Can I get the girl back?

[Jimraynorp]

Hello people, I am looking for some serious advicing here, and not being that religious I even pray to god that I may find the right help here.

 

My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. She is studying, while I struggle to find work. The last couple of months have been difficult for both us. I haven't been able to find work for little over half a year so I haven't been myself lately - kinda feeling like broken down - which maybe have giving her the feeling that I am just laying on mys ass. My girlfriend has some serious difficulties with exams and have lost trust in her self - and she isn't even sure if it is the right study. It has been hard on her, and she even started to get some stress symptoms like heart pounding. We have been living together allmost as long as we have been together and it has been an amazing relationship with little to no fights. Then all this happened. At first she said she was miserable and maybe just needed me as a friend. We even discussed not living together to give her some time off. Then she broke up with me a couple of months ago saying she didn't love me anymore and needed time for herself to figure her stuff out. I did manage to convince her back when we talked some days later, and she said she did love me. She once again have broken up with me because of the same reasons, and this time I don't think there is much to do. That's after all what she told me that it just doesn't work. So now our families have been told, she is looking for an apartment and we are not together on facebook as a couple. I have told her my point of view that I believe we can get back together when we have figured our stuff out. She doesn't really agree on that point.

 

In spite of all this I simply can not believe that she truly means it and that it is over for good. I love her and had even planned how I was gonna propose to her. When I look back at this bad period, it haven't been going on for that long compared to other relationships in my opinion. Do note that there is a minor age gap between us as I am 26 and she turns 23 this summer. I know this makes us have different views on the period making me that more resistant. And I know I haven't been aware enough of her signals this entire time.

 

We are currently living together untill she finds another apartment. I do everything I can to show her my best side without being too pushy or too clingy. We talk really well - like really really well. I have been living with another friend (a girl actually, as I thought that would make my ex think more of our relationsship, but now I feel, it was a bad idea and maybe just another stress factor) now for a couple of days to give her some time on her own and to evaluate our relationsship. I have evaluated and think most of the breakup happened, because my ex is a bit insecure about herself. That combined with her thoughts on her study combined with the fact that I don't have a job yet (I even mentioned that I might end up doing work abroad, which I know was upsetting her) might have done some serious damage. Also note that in the very beginning of our dating life I ended it (she thought it came rather quickly and out of the blue), so there is also that that she fears I might end it again.

 

So now dear community I beg for some advice. I would be truly thankful on your point of views on this situations, thoughts, experiences and advice. Is there hope for me and if so how would I turn this around. Feel free to ask if you feel you need any info. Any help is appreciated.

[MissCanuck]

I think you are right that there's not much you can do at this point.

 

She has taken steps which strongly suggest she is clear-headed about this decision and not interested in reviving things romantically. I don't think she is insecure about your relationship anymore; I think she just doesn't feel the same way about you that she once did. It seems she does care about you and sees you as a good friend but the desire to be single is outweighing the desire to keep this relationship going. All you can do now is work toward accepting that this is over. She will know where to find you if she has a change of heart.

 

One point that stood out to me is that you say you've been living together nearly the entire time you've been dating. Why did you move in together so quickly? Moving so fast often undermines a relationship, as it doesn't give you time to really get to know each other before committing and people tend to get complacent too early on.

[Jimraynorp]

Thank you for your response. Okay, it is a little misleading when I point out we have been living together allmost as long as we have been together. We started dating roughly 6 months before going steady. This went on for about 5-6 months before we moved together. She did feel a bit like she had too move in with me, as I was looking for a place to stay at.

[MissCanuck]

Thank you for your response. Okay, it is a little misleading when I point out we have been living together allmost as long as we have been together. We started dating roughly 6 months before going steady. This went on for about 5-6 months before we moved together. She did feel a bit like she had too move in with me, as I was looking for a place to stay at.

 

Still, this is very early, especially at your respectively young ages.

 

Rather moot now, though, I realize. It sounds to me like she has just had a change of heart, which sometimes can't be logically explained. She can't change how she feels, just as you can't change how you feel. It hurts, but it will get better with more time and space away from her.

