Dumped for the 3th time, struggling to move on :(

[No1]

OP.. you kind of glanced over a few little details in your summary. She dumped her BF and then you swooped in and had sex with her on the first date. Then a WEEK later she told you she had no feelings for you and there was no future between you and her. Then you went back to her after she called you a lot. Then she told you that she wanted to just be friends, then she eventually broke up with you to go back to her X.

I am a pretty honest guy and I think no matter what advice you get, you are going to want her back. You have had plenty of chances to get off the ride and say no more but when you want sex, and she offers, you go right back to her. You know she is not good for you but is the sex so good that its worth all of this pain?

You can get all the advice you want on here but it really boils down to you. What is it you want? If you still want her then no advice on here will help you. If you dont want her in your life anymore then listen to those that offer you advice. But first thing is first. Before anything you must decide where you want to go before you decide on your path.

Good luck

[Carus]

Yes I agree with you FIO*....which is why I also said this...>>

....but do learn the lessons you now have an opportunity to learn*

...in which I was referring to him.

 

And also this...>>

Please let us know if she orbits back around again so we can help to keep you strong....The chances are fairly high that she will*

What I’ve recently come to realise is that the stages of ‘Love bombing - Devaluing - Discarding’ and the damage it can cause is not just based in narcissism and dating a narcissist.

 

It can happen in all types of relationships and really does damage.

 

The way this relationship started and the fact Pik* kept going back for more, yes that is also an issue worth delving into...

 

Carus*

[Pikachu]

It’s true, there were many many red flags even at the start of the relationship. I was just head over heals in love with her and ignored the red flags.. I would probably have found someone else by now and probably someone better, but unfortunately we can’t unwind the past. My heart still wants her, I guess I’m an absolut fool when it comes to her. I won’t take her back, I just need some time to let NC do its work and my feelings will slowly begin to fade. She won’t comeback also, she made it clear that we don’t work as a couple. But yeah, so did she the other times. Maybe I need to find another girl to make me realize there is more in this world than my ex? But right now, I’m absolutely not interested in someone else. Wouldn’t be fair also for the other girl

[Pikachu]

I really hate myself for the fact I just can’t say f*ck you to my ex and move on. I know we can never be together again, but my feelings for her are still strong.

[boltnrun]

Have you blocked her from contacting you? Have you unfollowed her on Instagram? Have you deleted her contact info from your phone and computer? Are you refraining from asking friends what she's doing?

 

Have you done this?

 

The fact that you're ignoring my posts suggesting this makes me think you haven't and are still hoping she contacts you to reconcile.

[Pikachu]

Have you done this?

 

The fact that you're ignoring my posts suggesting this makes me think you haven't and are still hoping she contacts you to reconcile.

 

I removed her on snapchat, instagram and facebook (social media I have), deleted her number but haven’t blocked it. I never do this, I never broke NC before so I’ll stick to it

[Wiseman2]

Do you miss her or the "amazing feeling" her flattery and attention gave you?

[Pikachu]

Do you miss her or the "amazing feeling" her flattery and attention gave you?

 

Hard to say. Maybe I miss being in a relationship and having someone you can fall back on every time of the day. Physically she was a 9/10 for me and I have a hard time believing to find something like that again. I was single for 7 months and didn’t find someone that matched her. Maybe that’s the reason why it feels harder now than my second breakup 1 year ago

[figureitout23]

It’s true, there were many many red flags even at the start of the relationship. I was just head over heals in love with her and ignored the red flags.. I would probably have found someone else by now and probably someone better, but unfortunately we can’t unwind the past. My heart still wants her, I guess I’m an absolut fool when it comes to her. I won’t take her back, I just need some time to let NC do its work and my feelings will slowly begin to fade. She won’t comeback also, she made it clear that we don’t work as a couple. But yeah, so did she the other times. Maybe I need to find another girl to make me realize there is more in this world than my ex? But right now, I’m absolutely not interested in someone else. Wouldn’t be fair also for the other girl

 

No, do not date. You’re right very bad idea.

