Worst Breakup - I went homeless. Does He Deserve A Second Chance? Aquarius Guy

[SherrySher]

She told him she wanted to leave! She walked out and went to a friends.

 

That to me would say that she's leaving..how would you or anyone else interpret it?

[SherrySher]

The dudes a lying abusive mamas boy and the OPers an immature entitled princess...bad match but neither is innocent

 

Absolutely.

He needs to stop lying, stop relying on what his mom thinks but she also needs to stop thinking she is so special that she can look down on people and can treat them so horribly.

 

Until both of them clean up their act or they will be no good for anyone.

[figureitout23]

She told him she wanted to leave! She walked out and went to a friends.

 

That to me would say that she's leaving..how would you or anyone else interpret it?

 

That shes throwing a childish fit and I, as a grown man, need to legally evict her and end the relationship.

 

What he did was childishly packed her stuff and kicked her out like a dog on the street. He dramatically responded to her drama.

 

Two wrong don't make a right.

 

My response was for the OPer to not take all the blame, its not all on her, and her believing it will put her in another abusive situation where she will keep quiet and take it because a bunch of strangers on the internet told her its all her fault...

[SherrySher]

Or..maybe she will wake up and stop threatening and stop throwing tantrums so that the next man she dates will have a chance at having a healthy, happy relationship with her and not have it turn into this again.

[figureitout23]

Or..maybe she will wake up and stop threatening and stop throwing tantrums so that the next man she dates will have a chance at having a healthy, happy relationship with her and not have it turn into this again.

 

If she sees her part and can differentiate between her wrongs and his,and learn when to walk away when an incompatibility occurs, I'm sure she will.

[claudeb]

Thank you figureitout23. I have wrote this today:

today is the 14th of April. Its been 14 days since the NC. The real NC gonna start now.

I have understand it was my fault in the beginning, I have pushed him too much, put a lot of pressure on us, he couldn't breathe, he didn't see the future with me anymore. I will respect his decision and give him space.

In the meantime I will become a better person. I need to deal and overcome my past and the influence.

I need to take action of my low communication skills - I will not hurt nobody anymore and also myself.

I will focus myself for the graduation. To go or not to go. I will graduate.

I find will a good job. If not now, I will take everything to make money - to make it moving.

I will change my past and make my future brighter.

I will learn from my mistakes and yes I will make things better in the future.

What I did wrong:

I willingly moved into his apartment. Begging or now. It was his wish but I willingly did it. I cannot put the culture difference as an excuse for my wrongly behaviour.

I did not appreciate Claude - he was really putting a lot of efforts to meet my expectations.

I pushed him too much

I said things I never meant - it was wrong. In the future I will think before I ever say something

It was wrong to smack him - no better what he has done.

 

About the smack on this face. Two weeks ago before this happened. He made me very upset and he cried, because he cared so much to not lose me. He went down on the knees and was holding my hand and told me to smack him if I am angry. I told him: I will never smack you. And I hugged him. We both cried.

 

A few days after I picked up the rest of my stuffs, I wrote him this:

For what I did wrong, that I was loud, I am sorry. I forgot that you are sensitive too. I've never had intention to hurt you. My heart went broken, that you have packed my things. It was very bad for me what you did. I do not wish you this pain. You were suddenly so vicious. Your behaviour saddens me until today. I'm also only 31 years old, I'm also an only child. I have no one here, I'm alone in the city. Where should I go in the taxi with all the things. It's not as easy as you imagine. I do not have a flat yet, if I can not find a place to live and work until the end of this week, I will leave this country. Then you can throw away the dresser. I actually want you to keep them. I wish we can separate in a good way. That's what you do as adults. Because you were not my enemy and I was not yours.

 

He replied with this: You forget to mention all the demands you made on me in such a short time. I do not see a common future for both of us. Nevertheless I wish you good luck, success, and satisfaction in your future life. All the best.

