Relationship advice

[tattoobunnie]

No she needs to find a new BF....he is not trainable, he wants what he wants, because that is how he was raised. He's pretty much telling the OP what kind of GF he truly wants. I'm sure there's a perfect motherly girl out there for him.

 

I agree. Very common mindset in the latino culture; lots of machismo. Very ingrained. You can't change this guy. You can however change boyfriends.

[ThatwasThen]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 months. I always ask him to come help me in the kitchen I don’t care if he’s on the couch I want him to come spend time with me or sometimes I call him so he can help me cook or get many of the tasks done quicker. I believe it works better that way and I always help him in the kitchen and with chores in his house. Recently he told me he wanted me to treat him like a “king” more and to spoil him. He wants me to cook for him, do his chores more often and do things a mom would do... I’m confused because this is not the way I was raised. I was raised seeing my mom be taken advantage of when it comes to women doing chores for men. I want someone who will help me and COMPROMISE every step of the way. I told him how I felt, he says he feels special when I do things for him with love instead of asking him for help in every chore. I’m 19 and he’s 25.

What do you guys think? Are most men like this should I ease up and do some things for him? How do I do this without being taken for granted???

 

 

Maybe let him pamper you when you're at his house.

 

One thing I will tell you. (and its very important towards the longevity of your union.. its not 1950 anymore)

 

If you are going to stay with this man than you best get a plan of action in place so that he doesn't think its his job to do nothing and act like a "king" while you do all of the chores and catering. You are after all going to be his "queen" and you need to be made to feel like one just as much as he does.

 

figure it out... decide who will do what and how often and if he won't agree and contribute then you are very incompatible and it would be in your best interests and that of any future children you may have to get rid of him and keep looking until you find a guy that is more in tune to equality and fairness.

[Batya33]

I agree. Very common mindset in the latino culture; lots of machismo. Very ingrained. You can't change this guy. You can however change boyfriends.

 

That may be true and if all else is equal and a conversation reveals that while he is in that culture he is an individual and wants to change - there may be room for change. His comment was obnoxious. They may be able to get past it. I was labeled/categorized ad nauseum when I was dating -most often before we met in person- based on my background/job choice, etc. It's a shame when people do that. Certainly had I said something that offended that would be a bit different but I think it's too easy to chalk things up to "how he was raised/culture/will never change" I got married at age 42 and have made several significant changes in my habits and communication style, outlook, etc.

[tattoobunnie]

Good advice but can't she do all that without just dumping him?

 

Why is dumping always the go to advice when there's a conflict?

 

What about learning conflict resolution? It's not like he's abusing her or anything like that.

 

Serious question.

 

Some people have to learn the hard way. You come on this forum, so hopefully you don't have to learn the hard way all the time. I came on here with a decade of dating experience under my belt, now up to two decades. At 19, you sometimes need to experience life with someone who will treat you as a partner and do their share, whether it's paying bills, wining & dining, cooking, cleaning, childcare.

 

And at 19, she should be having the time of her life - not playing house and mommy for a full-grown man. What late teen/early 20's should be stuck folding boxer briefs on a Saturday night that isn't theirs?!

[Hollyj]

I think it is also one of the reasons he chose someone so young. He is grooming her.

[tattoobunnie]

That may be true and if all else is equal and a conversation reveals that while he is in that culture he is an individual and wants to change - there may be room for change. His comment was obnoxious. They may be able to get past it. I was labeled/categorized ad nauseum when I was dating -most often before we met in person- based on my background/job choice, etc. It's a shame when people do that. Certainly had I said something that offended that would be a bit different but I think it's too easy to chalk things up to "how he was raised/culture/will never change" I got married at age 42 and have made several significant changes in my habits and communication style, outlook, etc.

