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wonderful boyfriend, sexual problems, feeling anxious


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First I would like to thank you all for all the past help you've given me. My best friend and I have sorted out our problems along with her marriage issues and I have recovered with therapy and learned so much from when I posted about the last guy on here. You all are so awesome and give so much great advice.


I met, at the end of May a wonderful man. We took things slowly, the right way, and we waited to have sex. =) I set my boundaries (thank you all for really being clear on that with me ;)).It was one of the things he admired most about me: my self restraint. He happens to be a very sexual person too, so my making him be patient impressed him a lot. We totally hit it off in every way and finally had sex, and a day before the fourth of july we became official.


When I say he treats me well, it is an understatement. He treats me with dignity, respect ,and sweetness. He treats me like a princess and most everything in the relationship is wonderful. I feel he is my match. He is also verbally expressive and we communicate well.


Despite everything so great, we are having some major sexual issues.When we first had sex, for the first two weeks things were ok and we had sex very very often. We used condoms but he is large and uses Magnums, which apparently are very uncomfortable. He told me he prefers to be condomless in a monogamous relationship.The problem he has with them is he has trouble maintaining hardness due to lack of sensation. I told him I'd think about going on the birth control.


Fourth of july weekend he got injured pulling vines for a friend. Unfortunately he has 3 slipped discs in his back from years of construction work and football and bad arthritis and sciatica that flares up from time to time. Since that weekend, his body has been in pain and he has been doing his best deal with the pain. However in the meantime, he has been unhappy in missionary position which is frustrating me. I have been dealing with it but slowly his libido has been going down and now, at aug 1, we don't have sex much. When we do, it isn't in missionary which is my very favorite position. I miss it. If we do missionary or any position for that matter, he never comes and usually looks like he is totally in pain. He claims it isnt me and that he is stressed due to work and pain in his body. However, he has been hinting at the birth control a bit, telling me that would increase his sex drive. However, I will go into some detail now some occasions that are creating uncertainty in me.


One is he likes to either have sex or be given oral during the night. He says he is half asleep when these instances happen. I don't mind this but I am feeling resentful lately due to only blow jobs during the night. Therefore resentment is budding from the lack of satisfying sex coupled with being woken up in the middle of the night to give him head. Sunday night was bad. We had sex for like two minutes and then we stopped, and when we talked about just having him condomless for a minute his libido went up. As we got into it I said no last second and then he just got off of me and went back to stuff he was doing on his phone. It made me want to cry; I feel I am not worth having sex with if we use condoms. I told him my thoughts and he again said it isn't me and that his libido is just low due to stress and pain in his arm. He was really sweet about it but I still felt upset.


Monday night was the worst. We got in late from a concert and he explained he wasn't feeling sexual. In the middle of the night he wanted a BJ which I gave but I added after I wished he had sex with me instead. He nicely asked me if that discussion could wait in the morning.


We are in a newly born relationship and these sexual issues so early on are stirring unrest in me and I am struggling to come to terms with this.He is an amazing boyfriend and gives me so much and I truly feel like an ass for feeling resentful over the lack of sex. When we don't have sex he wants to pleasure me in other ways but I don't want them; I want just basic missionary sex for a change. I am trying to put aside my neediness but it is causing anxiety in me. He says he has low libido and then wants a BJ, and sex is just so so when we even do have it because he is in pain...I just don't know what to do. He doesn't know that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship once where I did go on birth control and the guy withheld affection and sex from me, all through the emotional upset of side affects from the pill. I am afraid the same thing with happen here and he will still not want sex much and I will be stuck on this horrible pill. I would feel more confident about going on it if I knew he would want me.


I know I have to deal with these feelings and take into consideration his feelings of pain and stress but I still feel resentful. Do you guys have any tips on how I can come to terms with some of this? I'm pretty sure this is my problem here and I need advice on how to come to terms with this because I see it as potential poison.