 

I replied: sorry I went on google translation to translate the long text into English

I'm sorry if you were thinking this way. Those were compromises for me, there are compromises in a relationship. First of, I wanted to do something good for you with the tax reductions, and at that moment, I was just thinking of having a future together with a cat. For me, you did not want the common future. I was hurt at the moment. In order not to show my vulnerability the moment you were not nice, I've told you things that I'm never allowed to tell you to protect myself. I'm sorry. That is a cultural difference. Not because I had material demands, I never had them, only demand for a common future. There is, probably you do not know "high context and low context culture", if you lived outside of Western Europe or worked somewhere else, you would understand it immediately and react differently. I did not take into account all these months that you take it another way. It is an explanation and a matter of understanding. I did not explain that to you well. You were not aware of this cultural difference. When you get to know each other so close, you just started to feel it. For me you were very very close to me, no one was so close to me. Therefore I could not know that before. Unfortunately my way to express myself/ to approach you was wrong. I have a Chinese background, you could not understand this "higher context" in your Western European way of thinking. At work, I've always been aware of who I was dealing with, but privately forgotten, because nobody was so private with me. That will not happen anymore, I will change. And I'm just also a human being, the difference in perception was also not aware for me. Just because I love you made me angry. That's why I know why you're angry. And you know how I am, that was a bargain for me, my buyer instinct wanted to access. (my profession is procurement manager...the apartment was too cheap and good, I

therefore wanted to have it) And I was not alone anymore, I was with you and not as your guest! This sentence really hit me deeply. That's why I wanted your approval but it was misplaced. You should always make a joint decision in a relationship. I know how you cried in front of me ... I know that you love me very much, that can not be played ... I do not like to see you cry, I know that you love me and only because of that you were very angry ... I appreciate your effort. if that is not the case, you will not be angry otherwise. And we both would not be mad at each other and hurt. I told you a long time ago, if I say something that is evil, I do not mean it that way. Mouth like knife, heart like tofu. Is a Chinese saying. I told you that. No matter how it ends, I do not want you to hate me. I want to clear this cultural misunderstanding out of our way. For me, the moment I am a cat, when a cat is angry and is normal for a cat, she throws things away. I know it made you so scared and angry. For me I was a cat, I want to be hugged, and I asked myself why is he screaming at me. Then sadly stunned. You've always said you love my cat behaviour, you're not supposed to love my bad cat behaviour, I'll change that, but I ask for your understanding to understand me. Let's think about the good side, it was more than the misunderstandings. We both made a lot of effort to make each other happy. You were not one-sided. I vowed to take you the way you were last year, and at Christmas I swore I would support and love you forever. I meant it, too. It breaks my heart to think of having to pick up the chest of drawers I got for the shared home, that was not my intention. Let us have understanding for each other. I understand, I really have a lot of sympathy that it is depressing you with your father. And more, because day and night I thought about how this could happen because of the cultural difference between high and low context. Let us understand each other.

[claudeb]

Also when we started dating... there is a huge baroque style building in the city center next to the river...one night when we were walking to the river I asked him what is this one for a building? He answered with: this is the place where I am going to pick you up if you got caught. It was the main police building. Yes I was never innocent in my teenage age, I was a rebel and wild girl. He called me: you are a sly dog on our third date. (I google translated this). I was not happy about it. He said it was positive. He was the nerd, the best boy at school. When I was meeting his only friend here a few months ago (a girl from his highschool class who also ended up in this country). She told me she and the others were not nice to him. She asked me if I am happy with him. I answered yes I am. Where ever he is, is where my home is. I was also very protective to him. I told him, if anyone is not nice to you, you need to tell me - and I will handle it. I thought our love was real... I was never so real with somebody with my childhood, my past..

[SherrySher]

Unfortunately, Claude, things are over for good and I hope that you can come to terms with that.

