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Struggling with a break up based on friends comments


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I posted on here before that I recently ended an 8 month relationship with a man who was hot and cold, indecisive, and in the end, putting me down. After this relationship ended my friends and even random colleagues came up to me asking why I even dated him, how he was well below my "league." I loved him and obviously didn't think this at all.


After the breakup, I was struggling to understand the de-evolution of our relationship until I read articles on how people behave when they act out of insecurity and it describes his behavior perfectly. I also read about attachment styles and realized i'm definitely a dismissive avoidant. I was so unaware he was insecure and because of this, I definitely did not help him dismiss his insecurities about the relationship/his own views of himself, in fact I probably made things worse because I didn't understand my own insecure attachment style.


I blocked him on all social media except facebook (just unfriended) and deleted his number after me initiating the breakup. Its been 4 months no contact, and the talk with my friends about my own attachment style has made me feel really guilty for cutting him out of my life because I never gave him a chance for closure because he really hurt me.


I was wondering if I should open communication to apologize for my role or allow him to contact me if he so chooses? He has been hovering my social media so I am hoping he will reach out first. But I was wondering everyone's opinions on how to proceed, wait for him to reach out, or if you don't believe he will contact me to reach out to him, or leave it be? Sorry for the length... thanks for reading.

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Good for you for learning more about yourself.


Now is the unsavoury part: I think you're overdoing it with overanalyzing your attachment style and personality to the point where you are guilt-tripping yourself and finding ways to self-sabotage and get overly anxious. It's over the top and a bit dramatic. You should not contact him again or vice versa. It's over. Try coming out of the "he hurt me" victim role. The point is that you met him as your equal and it didn't work out. Start believing more in yourself and avoid over-reading online articles and nitpicking the past. You're drowning in nonsense. Move forwards, be more productive with your present and future and learn to take the good with the bad, laugh things off now and then and stay positive.

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I don't mean to come off as dramatic or drowning in nonsense. Our break up was precipitated by his friends being inappropriate with me, hitting on me in front of him, and when he seemed upset I took it as him being untrusting of me. A week later was when he was putting me down publicly in front of those same friends which made me cut him off without giving him a chance to speak. Obviously there were numerous other problems but since doing some reflection I have found on numerous occasions like this I could have acted better. I understand the relationship is toxic and not one I would like to repeat. But I'm wondering if more needs to be said in understanding and forgiveness.

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I think that's a personal question and a decision you should make for yourself. I don't think it's healthy however to go back and forth over the past's events. If this was an ongoing relationship and you had not broken up, yes, conversations would be appropriate. An alternate example might be if you both are obliged in some way to continue interacting either at a work place consistently or you share custody with kids. The relationship is four months over and you are still seeking ways to get back in contact with a person who wasn't healthy for you in the start. This seems very inappropriate and your reasons (I'm sorry) are not enough to initiate contact again. I think you would be self-sabotaging and going backwards. You also seem to have a lingering strong emotional connection to this person and initiating any contact with this person is a potentially volatile situation considering your history and not enough reason, in my opinion, to ever go back or discuss any issues.


Whatever problems you've unhashed and healed from in this situation is really about you. I'd take a moment and rethink the decision to want to share it with this other person. You might want to think about what outcome you're looking for (realistically). This means instead of working on an impulse, really think about what you want out of speaking to this person again. If you seek understanding and forgiveness it implies that you think he's the one who should be understanding and forgiving. If you want him to think of you as a more understanding and forgiving person, your initiating contact is purely self-serving and selfish. It would only serve your motives because you seek to appear a certain way to this person.

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We have numerous mutual friends and are in the same career field but not the same company so it is conceivable I run into him again. I feel i'm really being misunderstood. I am dating other people and when I blocked him I had absolutely no intention of reaching out ever. If I were to reach out it would be to apologize for how I responded without compassion for numerous things in our relationship that I understand now probably really hurt him. Is apologizing to someone for my actions based on new growth self serving? We have differing views on this. When I leave relationships it is for good, but this past month of friends bringing this up to me has made me grow and learn making this guilt only a recent bring back of feelings that I did not feel at all for the first 3 months of no contact.

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I've had an ex (actually three in total in my life, depending how far back we want to go) apologize to me after the fact. It was more about them than about me. I had no desire to hear from them again. This is really about you wanting to apologize and ask for forgiveness. Be prepared that the other person may not be interested at all or may find your approach inappropriate. That's all I'm saying. If you feel it's the right choice for you, why are you so unsure about it in the first place? You should feel confident it's right for you and just do what you have to do. Either way, I hope things work out and feel better soon.

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On the contrary this has been eye opening and changed my mind about apologizing... two people cause the break up not just the person who was forced to have to stab themselves in their own heart because they know it is too toxic to continue... if apologizing is seen as something self serving to some dumpees I can live with my own growth and move forward with my current dating prospects. Thanks for the help.

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I don't reccomend apologizing just to make yourself feel better. That's a crappy thing to do. I don't know about anyone else but when someone screws me over, them coming back and apologizing and acknowledging they screwed me over doesn't make me feel any better, it just makes them feel better about themselves. It's self serving and nasty.


If you treated someone horribly leave that person alone so they can heal. You can apologize years later, apologies dont have due dates. I would hold off until you know forsure that the person is feeling NO pain about the situation anymore. Then you can come in and apologize.


