Please help get my ex boyfriend back!

[reinventmyself]

I don't want that to be me but it's not that far out there based on the state I'm in now. I did move to my mom's house and I am possibly moving to Florida to go to school and try to start a new life. I guess it's so hard for me because this guy has been everything to me; my best friend (well only friend really) my fiance, literally everything since I was 18 (I'm 31 now). I don't even remember much of my life before he was in it. I've only been with him and his family for 11 years and now I'm back with my family who never really got along with.

Ouch,

I can feel your pain.

What happens in situations like this is you become enmeshed. You don't know where he ends and you begin.

 

I know this is a very painful situation but you can wrap your head around the idea that this is a great opportunity for you. If you don't get along with your family, I would suggest the move to Florida.

 

All the time with him has left you a little arrested emotionally. No one person should be your everything. This is a time that you need to get to know yourself, develop some independence and create a new, rich and exciting life for yourself.

 

Spend some time out of a relationship, make new friends and at some point in time you will choose a partner differently and ultimately you will have the strength and skill to trust that no matter what you will be ok.

 

He doesn't get to demote you to a friend and keep you on shelf in case he changes his mind. And everyone is correct. If you accept being in his life at a reduced capacity, he will no longer respect you. You are no ones convenience. Remember that.

 

In meantime, you need some support. If it's not family, do you have anyone you can talk to?

[Geminifeed]

Deep down I know I probably shouldn't believe the things he tells me but I guess I'm having trouble believing that the person I love and knew so well was capable of doing all of this. I keep trying to justify what he did and analyze every word and action and it's exhausting but I can't seem to stop.

[reinventmyself]

Deep down I know I probably shouldn't believe the things he tells me but I guess I'm having trouble believing that the person I love and knew so well was capable of doing all of this. I keep trying to justify what he did and analyze every word and action and it's exhausting but I can't seem to stop.

 

Just know it's normal. You are under alot of stress and when you are flooded with emotion it's hard to figure things out.

[Geminifeed]

Yes I did read something about being enmeshed and it's definitely that too. Florida is probably my best move but it seems so drastic and intimidating moving so far to a place where I don't know anyone. I do have a few people to talk to on the phone and my sister tries to help me but they can only do so much with my mindset the way it is. Also this forum helps me a lot so I appreciate everyone taking the time to give me their advice. I guess i feel like even if he doesn't take me back that having him there to talk to could help me get over him too by still keeping him in my life and it not feeling so permanent. It would probably make things worse because it almost feels like I'm in withdrawals from not seeing him or talking to him.

[Hollyj]

You can't stop because you remain in contact.

 

Op, he is with someone else. He says he loves her. He has shown you and told you, what else does he need to do?

[Hollyj]

I was thinking that would probably happen. He told me before I left that he would never let anyone he dated tell him I couldn't be in his life. He also told me that when I moved we could talk on the phone, watch TV together and video chat.

 

This is a sad situation. You are going to settle for this. Good God, did you not have any life outside of this creep?

 

Get some professional help. Your self esteem is non existent.

[Geminifeed]

I know it sounds strange, but no I did not. We spent every second together that we were not working. We had the same days off. We watched all of the same shows and movies together. We did literally everything together. I had no friends besides my coworkers (while at work) and his family. When we did hang out with other people it was his family. We lived in his parents house in his room for over 10 years. This is why it is so hard to function now.

[Rose Mosse]

All your danger signals seem to have flown out the window or were never activated. I do think you are stagnant and have been stagnant (not growing) for a long time. I doubt that you'll get over him successfully if you don't focus on yourself or start to realize that there's a life outside of this current reality of yours. When we're stuck in painful situations it's often hard to imagine what living without that pain is, especially if you've never lived happily, independent, on your own. This is going to take great tenacity and an even greater desire on your part to move on and grow. You're also going to have to give up and let go of all that self-guilt. Just quit it. Stop beating yourself up or placing pressure on yourself to change for someone. Don't give up on a better kind of life for yourself. This relationship is completely over.

[Geminifeed]

You are right. It's just very hard to let go of my entire life and start over. I feel like the only way to feel better is to go back and to get him back. It's hard to accept that there is no chance.

[boltnrun]

If you believe that is the one and only way to "feel better", what will you do if he doesn't come back?

 

You HAVE to plan for this. Otherwise you risk ending up like my friend, with nothing in her life because she made it dependent on promises someone made 25 years ago.

[Geminifeed]

I know I have to accept it it's just that I feel like if I really tried to get him back and proved how much I love him he would come back. He did tell me during a fight after the breakup that he "chased me" too much during our relationship and that he won't chase women anymore and that if someone wants him they'll have to chase him. So maybe he meant that towards me.

[boltnrun]

You're still refusing to accept it.

 

I hope acceptance comes soon for you. My friend is living such a sad, pointless life. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

[Hollyj]

I know I have to accept it it's just that I feel like if I really tried to get him back and proved how much I love him he would come back. He did tell me during a fight after the breakup that he "chased me" too much during our relationship and that he won't chase women anymore and that if someone wants him they'll have to chase him. So maybe he meant that towards me.

 

That sounds healthy.

 

The bottom line, he does not love or respect you. This is all you need to know.