 

Strong Communication and more perspective is someone everyone hopes to develop each year. And that's what makes you awesome. But at 19, if you've never seen what's like to date a man who is self-sufficient, it is impossible to lead that horse anywhere. Even with having parents that pitch in, you had an idea of what you want, but getting there, oof, that takes a while. Lots of growing, strength, figuring out what you want in life, in relationships, in friendships...I think she should get out there with someone who wouldn't even think to say, "treat me like a King". I mean if he said, "I want to treat you like a Queen! Will you treat me like a King?" Then, eh, different story.

[Batya33]

Some people have to learn the hard way. You come on this forum, so hopefully you don't have to learn the hard way all the time. I came on here with a decade of dating experience under my belt, now up to two decades. At 19, you sometimes need to experience life with someone who will treat you as a partner and do their share, whether it's paying bills, wining & dining, cooking, cleaning, childcare.

 

And at 19, she should be having the time of her life - not playing house and mommy for a full-grown man. What late teen/early 20's should be stuck folding boxer briefs on a Saturday night that isn't theirs?!

 

My dear friend's daughter married at 19 and is a happily married mom of two at age 23 - so there are no "shoulds" IMO. My best friend from high school married at 21 and has been married since 1987. I dated on and off- when I wasn't in relationships -for 24 years before dating my husband. At age 19 I really wanted to be married -I was also having the time of my life but I think it's narrow minded to assume "time of your life" cannot include folding boxers on a Saturday night or being in a serious committed relationship. Time of my life these days is getting to food shop by myself and at age 19 it likely was getting dolled up for a date and going out dancing till 2-3 am at least and eating junk food when we got home. And I don't feel resentful of what is "time of my life" right now.

 

Certainly if he doesn't respond favorably and with apologies I would say she should run not walk. But I hate putting people in teensy weensy cultural "this is how he was raised" boxes.

[tattoobunnie]

I have at least a dozen friends who married in their teens or right after college, who are still happily married in their 40's with kids. My mom also got married at 19. I am referring to the OP, not your friend (s). If she thinks it's cool to be doing all the chores for a guy she's only been dating for a few months, I think she should be getting out there and having fun with a partner who will take her out and have fun; not expect her to cook all the time.

[Batya33]

I have at least a dozen friends who married in their teens or right after college, who are still happily married in their 40's with kids. My mom also got married at 19. I am referring to the OP, not your friend (s). If she thinks it's cool to be doing all the chores for a guy she's only been dating for a few months, I think she should be getting out there and having fun with a partner who will take her out and have fun; not expect her to cook all the time.

 

Yes. That is not what you wrote above. I responded to what you wrote. I agree with what you wrote here about this specific situation. I don't think she has to play house or be his mom. I think she should talk with him about his attitude, mindset, rude comment. And see how it goes. And not throw in the (unfolded/unironed) towel as fast as you suggested.

[boltnrun]

I used to date a guy who had a mutual friend (male) as a roommate. The roommate was about 20 years old at the time and my boyfriend and I were about 30.

 

One day I went grocery shopping for my boyfriend's house (not mine, I didn't live there but stayed there every weekend). I told my boyfriend "Hey, I bought some sandwich stuff and some salads. They're in the fridge". And he said "Great, thanks!" and proceeded to make himself a couple of sandwiches. A few minutes later the roommate came home and I told him the same thing. And he said "Cool, I'll take two". And I looked at him and after the shock wore off I said "Do you expect me to make sandwiches FOR you???" And he hemmed and hawed and got flustered and backed down and went and made his own gosh darned sandwiches.

 

I told his stepmom this story, and she sheepishly told me "Um, that's my fault. I always make him food and bring it to him and then clean up after him".

 

So yeah, it could be the way he was raised. Very difficult to overcome that kind of upbringing.

 

I would have a sit down (not a yelling match!) about what he thinks about "roles" in a relationship and what YOU think they are. Maybe he's not as unreasonable and entitled as he is appearing to be.

[katrina1980]

 

I would have a sit down (not a yelling match!) about what he thinks about "roles" in a relationship and what YOU think they are. Maybe he's not as unreasonable and entitled as he is appearing to be.

