You need to forget about reconciliation.

[boltnrun]

In terms of relationships, the only significant days I can see are each other's birthdays and the anniversary. Now, I told her full and well not to contact me unless it was for reconciliation, so I don't expect her to message me on my birthday for the purpose of being friendly. At the same time, I'm just a little interested to see how she'll behave on the first day since NC started that actually matters. Yeah, it's illogical and not worth my time, but oh well.

 

I'm sure you realize this thought process is a direct contradiction to your thread topic.

 

Yeah, you'll say you don't expect reconciliation, but you do expect her to hold sacred a day that you say is important in a relationship. Which you are no longer in. Circular thinking.

 

I hope your birthday is tomorrow or something and not six months away.

[lemni]

I'm sure you realize this thought process is a direct contradiction to your thread topic.

 

Yeah, you'll say you don't expect reconciliation, but you do expect her to hold sacred a day that you say is important in a relationship. Which you are no longer in. Circular thinking.

 

I hope your birthday is tomorrow or something and not six months away.

 

birthday is on the 18th of this month.

[Annia]

I did not invest any money into those programs, the only possibility I would have considered it in the darker parts of my breakup were if they all weren't absurdly expensive ($300 for an hour? Yeah, gtfo.)

 

It feels pretty miserable to not have meaning to someone. Even if the relationship fails, I would like to come out of it knowing they'll always at least think of me or care on some level. But her actions imply that won't be the case, so what was the point in my putting a year of my life into her for... nothing?

 

I want to find a hobby/passion that I like, try more mushrooms (lol), and cure myself of the mental ailments I have. Being depressed and anxious is not fun at all. It would make it so much easier to get over this btch if I felt normal.

 

I know it doesn't feel like that, but in my experience it's a favour when an ex goes into "no contact" with you instead of giving you attention crumbles or the good ol' "I want to be friends". In one of the break ups that hurt me the most, years ago, I'm now grateful that he "disappeared from the face of the earth", even though at the time I was always questioning me about how could he one moment be with me and invested in a relationship with me and the next moment discard me and disappear as if I were nothing. Now I really do thank him for forcing the "no contact" on me that I should've enforced in the first place.

 

And yes, "get your ex" programs are mostly scams. If someone doesn't want you anymore, they don't and there's nothing you can do about it, point blank. You can try to manipulate them with games (the good ol' no contact for 30 days and then contact them as if it was casual scheme among others), try to make them miss you and all that, and in some rare cases it might work temporary that you manipulate them into getting back with you, but the issues that led to the break up are not resolved and the person still doesn't want to be with you in their heart, so must often than not you hear about short term reconciliations that turn into break ups anyway after a while, or on off push and pull games that lead to on off relationships.

 

Also these programs rarely consider the individual reasons of each break up. It's not the same thing to pursue someone who broke up with you because they monkey branched and had already someone lined up to move on than pursue someone who broke up with you because you weren't a good partner to them. It also takes time to actually address what caused the break up, evolve as a human being, get a life and that the ex notices this and decides to forget why they broke up in the first place.

 

I do believe in reconciliations though if the break up was amicable and respectful, years have past and people meet again organically (not through schemes) and begin a whole new relationship. But this is not most cases.

[figureitout23]

I did not invest any money into those programs, the only possibility I would have considered it in the darker parts of my breakup were if they all weren't absurdly expensive ($300 for an hour? Yeah, gtfo.)

 

It feels pretty miserable to not have meaning to someone. Even if the relationship fails, I would like to come out of it knowing they'll always at least think of me or care on some level. But her actions imply that won't be the case, so what was the point in my putting a year of my life into her for... nothing?

 

I want to find a hobby/passion that I like, try more mushrooms (lol), and cure myself of the mental ailments I have. Being depressed and anxious is not fun at all. It would make it so much easier to get over this btch if I felt normal.

 

Congratulations! After 6 months of being stuck in the bargaining stage you’ve reached anger!

 

Try not to stay in this stage for as long, staying in any stage for too long can be damaging as is evidenced by your thinly veiled advice rant.

 

Look man your words are not those of a level headed individual your expectations and judgements of your ex are solely based on where you are emotionally

 

I think about my first love MAYBE once every year or three. Why? It’s in the past, so I’m only reminded of him if Something triggers a specific memory. our brains wouldn’t function properly and we wouldn’t function properly if we had to take time out of every day to think fondly about every Man or woman we dated.

