Worst Breakup - I went homeless. Does He Deserve A Second Chance? Aquarius Guy

[SherrySher]

Quit saying he didn't have balls...he clearly does if he left you behind and isn't coming back!!

 

His mom might have had some say but if he was so in love with you, he'd be secretly texting you trying to not let you go.

 

The guy definitely has balls because when he says he's had enough, he means it!

[SherrySher]

But he deserves the smack

 

NO he does not!!! One of these days you will end up in jail or in court if you can't keep your hands to yourself.

 

You have no right to hit someone, ever!!

 

I am done with this thread, I don't feel OP will ever grow or get better.

[ninjabib]

OP you cannot hit anyone ever. ONly in self defence and this wasn't that. There is nothing you can say that justifies it.

[claudeb]

Dear figureitout23, just wanted to give you an update.

 

I thank you very much for your time writing to me. I appreciate your words a lot. Yes I will work on my impulse control issues with a therapist I have arranged the meetings. Since 5 days I feel much better without him. I am motivated again, already set up for job interviews. My goals and visions became clear in those days. Im getting my career back, even better. Everything I have disregards through failing of my startup, Im solving all this disregarded problems now. I was very much emotionally dependent on his well being from the beginning of the relationship. All I wanted was to take care of him forever. He was my priority. If Im committed I am always like this... this part of myself I don't know how to change it..

The mutual friend of us, well actually more my friend, she received a message from him last night. I just make it short: He says he is very sorry for what he did. He never meant to hurt me in this way or threaten me to become homeless.... He was just not himself and he was confused what to do because I told him I am leaving him. He didn't see a future in that moment. He was hurt when I said Im not going to see his parents with him. And he was angry at me. He realised that he also has a huge issues in solving conflicts properly and he misses me very much. He now understands my needs and why I argued with him, because I cared. He says he is very sorry and doesn't know how to make time return. He didn't mention a word of my fault. The mutual friend forwarded the message to me this morning. I told her to not answer. (I didn't know the previous message she sent to him until she told me).

It's been about 25 days - I finally got over it. I mean really got over it. I am so much focused on myself. I don't even what an answer for why. I don't care. Maybe deep inside me I do care a little, I care if his father is doing well with the cancer therapy... My dad was sending me (through a family friend who supposed to travel to here) medications for his father....I told him immediately to stop after this happened. I am flying to the States next week for my graduation and things slowly getting better. I don't think I can ever trust him again.... after all these my feelings are gone from one to another day after I wrote down that he jeopardized my safety, and the mother, when he said I was a gast there...and that he misleading me in the beginning....

 

What would you do? I asked him to return me the gifts on that horrible day, because I was angry. It was not my intention...I really have no idea why I say things which I don't mean (I will find a way to work on this). I was hurt when I threw the cuddle toy in the bin which he gave it to us for Christmas. Maybe I should buy a new one, the same one and return it to him? Yes I was so hurt to realise his words, I came to the conclusion, Yes I was a gast, but it was the cuddle toys home and he belongs there.

[Wiseman2]

Stay away before you get a restraining order slapped on you. Focus on getting therapy, quitting whatever drugs/drinking could be fueling this and get to a doctor to assess your mood/anger issues.

[Nickel Speed]

Over it in 25 days? That's some record time...at least for me.

[claudeb]

Well, don't judge if you don't know.

I never took any drugs. Nor I have a drinking problem.

Not everybody is the same in your imagination.

 

 

You don't know the history. Don't tell me you will not be pissed if your bf runs into the bedroom calling his mother instead of talking to me.

[SherrySher]

He didn't mention a word of my fault

 

Still on that same old song and dance...YOU were at fault, very, very much. You're a grown adult, no one needs to point that out to you.

 

You're lucky you weren't charged with assault cause trust me, many mothers would have had you taken away in a police care and to court.

[SherrySher]

Stay away before you get a restraining order slapped on you. Focus on getting therapy, quitting whatever drugs/drinking could be fueling this and get to a doctor to assess your mood/anger issues.

 

I agree. Continue therapy, stop drinking (you admitted you got drunk and attacked him). Get on some kind of medication to control your anger issues and impulse control and leave him alone before you get a restraining order.

 

If you're truly over it all, tell your "friends" to stop with the updates...it's over...it's beating a dead horse.

[SherrySher]

You were not right Claude and you never will be. You don't go around hitting men or treating them like they are your slaves.

 

You only want to hear from people who agree with you and that's your problem...you refuse to see your own faults and what you did to cause all of this.

 

You are going to lead a very toxic life with more unhappiness if you do not start to fix yourself and actually listen to people who are telling you what you did wrong and that you are not this great woman you think you are.

 

At the moment, you are weak and act like a spoiled child. You demand and punish and then act out with violence when you don't get your own way.

