Wife doesnt want to save our marriage

[TxMidLifeDad]

I am sure he recognizes that you made these choices together. But they aren't working for her. And she can't be the a-hole who says so because you made them together. So instead says, "I'm tired of this" because she thinks you should just magically figure it out. But I'm telling you know, it's the lack of job that appears to be driving it along with nose diving her sexual attraction to you.

 

Sexual attraction? When did that get brought up? So its my fault she decided things weren't working out the way she wanted and I couldn't read her mind about it?

[TxMidLifeDad]

Methinks YOU had a lazy husband and are lashing out at the OP. He does not sound lazy at all to me!

 

Thanks. I know I could have done more, but I was never sitting around the house watching TV getting nothing done.

[Camber 2019]

Sexual attraction? When did that get brought up? So its my fault she decided things weren't working out the way she wanted and I couldn't read her mind about it?

 

Maybe TB has a problem in the bedroom that she's lashing out about also!!!!

[tattoobunnie]

I'm not saying you are. But I'm saying she thinks you are. My husband is not lazy at all. But there are plenty of things he could also be doing that is what's needed. With his ADHD, he'll work on something unnecessary for hours on end, but it's nothing to do what really needs to be done.

 

I find when the partner jumps to the conclusion that they're cheating, they could be, but it's also their way of not being accountable for their own actions. You keep bringing up how you both made these choices. But you have to remember, this is you life too. You need to learn when to cut your losses and when to lean in. It doesn't sound like you are doing either, but focusing on how, your "Wife doesnt want to save our marriage"...even that mindset alone means it's really up to her to save the marriage.

 

You aren't trying to figure out how you are culpable. A woman doesn't just wake up one day and go, "hey, I'm losing respect for my hubs." It takes a steady slide into that feeling. And by the time they bring it up, they've already have one foot out the door.

 

And just because you do a bunch; is it what she needs? Now you can keep thinking you're the victim that you had to become the stay at home dad, but it's not working. So stop. Make some choices about where you want to be in life. And do it. You don't need your wife to hold your hand for everything.

[tattoobunnie]

Sexual attraction? When did that get brought up? So its my fault she decided things weren't working out the way she wanted and I couldn't read her mind about it?

 

No one can read minds. This is where she is culpable.

[TxMidLifeDad]

I'm not saying you are. But I'm saying she thinks you are. My husband is not lazy at all. But there are plenty of things he could also be doing that is what's needed. With his ADHD, he'll work on something unnecessary for hours on end, but it's nothing to do what really needs to be done.

 

I find when the partner jumps to the conclusion that they're cheating, they could be, but it's also their way of not being accountable for their own actions. You keep bringing up how you both made these choices. But you have to remember, this is you life too. You need to learn when to cut your losses and when to lean in. It doesn't sound like you are doing either, but focusing on how, your "Wife doesnt want to save our marriage"...even that mindset alone means it's really up to her to save the marriage.

 

You aren't trying to figure out how you are culpable. A woman doesn't just wake up one day and go, "hey, I'm losing respect for my hubs." It takes a steady slide into that feeling. And by the time they bring it up, they've already have one foot out the door.

 

And just because you do a bunch; is it what she needs? Now you can keep thinking you're the victim that you had to become the stay at home dad, but it's not working. So stop. Make some choices about where you want to be in life. And do it. You don't need your wife to hold your hand for everything.

 

I never said anything about her cheating, I just think there is more to the story. She wont talk to me about anything so I guess I will never know. Im not leaving it up to her to save our marriage, I tried to talk to her so we both could work things out and get our feelings out in the open, but like you said, she is already out the door and doesn't want to talk. I understand I am not perfect, but it was a 2 way street. The only thing I am getting from you is it was all my fault for being lazy and jobless and not giving her what she needs. Do you know what she did for my needs? Maybe it was over a long time ago and i just missed all the signs, I will probably never know.

