What just happened?

[Billie28]

“ I only expect texts when I’m not going to hear from her for awhile. I don’t feel insecure at all rather it’s a safety concern for me. ”

 

You shouldn’t be expecting texts like that!

Fine if she was going out with friends at night and you request a text to say she got home safely.

 

But it is not a “safety concern” to expect a text from her to tell you she is going to do some house chores and have a nap so won’t text for 3 hours?!?

 

You are both enabling this unhealthy texting “communication”

 

To feel secure within a relationship is a great thing , but you two aren’t even allowing yourselves to feel that way naturally.

Eventually you will part ways if you don’t stop fuelling each other’s insecurities.

 

Stop with the texting already and instead engage in normal healthy communication.

Had you plans to see each other that evening?

If yes, then the good morning text should have simply said “see you later, looking forward to hearing about your day”

And that’s it, end of texting until you see each other!

[Tyresee]

Even if you're being honest (to yourself) about why you want her to check in so often, being so anxious that something might happen is not normal. Are you usually this anxious in other departments too?

 

I legitimately don’t feel anxious about it. Just like mine and her parents, they message each other when they reach work, are on the way home etc.. it’s just a thing that we do.

 

Like I said earlier, if she doesn’t message me about if she’s gone out the house or w/e, I don’t freak out but if it’s consistent, then I tell her that she should be more mindful of it

[Cope]

Now it makes sense. I was just going to write that you might find it normal because people around you do the same. I personally don't, but if it doesn't bring you anxiety fine. Don't be surprised if other people, like your gf, might find it suffocating or such.

 

Not trying to be mean here, just a friendly head's up!

[Tyresee]

Now it makes sense. I was just going to write that you might find it normal because people around you do the same. I personally don't, but if it doesn't bring you anxiety fine. Don't be surprised if other people, like your gf, might find it suffocating or such.

 

Not trying to be mean here, just a friendly head's up!

 

Gotcha, thank you for understanding and no worries at all! Be as cutthroat as possible.. I need it.

 

We’re very open with that kind of stuff, I told her what I find suffocating but she’s never told me once before that I am. She’s told me other things she’s not happy about but never once was it about not being able to breathe.

 

I think what I’m gonna take away from this thread is:

 

- Be more direct and simple with responses.. especially when I feel an argument coming

- Slowly limit how much I text her/ what I text about like little things that are unnecessary

- ... hmm anything else?

 

What else would be an effective strategy in smoothing things out when I see an argument arising? I just want to minimize the possibilities of these kind of problems.. it’s so very frustrating to deal with.

[Tyresee]

“ I only expect texts when I’m not going to hear from her for awhile. I don’t feel insecure at all rather it’s a safety concern for me. ”

 

You shouldn’t be expecting texts like that!

Fine if she was going out with friends at night and you request a text to say she got home safely.

 

But it is not a “safety concern” to expect a text from her to tell you she is going to do some house chores and have a nap so won’t text for 3 hours?!?

 

You are both enabling this unhealthy texting “communication”

 

To feel secure within a relationship is a great thing , but you two aren’t even allowing yourselves to feel that way naturally.

Eventually you will part ways if you don’t stop fuelling each other’s insecurities.

 

Stop with the texting already and instead engage in normal healthy communication.

Had you plans to see each other that evening?

If yes, then the good morning text should have simply said “see you later, looking forward to hearing about your day”

And that’s it, end of texting until you see each other!

 

Not that it matters so much but right now we’re long distance-ish. She lives at her parents (1.5 hours drive)m away from me) and she’ll be back maybe next month or July. Regardless of where she is, out texting habits are relatively the same. It’s a lot shorter obviously b/c we see each other more but if we don’t for w/e reason, we’ll keep each other updated.

 

I disagree that I shouldn’t be expecting my safety concern texts but I do agree about the enabling unhealthy texting communication to an extent. Texting each other every little thing is not a good thing for the future b/c the second the behaviour changes, it’s a problem... but like I was telling Cope, safety concern texts is just a normal part of what is done by the people around me so it just feels normal to do that

[Cope]

Your first post is about an argument that happened because she for upset over the less texting, then you were questioning her, she then said that if the opposite would've happened, you'd be upset for the less texting too.

 

Maybe talk about both your texting habits? directly?

[Cope]

I understand that checking for safety is normal for you, but if a guy did that to me, that would NOT be the first thing that came to mind and even if it was, I'd be bothered.

