Broke up with separated man

[Andrina]

However, when he let me go knowing that he couldn't give me what I needed, I do feel he was sincerely selfless. He didn't want to but it hurt him to see what he was putting me through. I don't see men doing things like this. Ever. He picked up some bonus man points.

 

You're assuming this, I believe, naively. My take? He didn't get the sex he wanted, and on top of that, had to deal with the drama of a woman who was pressuring him for what he chose not to give. The payoff of his efforts never resulted in the outcome he desired.

[ThatwasThen]

Thanks for the response Rose. But to clarify, no I didn't go against my values. My values are not to sleep with a married man. I didn't do that.

Good for you, I see nothing wrong with your values and it's actually good to read that someone has a personal boundary in place that they didn't tear down just to date someone...as for your question: No, I wouldn't date a separated man that didn't have time to see me because he has his kids every weekend. That sounds like a still very much married man that is pretending to be separated. If that's not the case, then he's not got visitation etc ironed out with the courts and that in itself could be a problem with a relationship going forward.

[Belle]

If I were to get super analytical here I would say you might, just might, like the way you feel right now more than the feeling of genuine vulnerability.

 

But it seems like you’re choosing guys who you believe have a better chance to hurting you than not. What, do you think, is up with that?

 

No I don’t like the way this feels. If I did, I would have stayed with him til he divorced.

 

I am not choosing guys that have a better chance if hurting me. Before I dated him, I met a guy who was a great catch on paper but clearly was not over his ex and they had a lot of ongoing drama. I dated another guy 2 years out of his divorce and thought he was the real deal. He had the proper boundaries with his ex but he learned nothing from their divorce. His was super selfish, clingy and had low emotional intelligence. The separated guy mostly has his act together in that he is none of those things and has learned where he made mistakes. At a different time he has a lot to offer despite his initial selfishness.

[Belle]

Why would he have to ket you go? Why couldn't you do it on your own?

 

You were never a priority, a secret, and he didn't care, why would you sign up for that again? Also, he will not be ready for a relationship for at least two years after the divorce.

 

Move on.

 

That's an astute question. I had rejected him a couple of times, and I was trying to figure out a way to do it without creating drama and pain. Also, I wanted to see if he would notice that the drop off event wasn't acceptable and do the right thing. It was a little bit of a test. He got teary eyed, because I don't think he anticipated the things that could happen and how they would impact me. Ultimately, I didn't wait much longer because I had had enough.

 

I wasn't a priority and a secret. This could be a function of what happens during a divorce. It may not be though. At a different time, it might not be. This is what I'm grappling with. He did care, though. He was overestimating his emotional and physical availability and he recognized it.

 

I don't subscribe to the idea that everyone is the same and aren't ready or are ready after 2 years post divorce. However, I do recognize that the majority of people are a mess for at least a year. He's not in the mess category.

 

I think we saw each other about a dozen times. We were taking it slow.

[Belle]

but then you put it on him to just "let me go" based on your assessment of his emotional landscape. I know your intention isn't to turn romance into a game, but that is gamesmanship, making a connection more about power (who has it, who has lost it) than two autonomous people feeling things out and seeing what's what.

 

but I can't help but feel that an emotional unavailability on your part is at play here as well and that part of your frustrations are seeing that, or at least feeling it.

 

I think that there are some assumptions here that are leading you to an odd and inaccurate conclusion. I didn't tell him to let me go. There was no game.

 

I'm not emotionally unavailable. I want a healthy partner. I made a mistake in replacing my judgement with his. No one going through a divorce is in a place to have a healthy relationship with someone new. I won't make that mistake again.

[Belle]

Cherylyn - If you had read my post, I am not talking about taking him back while he's separated. The question is when he's divorced. I only saw him on one weekend in 3 months. I didn't see him only once on the weekend in 3 months.

