Dealing with mutual friends after a breakup

[Designlove710]

So me and my now ex-boyfriend were together for a very long time. Almost 7 years. When we first started dating he met my group of friends and through the years we all had become very close. Doing everything together. Ive known these friends longer than I have been with my ex so its been almost a decade. Well of course after our breakup I let our friends know that we were separated and told them that i didn't want our breakup to deter me from seeing them. They all were very supportive and said that nothing would change our friendships. Its been about 2 weeks post-breakup and i have tried to lay low to deal with my emotions and learn to move on. I want to see my friends but im nervous to go hang out and run into him there. The anxiety is overwhelming. But i see from friends that he is hanging out with them. I dont know how to handle this. I shouldn't be having to sit at home while everyone is out having fun in fear that I will run into him. I don't want to seem selfish but they were my friends who he became friends with because of me and he has no problem just going out with them. Dont get me wrong me and my ex ended it on good terms. there is no bad blood between us. But seeing him frequently when im out with my friends wont help me move on. But at the same time I shouldn't lose time with friends because were not together anymore. I need any advice on how to be able to move on but still be able to hang with my friends. Please help. thanks!

[ninjabib]

You have no right to stop him seeing your mutual friends and vice versa.

 

Things may be awkward the first few times but that soon fades having been in this position before. If it's simply something that you feel you cannot handle then it comes down to 2 options:-

 

1) You stop yourself seeing your friends by choice. I. This case I'd suggest you find new hobbies which means new friends and a larger social circle.

 

2) You put on your big girl pants and realise this is slightly silly and you just get on with it. If he hasn't done you wrong you cannot deny him friendships he has had for 7 years. If you see him be polite, civil and he will almost certainly return the goodwill.

 

It won't be anywhere as near as bad as you think honestly.

[ThatwasThen]

Why don't you organise a get together with them at your place? Doing that will keep him out of the picture (since he won't be invited) and it will give you and your friends a chance to catch up.

 

Or:

 

You could arrange a gurls night out doing something fun together (again wherein he won't be invited).

 

Its understandable that you don't want to run into him until perhaps you are more indifferent to him and the break up. There are lots of ways for you to get together with friends that won't involve him.

[Designlove710]

Thats good advice thank you. i think what was bothering me was how easily it was for him to just return things back to normal. Like how im over here freaking out and hes just going back to how things were. That just threw me off. Like he doesn't have the same anxiety about running into me as i do him.

[ninjabib]

That's not important. What is important is you focus on making yourself happy. You are going through a big upheaval after 7 years I'd imagine.

[figureitout23]

Im going to take a wild stab in the dark and say you have friends that arent attached to him.

 

Not saying the friends that are arent important to you, I'm sure they are, but your mental health is most important right now.

 

You arent quite ready to be around your ex, normal, why on earth would you do it to yourself?

 

You do indeed need to socialize, again, stop playing harmful games with yourself, go hang out with your friends not connected to him

 

When youre ready join the group again.

 

Easy.

 

I think a part of you wants to go though?

 

Dont do it, get distance.

[Billie28]

He has been friends with them for 7 years , you 10. But I’m sure within that 7 years the group has widened as in people have new partners within the group etc. so essentially you met some of the group mutually?

If one of those friends is in a 3 year relationship for example ,then that’s a mutual friend and not someone you introduced him to.

 

Why are you anxious about meeting him out on a social setting? You said the break up was amicable.

What is making you nervous? Him? Or you?

[ninjabib]

Yes as Billie said, i think there is more to this than you are letting on. This sounds like an unusually decent break up.

[MissCanuck]

My guess is that your real pain stems from the fact that he doesn't seem to be hurting about the break-up the same way you are.

 

Did he initiate the split?

 

EDIT: Same man? https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=524505

[RayofLighten]

Thats good advice thank you. i think what was bothering me was how easily it was for him to just return things back to normal. Like how im over here freaking out and hes just going back to how things were. That just threw me off. Like he doesn't have the same anxiety about running into me as i do him.

 

He's just being a adult about it. I suggest you do the same.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this, sounds rather fresh. Hang out with them one-on-one, not in groups. Be more personalized and invite friends out for lunch/drinks or invite friends over for dinner, lunch, drinks, coffee, etc. Why continue this joined at the hip group mentality? You are stopping you from seeing them, not him. You are choosing to sit a home and brood.