[Purdy]

I hate to say this.....buuuut.....you need to find out just what's on that phone of hers. I don't agree with posters calling you a loser or telling you to get a job. You have been doing what few men do - support your wife's career as per her own demands. She can't really prevent you from pursuing full time work and then be "resentful" that you don't have a career. Sorry, but there is something else going and you need to find out what that is.

 

Even if there is nothing, you need to call her out on her bs. Her attitude is not acceptable. This is not the time for you to roll over and play dead and just continue to cater to her demands. If she wants to leave the marriage, then she needs to pack her stuff and leave and pay you alimony and child support. Time for her to get a reality check and for you to grow a spine.

 

agree with this!

 

i mean sure, most women want a man who can provide BUT she agreed to this arrangement and now is resentful to you? makes no sense to put blame on you for something you BOTH decided.

 

she's definitely not in the mood to talk, which is code for she's not in any place to work on things with you. therefore, i'd keep looking for jobs and also watch her closely to see what else is going on. i have a feeling there is someone else in the picture feeding her lines of "you deserve better", "you're husband isn't a man", etc. now this person could be a new friend or a secret affair but whoever they are, they have influence.

[boltnrun]

My ex husband didn't want me to work so I didn't. Then he complained that I wasn't "contributing" ( I was only raising our kids and doing all the household chores...). So I got a job. Then he complained that I was tired and stressed all the time! I couldn't win.

 

I would go ahead and get a job because it's only going to benefit you. If she still wants out then it's not the lack of a job that's the problem.

[smackie9]

You are not leaving with nothing....you haven't been working, you have been raising your child, so guess what, she owes you alimony to keep you in the lifestyle you are used to. She can't kick you out, you own half of everything, and you will be sharing custody....that means no one receives child support. get a flippin lawyer.

[TxMidLifeDad]

You are not leaving with nothing....you haven't been working, you have been raising your child, so guess what, she owes you alimony to keep you in the lifestyle you are used to. She can't kick you out, you own half of everything, and you will be sharing custody....that means no one receives child support. get a flippin lawyer.

Ha! I live in Texas, I ain't getting anything except a kick in the butt as I go out the door.

[boltnrun]

Yeah, my friend had to cite adultery for her divorce in Texas. Even so, she only got something like a year of spousal support despite being a stay at home mother for years.

[abitbroken]

Being an EMT doesnt pay the bills, its a very low paying job. The only reason I did it so long before was I didnt have a child and could work massive amounts of overtime. I know it seems crazy to start a low paying entry level job, but it still pays more than being an EMT. As far a choosing a career in computers, I need a entry level position for a couple of years to get experience to move up, and my degree medians 6 figures. I missed the cut off age for a firefighter years ago and have no desire to go back into the medical field, which would require more education also. Back then we both talked about it and together decided on me staying at home and working on starting a new career. We both understood it would take a while and be hard. These are not choices I made on my own.

 

But its an effort. And if she is working, you are working. You can work a shift that ables the child to only be in day care a short time a week - you can take the early shift - she takes the kid to school, you are home when the child needs to be picked up. Your salary will pay for the extra school supplies and then she cannot say you are sitting around while the kid is at school. Also, there are other jobs that EMT is positive experience for. So work starting at 5-7 am a couple days a week and be home to pick up your kid from school.

[Starlight925]

Ha! I live in Texas, I ain't getting anything except a kick in the butt as I go out the door.

 

Texas is a community property state. All assets acquired during the marriage are equally split. You should/could also expect to get a 50% custody agreement.

 

Texas is a no-alimony state, so no, you would not be entitled to spousal support, or alimony. Which is why it's really important for you to have a job if/when this dissolves.

[lostandhurt]

So something has changed. 9 times out of 10 it is some sort of outside force causing the change.

 

For those of us that have been on this forum a while and have seen this situation over and over again it is almost always another person. I would bet there is some new guy in her life you may have heard of in passing and didn't give it much thought because you trust her so much. Or it could be a new friend (usually recently divorced) that she has been talking to and hearing how the single life is so great and if she was free they could have so much fun out and about.

