Life in the Driver’s Seat (extended)

[Seraphim]

Time for sleep we have to take my son for a card completion tomorrow in Toronto and it is a bit away. He has to be there for 8. 

[Seraphim]

I never knew anxiety had “ noise or sound” With this new medication my anxiety appears to have totally disappeared. I noticed it Friday that everything was deadly quiet internally in my head no constant anxious monologue. I wasn’t constantly thinking of problems that would happen .
 

[itsallgrand]

4 hours ago, Seraphim said:

I never knew anxiety had “ noise or sound” With this new medication my anxiety appears to have totally disappeared. I noticed it Friday that everything was deadly quiet internally in my head no constant anxious monologue. I wasn’t constantly thinking of problems that would happen .
 

Wow that's very interesting. Great news on how the medication is working! 

I appreciate so much you, and others here, who understand what it is to live most of your life with anxiety. It's helped me so much especially in moving past feeling ashamed about it. And when a bad wave comes on, I know I can always be heard by someone who really truly deeply gets it. 

Honestly I'm at a place where my anxiety is manageable and a million times better than it ever used to be. But it's still rare to not have something there, some low level chattering and buzzing. I would love to experience a prolonged period of just quiet, nothing floating in the background, and have that be normal. 

 

[Seraphim]

6 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

Wow that's very interesting. Great news on how the medication is working! 

I appreciate so much you, and others here, who understand what it is to live most of your life with anxiety. It's helped me so much especially in moving past feeling ashamed about it. And when a bad wave comes on, I know I can always be heard by someone who really truly deeply gets it. 

Honestly I'm at a place where my anxiety is manageable and a million times better than it ever used to be. But it's still rare to not have something there, some low level chattering and buzzing. I would love to experience a prolonged period of just quiet, nothing floating in the background, and have that be normal. 

 

It is absolutely AMAZING to have my mind be quiet. I mean silent other than conscious thinking and none of it is anxious. It was very disarming Friday. I was trying to remember when my mind was silent and I realized I don’t actually remember, but I do know it got exceedingly worse after my nervous breakdown and it never really got better . 
 

For the first few days I had that anxious pit in my stomach an hour before my next dose at night . That is rebound anxiety from getting off of clonazepam. Tonight I don’t have that and I am due my next dose of mirtazapine now. But clonazepam has a half life of 50 hours I believe . It can take up to about seven days to completely leave your system. So about 4 or 5 days for me now. But the mirtazapine is masking the symptoms of withdrawal, thank goodness ! It can be very nasty. The rebound anxiety is horrendous and you feel like you have the flu.
 

You are very welcome to any experience I can pass on. 
 

Yesterday I went into a public bathroom and shut and locked the door!!! I had no pit of anxiety in my stomach and no spots in front of my eyes! I wasn’t anxious at all. Major victory. I haven’t done that in 12 years. 

[Seraphim]

Also the rigid very painful tension is gone in my shoulders and neck and jaw. All gone . I can turn my head properly I have no muscle tension at all. Really amazing. 

[Seraphim]

Today my dad would have been 78. 

[Seraphim]

42C and no power and internet. Entire base is out . 

[Seraphim]

So we have a ridiculous heatwave in Sept. 42C in September. It wasn’t this hot all dang summer . It peed down rain for most of it. 
 

Tomorrow back to work. 

[Seraphim]

I have been wondering if EMDR injured my empathy or just made it more measured and balanced . 

[Seraphim]

I brought my mom to the house up North. She liked it . She is suffering from really really bad stress, she gets covered in hives if she even leaves her apartment for the mail which is still inside her building. I MADE her get a doctor’s appointment. I drove from 10:30 yesterday morning to 9:30 last night . 

[Seraphim]

My new medication is working really well. My mind couldn’t get anxious if I tried . I have no more withdrawal from my other med. I had a tiny bit of anxiety setting out on that weekend trip for maybe 5 mins and then nothing , zilch. 

[boltnrun]

Just now, Seraphim said:

My new medication is working really well. My mind couldn’t get anxious if I tried . I have no more withdrawal from my other med. I had a tiny bit of anxiety setting out on that weekend trip for maybe 5 mins and then nothing , zilch. 

I'm glad the new med is working.

[Seraphim]

Just now, boltnrun said:

I'm glad the new med is working.

I am super glad about this. My life isn’t as hard and it isn’t as hard for the people around me either . 