 

That’s not logic talking that’s heartbreak talking. You’re angry at her because you feel forgotten. It hurts, lord knows it does and you’re angry that’s ok, one day at a time, If you feel yourself becoming stuck again it might be time to see someone

[HeartGoesOn]

I'm assuming from reading your previous threads that you have never met in person...correct?

[lemni]

Congratulations! After 6 months of being stuck in the bargaining stage you’ve reached anger!

 

Try not to stay in this stage for as long, staying in any stage for too long can be damaging as is evidenced by your thinly veiled advice rant.

 

Look man your words are not those of a level headed individual your expectations and judgements of your ex are solely based on where you are emotionally

 

I think about my first love MAYBE once every year or three. Why? It’s in the past, so I’m only reminded of him if Something triggers a specific memory. our brains wouldn’t function properly and we wouldn’t function properly if we had to take time out of every day to think fondly about every Man or woman we dated.

 

That’s not logic talking that’s heartbreak talking. You’re angry at her because you feel forgotten. It hurts, lord knows it does and you’re angry that’s ok, one day at a time, If you feel yourself becoming stuck again it might be time to see someone

 

insightful response, thank you. i think you're very accurate in terms of how i'm feeling, but i do stand by the idea of forgetting about reconciliation. it's far too unreliable to bank on.

[boltnrun]

birthday is on the 18th of this month.

 

Well, happy early birthday and may the coming year bring you freedom, joy and new, positive experiences.

[Hollyj]

I'm assuming from reading your previous threads that you have never met in person...correct?

 

 

No way????? Even more a waste of time with someone you have never even met.

[lemni]

I'm assuming from reading your previous threads that you have never met in person...correct?

 

in person no, the relationship was solely long distance. we talked on the phone every day and video called regularly. i don't think i was being catfished. i don't think it invalidates the relationship either, although it is different.

[Hollyj]

The relationship was fantasy. You never met in person.

 

Meet people locally.

[lemni]

No way????? Even more a waste of time with someone you have never even met.

 

i'm sorry but i'm just going to ignore your responses from here on out, you are so disrespectful and unempathetic it's disgusting. how did you go through life without cultivating an open mind.

 

to bolt, wiseman, figureitout, and the rest, thanks.

[boltnrun]

Ok, I read your first ever post on this forum.

 

She would not commit to meeting in person.

 

It's often much more difficult to let go of a fantasy because you never saw the "real" her, the down and dirty, what she's like when she wakes up in the morning, how she deals with life's conflicts, how she is when she doesn't feel well, if she's neat or messy, etc. It's been built up to be much more perfect and exciting than day to day life would be.

 

You are very young and you express yourself well in written format. There are lots of young women who will be seriously turned on by that. Let yourself meet new people (in person!) and I bet you'll be pleasantly surprised.

[Hollyj]

i'm sorry but i'm just going to ignore your responses from here on out, you are so disrespectful and unempathetic it's disgusting. how did you go through life without cultivating an open mind.

 

to bolt, wiseman, figureitout, and the rest, thanks.

 

 

Good luck. Meet people you can actually have a relationship with, not through a screen.

[lemni]

Ok, I read your first ever post on this forum.

 

She would not commit to meeting in person.

 

It's often much more difficult to let go of a fantasy because you never saw the "real" her, the down and dirty, what she's like when she wakes up in the morning, how she deals with life's conflicts, how she is when she doesn't feel well, if she's neat or messy, etc. It's been built up to be much more perfect and exciting than day to day life would be.

 

You are very young and you express yourself well in written format. There are lots of young women who will be seriously turned on by that. Let yourself meet new people (in person!) and I bet you'll be pleasantly surprised.

 

Sound reply, and I've came to the same conclusion (regarding her not committing and what that entails) in the past.

 

I'm enrolled in school and also work part time in retail, every girl I've been attracted to sadly have long-term boyfriends. I await the next relationship with open arms as long as it's with the right person.

[Annia]

You'll find someone. This was a learning experience. Take what you learned with this girl and take it to relationships with local women. If someone is a flake and doesn't want to meet in person, don't give it more than 2 or 3 weeks waiting to meet in person and move on.

[Carus]

.....but i do stand by the idea of forgetting about reconciliation. it's far too unreliable to bank on.

I'm going to side with you on this and your original post.....

 

I do know exes come back but it's not the majority that's for sure...Maybe quite a few do but many don't stay either leading to another breakup, which I've heard can be worse than the first time around. Me personally I've never had one come back out of the thousands of exes I have...