[Billie28]

The relationship is over and she is very set on that.

There is nothing you can do.

 

I do find it odd though that you think it’s ending because of her insecurity ( which may or may not be the case ) and then you act in a way that would only fuel insecurity. Such as leaving her for a few days to stay with a female friend in an attempt to get her to change her mind and also suggesting you might work abroad. Had you even applied for work abroad?

Why mention of you haven’t?

 

I’m unsure as to how you both have managed to keep up with rent payments when one is a student and the other unemployed?

 

6 months is a long time to be out of work , if I was unemployed , I would rather fry chips at McDonalds than sit at home all day, but also actively seek work in the area I want and am qualified to do.

In fact I packed shelves at a supermarket for 6 months at the age of 28 while seeking work I was qualified to do .

 

How did you spend those 6 months while out of work? Who paid the rent and bills?

Were finances an issue for you both?

 

I know you’d like to think that the issue here is her insecurity but I’m not seeing it like that.

I do wonder if her studies have been impacted by life outside of her studies.

 

I would like to know how hard you are willing to fight for this girl and how hard you did fight for her over the past 6 months?

 

She is studying and that’s her main focus. It has to be.

You are not studying or working but your main focus should be getting out to work no matter what kind of job it is or whether you view it as beneath you. You should view any job as a stepping stone.

I am not sensing you have done that and I am guessing that’s the main issue here.

You dreaming about how you might propose is a little bit immature , the proposal itself doesn’t matter , it’s what’s on offer with that proposal that does. At the end of the day a proposal is not about how you offer something it’s what you are offering.

 

As for advice, I think a lot of advice would be too little too late.

 

So I think you need to accept the relationship is over and focus on yourself.

If living with family is an option , then that’s what you should do. Minimise costs , take whatever work you can get and spend a decent amount of time per day searching and applying for the job you do want.

Until you achieve that , you can’t possibly offer another person anything.

You are number one in your life , start thinking that way and become someone who is stable , financially and emotionally before you even approach her again .

 

I wish you all the best. I know break ups are hard , but there is rarely a single cause for it. It’s a bit more complicated than that.

[RayofLighten]

This relationship has run its course. It's over. It sounds like you still have allot to learn about women because you made some mistakes along the road. Living with another girl? In what world did you think that THAT was going to get her to come back? Why has it taken so long looking for work? Are you picky about what you want to do?

[Jimraynorp]

Thank you for your response. About the insecurity, it's because of a lot of stuff, she has mentioned a long time ago, which I am not that comfortable sharing. But maybe I am wrong. I am just trying to process at the moment, what excactly happened. We weren't very good both of us to tell each other how we really felt, before it got out of hand. I felt, something was wrong but just couldn't tell what. Maybe it all just accumulated over time. I know, what has happened, can't suddenly get fixed, and I know, I can't get her back in a matter of days, weeks and even months. But I love her and I am willing to do anything.

About the whole job situation, I became a physiotherapist last summer. It's extremely difficult to find work because of the amount of people getting educated. Where I live, we have a wellfare system which provides financies for up to 2 years, if it isn't possible to find work. I do have a rather small part time job as an instructor in various fitness, where I have tried to become personal trainer for full time without any luck. That's why I mentioned working abroad, because I knew it would become a lot easier to find this kind of work in our neighboring countries, and yes that is something I am looking in to.

Maybe the job situation is the main factor for the breakup - it would make sense. I just wish to make things right again, which is why I want to get other peoples perspective on it - I really appreciate it, thank you again.

[Jimraynorp]

This relationship has run its course. It's over. It sounds like you still have allot to learn about women because you made some mistakes along the road. Living with another girl? In what world did you think that THAT was going to get her to come back?

 

I know, I feel terrible about it. Look, I am not thinking straight at the moment. It is certainly not an excuse though.

[Nickel Speed]

Most people don't have a job in the field they studied in. Is there anything else that interests you? Anything is better than nothing, you make like it more than you think.