You're not apologizing because you're sorry it sounds like you're doing it to make yourself feel better and you're using it as an excuse to wedge your way back into his life to access the damage you've caused.

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I think all contact towards ex's is inappropriate from the perspective of someone whose been on the other end of this, it's highly inappropriate.


You shouldn't go no contact and jump back into talking about your relationship, that should be a conversation that is built up. That's a personal conversation and when you broke up with him, you lost the privilege to access his feelings about the situation. You should approach this as a stranger and recognize boundaries.


It may sound harsh but you need to respect his space. Which is why I wouldn't reccomend jumping into the break up conversation. IF YOU HAVE TO contact him, start with "how are you" if he decides not to respond, you have your answer. Don't jump into the apology. Don't pester him. Don't throw all this heavy conversation at him. Take it as it is and move on.


There's nothing worse than an ex that doesn't respect peoples space and uses social media to initiate unwanted contact.

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Your analysis and thinking about the relationship is probably a good thing. Relationships are complex and often there is a lot to unpack. I don't see what you have to apologize for at this time however. Your primary learnings were that he wasn't the kind of person who would get along with you and you were not the kind of person who would get along with him. Oil and water. Sure, you could apologize for perhaps some of your actions - but most of the actions you are feeling guilty for were natural reactions at the time with the awareness you had at the time. He didn't have the tools to communicate with you in a way that would let you react differently, and you didn't have the tools to see what was missing.


I think it's also possible you are giving him a bit too much credit in your analysis. Knowing that he treated you poorly because he was insecure doesn't mean he didn't treat you poorly. Further communication could reopen new wounds (on either side) as much as it could close old ones, especially if his view of history is different than yours. He may not be in a place to accept your apology. Since there is no further relationship (possibly running into him in the future because of some mutual friends doesn't really count for that) there seems to be no pressing need to attempt to reconcile your differences at this point. See if you can work on forgiving yourself and growing from the experience as he must be doing for his part. You don't need to seek his forgiveness. Maybe someday that will happen naturally, if it must.

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No, I don't think you should open communication to apologize. It's over so let it go. He needs to move on and you, too. Continuing to dredge up and rehash again would just open up old wounds which is unnecessary. It could also lead to disagreements and arguments. Let sleeping dogs lie. Leave it be.


Many relationships and friendships weren't meant to be. It had run its course and it's better to have a fresh start with very good, reliable people in your life from now on.


People will waft in and out of your life; some are keepers and others need to be rid of for your own sanity and survival. Look out for yourself and be good to yourself. Opening up dialogue will only complicate matters which you have no need for.

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Sorry this is happening. Friends are not therapists and may struggle to say the right things. Stop talking to them about him or the breakup as much. They may in fact make matters worse by infusing their own baggage in whatever advice/comfort they try to offer. You don't owe him anything. It wasn't working and you ended it. That in itself is closure.


Keep in mind sometimes the price for what is perceived as complaining is bad free advice. If you wish to explore your personality type or whatever other self exploration, go to a qualified therapist to sort some things out and get good advice. Stop trying to figure him out.

Its been 4 months no contact, and the talk with my friends about my own attachment style has made me feel really guilty for cutting him out of my life
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Another vote here for not contacting him at all. Idk how long you’ve been a forum member but we see posts here all the time saying “Ex came back and apologized. What does this mean?” Don’t do that to him. What’s done is done. Grow in silence and take your new self awareness with you into whatever lies ahead.

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Feeling guilty about my own role in being very avoidant. I don't think he is purely just a jerk anymore, just very insecure. Wondering if I can at least mend things or if it will do no good.


Just leave him alone and learn to swallow your mis-placed guilt. You two were not meant to spend the rest of your lives together so just move on and don't open up the door to yet another go at hot and cold.


There is absolutely no reason for you to feel guilty about getting rid of a guy that ran hot and cold with you. Anyone, no matter their "style" would be "hot and cold" with you if they were in love with you and considered you a good prospect to spend the rest of their ife with. Know that and let go of this need you have to open a can of worms with him again.


If you are guilty for anything you think you did then go to a priest and confess but don't drag him into your need to be resolved of wrongdoing. That's just self-serving no matter how you spin it.

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A week later was when he was putting me down publicly in front of those same friends which made me cut him off without giving him a chance to speak.


Anyone who puts you down publicly renders himself unworthy of speaking. While self analysis for the sake of developing in any direction YOU want to go is fine, attempting to rationalize lousy treatment is a horrible habit to develop.


You had the sense and the self regard to drop someone who mistreated you. Going back to rehash that is a fantasy move, and while it's not against the law, it's a far better idea to focus on what you would hope to accomplish by doing that--and WHY.


The pain of dis-illusion-ment never feels good, but you saw the guy's behavior for what it was--disrespectful. Whether that was based on bad childhood or some other insecurity that you didn't coddle, it doesn't matter. The reasons WHY someone would mistreat you is far less important than the fact that they would mistreat you. Work yourself into acceptance of that fact, and you'll move lightyears ahead of any need to play social worker to a guy who was not good relationship material for you, regardless of how much you could have catered to his problems.


Skip that, move forward, and you will thank yourself.


Head high.

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