 

Agree, it's worth a shot! Assuming all else is going well.

 

Ya know, he may not have even been serious. He may have said it in jest, teasing, playful banter.

 

My ex was cocky as shyt sometimes, and loved to get on his high horse and say stuff like that.

 

And he's not Latino, he's Swedish! Lol

 

It was never meant to be taken seriously only to get a little rise out of me, all in good playful fun!

 

I actually cannot even imagine any man saying that and being serious.

 

My advice is to just stop being at his beck and call.

 

Banter back telling him you're not his housekeeper! Lol

 

That's what I always did, and we had some fun with it.

[Batya33]

I am not a fan of blaming everything on upbringing once the person is an adult. If the person is of at least average intelligence and lives/works in the real world that person knows basic stuff. That example of assuming the sandwich would be made for him is just rude and ridiculous - I make my son's food and serve him - because I am lazy -I don't want the extra clean up if he made his own and yes I will work on that - BUT for at least 3 years or more now he has known how to interact with non-parent people/adults/kids especially service people - if a person cares about other people and treating people with kindness and respect he's not going to plead the whole "I was raised to be rude".

[boltnrun]

My ex husband was raised to believe that women spend money frivolously and if you don't keep a tight rein on them they will spend you into the poor house. Also that women are emotionally unstable and men just have to be tolerant of that and guide them into using logic instead of emotions. He never let go of those beliefs, which were a factor in our divorce.

 

It didn't matter that I showed him over the years we were together (over 15) that I am not a frivolous spender (quite the opposite, I am a cheapo!) and that I am not fraught with uncontrollable emotion. And I do believe he cared about us (me and our kids) but his beliefs were ingrained into him by his father, a man he greatly respected. So he never let go of those beliefs.

 

However, I don't think we have enough info from the OP to determine if her boyfriend has ingrained beliefs or if he just thought he was being cute. A sit down is called for, IMO.

[Batya33]

My ex husband was raised to believe that women spend money frivolously and if you don't keep a tight rein on them they will spend you into the poor house. Also that women are emotionally unstable and men just have to be tolerant of that and guide them into using logic instead of emotions. He never let go of those beliefs, which were a factor in our divorce.

 

It didn't matter that I showed him over the years we were together (over 15) that I am not a frivolous spender (quite the opposite, I am a cheapo!) and that I am not fraught with uncontrollable emotion. And I do believe he cared about us (me and our kids) but his beliefs were ingrained into him by his father, a man he greatly respected. So he never let go of those beliefs.

 

However, I don't think we have enough info from the OP to determine if her boyfriend has ingrained beliefs or if he just thought he was being cute. A sit down is called for, IMO.

 

So he sounds like a person who chose to let things like that be ingrained and didn't choose as an adult to learn and grow and be open to other mindsets and perspectives. Not just about his parents at all. Certainly people can be abused and isolated and be completely ignorant not by choice. I think it's usually a choice and choosing "ingrained" is a lazy choice. I agree with you that a sit down will reveal a lot more information and I am sorry you went through that with your ex.

[katrina1980]

Guys seriously, the more I think about this, I highly doubt he was serious (see my last post).

 

It's just too over the top obnoxious to be serious. I mean come on, I want to be treated like a king? Who would say that and be serious? LOL

 

Cocky? Yes! Wanting to get a playful rise out of his gf? Yes!

 

Again, tell him playfully you're not his damn maid and have some fun with it!

 

People are far too serious around here sometimes, it's fun to play and banter like that!

[boltnrun]

Yeah, Katrina, this does indeed happen.

 

I used to work with a woman whose boyfriend would shout "Beverage please!!" after he'd finished whatever she'd cooked and brought to him while he sat in the La-Z-Boy. Also I have a female friend who would make her husband buy dinner every night (after he'd worked all day) and then serve her meal to her (also while she sat in the La-Z-Boy). One time I was there and she sarcastically said "Nope, I'm not thirsty! I don't need anything to drink!!" when he brought her food but not a beverage as quickly as she thought he should. She didn't work, but instead stayed home drinking all day.