[smackie9]

Distance yourself, and make yourself scarce. Focus on yourself and getting your life back on track. Never say never. There is always a chance for another chance way down the road, but for now that ain't happening.

[DancingFool]

I'm sorry but your gf has been checked out of this relationship for a long time. She left you once, you begged her back. She left you again citing the same reasons - she is simply done with the relationship. At this point, the most respectful thing you can do is start accepting her decision. She is being very clear to the point of brutally honest with you about that. Yes, breakups are awful, they hurt and leave you floundering, but.....you do heal and move on.

 

That said, it's very normal for the dumpee to try to fix things, make excuses, bargain, and so on. Thing is that most of the time, it's not about the hard times, it runs deeper and when your SO makes that decision to check out of the relationship, they really mean it. It's not about fixing things because there is nothing to fix from their perspective. Meaning, they didn't end things because you are deficient, they ended things because of their own internal reasons that often have little to do with who you are as a person. They have different goals, different needs, want to be free, etc. A lot of the times dumpers can't quite put it in words other than they want out. On that last point, she has been more than clear, so do yourself a favor and let her go.

 

The less contentious and the more civil you make this breakup, the better the possibility that at some point in the future you two might get back together. I'm not saying that you should put your life on hold as you wait for that, only that if you two happen to cross paths a few years down the road, you might both be interested in a fresh start...or you might well realize that the relationship was not all that and the breakup was for the best. Time and 20/20 hindsight are amazing that way. On the other hand, the more you try to cling, assign reasons like she is insecure so doesn't know what she is doing (highly insulting to her, btw), the more you are just burning bridges. Make yourself scarce, be civil and polite, focus on what really matters - getting that job.

[Rose Mosse]

Lose her, OP. As in quit lamenting over her. Not worth it. Yes, it's painful but you owe it to your profession and your calling. If you're a physiotherapist, start thinking like one and take the necessary measures to find a position that matches your education and skills. You've already started in this direction but it's become hazy and distracted. Go to the other countries and find work if you have to and complete your experience and accreditation required.

 

You're both dragging each other down and are not in any position to put a relationship first. I have a friend who was a lawyer and then went back to school to become a physiotherapist. It was another six years on top of law school in his thirties before he successfully finished schooling and began work as a physiotherapist. It will take tremendous effort and energy on your part to redirect your focus and get back on track. I strongly suggest you get back in touch with your original passion for physiotherapy and start living the life you have worked so hard for.

[Nickel Speed]

I'm sorry but your gf has been checked out of this relationship for a long time. She left you once, you begged her back. She left you again citing the same reasons - she is simply done with the relationship. At this point, the most respectful thing you can do is start accepting her decision. She is being very clear to the point of brutally honest with you about that. Yes, breakups are awful, they hurt and leave you floundering, but.....you do heal and move on.

That said, it's very normal for the dumpee to try to fix things, make excuses, bargain, and so on. Thing is that most of the time, it's not about the hard times, it runs deeper and when your SO makes that decision to check out of the relationship, they really mean it. It's not about fixing things because there is nothing to fix from their perspective. Meaning, they didn't end things because you are deficient, they ended things because of their own internal reasons that often have little to do with who you are as a person. They have different goals, different needs, want to be free, etc. A lot of the times dumpers can't quite put it in words other than they want out. On that last point, she has been more than clear, so do yourself a favor and let her go.

The less contentious and the more civil you make this breakup, the better the possibility that at some point in the future you two might get back together. I'm not saying that you should put your life on hold as you wait for that, only that if you two happen to cross paths a few years down the road, you might both be interested in a fresh start...or you might well realize that the relationship was not all that and the breakup was for the best. Time and 20/20 hindsight are amazing that way. On the other hand, the more you try to cling, assign reasons like she is insecure so doesn't know what she is doing (highly insulting to her, btw), the more you are just burning bridges. Make yourself scarce, be civil and polite, focus on what really matters - getting that job.

 

You should have posted this part in my thread. I like that. Lol.

[Jimraynorp]

Thank you all for your responses.