how would you know she was lying then? I wouldnt have become exclusive if I knew she had juuuust finally left her ex. But by the time I found out that was a lie, her and I had been exclusive for months and the ex was long gone. How would you know she was lying about feeling sad about the rape memory? Unless you're some CIA trained person that can do human lie detecting you wouldn't have! I didn't find out those were manipulations til muuuuuch later. I just think you're being a little unfair with those things because a good liar can pull some swerves on someone. At least I found out the truth eventually lol

 

Um.. I dunno. I think social media has really eroded the basic social niceties of people. And it enables people to be shady. I think at least early on, you should be aware of how your SO deals on social media. And I didn't really have to hunt too hard when they start reacting to posts on thier page. It kindve jumps out at you. And, yes, I'm allowed to look at my gf's social media page. That's not weird.

 

And if you think someone is lying you would.. just assume 100% they are full of it and dump them on the spot. Must be nice being so all-knowing.

 

*Sigh.*

 

Good luck with all.