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Since that weekend, his body has been in pain and he has been doing his best deal with the pain.


back off. You have only dated 2-3 months. This guy is in pain. He knows you want sex. Let him come to you when he is not dead tired and his back feels okay. You say "he's uncomfortable in the missionary position". There are others - but do you refuse to try them? You need to back off. If he goes to a concert with a friend, don't wait at his place to have sex. Its a late night, let him sleep and don't see him, and wait until he is rested and is ready for a date.

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I truly feel like an ass for feeling resentful over the lack of sex. When we don't have sex he wants to pleasure me in other ways but I don't want them; I want just basic missionary sex for a change.


He can't do the missionary position right now because of his back. This guy is trying and you are not being very flexible. So you can pout, you can find a guy with no back problems, but you are not a very giving partner if it has to be your way or the highway.

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I view sex as not the most important part in a relationship. That’s coming from me who doesn’t have a high libido. So just take that as you will. However sex should be something you bond and enjoy with your partner. The thing that disturbs me is him demanding he gets his blowjob in the middle of the night while pushing you off if you want him to wear a condom!


He sounds selfish in bed and to me that can translate to other areas eventually too.


Plus he’s not willing to communicate with you about it!


I get he fulfills your needs like you said in other ways but if you’re being honest op and are able to take the rose tinted glasses off. Is this how it really should be?


If your gut is telling you this could be poisonous, listen to it!


If sex plays a big part in you feeling satisfied there’s no shame in that. This guy isn’t a bad guy. Just maybe not the right guy for you.

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If sex plays a big part in you feeling satisfied there’s no shame in that. This guy isn’t a bad guy. Just maybe not the right guy for you.


True! But the fact that he has a back injury that makes missionary difficult at this time or painful and she does not want anything but missionary, she either is not sexually compatible or is being very insensitive. Reading further, it appears that he does try to satisfy her in other ways -- i would imagine a slipped disc or what not WOULD make missionary unpleasant

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Thanks for the responses guys. =) We have been doing other positions and I have been quiet about the missionary. My pouting is done on here but I don't do much with him. I do give a lot in the relationship and give him massages, cook and clean for him and do what I can. But I agree with you; I do need to back off. thanks for the responses. =)

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Wanted to add thst when I say I don't want the other forms of pleasure, that is an internal thought; I let him. I haven't vocalized it to him because I know he is trying and I know he is in pain. I am actally pretty silent about it all, which makes me think I am starting to get restless but, like I said, I don't want to be a poor sport. It is just that I don't see how the no condoms would magically make missionary better, which is what he is saying. The problem is arising from pain, not from lack of pleasure through the condom use. Do i just go on the BC and hope for the best?

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Hey there, cara. Glad to hear you've gotten over some of those past hurdles. Your tone here is much different than past posts—less edgy, less wobbly, more stable, more you. Nice to see, so bravo on all that. Wherever this goes, that's the path you're on—good stuff. Take a quick moment to appreciate that.


Now, to the issue at hand.


Well, I'm of mixed minds. The guy is in pain, injured himself, so to gauge your sexual health and compatibility in this state is maybe not the best move. Since these are injuries he lives with, I'm assuming he knows how to treat them? What's he doing to get better, manage them? Assuming he's being proactive—and not, say, subtly hinting that unprotected sex is the key to treating back pain—I'd say take a deep breath, give it a few more weeks, and then assess your sexual health and compatibility when you're both healthy.


On the other hand? Well, I find the condom stuff a little troubling. I mean, let's just be honest: there isn't a person on the planet who loves condoms. Not sure there's a person who even much likes them, or thinks sex is more enjoyable, physically, with a condom. But also, we live on Planet Earth, not Planet Fantasy, and aside from very real things condoms are good for (preventing this, preventing that) it's important to be with someone who listens and does not pressure in that regard.


In short, go on BC and stop using condoms because that's what you want, not what he wants. There are plenty of things he can also do to improve things, from blue and orange pills to using the wonderful organ in the middle of his face (his mouth) to communicate, with more nuance than bemoaning condoms, things he enjoys and needs for the organ between his legs to be comfy wearing a raincoat.