 

But again, if it works for both of you, cool.

[Tyresee]

Your first post is about an argument that happened because she for upset over the less texting, then you were questioning her, she then said that if the opposite would've happened, you'd be upset for the less texting too.

 

Maybe talk about both your texting habits? directly?

 

The thing is tho, I really wouldn’t. I noticed she started saying stuff like that one day (couple weeks ago) I was being cute with her saying I didn’t hear much from her last night after work (she works 4 pm - 12 am and I work 6:30 am - 2:30 pm) so I read all her messages when I wake up. I Legit didn’t feel annoyed or anything, it’s just habitually, she messages me stuff to read when I wake up. We didn’t have an argument or anything but since then apparently Id get upset...

 

I have a feeling I’m gonna be here quite a bit so I want you to get to know me lol. I’m a black guy (if my name didn’t give it away) and i hear black jokes all the time. I don’t get offended by them at all.. I actually tend to join in on the joke. I’m very care-free and you gotta do something really bad to make me upset. If I knew about this site/app last summer, you’d know what it takes but just know that texting me less times than normal is like a -8 / 10 on how to get me upset.

[Tyresee]

Your first post is about an argument that happened because she for upset over the less texting, then you were questioning her, she then said that if the opposite would've happened, you'd be upset for the less texting too.

 

Maybe talk about both your texting habits? directly?

 

I definitely will be talking to her about texting habits.. or what do you think about gradually decreasing how often I text her. I’d do it in a way where she won’t even notice what I’m doing

[Tyresee]

I understand that checking for safety is normal for you, but if a guy did that to me, that would NOT be the first thing that came to mind and even if it was, I'd be bothered.

 

But again, if it works for both of you, cool.

 

That’s fair. I find that we’re not like most couples in that aspect but yeah I agree, whatever works, works.

[SherrySher]

First of all, memes are not texting...they are lazy forms of communicating and no one appreciates that. Communicating is sending messages that are meaningful.

 

"Hi so and so, I was thinking of you. How are you, I've been doing this so far in my day...etc..etc. Also try to express emotions at some point. I've been missing you.

 

Secondly, don't tell a woman to relax....ever. Unless you want to make her very angry. It's incredibly rude and it won't get you anywhere.

In fact, never in the history of telling someone to relax, has it ever worked. It does the opposite.

 

All she wanted was to know that you were thinking of her, for you to share your day and to sound caring.

 

She got angry how you responded. You totally ignored her feelings when she even said she felt you had hardly contacted her.

No need to argue that point...just say something like, so sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel like I didn't care.

 

People have bad days. People can be over sensitive, even moody. And that's okay. We are flawed human beings.

You could have been more gentle with her and showed more caring at the start before it got to where it got to.

 

At least that's my take on all of it.

[Cope]

Well she did notice already. I'd take the direct route, or I'd like to think I would. Honesty and openness is always great, it does matter how you tell her though.

 

If a guy slowly started texting me less and less I'd take it as something's up. But again, whatever works. Maybe other will come to given you more opinions! I gotta run! Welcome to the forum!

[Andrina]

One of the rules you two should establish is to not argue over text. Hashing out issues should be done in person or a phone call. As you two mature into older adults with careers, and if one or both of you are in college and studying, you need to realize that constant interruptions of numerous texts throughout the day makes a person lose focus at work or while studying. I heard it takes a good 12 minutes for a person to really refocus on the task they were working on after an interruption.

 

My husband and I average each 2 texts per day while we're apart at work. It's usually just a sweet text like: Miss you. Hope you're having a good day, etc. Occasionally it's: I'm going to the store. You need anything? Perhaps you two should start dwindling from the childish sort of texting as you age, and maybe you'll stop arguing so much.

 

Like other posters have said, worrying every single day about her safety is an issue you need to address. People who live together should be accountable to each other and tell the other of a change in schedule/plans because it's the polite thing to do. When you two live an hour and a half apart, there is no need to keep track of each other's every move. If you keep that up, she'll start thinking of you as a father figure or her warden instead of a romantic partner.

[SherrySher]

That's a good point too...quality over quantity.

 

Express feelings, show her you miss her, let her know you are genuinely thinking about her.

 

More of those kinds of texts...less lazy memes.

[Tyresee]

First of all, memes are not texting...they are lazy forms of communicating and no one appreciates that. Communicating is sending messages that are meaningful.

 

"Hi so and so, I was thinking of you. How are you, I've been doing this so far in my day...etc..etc. Also try to express emotions at some point. I've been missing you.