 

It will never be okay and it will never give you healthy relationships.

[figureitout23]

Well she just got accused of being on drugs sherry come on...

 

Do I think she’s stubborn and being combative? yes, do I think posters are shoving her in a corner throwing insults and her like the new kid in high school, yup.

 

Much like with her ex she lashes out when pushed. Is it right? No. It it doesn’t mean she’s on drugs and if I saw that post not get deleted but mine didnt I would be hard for me to not become combative myself.

[figureitout23]

Claudeb,

 

I had a sinking feeling he would show up, because despite this idea that he’s somehow not a willing participant in this dysfunction he clearly is.

 

I would not go back. You two are not good together. You have a LOT to learn about functioning healthy relationships as does he.

 

Like I said, I had a sinking feeling this drama, this level of drama is normal for you both despite you claiming everything was normal, your interactions just scream high passion, high drama, it’s not sustainable. I would not go back.

[katrina1980]

I agree with Sherry!

 

Op, you are being criticized harshly because it doesn't appear you believe you've done anything wrong by getting drunk, going over unannounced and slapping him..

 

Sure, I'd be pissed too if my bf called his mother instead of talking to me, packing my things, leaving me homeless, but I would not react the way you did, that was just way over the top and unnecessary, and is considered abusive even if you think he deserved it.

 

I'm sorry it just is, at least in the way you described it.

 

In order to heal, it's important that you own that.

 

Re the drugs and drinking accusation, you gotta let this stuff roll off. Easier said than done sometimes, I realize that, but this is an anonymous message board, everyone responding is going to have their own interpretation and opinion.

 

I hope you and your bf are able to resolve your issues in a healthy way!

 

Currently your dynamic together is very dysfunctional but you can turn that around IF you both own your respective roles in the dysfunction, and take appropriate steps to change it.

 

It will be hard work, and will only work if you are both up to the challenge.

 

If not, wish each other well, and best you go separate ways.

[itsallgrand]

Reading the original post again, plus the follow ups, I stand by what I said.

OP is a violent bully.

She was threatening to leave him any time he didn't bend to her will. Read her original post again. She has been abusive through out. That's more than low impulse control or being pushed against a wall.

 

He's not contacting you. You are gathering gossip with a friend. Leave the guy alone . You do need a reality check. You are still justifying your stance as a victim here. You aren't.

[SherrySher]

FIO, I love your posts and I think you've got loads of great advice but this poster in particular does not think she is wrong, despite trying to sweet talk us into thinking so.

She is so on her high horse that she thinks she's god's gift to men and it's more than aggravating.

 

She acts entitled and shes abusive on top of it and again, thinks she has a right.

 

You've seen my posts. I have given advice on over 5,000 posts. I try to help people and to understand. This poster by far is one of the worst ones I have ever come across.

She only wants to be told that she is right and that we all feel sorry for her.

 

I'm sorry but I won't bow to her.

[figureitout23]

Im in no way saying she’s innocent, I do not think she’s right, I’ve just experienced enough in life to know a mutually destructive relationship when I see one. He’s coming back for more! I PROMISE you this is their dysfunctional tango ,I’ve been critical without ignoring the blantant signs this drama isn’t one sided. Apparently the OPer appreciates it, So she must not be too adverse to criticism. I don’t think it’s possible to bow to someone on a message board but I haven’t seen anyone including myself do it.

 

I got an infraction for calling askdan a troll and well... so yeah I think calling a poster a drug addict is wrong. Doesn’t mean I’m coddling ( y’all know how anti coddling I am) doesn’t mean I think she’s right, I think she has a long hard road ahead of her because she’s got a lot to work through. Him, he’s not here, but I’d say the same thing to him. Come on what emotionally healthy man would have gotten with her and thought, yes this seems like a good idea! What do I always say? Broken seeks broken.

 

So mutually destructive, and wrong to call a poster a drug addict these are my points ( the posts are on this page if anyone needs to check) not sure why people disagree but it is what it is, I stand by it

[boltnrun]

"I was incredibly **** - so I throw all the gifts away what he gave me and I ripped our pictures. I throw things at him."

 

"He wanted to have his ipad back, I pushed him away."

 

"A few days later when I was drunk I went to e place at night, it made me very angry because he locked the door from outside (it was for me my home), he came down and I slap him and left."

 

It wasn't just one light slap.

[figureitout23]

Bolt, I think this was meant for the other thread.

 

I didn’t reference her abusive behavior, which I in no way think was ok. That’s the other posters argument and I’m not touching that convo...

[SherrySher]

Yes but what I think people are trying to say here is, she is incredibly destructive. Hard for anyone to try to understand when she is very abusive and entitled.