[Hollyj]

I know it sounds strange, but no I did not. We spent every second together that we were not working. We had the same days off. We watched all of the same shows and movies together. We did literally everything together. I had no friends besides my coworkers (while at work) and his family. When we did hang out with other people it was his family. We lived in his parents house in his room for over 10 years. This is why it is so hard to function now.

 

You lived in his parents home for ten years. Good grief. Aren't you in your 30's?

 

You need to make an effort to make friends and create a social life. It is a repeat pattern on this site, the most toxic couples have no life outside of each other. Unhealthy!

 

Where are you living?

[Geminifeed]

Yes I am 31 he is 32. I moved in with him in 2008. We definitely made some mistakes making each other our worlds and it became toxic. I am currently living with my mom about 4 hours away from him.

[Geminifeed]

He also told me he was proud of me for how I was "handling everything" and for being his friend and talking to him because the old me would never have done that. But honestly I was falling apart.

[Hollyj]

Good. I'm glad you got out of there.

 

Make an effort to make friends. Look into Meet ups, groups that offer one of your interests, volunteer, whatever. Stay busy and make your life more full. It will help grow your self esteem. Don't every make a partner your world, as you can see it puts you in a place where you tolerate a lot of bad behaviour. If you self worth we're stronger you would have walked, long ago.

[Hollyj]

He also told me he was proud of me for how I was "handling everything" and for being his friend and talking to him because the old me would never have done that. But honestly I was falling apart.

 

The old you was much smarter when it came to self preservation. Now, you are simply his doormat he can wipe his shoes on, and share stories of his adventures with his new girl.

 

Get your self worth back and block and delete him!

[Hollyj]

How nice is it for him to have a gf barely out of her teens, and an ex desperately falling all over herself, so that he may choose her again. What a big ego boost for him.

[Geminifeed]

Yea. He loved every minute of it while I was there. It was like a game to him. And I know it's my own fault for feeding into it but I couldn't help how I feel.

[Hollyj]

Gemini, by staying in contact, you are still feeding his ego. He knows you would jump at the chance to if he fed you a crumb. You need to block him for good. It will help you move on. You will not move on, if you continue to play his 'friend.'

 

Hasn't he done enough to you. How much disrespect will you continue to take?

[Geminifeed]

I cut contact with him when I moved here about 2 weeks ago. He's on my social media and likes and views my posts but I do not view or like anything of his. I know he has pictures of him and his new GF and of course captions professing their love for each other on there so I don't torture myself by looking anymore.

[Hollyj]

You need to cut him from everything! That is what I meant by block and delete.

 

Did you block his number?

[katrina1980]

 

I'm afraid he will forget about me completely if I stop talking to him any longer than I already have.

 

Actually, it's the opposite.

 

Please learn about men and how they fall and stay in love. They don't fall in love (and stay in love) like women do, not in my experience.

 

It's been said (and written) men need a certain distance to fall and stay in love, women need togetherness.

 

Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that, again the exact opposite of what you're thinking.

 

Distance yourself (no contact) and give him the opportunity to wonder about you, miss you, long for you!

 

Stretch that rubber band and keep stretching it!

 

Longing is a very powerful emotion, and by "being there" for him ad nauseum, being his "friend" you're not allowing him to experience that emotion.

 

I am sure he is quite fond of you, and cares, but it's as a good friend and always will be until

and unless he's given the opportunity to experience life without you.

 

Read John Gray, he's written many books on this, how different men and women are when it comes to love.

 

Yin and yang and all that.

 

Also by the way, I've been in a relationship for a year and still maintain a bit of distance and my bf is crazy in love with me.

 

Did the same thing with my ex, and after six years, he was still crazy in love like the first day he met me (we broke up for reasons unrelated to that).

 

Distance girl, learn when to distance yourself, this is certainly one of those times!

 

That my dear is how you might possibly get him back. NOT by sticking around being his "friend."

[Hollyj]

Actually, it's the opposite.

 

Please learn about men and how they fall and stay in love. They don't fall in love (and stay in love) like women do, not in my experience.

 

It's been said (and written) men need a certain distance to fall and stay in love, women need togetherness.

 

Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that, again the exact opposite of what you're thinking.

 

Distance yourself (no contact) and give him the opportunity to wonder about you, miss you, long for you!

 

Stretch that rubber band and keep stretching it!

 

Longing is a very powerful emotion, and by "being there" for him ad nauseum, being his "friend" you're not allowing him to experience that emotion.

 

I am sure he is quite fond of you, and cares, but it's as a good friend and always will be until

and unless he's given the opportunity to experience life without you.

 

Read John Gray, he's written many books on this, how different men and women are when it comes to love.

 

Yin and yang and all that.

 

Also by the way, I've been in a relationship for a year and still maintain a bit of distance and my bf is crazy in love with me.

 

Did the same thing with my ex, and after six years, he was still crazy in love like the first day he met me (we broke up for reasons unrelated to that).

 

Distance girl, learn when to distance yourself, this is certainly one of those times!

 

That my dear is how you might possibly get him back. NOT by sticking around being his "friend."

 

I strongly recommend that you read her other thread. Please do not give her any sort of encouragement, as the relationship was highly dysfunctional, toxic and disrespectful.