 

Secondly, don't tell a woman to relax....ever. Unless you want to make her very angry. It's incredibly rude and it won't get you anywhere.

In fact, never in the history of telling someone to relax, has it ever worked. It does the opposite.

 

All she wanted was to know that you were thinking of her, for you to share you day and to sound caring.

 

She got angry how you responded. You totally ignored her feelings when she even said she felt you had hardly contacted her.

No need to argue that point...just say something like, so sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel like I didn't care.

 

People have bad days. People can be over sensitive, even moody. And that's okay. We are flawed human beings.

You could have been more gentle with her and showed more caring at the start before it got to where it got to.

 

At least that's my take on all of it.

 

We send memes all the time, that’s our thing. “I was thinking about you” is something we’d say if we’d be dating less than a month but it’s been 2.5 years now.

 

Yeah I agree about the relax part but I was only trying to prove a point. If she was relaxed in the first place, then me telling her to relax shouldn’t be a problem but again I agree with you.

 

She did not get angry with what I responded. She was angry the second she started texting me. When she asks certain questions, I have a good idea of what kind of mood she’s in. I understand how you could derive that she was angry due to what I said but believe me, when she says certain things in a certain way, I know it’s not gonna be a good turn out.

 

How am I ignoring her feelings? I explained to her I was busy.. and she knows I’m busy.

 

Yeah people have bad days I agree but I literally answered her question with a valid reason and apologized to her... what more does she want? My apology didn’t mean anything to her and my project is nothing but an excuse to her.. like do you understand what kind of position I’m in?

[Tyresee]

Well she did notice already. I'd take the direct route, or I'd like to think I would. Honesty and openness is always great, it does matter how you tell her though.

 

If a guy slowly started texting me less and less I'd take it as something's up. But again, whatever works. Maybe other will come to given you more opinions! I gotta run! Welcome to the forum!

 

Thank you so much Cope! I noticed you’re quite active here and I appreciate all of your help!

[Tyresee]

That's a good point too...quality over quantity.

 

Express feelings, show her you miss her, let her know you are genuinely thinking about her.

 

More of those kinds of texts...less lazy memes.

 

We do both it’s just that today specifically I sent her memes to look at.

[SherrySher]

Then send sweet and loving messages along with memes.

 

Was it that difficult to say, "sorry sweetheart, I didn't mean to make you feel like I didn't care. I've been busy but thinking about you the whole time."

 

"Are you okay? I love you."

 

I bet you'd get a far better reaction than how you went about it.

[Tyresee]

One of the rules you two should establish is to not argue over text. Hashing out issues should be done in person or a phone call. As you two mature into older adults with careers, and if one or both of you are in college and studying, you need to realize that constant interruptions of numerous texts throughout the day makes a person lose focus at work or while studying. I heard it takes a good 12 minutes for a person to really refocus on the task they were working on after an interruption.

 

My husband and I average each 2 texts per day while we're apart at work. It's usually just a sweet text like: Miss you. Hope you're having a good day, etc. Occasionally it's: I'm going to the store. You need anything? Perhaps you two should start dwindling from the childish sort of texting as you age, and maybe you'll stop arguing so much.

 

Like other posters have said, worrying every single day about her safety is an issue you need to address. People who live together should be accountable to each other and tell the other of a change in schedule/plans because it's the polite thing to do. When you two live an hour and a half apart, there is no need to keep track of each other's every move. If you keep that up, she'll start thinking of you as a father figure or her warden instead of a romantic partner.

 

That’s an interesting statistic about it taking 12 minutes to refocus after interruption.

 

Yeah I’ve decided that I’m going to do that and take Copes approach of being direct.

 

Again, I’m not worrying every single day about this thing.. I just like a text to know if she’s gonna be busy for awhile. I’m not insecure lol this is just a normal part of life for us.

 

Alright tho, that’s a good point about her thinking I’m a father figure.. especially when she kind of has some father-related issues already. Not that bad but they tend to argue more than most people I know.

 

Thank you for that interesting perspective!

[SherrySher]

It's absolutely true and I can tell you as a woman, that you can either make a woman feel loved and save yourself a lot of upset in the first few mins or you can make mistakes and have hours of fighting.

 

It doesn't take that long to put in the effort and if you go about it right, she'll be happy and feeling loved within 10 mins of the initial fight. But it truly is how you go about it.