[SherrySher]

Let's keep in mind too that this thread has gone on for 7 pages...many people have tried to give great advice, and to some degree people felt they might be getting through.

Then OP admits that shes glad she hit her bf.

 

Hard for anyone to care after she does that. She's been very insulting.

 

I think most have the attitude like her ex's mother...bye, won't miss you.

[figureitout23]

Let's keep in mind too that this thread has gone on for 7 pages...many people have tried to give great advice, and to some degree people felt they might be getting through.

Then OP admits that shes glad she hit her bf.

 

Hard for anyone to care after she does that. She's been very insulting.

 

I think most have the attitude like her ex's mother...bye, won't miss you.

 

Sherry do you think you might be taking the side of the mother as a mother of sons.

 

I'm not coming at you accusatory, just....how could you think in any way shape or form it was ok for the mom to pack up the ex girlfriends belongings? Remember this was before she slapped him, but even if it was after, hes a grown man, he cant handle packing up his ex girlfriends things he has to get his mom? Thats not a signal that maybe he was fanning the flames...I mean isnt her involving a friend seen as wrong? Come on....

 

I think its gross and boundary crossing for a mother to pack up an ex girlfriends belongings without her consent, I think its gross and boundary crossing for her to put her hands on him, man or woman wrong is wrong. The police were called,why not have police escort her in to get her stuff and get out and if he took it that far, why interact with her drunk and outside of his home after the police escorted her away, especially if she had a history of being combative, and I wouldn't be talking to the friend about reconciliation...again...come on...

 

I think most would have the attitude of...those two are insane, its like watching a slow moving train wreck..yikes...I am not getting in the middle of all that... they need to get away from eachother...

 

But thats neither here nor there because I'm saying the same things everyone else is saying, Im just adding the ex boyfriends crazy too. I keep saying I don't think anything she did was right, I keep saying, I don't feel I'm being coddling to her, I've seen coddling posts, I'm being critical. She ABSOLUTELY is being destructive, couldn't agree with you more, that doesn't mean her ex isn't one flew over the coo coo nest himself. Broken seeks Broken, no man with a healthy sense of self and healthy boundaries with his mother would go anywhere near her. I don't know why me acknowledging that is seen as so off the wall. They both thrived in this crazy making behavior and apparently he wants some more... again why is this blatantly obvious things so odd to point out?

 

Why is me saying a regular poster accusing her of being a drug addict is out of line, seen as out of line?

 

Her proclaiming he deserves to get hit and posters agreeing with that, well that's not me, please differentiate.

 

This is me, this was my first post on this thread:

 

To answer the title question, no I would not allow someone who left me homeless back into my life

 

I don’t know that I’d define what he did as that but no I wouldn’t.

 

Is this America? If so I’m shocked the police had you leave, it’s illegal to just kick a tenant out even if you didn’t have an agreement with the apartment, you were his significant other, there are legal steps that would have needed to be taken, but that’s neither here nor there since after all that you put your hands on him. He had the right after that.

 

I can see that he was wrong in overly including his mother in your relationship and had some communication issues but you did too so unfortunately it was two people who lacked the proper coping and communication skills to make it through conflicts.

 

It’s probably best to let sleeping dogs lie.

 

I would however look into some sort of therapy for yourself to learn proper communication and coping. Putting your hands on someone is never ok and while I completely understand you wanting to follow your culture, if someone has a different culture he isn’t necessarily required to follow yours. Respect it, yes, follow unfortunately it has to be a mutual agreement and it seems he was just placating you instead of embracing your culture so again unfortunately it seems to just be a bad match. Plus he lied to you about major things like his dating history. This relationship is a complete no go.

 

Another quote...

 

I personally think there’s a huge difference between an angry threat during an argument which he was also guilty of

 

And kicking out a woman in a foreign land.

 

Courts would agree with me too.

 

What he did was illegal. Hitting him was illegal too so I’m not saying she’s innocent

 

But I can’t imagine being kicked out of my home in that manner, childish immature or not.

 

BUT this is why I always say don’t play relationship chicken.

 

He’s still a monster for doing that in my opinion.

 

The dudes a lying abusive mamas boy and the OPers an immature entitled princess...bad match but neither is innocent

 

Neither one of you is innocent OPer PLEASE remember that! He lied to you, he left you homesless....he is a non starter. You are not innocent. You Need help but PLEASE don’t let anyone convince you he’s an angel.

[SherrySher]

No, I'm seeing it from the side of someone who has been physically and emotionally abused.

[figureitout23]

No, I'm seeing it from the side of someone who has been physically and emotionally abused.

 

Been there too. So I can clearly see how crazy making behavior can cause someone to act irrationally.

 

Doesnt make it right. Doesnt make her right, doesnt make him right.

 

She should seek therapy, I said that though, many times actually...still not seeing where the disconnect is but....