 

Yeh there is tons of stuff out there to keep you stuck. I never bought any of the ex back programs but I watched just about every video on YouTube, and recently I got hooked on Tarot card readings....*sigh* I'll get there one day.....

 

As for this:

Why, deep down, do I still care?

Perhaps watch a few videos on this channel ~

 

I must say for your age you write well and are very wise....You're also doing well...You'll be fine my friend*

 

Carus*

[catfeeder]

Great essay, Lemni, and my heart goes out to you. Glad to hear that you didn't waste any money on a scheme, and congrAts for keeping NC. This keeps your pride, as opposed to the alternative--layering embarrassment and regret on top of grief for harassing someone who does not wish to be in contact.

 

Rather than some guarantee of getting an ex back, NC is merely one's best percentage play. It affords you the time and distance to put the ex on the back burner while you pursue your own life and make your best attempts to heal, which buys you a better perspective should the ex ever want to contact you. AND it buys you that same foundation for healing should the ex never want contact.

 

No matter how you slice it, it's the best way to go. If there's no chance that an ex wants to reconcile, you've spared yourself from the emotional mess that comes with begging and harassing. If there is a chance that ex wants to reconcile, you'll both be able to trust that this is voluntary rather than bound for another split because ex felt pressured into it. Either way, it's the best route to take--and you've taken it.

 

Good job, and now you get to decide whether you'll be strengthened or damaged by your experience. That's a choice only you can make. You can either invest in building resilience and an ability to bounce back as a life skill, or you can view yourself as victimized. Victimization is the opposite of learning. It robs you of the ability to behave differently as you navigate your future, because it views yourself as being at the mercy of other people's lousy judgment and manipulative intent.

 

I'd shoot for pride in building resilience, instead. We've all had our heart's broken, and we survive. We either take lessons forward that enhance our strengths, or we view ourselves as damaged and opt to play small. I'd rather learn. I'd get clarity about screening out people who are too far away to meet right away, and this will avoid fantasy-building 'about' someone instead of meeting Who They Are. This will prevent the dis-illusion-ment of broken fantasies. Those are far more difficult to divorce than actual breakups. Avoiding fantasy means meeting people out in the world, instead of in your head.

 

When you are ready, consider using dating apps to set up quick coffee meets on your way home from work or school. If someone stands you up, just take your coffee with you--no loss. Otherwise, spend 15 to 30 minutes checking one another out, and rules are that neither can ask the other out for a 'real' date on the spot, but either can invite the other afterward. If the answer is yes, the other responds, and if not, no response is necessary. This takes squirmy rejection stuff off the table and prevents you from investing in bad matches. Anyone who won't meet right away gets an open invitation to contact you if that changes, but for now, Next her.

 

Most people are NOT our match. That's natural odds. Building fantasies 'about' people creates a love affair with your own mind to avoid learning whether someone is a real match, or not. Those fantasies are not real love, they're a barrier to allowing wrong matches to pass early. Meeting up front is the only way to move yourself any closer to finding REAL love as opposed to breaking your own heart time and again. Real love is the rare simpatico we find with someone who actually gets to know us, and 'gets' us. The key word is 'rare,' because everyone's lens is different. Rejection merely speaks of the limits of another's lens rather than any reflection on you. So we are all 'worth' an investment--it's just a matter of weeding through the big haystack to find the RIGHT person who's lens matches our own.

 

Head high.

[TheOutlaw]

You do need to forget about reconciliation. You also need to remove “value” from the equation. Just because someone decides to leave you, that in no way “devalues” the person you are.

 

Every woman who has ever ended a relationship with me has come back. Some days, some weeks, some months, some years. What makes me unique? My attitude— I embraced their decision and moved on with my life.

 

If she decided to move on and turn cold, good for her. Dont let her or anyone ever occupy your mind rent free, the space is too valuable. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and walk away with gratitude.

 

True strength isn’t being able to lift a bus with one hand, it’s being able to face and appreciate adversity as an opportunity to keep challenging and bettering yourself.

 

You are young, here is some advice for the future. Don’t ever invest all of your happiness into people, they are meant to leave you, whether by choice or by death. Embrace the time you had and move on when they do.

[askdan]

Most of my exes came back after No Contact. I am living proof. My ex- fiancée came back after years of NC and we are now married. Do no despair, for there is always hope.