 

There is no way of fixing anything if you do not know what is broken.

 

Here are a few questions that need to be answered by you for us:

 

1. Has she changed her work hours?

2. Has her weight and the way she dresses changed?

3. Has her phone habits changed? On it more?, secretive with it?, takes it in the bathroom with her?, puts it down when she is texting and you come close?

4. Has she bought new underwear recently?

5. Has she started visiting friends she never seemed to visit before?

6. Does she meet coworkers for drinks?

 

There are more but answer these and lets see where we land.

 

What you are getting right now is her trying to get you to do something. It may be to try and get you to act like a jerk and justify what she is doing behind your back or it may be her trying to get you to be the one that ends things so she isn't the bad guy but she is up to something.

 

What you need to do is to not accuse her of anything, keep your mouth shut and your eyes and ears wide open. Don't view her through the eyes of the man that loves her so much but through the eyes of a man that is trying to save his marriage. Stop asking her what is wrong because either she doesn't know or does not want to tell you the truth which is more likely.

Google doing the 180.

Basically you are going to do a total about face. Step up your game but not for her, for yourself.

Get up early, be clean shaven, dress nicer, smell nice, take your child out and do fun simple things together (park, walks, zoo, throwing the ball around, playing with toys), have the house clean and the yard done. Basically be the best possible version of who you were when you first met your wife.

There comes a time when you need to accept and understand what you can control and what you cannot. She has a mind set right now and you will never convince her to change it because she has to change it herself.

 

All this crap she is throwing at you is a smoke screen for what she is really feeling or doing. Ignore most of it and focus on what you have control over. No matter what happens down the road you will be okay and IF you do the things I suggest and the marriage ends you will be in a really good place to face that outcome.

 

Keep posting and answer the questions I asked.

 

Lost

[TxMidLifeDad]

So something has changed. 9 times out of 10 it is some sort of outside force causing the change.

 

For those of us that have been on this forum a while and have seen this situation over and over again it is almost always another person. I would bet there is some new guy in her life you may have heard of in passing and didn't give it much thought because you trust her so much. Or it could be a new friend (usually recently divorced) that she has been talking to and hearing how the single life is so great and if she was free they could have so much fun out and about.

 

There is no way of fixing anything if you do not know what is broken.

 

Here are a few questions that need to be answered by you for us:

 

1. Has she changed her work hours?

2. Has her weight and the way she dresses changed?

3. Has her phone habits changed? On it more?, secretive with it?, takes it in the bathroom with her?, puts it down when she is texting and you come close?

4. Has she bought new underwear recently?

5. Has she started visiting friends she never seemed to visit before?

6. Does she meet coworkers for drinks?

 

There are more but answer these and lets see where we land.

 

What you are getting right now is her trying to get you to do something. It may be to try and get you to act like a jerk and justify what she is doing behind your back or it may be her trying to get you to be the one that ends things so she isn't the bad guy but she is up to something.

 

What you need to do is to not accuse her of anything, keep your mouth shut and your eyes and ears wide open. Don't view her through the eyes of the man that loves her so much but through the eyes of a man that is trying to save his marriage. Stop asking her what is wrong because either she doesn't know or does not want to tell you the truth which is more likely.

Google doing the 180.

Basically you are going to do a total about face. Step up your game but not for her, for yourself.

Get up early, be clean shaven, dress nicer, smell nice, take your child out and do fun simple things together (park, walks, zoo, throwing the ball around, playing with toys), have the house clean and the yard done. Basically be the best possible version of who you were when you first met your wife.

There comes a time when you need to accept and understand what you can control and what you cannot. She has a mind set right now and you will never convince her to change it because she has to change it herself.

 

All this crap she is throwing at you is a smoke screen for what she is really feeling or doing. Ignore most of it and focus on what you have control over. No matter what happens down the road you will be okay and IF you do the things I suggest and the marriage ends you will be in a really good place to face that outcome.