 

He is a moral, decent man. I think you are jumping to conclusions based on a stereotype that any man that is separated is only looking to use women and treat them poorly. I actually know him and he's a good guy. In terms of baggage and ex and kids, at my age there are very few that don't have this. Many that don't have an ex wife and kids are emotionally unavailable and incapable of healthy relationships. So your self righteousness is unhelpful.

 

If he was trying to use me, he wouldn't have been willing to take it slow and he would have moved onto the next woman to get laid. He's a good looking guy. He can get other women to sleep with.

[Belle]

You were a rebound, someone to cushion his butt from the pain of divorce.

 

But in truth, you were with a married man and he and his wife still have unfinished business, especially if he was trying to hide you.

 

I suspect that in the future, once he totally is over his wife and his married life, he will look elsewhere.

 

YOu and he met at the wrong place and wrong time. It's done.

 

I may have been a rebound. Time will tell. But I don't know many divorced men signing up for rebounds without sex.

 

No, it's not the truth that I was with a married man and that they have unfinished business. They had sold their homes and were dividing assets. A friend of his introduced us. He vouched for him that he was a good guy.

 

Yes, it is entirely possible that once he's over his wife he may look elsewhere. This is why I'm uncertain about a second chance if it presented itself.

[Rose Mosse]

I think it depends what your tolerance levels are and each individual's tastes (where we are at in life). You're entitled to your opinion about individuals going through a divorce but it may sound incendiary and come across as offensive not only to people who may be going through a divorce (are separated and dating) or people who have done so in their past and come out just fine, happy, well-balanced and productive in new relationships (I'm referring specifically to your post #30, last paragraph).

 

In the end, people are just doing their thing. The only person that's got the chip hanging around on their shoulder is you because you seem upset and bitter and are now prone to making large generalizations about a group of people.

 

I'd stay any generalizations for now but keep your opinions of this person well and updated for yourself. No one deserves to hurt, like I've said before. It could also have gone both ways and he may have found you a bit skittish around him, a little too overly cautious and preemptive or a bit too judgmental with those preexisting standards hovering over your decisions about non-divorced men etc.

 

Mind you, I personally think you're well-balanced even if opinionated (as we all are) and very aware of your surroundings, a smart woman and fully capable of making yourself very happy. You just seem hurt and are at risk of sounding or becoming too bitter for what the situation warrants. At the end of it, neither of you were very involved with each other and I think you deserve to find happiness regardless of any of this. Don't let this bring you down anymore.

[Belle]

Jibralta - I'd be willing to bet you a large sum of money that he will be back. I bet that I'd hear from him again after I got cold feet the first time. I didn't know it would be that fast.

 

I am concerned that the chemistry was rebound chemistry. He did try hard to go slowly and there was no limerence which is highly common in rebound relationships. He asked a lot of questions to see if I was ready for a relationship after my ex. He was cautious as well. Just not as much as me because I had no kids and zero ties with my ex.

 

I doubt he has found someone new but it is not out of the realm of possibility. It is what it is. I don't think he used my concerns as an out. He took responsibility for the fact that the relationship as it was was unhealthy and he was sincere in feeling regret. He told me he wasn't seeing anyone even though I was still seeing others. I believe he wanted exclusivity but couldn't ask for it since he was technically still married.

 

What you quoted, yeah. That was pretty lousy.

[Belle]

No. Bad timing can never be fixed. If it's not there at the start, it will never be there.

 

By the time he is sorted you will both be two different people. Once the divorce is signed, nothing magical happens. It's just a legal document. It takes a while to adjust to a new life. Think years, not weeks. There are exceptions, there always is. More people go down in flames chasing exceptions, instead of reality.

 

You live by your values, or you don't. You can't have your cake and eat it.

 

I don't necessarily agree with always and never statements. That's very black and white.

 

Agreed that the legal document doesn't change whether or not he's still attached to his wife in a way that newly divorced men are.

 

I am living by my values. They are exactly that, my values. You don't get to interpret them differently and tell me that I'm not.

[Belle]

So, I hate to tell you this, but even after divorce, he may not treat you right (he has not been treating you right). Since you met during this period of his life, there is a high chance things will be still be rough or that he would drop you out of the blue.

