Please help get my ex boyfriend back!

[katrina1980]

I strongly recommend that you read her other thread. Please do not give her any sort of encouragement, as the relationship was highly dysfunctional, toxic and disrespectful.

 

Oh shoot, thanks.

 

Did not know that! Just going by this one!

 

Specifically her original post.

 

Damn.

[katrina1980]

OP, your distancing and going no contact will hopefully help you regardless of what happens with your ex, help you disconnect and extricate yourself from the emotional grip he has on you.

 

It may or may not result in your ex coming back, if he's done, which it sounds like he is after 12 years, he's DONE, I'm sorry.

 

And no contact should not be done to get him back anyway.

 

It's done to help you with your healing. It gets easier with time.

 

This RL has defintely run its course.

 

Bid him farewell and take steps to move on.

 

Again I'm sorry.

[RayofLighten]

You are right. It's just very hard to let go of my entire life and start over. I feel like the only way to feel better is to go back and to get him back. It's hard to accept that there is no chance.

 

There is no chance, so you ARE going to have to accept it. GET A GRIP! You are in your 30's and you are acting like a sulky teenage girl. You are on a downwards spiral that wont lead anywhere good. You will never get him back because he's happy and in love with another woman. The sooner you accept this and block him from your life, the better.

[Nickel Speed]

Actually, it's the opposite.

Please learn about men and how they fall and stay in love. They don't fall in love (and stay in love) like women do, not in my experience.

 

It's been said (and written) men need a certain distance to fall and stay in love, women need togetherness.

 

Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that, again the exact opposite of what you're thinking.

 

Distance yourself (no contact) and give him the opportunity to wonder about you, miss you, long for you!

 

Stretch that rubber band and keep stretching it!

 

Longing is a very powerful emotion, and by "being there" for him ad nauseum, being his "friend" you're not allowing him to experience that emotion.

 

I am sure he is quite fond of you, and cares, but it's as a good friend and always will be until

and unless he's given the opportunity to experience life without you.

 

Read John Gray, he's written many books on this, how different men and women are when it comes to love.

 

Yin and yang and all that.

 

Also by the way, I've been in a relationship for a year and still maintain a bit of distance and my bf is crazy in love with me.

 

Did the same thing with my ex, and after six years, he was still crazy in love like the first day he met me (we broke up for reasons unrelated to that).

 

Distance girl, learn when to distance yourself, this is certainly one of those times!

 

That my dear is how you might possibly get him back. NOT by sticking around being his "friend."

 

 

 

Speaking in here. This was the complete opposite in my relationship.

[Geminifeed]

Thank you everyone for your advice. I know he sounds horrible but there are very good parts of him that I keep thinking about. It kills me to know that I'll never have that again. Also I've heard about distance working like that but I was concerned because he is very clingy obviously and wanted to spend 24/7 together. I don't think distance would help if I was trying to get him back. If we weren't together we were on the phone. So now he's always either on the phone or with his new girlfriend. He will forget about me pretty fast most likely. That's why I thought staying in his life would help my chances and that I could maybe outshine the new GF and win him back.

[boltnrun]

Please think about why you want a guy who paraded his new girlfriend under your nose and insisted you hang out with them watching them be together back.

 

Playing the "Please pick me!!" game is not sexy, BTW. He knows you're there and unless he suffers a traumatic head injury he won't forget you exist. But you sure won't look attractive lurking at his feet hoping he notices you.

 

You haven't allowed yourself to break away. If you give it a chance you will realize he is not the one for you.

[RayofLighten]

Speaking in here. This was the complete opposite in my relationship.

 

She has become greatly deluded because she is so dependent on this guy to live. This is so unhealthy. She needs to break away for good.

[Wiseman2]

You'll have it with a better man, now that you are free of this guy.

I know he sounds horrible but there are very good parts of him that I keep thinking about. It kills me to know that I'll never have that again.

[Nickel Speed]

She has become greatly deluded because she is so dependent on this guy to live. This is so unhealthy. She needs to break away for good.

 

I'm in a similar boat, except we share a kid together. That is why I was relating.

I was responding to the part in bold about men not staying in love. I disagreed that this is specifically a male or a female thing.

[Geminifeed]

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation Nickel Speed I remember you from my other thread. I hope you are doing better.

[Geminifeed]

I am very dependent on him to live. He always told me the best thing to do and what was best for me. We literally did everything together except for work. Also I have never spoken to another man in my life except for it being a family member or work/school related so I don't have any dating or friend experience with anyone else.

[boltnrun]

I am very dependent on him to live. He always told me the best thing to do and what was best for me. We literally did everything together except for work. Also I have never spoken to another man in my life except for it being a family member or work/school related so I don't have any dating or friend experience with anyone else.

 

Do you remember what I wrote about my friend?

 

She too refused to accept reality.

 

You can't use the "well, I don't know how to live without him" excuse to choose to hold onto a dead relationship. Well, I mean you CAN, but why would you want to?

 

It's always a choice; choose to keep yourself dependent on someone who's with someone else, or choose to build a new and better life yourself.

 

I doubt you want the rest of your life to look like my friend's.

[Wiseman2]

You are not dependent on him.

I chose to move back home to my family 4 hours away because of the pain. I

[Geminifeed]

I'd like to say I moved back home because I'm strong but if that was the case I would have left right away instead of letting him treat me like that for 9 weeks. He wanted me to move in with his female coworker across the street from where we lived or with his best friend's girlfriend, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about it. My family pushing me and my last shred of dignity eventually won but I still think about moving back there to my job and his family even though I know it's not the best thing for me. I just always feel something pulling me back.