 

Keep posting and answer the questions I asked.

 

Lost

 

1. She changed jobs back in June, but everything has been steady since then.

 

2.No, she has actually put on a few pounds this summer

 

3.No, but she is and always has been on it a lot, I dont mention it because it has caused arguments in the past.

 

4. No

 

5. No

 

6. No

[Camber 2019]

1. She changed jobs back in June, but everything has been steady since then.

 

2.No, she has actually put on a few pounds this summer

 

3.No, but she is and always has been on it a lot, I dont mention it because it has caused arguments in the past.

 

4. No

 

5. No

 

6. No

 

Hmmmm... might possibly be a new female friend at work that is putting ideas in her head, or listening to her complaints and helping her to blame you.

[lostandhurt]

1. She changed jobs back in June, but everything has been steady since then.

 

2.No, she has actually put on a few pounds this summer

 

3.No, but she is and always has been on it a lot, I dont mention it because it has caused arguments in the past.

 

4. No

 

5. No

 

6. No

 

That is all good except number 1 or it could be nothing at all.

 

Did her attitude towards you change not long after the new job?

 

The key to most of these situations is to not and try to overtly convince the other person to stay or work on the relationship but to make an environment where they WANT to stay or work on the marriage.

 

If she will not come right out and say what is going on with her then you have to fall back on what you have control over and that is you.

 

Here are some common mistakes men make at times like these:

 

Beg

Grovel

Act weak

Kiss butt

Buy flowers

Think a few date nights will fix it

Act clingy and needy

Show fear

 

All those things are incredibly unattractive.

 

Doing the 180 works and has worked. Just remember it took time to get here so it will take time to work your way back. If you get that time is the big question...

 

Lost

[TxMidLifeDad]

That is all good except number 1 or it could be nothing at all.

 

Did her attitude towards you change not long after the new job?

 

The key to most of these situations is to not and try to overtly convince the other person to stay or work on the relationship but to make an environment where they WANT to stay or work on the marriage.

 

If she will not come right out and say what is going on with her then you have to fall back on what you have control over and that is you.

 

Here are some common mistakes men make at times like these:

 

Beg

Grovel

Act weak

Kiss butt

Buy flowers

Think a few date nights will fix it

Act clingy and needy

Show fear

 

All those things are incredibly unattractive.

 

Doing the 180 works and has worked. Just remember it took time to get here so it will take time to work your way back. If you get that time is the big question...

 

Lost

 

She had the new job since begging of June, all this happened in the past 2 weeks.

 

I have never heard about the 180 before. I just read about it and plan to implement it starting now. I know the hardest part is controlling my emotions (which are all over the place), but it is time to concentrate on improving myself for me and my son.

[abitbroken]

She had the new job since begging of June, all this happened in the past 2 weeks.

 

I have never heard about the 180 before. I just read about it and plan to implement it starting now. I know the hardest part is controlling my emotions (which are all over the place), but it is time to concentrate on improving myself for me and my son.

 

I am wondering if fully and truly the switch happened because the 5 year old is now in school - that would be the big change in the house that happened in the past 2 weeks depending on what part of the country you are in. If your routine has not changed because of that (you are still finishing up the class just like you did when the kid was home 24-7) and nothing new on your end as far as networking in your new field or picking up hours to help out, then i can understand she might be hearing other women, or even men at her work have opinions to feed her with.

 

I also think part of it may be atitude -- yours -- instead of being excited by the prospect of switching careers and looking optimistically at it, you are very limiting, you say you are too old for firefighter, EMT doesn't pay well, and your new career pays peanuts, too and you might not make anything in it. So why did you choose it? Networking and and attitude goes a long way. Everything is computers so you can't tell me the future is bleak. If she has carried the family all this time, only to find out her husband thinks he picked the wrong thing to get into......i would be frustrated, too.

