Dumped for the 3th time, struggling to move on :(

[Pikachu]

Why don't you want her to be happy?

 

Because she dumped me 3 times? Do you think you would be saying: “oh dear ex who dumped me 3 times, I hope you are happy”

[boltnrun]

Because she dumped me 3 times? Do you think you would be saying: “oh dear ex who dumped me 3 times, I hope you are happy”

 

It keeps your focus on her instead of on moving past this bad experience. You went back to her for round two and round three and if you continue to wish her ill it's possible you are vulnerable for round four.

 

Might not make sense now but it will once more time passes.

[Pikachu]

It keeps your focus on her instead of on moving past this bad experience. You went back to her for round two and round three and if you continue to wish her ill it's possible you are vulnerable for round four.

 

Might not make sense now but it will once more time passes.

 

You’re right.. I just need a way to shift my focus on me and not on her...

[figureitout23]

You’re right.. I just need a way to shift my focus on me and not on her...

 

Yes you do.

 

Do you have a game plan?

[Pikachu]

Actually not, I’m feeling quite depressed lately. I’m suffering from a serious soccer injury which has my sidelined

For another 2 months minimum. Normally playing soccer with my friends helps me change my mind. I guess it can only get better from here on..

[Honeycomb8]

Don't ever take her back again. Your self respect needs to be worked on, she's a mess.

[figureitout23]

Actually not, I’m feeling quite depressed lately. I’m suffering from a serious soccer injury which has my sidelined

For another 2 months minimum. Normally playing soccer with my friends helps me change my mind. I guess it can only get better from here on..

 

Not if you don’t actively work on moving on, what it sounds like now is your typical MO of self pity and wallowing until she comes back.

[Pikachu]

Not if you don’t actively work on moving on, what it sounds like now is your typical MO of self pity and wallowing until she comes back.

 

Do you have suggestions how to go from here?

[boltnrun]

Block her number and delete it from your phone. Unfriend her on all social media and do not "follow" her Instagram. Do not ask mutual friends what she's doing.

 

Then start on you. Just because you can't actually play soccer at the moment doesn't mean you can't attend games and hang out with teammates. Take a class, volunteer, order something online that will take a lot of time and effort to put together or complete. Binge watch a show you always wanted to watch (NOT her favorite show or one you used to watch together!). Think of things you wanted to do but didn't because you wanted to put all your focus on her or on waiting for her to come back. Do them now!

[figureitout23]

Block her number and delete it from your phone. Unfriend her on all social media and do not "follow" her Instagram. Do not ask mutual friends what she's doing.

 

Then start on you. Just because you can't actually play soccer at the moment doesn't mean you can't attend games and hang out with teammates. Take a class, volunteer, order something online that will take a lot of time and effort to put together or complete. Binge watch a show you always wanted to watch (NOT her favorite show or one you used to watch together!). Think of things you wanted to do but didn't because you wanted to put all your focus on her or on waiting for her to come back. Do them now!

 

Bingo.

 

At the very least get out of the house.

[Pikachu]

I know, it’s just hard to accept. We were each others bestfriends and we did have a good connection, but it’s to f*cked up now. I could never believe anything she says, because her actions speak 10 times louder than her words. It’s just very hard to believe I will find the same connection with someone else

[figureitout23]

I know, it’s just hard to accept. We were each others bestfriends and we did have a good connection, but it’s to f*cked up now. I could never believe anything she says, because her actions speak 10 times louder than her words. It’s just very hard to believe I will find the same connection with someone else

 

Pikachu... the truth is you never had that type of ‘connection’ with her. From the start you were attempting to prove yourself to her. From the start.

 

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=499012

 

She cheated on her boyfriend with you, she did, the saying goes how you got her is how you will lose her and pikachu... that’s exactly what happened... she has always been the same woman, she didn’t just change all of a sudden, she played games with you and her ex from the start you knew this before you fell for her and you chose to continue while she had a boyfriend, you are going to have to acknowledge that...you knew the risks and the hurt you were causing someone else. You didn’t care and surprise surprise she did the same thing to you.

 

I’m so sorry this has happened but you have to start to face the reality of this relationship if you are to move on.

 

She was not your great love, she’s a chick you took from another guy... you can only improve from that, as long as you refuse to ever compromise your morals and boundaries and standards you can only do better than her. And that’s not to say she’s some monster, she’s not. She did what she did with you and neither one of you cared, now that she burned you, you care but as far as morals went you two were on the same plane... rise above. Do better. You deserve that.