 

Despite popular belief NC doesn’t really work on its own, you have to do some of the heavy lifting too.

 

There’s a poster here who proclaimed he was 326 days NC from his ex wife and then would proceed to ask what it meant that she didn’t delete him from Skype. He even claimed to marry another ex who he was NC with, he proclaimed to anyone who would listen the value of NC... obviously NC wasn’t working for him. You can’t just be NC while pining away for them, the process of moving on has to be in conjunction with NC.

 

Even just deleting and blocking isn’t enough either in my personal opinion and that’s the most powerful tool you have. Some will just unblock and then panic wondering if they contacted them when they were blocked, how do I know? Cause that’s what I’d do! Lol, as bolt pointed out, you still hope she will come back... until you begin to let that go you aren’t going to move on.

 

I’ve been there. It sucks so bad, heartache is the worst.

 

Stay active, stay busy, get a support system if you don’t have one already, focus on you, if you’re able get into counseling and a big one block and delete.

 

You got this one day at a time

[Carus]

I really hate myself for the fact I just can’t say f*ck you to my ex and move on.

Yeh...if only it were that easy huh...?

 

No point hating yourself PiK* - Healing takes time....

[boltnrun]

I removed her on snapchat, instagram and facebook (social media I have), deleted her number but haven’t blocked it. I never do this, I never broke NC before so I’ll stick to it

 

You're missing my point.

 

SHE can still contact YOU. Is that what you're hoping for?

[Lucha]

In summary, what you describe is this ex-girlfriend promised you the world like three times or so only to cheat on you and/or bail out when something didn’t go her way (“doing whatever she wants whenever she wants”) or when she experienced doubts. What you describe is some serious push-pull dynamics, OP, not “love” and certainly not the love of your life.

 

I’m a firm believer that every relationship requires work and compromise, but BOTH people have to want this. Seems like you want it a lot but she doesn’t want this at all. The question is, why do you continue to want all of this pain and anguish?

 

The ‘love of your life’ would never treat you like this woman has, OP. You will discover as soon as you are able to put this woman to the curb and start improving yourself to be in a good position to meet other women. Also, don’t talk about physical attraction in numbers like 9/10, it’s really superficial. But I think this is more of a selfesteem issue than your actual odds of matching up with an attractive girl ever again.

 

Work on your self esteem.

 

And take the advice: before your self esteem is raised substantially higher than it is know, keep out of contact with this woman for she will just rail you in again and you’ll experience this breakup another 4 times or more.. you are wasting valuable time.

[Lucha]

And also: no contact is for you. It has zero value if you consider this a means to get back with/ at her - for reconciliation matters or revenge. You should do this because this woman messes with your head and you could use the down time to shift focus on yourself.

[No1]

OP.. get professional help. Seek counseling. Im not saying this to be mean, Im saying this because that is what you need. This goes beyond a simple break up. There are issues that you have not delt with and you are using her and this broken relationship as a great time consumer. Fact is you know already she is not the one for you, you know she is a pain and nothing but trouble. You also been told by your family and friends she is bad news, you have been warned about her, and yet, you still go back. Question is why?

Its not love.. You would probably do anything for her but she wouldn't do the same for you. Its not happiness either. All this girl has given you is confusion so its not happiness. But you have mentioned sex. So is it the sex? Is she that hot? What are you afraid of if you let her go? Why do you let another person treat you like a doormat? Why do you accept being the option or third or fourth best? Do you believe you see attention regardless if its good or bad as long as its attention? Do you seek approval from her. You know in your heart you are not the #1 guy so do you try hard to prove her wrong? Do you often ask yourself what does the other guys have that you don't?