 

My uncle would insist on a steak dinner every night while his wife and six children ate macaroni and cheese or spaghetti. And of course his wife had to serve him while he sat in the La-Z-Boy (I see a theme here lol).

 

No way to know for sure if the OP's boyfriend thinks what he said was cute or if he was serious. Conversation required.

[Batya33]

Yeah, Katrina, this does indeed happen.

 

I used to work with a woman whose boyfriend would shout "Beverage please!!" after he'd finished whatever she'd cooked and brought to him while he sat in the La-Z-Boy. Also I have a female friend who would make her husband buy dinner every night (after he'd worked all day) and then serve her meal to her (also while she sat in the La-Z-Boy). One time I was there and she sarcastically said "Nope, I'm not thirsty! I don't need anything to drink!!" when he brought her food but not a beverage as quickly as she thought he should. She didn't work, but instead stayed home drinking all day.

 

My uncle would insist on a steak dinner every night while his wife and six children ate macaroni and cheese or spaghetti. And of course his wife had to serve him while he sat in the La-Z-Boy (I see a theme here lol).

 

No way to know for sure if the OP's boyfriend thinks what he said was cute or if he was serious. Conversation required.

 

In the early 80s I was a nanny in a fancy beach community. Mom and dad were in their 40s. He was a successful exec who came out on weekends. She slaved all day on some Silver Palate recipe (highly popular back then). He strolled in, made himself a plate and took it to yes a lazboy or maybe sofa in the family room to watch football, returning only to ask for some mayonnaise (ouch). Your anecdotes are hilarious and scary!! It's like Archie Bunker on All in the Family.

[katrina1980]

Agree if she's confused as to whether or not he was just joking around, conversation required.

 

I always knew when ex was teasing me, trying to get a rise, he'd been like that from day one!

 

I always chimed back with something equally snarky, in a playful way, and we had a good laugh.

 

I read this a lot.

 

Bf says something teasing and playful, gf takes him seriously and argument ensues.

 

But yeah who knows, agree conversation may be required but heck, sometimes chiming back with what I suggested works too.

 

We teach people how to treat us and all that.

[Hollyj]

It would help if the OP chimed in.

[katrina1980]

It would help if the OP chimed in.

 

 

Um, yeah!

 

....

[MissCanuck]

Your boyfriend is confused about your position in the monarchy.

 

The king's partner is generally a queen. Not a scullery-maid.

[katrina1980]

Your boyfriend is confused about your position in the monarchy.

 

The king's partner is generally a queen. Not a scullery-maid.

 

LOL!!!!

 

Needed that.

[Batya33]

Your boyfriend is confused about your position in the monarchy.

 

The king's partner is generally a queen. Not a scullery-maid.

 

Yes! Off with his head!!!

[ThatwasThen]

Your boyfriend is confused about your position in the monarchy.

 

The king's partner is generally a queen. Not a scullery-maid.

 

Ha! Touche'

[superfan]

What a load of emotionally manipulative Bull.

 

No, this was not a joke and this guy is not misunderstood. He's showing you who he is and OP, I urge you to listen.

 

Do you know how many relationships fail because of women who find themselves acting like mom to their partners? It is one of the main reasons why break ups happen. Too many dudes are raised even now with this idea that having their partners do all the chores and child care somehow equates to love.

 

You're his partner, not his mother. Act accordingly.

 

And the whole "it makes me feel loved" nonsense is classic manipulation.

 

A very good friend of mine is married to a guy just like this. She does most of the chores and the bulk of the child care. The other day she sent me a text asking if I ever book my husband's doctor's appointments for him.

 

I said heck no. He's a grown man. He can do that himself. She told me her husband asked her to book him an eye appointment because "it made him feel loved". Load. Of. Crap.

 

You're young and not tied down and despite the fact that I'm going to be criticised for saying this, that would be an absolute deal breaker for me.