 

Good luck.

[Wiseman2]

Anything is better than f'd up, no? Think about that. Allow yourself to grow and evolve with life. You can not make people, places, things and especially relationships stay at a standstill. Don't live in the past. Life is dynamic and you need to develop some adaptation skills.

-We were each others bestfriends and we did have a good connection, but it’s to f*cked up now.

 

-It’s just very hard to believe I will find the same connection with someone else

[Carus]

I know, it’s just hard to accept. We were each others bestfriends and we did have a good connection, but it’s to f*cked up now.....

....said just about everyone who's come into this forum....

 

Pik I'm not sure you read my posts but look up 'Love bombing - Devaluing - Discarding'.....This may set you on the right path to understanding what has happened here.

 

Carus*

 

Anything is better than f'd up, no? Think about that.

Haha....True that*

[Pikachu]

....said just about everyone who's come into this forum....

 

Pik I'm not sure you read my posts but look up 'Love bombing - Devaluing - Discarding'.....This may set you on the right path to understanding what has happened here.

 

Carus*

 

 

Haha....True that*

 

Do you have a link to that post? Thanks!

[Pikachu]

Do you have a link to that post? Thanks!

 

I found an article on the internet about those 3 phases and it fits so well. For a year and a half, she sent my cards, gifts, idolized me like I was the best person in the world. I have to admit that felt awesome. I remember telling my sister that she would do anything for me. Untill all of a sudden it stopped. She became distant, the idolizing and lovebombing stopped. She even said literally (out of the blue) that she didn’t know she wanted to be in a relationship. I became insecure, but the didn’t seem to care much. From that moment she wanted to go out alone a lot and her priority was on being with friends and going out and I felt going from number 1 on her proirity list to number 4/5. I lost a lot of self worth and self esteem due to this behaviour. Sometimes we got into fights because she crossed my boundaries, but I always ended up apoligizing for something she did. Like she didn’t care..

[Carus]

Well done Pik....The veil is being lifted....Your eyes are opening....The picture is becoming clear.....

 

Doesn't mean the recovery is any less painful but it does help to understand a bit of this stuff.....

 

Glad you're researching as I wasn't referring to any posts in here per se'.....

I lost a lot of self worth and self esteem due to this behaviour.

Yes and as you study a bit more down this path you will see that recovery can take a long time because it runs so deep....

 

So again I say, keep doing the right things and what the others have suggested....but be patient and kind to yourself*

 

Carus*

 

EDIT: Just another thought: There are quite a few channels out there spouting that "Your ex is a narcissist. They are evil. They are a monster...Hate them!!"....

 

Please don't go down that route Pik....Yes some people are purposefully evil but like in my case, my ex is a covert/altruistic narcissistic which makes it difficult for her to maintain a long term relationship, but she is by no means evil...She actually means very well in the world.....

 

Hate leads to the dark side....You can heal without it*

[Pikachu]

Well done Pik....The veil is being lifted....Your eyes are opening....The picture is becoming clear.....

 

Doesn't mean the recovery is any less painful but it does help to understand a bit of this stuff.....

 

Glad you're researching as I wasn't referring to any posts in here per se'.....

 

Yes and as you study a bit more down this path you will see that recovery can take a long time because it runs so deep....

 

So again I say, keep doing the right things and what the others have suggested....but be patient and kind to yourself*

 

Carus*

 

EDIT: Just another thought: There are quite a few channels out there spouting that "Your ex is a narcissist. They are evil. They are a monster...Hate them!!"....

 

Please don't go down that route Pik....Yes some people are purposefully evil but like in my case, my ex is a covert/altruistic narcissistic which makes it difficult for her to maintain a long term relationship, but she is by no means evil...She actually means very well in the world.....

 

Hate leads to the dark side....You can heal without it*

 

It indeed doesn’t take away the pain, but it helps knowing that this process of “Lovebombing - Devalueing - Discarding” will keep on repeating itself in her future relationships. I spent a lot of time blaming myself what I could have done differently, but I have to stop that. It doesn’t matter anymore anyways.

[Carus]

.....but it helps knowing that this process of “Lovebombing - Devalueing - Discarding” will keep on repeating itself in her future relationships.

Heh....Well that is you still wishing her ill will....but you're only early into your healing so I'll give you that one :)

 

Yeh man, we coulda done this and we coulda done that....but in the end, it woulda ended anyway....