 

Validate her feelings. Apologize. (it's not about being right, it's about being sorry you made her feel bad even if you didn't mean to). Let her you know love her and miss her.

 

That's all she's needing.

 

I don't know about Copes approach about being direct, I didn't read it. However I did see the first few messages and she's not correct that texting etc is not normal.

It's normal for many couples, especially if you're long distance...how else can you stay close if you can't be together?

 

It's not about being over the top, it's about love and staying connected. I know heaps of couples who do the same. A text takes less than 2 mins of your time, so I don't think it's asking a lot.

 

Father figure? again, not sure on that, however, I do think it's good that you make sure she's okay. That's part of a partners job to look out for their loved one.

Nothing wrong with it at all.

Just don't over do it.

 

There's a fine line between making sure she's okay and being a prison warden.

[Billie28]

That’s an interesting statistic about it taking 12 minutes to refocus after interruption.

 

Yeah I’ve decided that I’m going to do that and take Copes approach of being direct.

 

Again, I’m not worrying every single day about this thing.. I just like a text to know if she’s gonna be busy for awhile. I’m not insecure lol this is just a normal part of life for us.

 

Alright tho, that’s a good point about her thinking I’m a father figure.. especially when she kind of has some father-related issues already. Not that bad but they tend to argue more than most people I know.

 

Thank you for that interesting perspective!

 

It’s not a normal part of life , it has become a way of life because of conditioning and seriously something you need to address with her because it’s not sustainable. And it’s already causing issues.

It is allowing for one or other to think there is something wrong with the other, causing bickering, finger pointing etc

This will be the demise of your relationship if you don’t sort it out.

[poorlittlefish]

Not that it matters so much but right now we’re long distance-ish. She lives at her parents (1.5 hours drive)m away from me) and she’ll be back maybe next month or July.

 

My partner and I live an hour away from each other, we work full-time and we still manage to see each other 2-3 times a week - I go to his, he comes to mine or we meet somewhere in the middle. I don't understand why you two aren't making more of an effort to see each other rather than wasting time on so much texting. If you were spending more time in person the texting would lose focus.

[Billie28]

Thank you so much Cope! I noticed you’re quite active here and I appreciate all of your help!

 

Not undermining copes suggestions at all, in fact quite useful suggestions.

But this does sound like when you initiate interaction , you respond better to one that responds frequently and immediately? And your gf sort of does that!?

[Wiseman2]

You missed the boat right here. Lack of meaningful communication. Do not send memes, nonsense and meaningless texts. Instead...communicate. Better yet meet up in person and go on a date. This text-bickering is silly. If you are not that into her, end it. But don't jerk anyone around with "define much" and sending junk texts.

Her: How come you haven’t messaged much today?

Me: Define much

Her: Like usually you message more..

Her: I just haven’t heard from you much aside from the wiz thing or the song suggestion

[thornz]

You wanted blunt, here it is

 

.... So what did I do so wrong? With the first message she sent this morning, i knew bad news was coming..

What I do to deserve this?

 

What did your gf do to deserve this?

 

What you did wrong was in bold, assuming it would lead to an argument, well it did because you made it into one, the reality was this . . .

 

Her: Even if I’m genuinely talking or addressing a question, it’s considered as “if you’re going to act like this”

 

Your gf was making normal conversation, you assumed it would lead to an argument so responded evasively, defensively, was invalidating, patronising and cold thereby escalating what should have been a normal conversation into an argument that left your gf feeling hurt and uncared for. What was wrong with just answering the question? She only wanted to talk to you after not hearing much from you all day but you respond by antagonising her!

 

Her: Will check it out.

Her: How come you haven’t messaged much today?

 

Simple question, trying to make conversation, maybe some concern or curiosity if this is out of the ordinary.

 

Me: ?

Me: Define much

 

Evasive, defensive response.

 

Her: Like usually you message more..

Her: I just haven’t heard from you much aside from the wiz thing or the song suggestion

Her: You didn’t text me what you’re doing or anything, which is what you usually do.

Her: So idk.

Her: Even now you’re giving shorter responses so I don’t know what to think.

 

Making more conversation, expressing concern at your lack of communication, seeking reassurance.

 

Me: I was super tired when I read them originally such that when I woke up, I forgot you sent them.

 

Definitely not reassuring, cold, dismissive.

 

Me: And what were you doing between 8:44 am till now?

 

Deflecting, accusatory.