 

You can look at yourself in the mirror and be really honest with yourself, or you can avoid looking at yourself and continue to wear the mask on how you want her to see you as. Because I think you have fractured yourself into many pieces trying to figure out what she wants instead of having her accept who you are. So ask yourself what is it you want. But I would suggest seeking out help. There could be other issues that are preventing you from moving on.

 

Its hard to decide where you want to go when you are spinning in circles.

[Pikachu]

Thanks for the many responses, sometimes it’s a bit harsh but I appreciate it alot. I had the feeling that I had to do al the effort and compromising, so that’s indeed not how a healthy relationship works.

[Pikachu]

The on/off relationship has indeed decreased my self-worth a lot

[figureitout23]

Thanks for the many responses, sometimes it’s a bit harsh but I appreciate it alot. I had the feeling that I had to do al the effort and compromising, so that’s indeed not how a healthy relationship works.

 

The on/off relationship has indeed decreased my self-worth a lot

 

No it’s not. But you doing all the compromising and effort was like number 20 on the ‘this is a train wreck’ list. As well as this being on again off again destroying your self esteem, I’m sure it hurt it further but again pikachu, it had to of already been low for you to see her as a viable partner. Can I ask you a question, and be honest, what were your thoughts when she told you about all the trouble with her boyfriend, at the two year mark, what were your thoughts when she ditched him for you? Did you care how it was affecting him? Did you think in the back of your head, this is wrong, after you ‘won’ her how long until you started to feel you’d face the same fate? All serious questions.

[Wiseman2]

Try to think of it in reverse. Poor self worth leads to on/off relationships. Why? Because they are all wrong and you can't get along with them. In others words you're settling for a lousy situation because you think you can't do better.

The on/off relationship has indeed decreased my self-worth a lot

[figureitout23]

Bingo!!!!!

[Pikachu]

No it’s not. But you doing all the compromising and effort was like number 20 on the ‘this is a train wreck’ list. As well as this being on again off again destroying your self esteem, I’m sure it hurt it further but again pikachu, it had to of already been low for you to see her as a viable partner. Can I ask you a question, and be honest, what were your thoughts when she told you about all the trouble with her boyfriend, at the two year mark, what were your thoughts when she ditched him for you? Did you care how it was affecting him? Did you think in the back of your head, this is wrong, after you ‘won’ her how long until you started to feel you’d face the same fate? All serious questions.

 

I actually thought that it would be different with me. That I was the only one who could make her leave someone. I know I shouldn’t have gotten back with her. But everyone makes mistakes. I can’t believe that everyone here who had giving advice, didn’t do some stupid things when acting on emotions and not being rationally

[Pikachu]

Try to think of it in reverse. Poor self worth leads to on/off relationships. Why? Because they are all wrong and you can't get along with them. In others words you're settling for a lousy situation because you think you can't do better.

 

Indeed bingo, remember she’s my first real love. But you are correct

[figureitout23]

Indeed bingo, remember she’s my first real love. But you are correct

 

Plenty of people, I’d even say most have had first loves who were not someone else boyfriend. You can ignore this all you want but it’s a reality you’re going to have to eventually face about this relationship.

 

I actually thought that it would be different with me. That I was the only one who could make her leave someone. I know I shouldn’t have gotten back with her. But everyone makes mistakes. I can’t believe that everyone here who had giving advice, didn’t do some stupid things when acting on emotions and not being rationally

 

Oh gosh no of course not, I’ve done some incredibly stupid things growing up, that’s part of growing up that’s what makes you wiser and stronger, acknowledging the stupid stuff we did and learning from it. You believing it would be different with you and that you were the only one to ‘make her leave someone’ Is such an unhealthy mindset to have in a relationship and the false ego boost that gave you!! Think about it, ‘she left him for ME!’ I’m amazing! Made you feel on top of the world right? Until it didn’t, which was abouuuut what? A month until she left you for her ex? Then she left you again and this final time your trust was so broken you couldn’t even trust her to talk to other men, which who would?