 

Simply message each respective friend and invite them out or over individually. Surely if you invite couple to your place for dinner/drinks, he won't be there. Also if you invite a friend out for lunch/drinks/coffee, he won't be there. Connect one-on-one, that's all. Take the initiative to stay in touch with your friends. This is not about him.

 

After a breakup it's a good idea to reconnect to friends on newer terms anyway. Also readjust your social media to reflect new changes with fresh new pics, posts, activities, etc. Keep it upbeat and fun. Also readjust and clean out your social media to include Only who you want and remove him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps. Also consider short term therapy to help you walk through this and deal with whatever anxiety.

Its been about 2 weeks post-breakup and i have tried to lay low to deal with my emotions and learn to move on.

 

I shouldn't be having to sit at home while everyone is out having fun in fear that I will run into him. But seeing him frequently when im out with my friends wont help me move on. But at the same time I shouldn't lose time with friends because were not together anymore.

[DancingFool]

Very good suggestions about refreshing your friendships on a more intimate level with initiating get togethers yourself, girls only night out, more one on one get togethers, etc.

Your friends don't really know what you want, how to be there for you and what to do for you because you've gone silent hermit on them. Clue them in and be honest and clear with them that you categorically don't want to run into your ex and also what you do need to start feeling better and moving on. Trust that people will understand. Not a difficult concept post break up.

 

What will shake out of this is those friends who are loyal to you, will hear you loud and clear and jump in to do activities with you. Those who aren't, will weed themselves out of the group and stick with the ex. That's pretty much how the cookie crumbles with mutual friends dividing themselves up post long term relationship break up.

 

Avoid those who are trying to play both sides of the fence. Those people are the ones who love to stir the pot and gossip about you both to each other, "accidentally" invite you both to the same event, and so on. They are friends to neither and best gotten rid of.

[ThatwasThen]

Thats good advice thank you. i think what was bothering me was how easily it was for him to just return things back to normal. Like how im over here freaking out and hes just going back to how things were. That just threw me off. Like he doesn't have the same anxiety about running into me as i do him.

 

Guys often handle things just like he is. They go off with one another and have a beer and a game of pool or something whereas we gals often just take to our beds for a few weeks and hermit out or just call a BFF and lament ad nauseum about it.

 

Get yourself back out there and organise a get together. Take your healing one day at a time. Keeping busy with family and friends will help you to more quickly get to the stage of indifference to your ex.

[maew]

Very good suggestions about refreshing your friendships on a more intimate level with initiating get togethers yourself, girls only night out, more one on one get togethers, etc.

Your friends don't really know what you want, how to be there for you and what to do for you because you've gone silent hermit on them. Clue them in and be honest and clear with them that you categorically don't want to run into your ex and also what you do need to start feeling better and moving on. Trust that people will understand. Not a difficult concept post break up.

 

What will shake out of this is those friends who are loyal to you, will hear you loud and clear and jump in to do activities with you. Those who aren't, will weed themselves out of the group and stick with the ex. That's pretty much how the cookie crumbles with mutual friends dividing themselves up post long term relationship break up.

 

Avoid those who are trying to play both sides of the fence. Those people are the ones who love to stir the pot and gossip about you both to each other, "accidentally" invite you both to the same event, and so on. They are friends to neither and best gotten rid of.

 

Yep this exactly. I would also add that it will probably surprise you as to who sticks by you and who doesn’t.... don’t let it rattle you too much just carry on with your life.

[Designlove710]

I initiated the split. The reason for my anxiety is that i still have very strong feelings for him and those just wont go away overnight, obvisouly. If i go out and run into him i will be putting on this face as "hey were cool, nice to see you" even though inside i will be struggling with dealing of having to treat the man i still love as some random dude that i run into. The feelings are to fresh and i just need to keep my distance until i feel as though i can manage them.

[Wiseman2]

Remove that possibility entirely by interacting with friends in a place and manner where he is not present. It's that simple. Make an appt with a therapist to address any anxiety. It's that simple. You are making this breakup much worse than it any breakup already is by not taking responsibility and blaming the actions of him or your friends and pretending you can only see your friends in groups where he will be present.

If i go out and run into him.....

[Designlove710]

Thank you for the response. I do believe I am making this more difficult that it needs to be. I think I can blame the anxiety for that. It shouldn’t be this hard. I will get the anxiety under control and just start moving on from there.