 

I would strongly suggest dating other men.

 

Just because a person is single or divorced does not mean they are ready for a relationship. And it's not like the Hollywood movies - you get one chance at love per-person.

 

I have a date tomorrow with someone that's been divorced for 2 years. He has no ties to his ex.

 

And agreed, the separated man wasn't treating me right. This is why I am reconsidering the future. There is no way to know that he'll treat me any different. I feel that once you set the tone early on in the relationship, it's hard to change the pattern. But I have seen guys take women for granted that get dumped and then get their act together. But there's all of the baggage.

[HeartGoesOn]

Belle...Please keep it civil, and avoid attacking other members regarding their opinions.

[bluecastle]

Apologies for the confusion.

 

I like your attitude, and I trust that he’s a good guy. While the whole divorce/separation stuff adds risk, at the end of the day we don’t quite know what we’re in until we’re in it a bit. I know single, deeply-therapized people who are totally unavailable. I also have a best friend who started dating a woman shortly after he separated from his first wife; they’re now married, years in, solid. Had she posted here at the start I’m sure most people would have told her she’s nuts. But she wasn’t posting here because, well, they worked.

 

One thing to think about: I think it’s best to get involved with people where, for whatever reason, we aren’t “scared” of what might happen. For instance, I’ve dated women who, upon meeting me, quickly project certain fears: namely that I may run off at any moment, since I own homes in a few cities. And that dialogue kind of becomes part of the courtship—kind of spicy, very limited. I’d find myself almost playing off that energy, thinking of myself as the dangerous nomad rather than, you know, a dude with a life interested in a partner.

 

Not saying you did that, but it does sound like you were on red alert due to his situation while still proceeding. It’s easy to build heat and connection—chemistry—from “will you hurt me” tension but it’s rarely sustainable, rarely the road to the deeper calm of connection.

[Belle]

However, when he let me go knowing that he couldn't give me what I needed, I do feel he was sincerely selfless. He didn't want to but it hurt him to see what he was putting me through. I don't see men doing things like this. Ever. He picked up some bonus man points.

 

You're assuming this, I believe, naively. My take? He didn't get the sex he wanted, and on top of that, had to deal with the drama of a woman who was pressuring him for what he chose not to give. The payoff of his efforts never resulted in the outcome he desired.

 

I'm not being naive. It doesn't make sense for a guy to wait 3 months for sex (and willing to wait 6 more) if he was just using me. He came back to have a conversation and apologize and admit that he wasn't available to be in a relationship with what he has going on. I know that people want to be protective, but guys that use women for sex are actually getting it. I didn't pressure him. When I realized that I wasn't going to get my needs met I broke up with him.

[Belle]

If that's not the case, then he's not got visitation etc ironed out with the courts and that in itself could be a problem with a relationship going forward.

 

Thanks Thatwas. I meant if the person was divorced. I will never consider another separated man. If I didn't know his friend, I would have never done it.

 

He didn't have visitation ironed out. Two of his kids are teenagers and have their own lives and didn't like staying at his house. His wife was trying to overcompensate by having them spend every weekend with him towards the end. I'm assuming this is true. I found him to be overly transparent because of the situation, so I don' t have a reason to think he's lying.

[boltnrun]

I don't believe he was attempting to "use" you for sex. I'm not sure he was consciously "using" you at all.

 

But it sure is nice when, after the person who you thought you'd be with for life rejects you (or you find out you made the wrong choice), someone else comes along who makes you feel good about yourself again.

 

My husband ignored me and disregarded me. I would go to events with friends (because he "couldn't" go because he was working 70 hours a week) and it felt good when men acted like I was cool or nice or pretty. I wasn't getting that from my husband.

 

So I don't think it's necessarily that he made the decision to "use" you. He just may have realized he was spending time with you for the wrong reasons. None of those reasons were that he was wanting sex.