 

I realize pointing this bleak reality feels like an attack, the sad thing is, it was simply the reality of your broken relationship. Two broken people finding one another not caring about anyone else but themselves, then you’re shocked when they treated you the same. How you got her is how you lost her. Learn that lesson, learn she was no good for you nor was she ever a good partner. I’m sorry. She cheated on her boyfriend with you then went back to him, then left you again, she was not your one true love, you just ended up with a super crappy first love because you for whatever reason (self esteem, emotions whatever) you decided it was ok to hurt other people to get what you wanted. I realize you most likely wouldn’t have known before her that dating someone right out of a relationship is a bad idea, I’m so sorry that this is how you had to learn. I had to learn at 17, when my boyfriend at the time, ‘had’ to go back to his ex because she claimed she was pregnant, turns out she wasn’t surprise, surprise, but he thought her doing that was just the most romantic thing ever, so I got dumped, lol. I laugh now at the ridiculousness of it, but at the time I was so hurt. It sucks having to learn these lessons but if we don’t accept them we don’t learn and we don’t move on.

[Pikachu]

Plenty of people, I’d even say most have had first loves who were not someone else boyfriend. You can ignore this all you want but it’s a reality you’re going to have to eventually face about this relationship.

 

 

 

Oh gosh no of course not, I’ve done some incredibly stupid things growing up, that’s part of growing up that’s what makes you wiser and stronger, acknowledging the stupid stuff we did and learning from it. You believing it would be different with you and that you were the only one to ‘make her leave someone’ Is such an unhealthy mindset to have in a relationship and the false ego boost that gave you!! Think about it, ‘she left him for ME!’ I’m amazing! Made you feel on top of the world right? Until it didn’t, which was abouuuut what? A month until she left you for her ex? Then she left you again and this final time your trust was so broken you couldn’t even trust her to talk to other men, which who would?

 

I realize pointing this bleak reality feels like an attack, the sad thing is, it was simply the reality of your broken relationship. Two broken people finding one another not caring about anyone else but themselves, then you’re shocked when they treated you the same. How you got her is how you lost her. Learn that lesson, learn she was no good for you nor was she ever a good partner. I’m sorry. She cheated on her boyfriend with you then went back to him, then left you again, she was not your one true love, you just ended up with a super crappy first love because you for whatever reason (self esteem, emotions whatever) you decided it was ok to hurt other people to get what you wanted. I realize you most likely wouldn’t have known before her that dating someone right out of a relationship is a bad idea, I’m so sorry that this is how you had to learn. I had to learn at 17, when my boyfriend at the time, ‘had’ to go back to his ex because she claimed she was pregnant, turns out she wasn’t surprise, surprise, but he thought her doing that was just the most romantic thing ever, so I got dumped, lol. I laugh now at the ridiculousness of it, but at the time I was so hurt. It sucks having to learn these lessons but if we don’t accept them we don’t learn and we don’t move on.

 

It's true, we started at a bad way and during the relationship she always wanted to maintain good contact with her ex'es as well. Normally that wouldn't bother me much, but in this case she left me once for him. But she couldn't seem to understand that you can't have both. In the long term, I know this girl has different views on the future and eventually we would split up again. So maybe it's for the better. Now I can finally move on and begin to heal so I can find someone better. Our relationship was doomed to fail from the start and breaking up 2 times hasn't made it better. Last weekend I went out again and had fun. I'm starting to see there are many, many other girls and NC is doing it's work.

[Carus]

Now I can finally move on and begin to heal so I can find someone better.

Last weekend I went out again and had fun. I'm starting to see there are many, many other girls and NC is doing it's work.

Good stuff Pik* ~ You'll still have your down days (especially if she throws you some crumbs) but you're definitely going in the right direction*

 

Carus*

[boltnrun]

Good stuff Pik* ~ You'll still have your down days (especially if she throws you some crumbs) but you're definitely going in the right direction*

 

Carus*

 

Well, "crumbs" can be avoided by blocking...