[TxMidLifeDad]

I am wondering if fully and truly the switch happened because the 5 year old is now in school - that would be the big change in the house that happened in the past 2 weeks depending on what part of the country you are in. If your routine has not changed because of that (you are still finishing up the class just like you did when the kid was home 24-7) and nothing new on your end as far as networking in your new field or picking up hours to help out, then i can understand she might be hearing other women, or even men at her work have opinions to feed her with.

 

I also think part of it may be atitude -- yours -- instead of being excited by the prospect of switching careers and looking optimistically at it, you are very limiting, you say you are too old for firefighter, EMT doesn't pay well, and your new career pays peanuts, too and you might not make anything in it. So why did you choose it? Networking and and attitude goes a long way. Everything is computers so you can't tell me the future is bleak. If she has carried the family all this time, only to find out her husband thinks he picked the wrong thing to get into......i would be frustrated, too.

 

Our son did start school a few weeks ago, around the same time he started a couple of evening activities that take up 3 or 4 evenings a week. I was aware that might cause a little stress. Since he started school I have been actively looking for a job in the computer field. I have not at any point been sitting on my butt watching tv, not having dinner ready, or letting her come home to a dirty house.

 

Im not sure if you read my post wrong or it got interpreted wrong. I am excited about starting a career in the computer field, never said otherwise. I did say in the beginning for the first couple years it wouldn't pay that well. After a couple years experience the pay off would be huge, and that was the end goal. The decision to go into the computer field was partly based off the fact that they arent going anywhere and the field will only continue to grow exponentially.

[lostandhurt]

Controlling your emotions and not reacting when she tries to provoke a response is not easy but it can be done if you see it coming. You know her pretty well so you should be able to see through her. If you are ever caught off guard and don't know how to respond simply tell her "That is a good question, let me think about it and get back to you" or something along those lines.

 

If you stop trying to change her mind and only focus on you then just about anything she says shouldn't have a lasting effect. I am not saying to be a robot, it is okay to have feelings or even get upset but once the initial shock has passed and you can step back and think it through you should be able to realize if it is important or just more of the same and then decide if you are going to allow it to control your behavior and ruin your game plan.

 

Be strong and confident and somewhat aloof about what is going on with you. She may ask "So you think if you dress nicer and get in better shape I will change my mind?" You will need an answer to that. what will it be? Perhaps "No, I am doing this for me and our son, this whole thing has been a wake up call for me that I have put myself last to often" Then walk away.

 

What ever you say it should be true and not some game to put her in her place. Give it some thought so you will be prepared. Remember, what ever the cause of this she has a big head start on you emotionally so you need to play catch up.

 

Lost

[TxMidLifeDad]

Thanks everyone for the advice. I ended up calling a good friend and unloaded on him. He listened and let me vent, and I broke down. As embarrassing as I find that to be, breaking down like that was what I needed. It helped me clear my head some and think a little more clearly.

 

Me and the wife sat down and talked after we put our son to bed last night. We calmly talked and listened to each other as we got our grievances out, 6 hours worth. In the end I told her I was sorry we let it get to this point no matter which way it went from here. I am working on improving myself and I'm not going to ask for her forgiveness, but I hope that I would earn it in time. We both admitted our faults. We figured out our communication sucks and that lead to resentment continually building up over time, couple that with the stress of life. We have a long road ahead of us, but for now we both agreed to work it out. Today is still rough for my emotions but they are little better today.

[lostandhurt]

Hey that is awesome news!!!

 

Of course that is just the start of a very long road. I know money is kind of an issue with your family at the moment but I would strongly suggest that you and your wife do not try and do this alone. Do you attend church? If not you should look for a family counselor or marriage counselor you can afford. Someone to guide you both towards a better relationship and communication.

 

If you believe she is being genuine then don't take your foot off the gas and keep going with your plan to improve yourself like your marriage depended on it.

 

There are times in our lives when things just blow up, unfortunately many times people get second chances and don't take full advantage of them. Don't be that guy, this may have all been a blessing in disguise.

 

Keep posting, we love good news and happy endings on here, we just don't see enough of them...

 

Lost