 

The biggest mistake you made was hitting him. He won't forgive that and his mother won't forgive that. It's two against one and it's not something you can fix.

 

I hope you find a way to either make it back home or find a place to live. I know it's not easy for you either.

 

It's good that you are writing your thoughts out, I hope it will help you heal. But you and he can no longer be together.

 

I hope you will be okay.

[claudeb]

Is that not the same when he took my word "next week im leaving" serious to pack my stuffs. I took his words seriously too "smack me if you are angry". I did not "hit" him. I gave him a smack. I guess the biggest mistake he did was jeopardize my safety of the living situation overnight. He clearly knows that he broke the law (in the country where we live), if I ever wanted to go further, but I don't. (When he called the police to make me leave - the police told him it is not correct and its against the law as I am registered there that I should keep my keys, but at this time my friends were already getting my stuffs into the car, they didn't want me to stay there with this person). His eyes were red and he was shaking when my friend tried to talk to him and asking what happened. Actually a common friend. Two weeks before she came to "our house" to help him to prepare for some case studies. He was just standing there in the kitchen and locked up the glass door and kept saying in French I am sorry. I left the keys with him. I can forgive everything what ever happened in my life... my father left me when I was 12... I was living in a huge city by myself for 5 months alone and ate mcdonalds for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. When my mom found out about it 5 months later (she was living in a different city) she put me into a boarding school. I don't have no hate for my father, I love him very much. We do call each other 3 times a week.

It is the same. The worst part is, I have no hate for him, for being homeless overnight.... I don't hate him and I will never be able to hate him.

[claudeb]

Is there something wrong with me, that I can not hate someone? Even after this? It made me angry what he did. It did really made me upset to get his mother involved. He could talk to me and say: it's not working out, since it has been my apartment and you moved in with me, I want you to leave.

His parents sent me a Christmas gift and wrote me a lovely handwritten letter which made me cry. His mother sent me another gift for the new year and the signature was: your mama. It made me also crying... Things started changing when he left the university, he was very confused and he told me he didn't know what to do, since he stayed in school until 31. At the same time his father diagnosed for cancer last stage after 3 months of chemotherapy. I had huge understandings. I understood that he wanted to take a break. But he was telling me he didn't see me putting effort to look for a job...... I told him when we met that Im focusing to finish my studies and Im on a break. Im about to finish my grade school in this month. It made me sad that he didn't understand me... Yes, I guess it's a good timing for me to focus on myself and my future career, even it doesn't look to me when the breakup happened. I know he was dead serious about me... and no I didn't ask our common friend to text him....she did it because it saddened her so much on her wedding day..she showed me message yesterday...I had no clue that he was writing to her that he wish things would worked out differently and he could attend the wedding alone with me....

[SherrySher]

Claude..you need to stop this argument on who was more right.

 

You seem to need to be right and for others to tell you that you were right and he was wrong. There is no winner here and both of you were very wrong.

 

Both of you will end up alone or have very bad relationships if you don't stop these bad behaviors.

 

You need to let go now and move on.

[ninjabib]

Yep. This is way too much thinking. It's done. Move on. Learn from it. Let go, take time for yourself. Reset and rebuild.

[katrina1980]

This thread just goes to show how one action can lead to your partner's negative reaction, then to your negative reaction, then his, then yours, etc etc etc -- until the communication become so toxic, that in anger you announce you're leaving, he packs your things, you're left homeless and so angry you retaliate by hitting him!

 

Whew, just writing that was exhausting, I can't imagine actually living it.

 

I agree with others, you're both immature (which you have subsequently owned) and a really bad match for each other.

 

Re him telling you to "smack" him, I highly doubt he meant that literally.

 

In English we sometimes use certain words and phrases rhetorically or figuratively, not meant to be taken literally or seriously.

 

Like I might say "I need a good kick in the arse" to bring me back to reality or good senses, I don't mean for anyone to literally kick me in the ass! Lol

 

You however took him literally, and marched over unannounced, uninvited and smacked him, which was wrong, and could have actually landed you in jail.