[Seraphim]

My mom is of the opinion the only way to be healthy is to go to the gym. Um, no. She seems to think I must join the gym or play tennis or racquetball, or some other bloody team sport or I won’t be healthy. I have told her before I love to walk in nature I love to hike and I love to walk. She said oh well hiking once a year won’t make you healthy. 🙄🙄 I am afraid I walk and hike all the time . It is relaxing and it is in nature with air and beautiful scenery not someone’s sweaty arse near you. And I hate sports. I hate to watch sports never mind play them. God , some days she needs to shut up. 

[Seraphim]

She is also promoting something she never did in her life… go to the gym. She was always incredibly uncoordinated and very poor muscle tone and poor endurance. She never did any exercise after Highschool. She never really gained any weight though until after 70 when her knee and hip really stopped her from moving a lot . But honestly she knows nothing about how fitness works nor how fit I am. I am way more fit than she ever dreamed of being. 

[Seraphim]

It is the return of the toxic tw**t. 🙄🙄😒😒 She better mind her business. 

[Seraphim]

3 hours ago, Seraphim said:

It is the return of the toxic tw**t. 🙄🙄😒😒 She better mind her business. 

The toxic boss my husband had posted to another unit , but still here …. Wellllll, his new boss told him today that “ occasionally she will be around to help” help my arse. That is what I mean by toxic twunt . 
 

He said he is going in tomorrow and telling them he did talk to a harrasment advisor who told him to let it go because she was being posted but he now wants to pursue it because he should feel safe in HIS work space in a unit HE is posted to. 

[Seraphim]

I am so so so impressed with my lack of neck pain and shoulder and jaw pain. It is probably due to not holding my body so rigidly from anxiety or some benefit of the medication. All I can say is THANK GOD for less pain. I don’t have that sinking dread in my stomach and endless nattering of doom in my head. I focus for much longer periods of time . 

[Seraphim]

We are going to have to strong boundaries with my mom . She is used to being the headcheese and the boss of everything . When we went up to the house she was already making her plans to fit her stuff into the biggest bedroom. I said um no, that is our room. When my husband’s cousin asked if our table would fit in the kitchen my mom pipes up, “ mine is better . “ I felt like saying just because it is “ better” doesn’t mean that’s what we are doing so you can complain and b$thx about what my family is doing to your table when it is there. I am not being stuck in the middle of a complain fest between you and my husband every day. 
 

So the rules and boundaries need to be set before we move . 

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

So the rules and boundaries need to be set before we move

Do you believe she will respect and adhere to the boundaries?

The worst thing IMO is your own home not being a peaceful haven. I hope for your sake she will respect your wishes. 

[Seraphim]

13 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Do you believe she will respect and adhere to the boundaries?

The worst thing IMO is your own home not being a peaceful haven. I hope for your sake she will respect your wishes. 

It will be a rough struggle for sure. She will be paying us money and that does afford her some control but she isn’t the queen bee in this scenario. She is used to being queen bee and the fact that I am her daughter and therefore owe her deference and respect as a way to control situations. My husband as it stands now with him gaining more confidence won’t tolerate this behaviour. He has already said you better impart to her that she’s not queen crap. This is OUR house and I am having her come because she is running out of money and would be in the park otherwise in a few years. So she isn’t running the show. We got this house due to my extended family, not her. We won’t be treated like kids or it becomes “ ours” once she is gone. It is ours now . And she has to get that in her head. 

[boltnrun]

Will she have her own area? Such as a bedroom with an en suite bathroom, maybe a little kitchenette? 

[Seraphim]

Just now, boltnrun said:

Will she have her own area? Such as a bedroom with an en suite bathroom, maybe a little kitchenette? 

No, the entire basement would have to be remodelled for that and that would put us into moving into it 2 years out. She might even be passed by then. It is an old house built in the 60’s so no ensuite. A kitchen is more or less useless to her at this point because all she uses is the coffee maker and the microwave because she can’t stand long enough to cook anything and doesn’t have the strength in her back to lift anything. She buys heart to home meals right now. 

[boltnrun]

I don't require an en suite bathroom. As long as it's not super far from where I sleep I'm good. 

My brother had a setup in his bedroom in his former house that had a cabinet with a microwave set on top and a small sink and a mini fridge where he could keep beverages and snacks. And when I lived in that house with him I had an electric kettle so I could make tea in my bedroom. Maybe something like that could work for her. Much less work than an entire reno. 

[Seraphim]

Another thing is she wants me to give up my cats. She is severely allergic as it makes her lips and eyes swell and she can’t breathe. I adore my cats. So do my husband and son. They are 11 year old same litter brothers and we have had them all their lives. She says in front of my husband’s relatives ,” yeah she loves her cats more than her mother .” 
 

🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

I don’t believe in tossing animals away, but she does if they cause inconvenience. I can’t do that to them. They can be in the basement and people can go down and be with them on and off during the day.