[Belle]

I think it depends what your tolerance levels are and each individual's tastes (where we are at in life). You're entitled to your opinion about individuals going through a divorce but it may sound incendiary and come across as offensive not only to people who may be going through a divorce (are separated and dating) or people who have done so in their past and come out just fine, happy, well-balanced and productive in new relationships (I'm referring specifically to your post #30, last paragraph).

 

In the end, people are just doing their thing. The only person that's got the chip hanging around on their shoulder is you because you seem upset and bitter and are now prone to making large generalizations about a group of people.

 

You're right. I shouldn't be saying everyone/no one always or never. But many of the posts here have, so I am feeling pressured to adopt that mindset. I don't think I should have dated a separated man, however. I do not think that separated people are nefarious, morally bankrupt people for wanting to date others. I do judge those that think that it's ok to use others to rebound with when they are not in a position to participate. There's a distinction. It was my job to avoid the possibility of being a rebound. I'm not bitter about him. I think he's a good guy, despite the assumptions that some are making on here about him. I could be wrong. I only knew him a few months. But I am clearly scared that the way he treated me would continue if we dated again after his divorce.

[Belle]

But it sure is nice when, after the person who you thought you'd be with for life rejects you (or you find out you made the wrong choice), someone else comes along who makes you feel good about yourself again.

 

So I don't think it's necessarily that he made the decision to "use" you. He just may have realized he was spending time with you for the wrong reasons. None of those reasons were that he was wanting sex.

 

Yeah. Attention is nice when you're getting divorced or are recently divorced. I myself rebounded after my divorce. I never did again afterwards though. It prevented healing.

[Belle]

I also have a best friend who started dating a woman shortly after he separated from his first wife; they’re now married, years in, solid. Had she posted here at the start I’m sure most people would have told her she’s nuts. But she wasn’t posting here because, well, they worked.

 

One thing to think about: I think it’s best to get involved with people where, for whatever reason, we aren’t “scared” of what might happen. For instance, I’ve dated women who, upon meeting me, quickly project certain fears: namely that I may run off at any moment, since I own homes in a few cities. And that dialogue kind of becomes part of the courtship—kind of spicy, very limited. I’d find myself almost playing off that energy, thinking of myself as the dangerous nomad rather than, you know, a dude with a life interested in a partner.

 

Not saying you did that, but it does sound like you were on red alert due to his situation while still proceeding. It’s easy to build heat and connection—chemistry—from “will you hurt me” tension but it’s rarely sustainable, rarely the road to the deeper calm of connection.

 

I also know a couple that started out dating during the separation from one of my friends. They have 2 kids and have been together since. But that's not the norm.

 

I hear you on the energy that goes with this. I prefer a guy that is stable and boring. If he weren't in this situation, I believe he'd be that guy. I was on red alert after the kid drop off. That felt pretty bad. I know that if we did decide to try again and there was more of that, I'd have to call it a day. Life is too short for other people's drama.

[Cherylyn]

Cherylyn - If you had read my post, I am not talking about taking him back while he's separated. The question is when he's divorced. I only saw him on one weekend in 3 months. I didn't see him only once on the weekend in 3 months.

 

He is a moral, decent man. I think you are jumping to conclusions based on a stereotype that any man that is separated is only looking to use women and treat them poorly. I actually know him and he's a good guy. In terms of baggage and ex and kids, at my age there are very few that don't have this. Many that don't have an ex wife and kids are emotionally unavailable and incapable of healthy relationships. So your self righteousness is unhelpful.

 

If he was trying to use me, he wouldn't have been willing to take it slow and he would have moved onto the next woman to get laid. He's a good looking guy. He can get other women to sleep with.

 

I think you can do better. He still has too much baggage even though he isn't divorced yet. You'll always have to compete for his time and attention because his kids will occupy his brain space not to mention his wallet. If you don't mind never being top priority because his kids take precedence, go for it. And, ok, you only saw him one weekend in 3 months. Yay!

 

You just have to settle then. I thought you could afford to be picky and choosy and if you cannot, then you deal with the circumstances which are not optimal and ideal.