[Billie28]

OP you are spending far too much time and energy into the what if’s , who was right , who was wrong etc

People don’t go from loving someone one day to hating them the next.

Most people go from loving to a state of indifference, neither love nor hate.

The fact that you think you should hate him is wrong.

 

You are delaying your grief by over analysing the last few days of message exchanges.

 

Your relationship was not the last few days , it was the last few months.

You were incompatible and I don’t think that had anything much to do with cultural differences.

 

Just two people who were not suited.

 

Please use your energy in a positive way.

Start by looking for work and places to live.

 

You are 31 not “only 31” as you say.

You don’t need family to bail you out.

You have been an adult for 13 years.

You were not left destitute and homeless.

You had friends to help you , your ex was well aware of this.

 

You must stop with the self pity. And move forward.

[figureitout23]

Kat, I’m sure just like she shouldn’t have taken his ‘smack me’ seriously it seems a bit ridiculous to take her ‘I’m leaving’ seriously since she was in a foreign land with no where to go... same thing... two wrongs don’t make a right... their communication was crap, he’s guilty too...

 

Claudeb - being left by your dad probably gave you some abandonment issues, I’m not sure what else led up to you acting in the manner you did in your relationship, but as you already know it has to change.

 

The obsessive going over and over what happened isn’t going to help, I’m going to guess you have issues with anxiety too, you can’t seem to stop thinking about it, which without a home it makes sense, but you have to put your brain in a different direction. I’m trying to use phrases that can be translated by google translate... I hope I’m making sense, this isn’t healthy, have you considered going home?

[claudeb]

Dear figureitout23... going home....it was my home that night I went there and I only wanted to go it. I regret that I have left him the keys there. I couldn't believe he wanted the keys from me. Emotionally it was my home which he gave it to me, which we both tried to build it together and which he took it from me overnight. He did put a lot effort to make me feel comfortable. He bought everything new for me... It was not the language barrier, we are both native in German, I was just lazy to write the same long text again and post it here, he was trying to give excuses for what he did, so am I. Yes I have considered going home but I have no home to go... Do you think he will ever come back to me?

[SherrySher]

He won't come back nor should he, you two are bad for each other.

 

The mother does not like you. It is over. He won't come back to you because of this.

[itsallgrand]

Did you even contribute your half of living expenses? It sounds like you haven't been working on top of all this.

 

You sound like an absolute nightmare. Pushing for more, living in his apartment, threatening him when you didn't get your way. Damn right, good for him, he packed your bags. And then you got abusive. And even after the police are called, you stalk him and slap him because he wouldn't let you in. And all while his father is dying of cancer.

 

You are a grown up. It was stupid of both of you to have you move in, but I don't fault the man anything else. He can't be expected to live with a lunatic who is all about number one. Being abusive can't be blamed on your ethnicity, nor your nasty tongue. That's on you , solely and squarely.

 

I really feel for this guy. You even have the audacity to call out his mother, while his home is in tatters ( you pissed on his sense of security) and while his dad is on death's door.

[SherrySher]

It is really bad of her.

 

He must be in such a bad state and she does this while his dad is dying.

 

Did you work and help pay for the rent??

[SherrySher]

The thing that really annoyed me with you, OP is that you wrote so horribly about him, calling him down about his looks and then bragging yourself up.

 

Saying he was "allowed" to give you head massages..*roll eyes*.

 

Who do you think you are?

[figureitout23]

Dear figureitout23... going home....it was my home that night I went there and I only wanted to go it. I regret that I have left him the keys there. I couldn't believe he wanted the keys from me. Emotionally it was my home which he gave it to me, which we both tried to build it together and which he took it from me overnight. He did put a lot effort to make me feel comfortable. He bought everything new for me... It was not the language barrier, we are both native in German, I was just lazy to write the same long text again and post it here, he was trying to give excuses for what he did, so am I. Yes I have considered going home but I have no home to go... Do you think he will ever come back to me?