[Capricorn3]

OP, I mean this in the kindest way possible, but I really think you need professional help. Have you ever considered therapy? I think you would benefit greatly from it as you need to figure out where this major low self-esteem is coming from to cause you to be so desperate for such a loser. Please go back to your first thread and re-read your words there, and then ask yourself what on earth you find so amazing in a man who treats you like crap and makes you want him back so desperately. Seriously. Please get help.

[boltnrun]

It's not the best thing for you? That's an understatement.

 

Why do you think you cannot possibly survive without him? Did he tell you that or is that a conclusion you arrived at on your own?

 

Seriously, how happy do you think your life would be lurking around watching him kiss and hold his girlfriend, desperately hoping they get into a fight or something so he'll revert back to you?

[Geminifeed]

I know everything he did after the breakup was horrible but I guess in my mind it doesn't wipe out the good things during the relationship. Also it's my fault he did all of that anyway because he was mad that I wouldn't change and I "forced him to replace me and start over" if I would have just been better he never would have left. He told me how hard it was dating at his age which is I guess why he chose a 20 year old.

[boltnrun]

And you're buying this load of garbage? He was "forced" by your terrible behavior to date a 20 year old and parade her in front of you?

 

Everything you write just confirms you are well rid of this selfish jerk.

[Capricorn3]

And you're buying this load of garbage? He was "forced" by your terrible behavior to date a 20 year old and parade her in front of you?

 

Everything you write just confirms you are well rid of this selfish jerk.

I was thinking the same thing. OP, I'm having a hard time believing you are this desperate that you want him back. Please, walk away with what little dignity you have left.

[Geminifeed]

Unfortunately yes. He told me he planned on staying together forever and he would never have cheated on me and that he "worshipped" me. He said he didn't care what he was doing because he was a good guy his whole life and it got him nowhere with me and that now he was doing whatever he wanted. Each thing he did that I have written about on my other post he did to hurt me after I specifically asked him not to and he promised me he wouldn't. Then when I would cry to him about it he would deny telling me that he wouldn't do it and said "even if I did you think I care about my word anymore?" also I feel like I should mention that even though he told me it was over I kept trying because he was giving me mixed signals in between. Apparently he had started dating this girl the beggining of February, which I wasn't aware of at the time, but he asked me to watch a movie with him on Valentine's day night while laying next to me in our bed. That was extremely hard for me and confused me further. Now I feel like an idiot because I don't understand why he did it and I would never have agreed if I knew he was officially dating someone new.

[Capricorn3]

He said he didn't care what he was doing because he was a good guy his whole life and it got him nowhere with me and that now he was doing whatever he wanted. Each thing he did that I have written about on my other post he did to hurt me after I specifically asked him not to and he promised me he wouldn't. Then when I would cry to him about it he would deny telling me that he wouldn't do it and said "even if I did you think I care about my word anymore?" .

And you want him back!??? You really really long to have him back and be treated this way again? WHY?

[Geminifeed]

I can't help thinking he did all of that so that I would hate him instead of wanting him back so that it would be easier for me to move on. But obviously it backfired and now I still want him back and am beyond damaged. Over the years after a fight he would always say that he knew the only way I would never come back would be if he cheated on me so maybe he just wanted me to hate him.

[Capricorn3]

I can't help thinking he did all of that so that I would hate him instead of wanting him back so that it would be easier for me to move on. But obviously it backfired and now I still want him back and am beyond damaged. Over the years after a fight he would always say that he knew the only way I would never come back would be if he cheated on me so maybe he just wanted me to hate him.

 

Please seek professional help/therapy. No-one can help you with this (imo).

[CareerHelp]

Honestly, it is best that you do not contact him or have anything to do with him. I have learned over the years that NOBODY is worth fighting over. If you have to fight over someone or compete with their current SO then they are NOT in love with you. If they were in love with you then they'd be with YOU, not this other person. It sounds like he and this girl are going through the honeymoon phase if they're flaunting it all over social media. The relationship is new to them and they're enjoying the thrill. This may or may not last long-term but however long it may last, you should not be sticking around to wait and see. Enjoy life as a single woman for a little bit before you start dating! Take a trip, go out partying with the girls, go to the gym, etc., basically anything you wanted to do while dating him but couldn't.

 

Don't sit around and wait for him while he's out there enjoying life with this new broad. The WORST thing you can do after a breakup is show your ex that you're miserable and unhappy. Why? Because they will use this to their advantage and continue dragging you along, giving false hope when they never have intentions of reconnecting with you. By showing your ex that you are moving on and making progress in life, you'll actually make them feel like you're happy they are gone and this will make them wanna get closer to you. HERE is where you need to stay strong and tell him to GO AWAY! As tempting as it will be to let him in, you should not. Not sure what caused the breakup but by the looks of your post, it seems like he left you for this chick at work. In situations where one leaves the other person for someone else, you NEVER should let them back in. It doesn't matter if you stayed with him for 12 years or 120 years. If he dumped you for someone else one time, it'll happen again and again until you put your foot down. I wish you luck and hope you can move forward from this!

[Hollyj]

I'd like to say I moved back home because I'm strong but if that was the case I would have left right away instead of letting him treat me like that for 9 weeks. He wanted me to move in with his female coworker across the street from where we lived or with his best friend's girlfriend, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about it. My family pushing me and my last shred of dignity eventually won but I still think about moving back there to my job and his family even though I know it's not the best thing for me. I just always feel something pulling me back.

 

I am cringing.