 

So don't beat yourself up too much, but do learn the lessons you now have an opportunity to learn*

 

Please let us know if she orbits back around again so we can help to keep you strong....The chances are fairly high that she will*

 

Carus*

[figureitout23]

Oh gosh I disagree very much.

 

Not only does the google diagnose your ex method often leave people stuck in healing for weeks months and for some even years, pikachu knew full well she was a cheater when he got with her, she cheated with him!!! He thought nothing of it even made statements like ‘her boyfriend was there but she paid attention to me the whole night’ he got a kick out of the ego boost, how does villainizing her help him recognize his own role in all this? His willingness to hurt someone else and himself all to get the girl? I personally think his time is better spent taking the rose colored glasses off, this relationship was built on a foundation of cheating, his friends and family warned him, people on this board warned him and he kept going back. That’s the issue. Not her, she’s a cheater, she selfish and immature, she is who she is, she never hid that, he chose her as a partner anyway, that’s huge, that’s the issue in my eyes.

[Wiseman2]

The best way to steer clear of women like this is to build your self esteem through your own accomplishments, your integrity. Do this by taking classes or courses you like or things you would like to learn/accomplish, joining clubs and groups that interest you, volunteering etc. Focus on your profession and interests.

 

Get in shape, improve your diet and activity level, update your image, get some new clothes, haircut etc. Work on yourself and you won't need superficial flattery and attention. Your 'self worth' comes from you not others.

For a year and a half, she sent my cards, gifts, idolized me like I was the best person in the world. I have to admit that felt awesome. the idolizing and lovebombing stopped.

 

I lost a lot of self worth and self esteem due to this behaviour.

[Pikachu]

Oh gosh I disagree very much.

 

Not only does the google diagnose your ex method often leave people stuck in healing for weeks months and for some even years, pikachu knew full well she was a cheater when he got with her, she cheated with him!!! He thought nothing of it even made statements like ‘her boyfriend was there but she paid attention to me the whole night’ he got a kick out of the ego boost, how does villainizing her help him recognize his own role in all this? His willingness to hurt someone else and himself all to get the girl? I personally think his time is better spent taking the rose colored glasses off, this relationship was built on a foundation of cheating, his friends and family warned him, people on this board warned him and he kept going back. That’s the issue. Not her, she’s a cheater, she selfish and immature, she is who she is, she never hid that, he chose her as a partner anyway, that’s huge, that’s the issue in my eyes.

 

I made an immature decision 4 years ago to chase a girl who had a boyfriend. And yes it’s the reason I’m heartbroken now.

The fact I took her back almost instantly last march is indeed the real problem. I just was happy with my quick fix and I guess I was just waiting for a third chance with her. She was my first love, and I’m afraid to never find that connection with someone else. Many of my friends are getting married, moving in together. I want that too..

[Pikachu]

The thought of her moving in with someone else or having a new boyfriend makes me feel sick instantly :(

[boltnrun]

The thought of her moving in with someone else or having a new boyfriend makes me feel sick instantly :(

 

Have you blocked her from contacting you? Have you unfollowed her on Instagram? Have you deleted her contact info from your phone and computer? Are you refraining from asking friends what she's doing?

[figureitout23]

I made an immature decision 4 years ago to chase a girl who had a boyfriend. And yes it’s the reason I’m heartbroken now.

The fact I took her back almost instantly last march is indeed the real problem. I just was happy with my quick fix and I guess I was just waiting for a third chance with her. She was my first love, and I’m afraid to never find that connection with someone else. Many of my friends are getting married, moving in together. I want that too..

 

No.

 

Your immature decision 4 years ago is the real problem. You did not and most likely are still not looking out for your best interests. There were red flags waving everywhere with her, there was another person in this situation who you hurt and we’re probably in competition with( her ex ) and you dove in head first, convincing yourself she would never do the same to you, but lets be honest, you never truly believed that, you never trusted her, which led to your last break up, she made it out to be your fault, it wasn’t. Your relationship was over before it began.

 

The thought of her moving in with someone else or having a new boyfriend makes me feel sick instantly :(

 

Of course it does, think about it, your ultimate fear came true, you became her ex. I have no doubt that was in the back of your mind since 2015.

 

I realize you don’t feel it now, but this has so little to do with her. Something in you ignored all logic to go forward with her and whatever that is in you... you will do it again if she comes back. Somethings broken in you pikachu. I think it may be wise to see someone if it’s possible.