 

Her: I fell asleep. I thought that was pretty obvious when I said I did all my morning tasks and was in my room again

Her: Don’t turn this back on me

 

Becoming irritated by your defensiveness, may be hurt by your apparent lack of care.

 

Me: Are you okay? I’m just asking you a question.

 

Patronising, deflection, antagonistic,

 

Me: No one is turning anything back on you. Please relax.

 

SUPER PATRONISING

 

Me : Where did you say you did all your morning tasks? Can’t seem to find that

 

You know her morning routine, by your own admission, seems you are being intentionally obtuse, antagonistic, trying to change the subject from why you didn't talk to her much today into why she hasn't given you a play by play of every exact detail of her morning.

 

Her: I am calm - do not tell me to relax. It’s just hilarious that if tables were turned you’d have been all upset.

Her: I already said “Morning honey. Walked latte and zorro in the rain. Was talking to mom, now back in my room”

Her: What does that imply to you

Her: There’s only 1 thing I need to do every morning. Walk the dog or dogs.

 

She is definitely no longer calm, she is expressing annoyance at her perception of a double standard, she has however fallen for your deflection, engaging in the non-issue of what she did or didn't exactly state.

 

Me: That doesn’t equate to “All my morning tasks” I don’t know what all your morning tasks entail.. your tasks vary from day to day

Me: So no, I’m not going to assume you slept

Me: Please don’t expect me to

 

Invalidating her concerns by ignoring them, further deflection, defensive, implying her behaviour is unreasonable.

 

Her: Lol how.. I wake up, do the same thing everyday, hit the bed again

Her: So please educate me on how they vary

Her: You’re just going into semantics now so you can blame me for something I didn’t do Instead of talking about you.

Her: ...yet again.

 

Further annoyed by your deflection, has picked up that you are trying to change the subject into how she didn't do something, instead of addressing her concerns about your lack of communication.

 

Me: Look I’m not really interested in holding this conversation with you if you’re going to act like this... not really sure why I deserve all this but okay.

I’m sorry for not telling you I’ve been in my room all day working on my project and not responding to your other messages because i forgot/was busy.

I have deadlines to meet so don’t expect many responses from me.

 

Dismissive, patronising, infantilising, playing the victim card, apology seems insincere and an attempt to placate her annoyance, instead of genuinely feeling bad for your lack of communication and her subsequent concern, cold.

 

Her: Lol yup, easy escape with excuses like always.

Her: Do what you have to. You’re not worth my time to be upset about.

Her: Even if I’m genuinely talking or addressing a question, it’s considered as “if you’re going to act like this” so do as you please. I’m exhausted trying to talk to you when you get like this.

Her: Oh and parting thought, sorry’s don’t have any value if you don’t mean them or you’re just saying them for the pleasure of the other individual. I sooo don’t need that lol. Especially from a person who thinks me talking to them is “being upset” or being some kinda way. You not messaging me is not worth losing my cool.

Her: I no longer will discuss this or raise anything questions like this ever again. I’ve learnt that every time you easily run away from the matter without bearing any responsibility because every-time the something like this is raised, you are “busy” or “with tighter deadlines”. So be busy :)

 

no longer will discuss this or raise anything questions like this ever again.

 

She is calling you out on your inability to have a conversation and communicate effectively. She is calling you out on your insincere apology. She feels totally invalidated and unloved so she doesn't see the point trying to talk to you about anything meaningful. If she can't talk to you about anything meaningful then she is not going to feel serious about you.

 

My interpretation is you felt you should have messaged her more, but when she questioned it, instead of apologising or suggesting you call or meet up you attempted to deflect blame onto her. Do you like your gf? Do you want to talk to her, spend time with her, miss her? This exchange you shared seems like she is an inconvenience to you. In the time you wasted arguing back and forth you could have arranged a date or had a phone call. I think you should call your gf to apologise and suggest from now on you should limit texts to avoid arguing and arrange a call to chat properly, even if it's only for a few minutes before bed every other day. It's a lot harder to misinterpret spoken word, this should avoid arguing.

 

How the conversation could have gone:

 

Her: Will check it out.

Her: How come you haven’t messaged much today?

 

You: I've been busy working on my project, got deadlines that are stressing me out, sorry I haven't been able to chat as much but I am going to be a bit quiet until I have all my coursework complete. Been missing you, wish we weren't so far away. Did you have a nice walk in the rain with the dogs?

 

Her: I miss you too, hope we can see each other soon, yes walk was ok, don't work too hard.