Also important to remember: these are still very much the early days, when we assess compatibility. Relationships require three main connection points to take off and function: intellectual, emotional, and physical. No need to force that stuff, or "work" on it, early on, at least not too much. It's more about being patient during this exploratory time, while also being honest with yourself.


No shame, in other words, if sexually you just need something that this guy can't give, and vice versa. Doesn't make you a monster or him a monster, just means you guys don't quite click. Always important to be accepting of that, so you can explore the click honestly.

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The problem is arising from pain, not from lack of pleasure through the condom use. Do i just go on the BC and hope for the best?


DO NOT BE A TEASE. Do not tell a man "let's have sex without a condom" and the say "faked you out!"

NEVER go without a condom. And do NOT ever suggest unprotected sex with a man you have dated for 2-3 months and should not have had much sex with anyhow yet


if you are having sex, you should take responsibility into your own hands and use some form of extra BC in case the condom breaks, but at this point i would NOT go without a condom, BC or not. The idea may have mentally excited him, but with or without a condom it will still hurt. COme on, you know this guy is in pain. If you go without a condom, you could get pregnant or he will STILL have problems with his back. Until he is healed, no missionary. you can pout all you want.


you ARE pouting in front of him if you play games.


Stop playing games - do you want to be with him knowing he has a back injury and can't do Missionary or do you want to be with a guy who can? Your choice. Either you really like this guy and understand he has a back injury or you decide that the back injury is some swipe against you and leave.

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So Im going to come in and be the realist that I always am. Quite frankly, I find it a little insulting to my intellegence that your last post was in June... 2 months ago, since then you say all your problems are solved and youre in a new relationship where you took things slow and set boundaries and did things right....




Not only would therapy not even begin to crack the surface of your past trauma but you are STILL torturing yourself pushing your own sexual boundaries...


You are still self soothing through relations with men and not healing. How on Gods green earth would you have been able to gauge this mans boyfriend capabilities when you met him in May and became exclusive less than 30 days ago. For the love of God slow the hell DOWN! Your inner self is just taking a pummeling...


This particular issue is one, that can be solved, I think, through communication, but youre not communicating because that level of trust and bonding hasnt been made, you just took your clothes off and call it love...


This guy could also be selfish, I dont know, the nightly BJs and refusing condom sex...girl...this is painful to read...I honestly want to scoop your innerself up wrap her in a blanket and give her some chicken noodle soup, she is not being healed, she is being ignored and further traumatized, BE SINGLE AND HEAL!!!!

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A lot to unpack here.


First, I would not be forgoing condoms this early in a relationship. You don't know much about his past yet, I assume. If you decide to stop using them, both of you need to get tested for STIs/HIV first. If he is respectful and serious about not using condoms, he won't balk at this.


Second, there are positions other than missionary. He has a very legitimate reason for not being to perform this way right now, and you would be wise explore other options in bed that are pleasurable to both of you. If sex with him is important to you, you will be more understanding in this regard and not lose patience when his physical health is actually at risk performing the way you want.


Third, blowjobs or sex in the middle of the night, every night? No thanks. I love getting frisky during the night as much as anyone, but I also know that my sleep can't be interrupted every night either. I would find that tedious and come to view it as a chore. You have the right to say no to that, OP, if you don't want to be woken every night to perform.


In short, there are a lot of issues for such a short relationship. Slow down a bit here, and get to know the man. You need to communicate with him clearly and see where compromise can be reached. Don't feel pressured to do things you don't want to do.

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He sounds a bit sexually sadistic, unless you have some sort of BDSM things going. Rethink this guy who "treats you like a princess" and wakes you up to give him oral and is manipulating things to go bareback. Frankly he sounds like s selfish creep who has you under his thumb.

-He told me he prefers to be condomless

-we don't have sex much.

-he likes to either have sex or be given oral during the night.

-being woken up in the middle of the night to give him head.

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