 

I dont think its even an option at this point.

 

One day at a time, this is unhealthy,you have to try to move on, Im sorry.

[claudeb]

Of course. I was the one who was paying rent for us. I have savings, he doesn't. As he just graduated and not working at this moment. And I had a company until last year. I have never realised that when I said "bye" was a way of threaten a man :( It was for me a joke without any meaning....he took it serious.

You are right SherrySher. I was like an entitled princess. I was just the telling trust from my perspective. What's the point to say that he is a caring, adorable who turned into a ice cold, cruel person within the same day.

[claudeb]

He is a grown man. He is an adult for letting the gf move in together while she was the one who paid the rent for both of us (!!) Who went grocery shopping while he was at school(!!) Who cooked most of the times for him. Who arranged a damn surprise dinner for his birthday, etc. I am not saying he ever treat me wrong. I don't care who paid for what. It is never about the money. I wanted a future with this man. He was loving and caring. But he DID NOT have to balls to have a proper communication with me when there is a conflict?!? Not able to compromise? I wanted a communication - I told him sit down let's talk, I wanted to know why - he went to the kitchen to call his mother??? And you think I am not pissed for this behaviour?

 

I never threatened to leave him. I told him that afterwards in a long text. But he didn't have the balls to tell me he wants me to move out?? Instead of talk to me but letting his mother do it? Well. Do you know how disrespectful that is? I don't want no pity. The fact is I am in a foreign countries without families. He threatened my safety (my living situation) as he knew I had NOWHERE to go. Which hotel should I go with my part of the furnitures? Do you also think this behaviour towards the girlfriend is OK?

 

Really hilarious. And you do think it is very respectful to let the mother packing my belongingness? Respectful? Incl. my underwears?? I have to tell you. It was a COMMON apartment, not only his. I still have my name on that registration. You have to remember I am a human, I never deserved to be treat this way.

 

So disrespectful. I slapped him after all this happened, not before. Now I feel much to write down what I did for him and what I got in return. Sometimes I feel sad to slap the man I claim to love. But he deserves the smack. When he called the police on me, the police gave me rights but my friends didn't want me to stay with him. Understand? He had NO reason to call the police - which is also written in the police protocol.

[claudeb]

I need to make things clear. We were both at our graduation stage. Since his graduated he was not working (when you do phd you work in a lab while writing papers and receive a little amount of money) either - was totally fine with me. I helped him through his defence and job search. I was there for him. Whenever he needed my advice (job wise) I was there. This fight happened exactly 4 weeks prior my own graduation. He called the police to threaten me out on the same day when my friend from Prag was on the way to visit me and supposed to stay in our apartment for 3 days and 2 days before my important job interview. I only wanted this other apartment (why the argument started) because we will both start working and the other apartment is in a lower tax region. And prior this we agreed to split the bills 50/50 (in the country we live, there are different zones for taxes). I wanted to save on taxes since we both will have a great job. There were no any bad intensions from my side. And I did not use him. I felt used when he told me he was a virgin. And I felt used when I found out he was dating girls to whom I look alike at the same time, before things became serious. It gave me the feeling nobody wanted him the way he was, and I was just a substitute.

[figureitout23]

Claudeb I get it which is why I’ve attwnpted to defend you, because to me you aren’t a gold digger or any of that, I think you have maturity and impulse control issues, I think your relationship was mutually destructive and I don’t think either one of you were innocent here.

 

BUT all these reason you are listing is why you two do not belong together, and he isn’t here you are so that’s why you’re receivjng feed back on what you did, he’s not here, you are, that doesn’t make what he did any less harmful, but YOU have to pull up your big girl pa ties and begin to disengage and attempt to move on. That’s really your only choice as I see it.